As someone who reads dozens to hundreds of bios on dating apps and websites every week, one of the biggest instances of lying comes with regard to age, and it’s not limited to a certain gender. Some people shave a couple of years off their actual number in hopes of attracting a younger partner.

How do I know they’re lying? Well, in many cases, they will actually tell you. Often buried toward the bottom of the profile, they might write something like, “My real age is a few years older than what I’ve listed, but I feel younger than I am because I’m active and healthy” or “I’m actually 5 years old than I’ve said here, but I’m hoping to circumvent filters and appear in more search results.” Worse yet, some claim — I suspect often falsely — that they “can’t figure out to fix their age.” (So… you were thinking about lying about your age then decided to tell the truth? Hmm… Also, it’s pretty easy to fix your age on Bumble anyway, so they’re actively choosing not to.)

Even if you come clean in a few paragraphs or on the first date, you have to reveal your biological age at some point, and a lie (or even a partial truth) is a lie. While you might get more people (more just younger people) coming to your profile and reading your bio, it’s an immediate red flag because you’re showing that you’re okay with being deceptive if it gets you what you want. The person might think, “What else are they lying about or exaggerating in their profile? Are their photos a couple of years old? Are they also adding a few inches to their height? Do they really live in that town?” And why wouldn’t they think so — if you’re willing to lie about your age, who knows where the line is drawn?

No matter the intention, by lying about your age, what you’re doing — consciously or not — is disrespecting someone else’s preferences by tricking them into swiping right on you. While I do believe that you’re only helping yourself by expanding your search criteria — whether it’s by distance, the person’s height, age, or any other factor that is slightly negotiable — that should always be by choice, not manipulation… and make no mistake, that’s what this is. You’re essentially saying, “Your preferences are wrong and I will not respect them.”

Age is just a number, it’s true, so it’s a shame that so many people are missing out on potential connections because of this search criteria. I think we all know couples in our lives who have significant age gaps and are perfectly happy. However, getting someone to read your profile, message you, or even start a romantic connection based on a lie is just a terrible start to a relationship, full stop. Lying is, at best, a turn-off and, at wors,t a complete dealbreaker — and understandably so.

No one likes being misled, so don’t be the one doing the fooling… or you’ll have to pay for it later.

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This guy clearly hadn’t looked at his own profile in a while, and that was to the detriment of everyone.  

There are a few reasons why keeping your profile up to date is important. First, outdated references can make for awkward moments. What if this was the scenario above instead? You see someone talk about their dog and you’re also a big pet lover, so you send a message asking specifically about the pup… only to hear that the dog died months ago. I can’t think of a worse start to a conversation. Or that it was a neighbor’s dog… from your apartment building five years ago. 

As another example, seeing an outdated COVID reference (bragging about your ability to procure a roll of toilet paper, for example) — or even a movie that came out six years ago — can make the person reading the bio wonder if there’s even a person on the other side of the screen. If they’re not updating their profile, maybe they’re not checking the account at all? And if they’re not checking their account, is there even a point in sending a message? Who knows what you could both be missing when that happens?

Every three to six months, give your profile a quick read and refresh. Take out references to holidays that have passed (it seems random to bring up your New Year’s resolutions in July), trips you had planned, or any other obsolete information. Replace it with something new — the bucket list vacation you did, the cooking class you completed, the cat you recently adopted, or the book club you just joined — to make sure that the person reading your profile is getting to know the you from today rather than five years ago.

In addition to updating your bio, also take a look at your photos. Does it still look like you, or did your appearance shift? Maybe you got a major hair makeover or your body changed? Again, your profile should sound like — and look like — you today. So if you’ve shaved a beard or dyed your hair blonde in recent months, your photos should reflect that. Your profile deserves frequent updates to keep it in top shape — and increase your chances of getting messages that turn into dates.

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January 15, 2020

I just got off the phone with a potential client. She’s in her mid-60s, lives in Chicago, is accomplished, and wants to find a partner now that she’s been divorced for a number of years. All of this sounds par for the course in terms of my regular clientele. Most people I work with are in the same predicament: divorced or widowed and looking to spend the rest of their lives with a loving partner.

Where the conversation took a turn, though, was when this woman (we’ll call her Susan) said to me, “I hate dating.” When someone makes such a strong comment, I immediately ask why they came to that conclusion. Too often it’s because of one bad experience. People tend to overlook the good and even ‘meh’ experiences when it comes to dating and only remember the negative ones. Such is life.

But her response wasn’t actually about one terrible date, as I thought it would be. Rather, she said, “It’s too time-consuming.” This is something I hear all the time, too. Online dating can often feel like a full-time job, which is often why some clients decide to use my services. I can take the work out of the process for them so that all they have to do is go on the dates.

But that also wasn’t what she was saying. She was saying that going on the dates themselves takes too much time! She went on to say, “I just want to be in a relationship. I hate dating!” Despite my best efforts to hold it in, I let out a little chuckle. I said, “You know every relationship has to start with a first date, right?” “Well, yes.” “And there’s no way to just fast forward to the relationship part without the dating part.”

This is where a lot of people get confused. In their minds, dating is a means to an end, that “end” being the relationship. But I would say that the early stages of dating are the most important part of any eventual relationship. It’s where you get to learn about each other, meet each other’s friends, have a first kiss, and explore the world through someone else’s eyes. And you get to share things about yourself, perhaps things you’ve never shared with anyone else. (And remember dating NATO?)

Yes, being in a relationship can be comfortable… sitting on the couch and watching Netflix with someone special can be the best feeling in the world. But I would never advise anyone to forgo the initial anxieties and butterflies to get to Netflix-watching. You will have missed all of the things that make this other person special. And they won’t know these things about you.

I know that it can feel frustrating to share your story over and over again when you’re dating. But rather than looking at the process like something you have to slog through in order to get to a relationship, try to think of this part instead as necessary building blocks. Without those, any relationship (or building) will fall down. You need a solid base first. And that solid base comes from dating.

As I closed the call with Susan, I told her this: “You’re going to go on some bad dates. I promise you that. You’re also going to go on some great dates. No one can prevent any of that, but it’s a necessary part of the process to get to the outcome you’re looking for.” Think she’ll decide to work with me? Time will tell.

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While a lot of the advice I give revolves around how to get the first date, even more important is how to nail that first date. First dates can be nerve-wracking, whether you’re a seasoned dater or not. Let’s take a look at some tips for the all-important first date:

What not to do on a first date:

1. Have your phone out or text
2. Talk about your ex, positively or negatively
3. Be late without notice
4. Be excessively late, with or without notice
5. Be rude to a server… or anyone
6. Drink too much
7. Talk about work the entire time
8. Have bad breath/hygiene
9. Talk about marriage (either your future one or what went wrong in your last one)
10. Fail to tip well
11. Talk about yourself too much
12. Be fake or some false version of yourself
13. Flip the “off” switch if no attraction

The last point always gets some questions. Sometimes we walk into a date and know within a matter of minutes that there is no physical attraction whatsoever. I’m a big believer that attraction can grow, but in order to grow, there at least has to be a little seedling to start. If there’s not, many people will just turn off, or no longer be present on the date. This means that you’re not only wasting your time but your date’s as well. Rather than deciding that this date is a failure at the get-go, instead, reframe your mind. Could this person teach you something? Could he or she be a business contact? When you frame things as, “What can I get out of this interaction?” then it’s a more pleasant experience for both of you.

What to do on a first date:

1. Confirm one day before the date (via text is A-okay)
2. Arrive on time
3. Greet each other with a casual hug (hug = date, handshake = interview)
4. Wear clothes to match the venue
5. Put the phone away (Yes, away!)
6. Smile and remain positive
7. Ask questions
8. Have a two-sided conversation
9. Most importantly… have fun!

One additional point about confirming a day before the date. Use the confident “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” vs. “Are we still on?” If someone is inclined to cancel, it won’t matter how you ask, so you might as well show your self-confidence.

Body language—how to increase the “flirt factor” on the date:

1. Face your date: Are your knees facing your date or turned away? The more you point them towards your date, the more likely you are into him/her, and vice versa.

2. Sit next to or catty-corner rather than across: It’s much easier to have a more intimate, and less interview-like conversation this way.

3. Maintain eye contact: If you want someone to know you’re truly listening, then make the appropriate eye contact.

4. Again… Don’t forget to smile

There are no right or wrong questions to ask on a date, but the ones that do better require more than a simple one-word answer. For example, “What made you passionate about medicine?” is more interesting than “What do you do?”

Some other ideas:

1. How was your day? (Often overlooked, but a great conversation starter.)
2. What do you like to do after work?
3. What made you decide to move to this area, and how do you like it?
4. What does your ideal Sunday look like?

All of these questions are things the other person already knows about him or herself, so it doesn’t require too much introspection. Then you can delve deeper:

Level 1: What do you do?

Level 2: Have you always had a passion for medicine and animals?

Level 3: What are some of the more memorable stories from your job?

Level 4: Were you scared when you thought that sweet cat wasn’t going to make it?

Remember that, in dating, there’s no perfect science… far from it. But using these pointers will at least get you on the right track… and potentially a second date!

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I have a client who is lovely. She is 55 years old but looks 45 (which I rarely say!), extremely physically active, and has a smile for miles. I’m helping her manage her Match.com account—selecting men, helping arrange dates, etc.

She had a first date recently with a gentleman from the site, and they met at a dimly lit wine bar. I have clients fill out a short survey right after each date that I set up so I can get a sense of how it went. With permission from her to post, excerpts from the survey read: “Yes, this was a quality guy. Good find!” and “I found myself more and more attracted to him as the date passed.” On the scale of 1 to 10, she gave the date an 8, saying, “I liked him – he has a laid back disposition, he speaks calmly but he is very interesting and has done a lot of interesting things in his life – we had a lot of similar interests.”

I was thrilled. She was thrilled. They arranged a second date. That second date happened, and I received this email right afterward:

“I am just back from my second date. I am completely perplexed… I feel [he] is not what he put forward on his profile. He is laid back and very adventuresome… or was. But something tells me something is not right… such a difficult feeling to sort through. It’s not like I can say, ‘What year were you born? Show me your birth certificate!’ He is nice, but I feel he is much older than 58. Or, am I not in touch with myself and this is what a match is for me??”

I was certainly disheartened when I saw this note. The power of dim lighting on the first date perhaps had more of an impact than she thought? Much worse than the date not going well, though, my client started to doubt herself.

Now, I never do this, but I was curious, so, using the little information I had from his Match account, I did a bit of sleuthing and found her date’s profile on LinkedIn. (Honestly, I was surprised she hadn’t beaten me to it!) Assuming he graduated college at 22, using my elementary school math skills, that would have put him at 64 years old, not 58. For the record, lying online is not okay. Not ever.

When my client and I spoke, she was very upset. Rather than simply being upset with her date for portraying himself inaccurately, though, she was upset about her dating life as a whole. In her eyes, what message was she sending to attract this “old man”? Was she lowering her standards? Was this really the only type of man she could “get”? She went as far as asking me if she should start grilling all of her next dates about the year they are born and their past relationship history.

I cut her off with a resounding NO. She was, unfortunately, letting this one man’s lie impact her self-worth. He should not, nor should anyone, have that power. I told her that his lack of confidence made him hide his real age. That had nothing to do with her. I told her that she can’t project this one man’s behavior on other dates, thereby penalizing them before she even meets them.

She had a major high after the first date and then a major low after the second. I encouraged her, as I would with any client, to remember that your dating life is not only as good as your last date. Take each date for what it is—one date. Like in the law of large numbers, the more dates you go on, the less sway each one should have. With not very many in her sample size, each one can really impact what she perceives as the average. As she, and you, go on more dates, you’ll see that it’s important to treat each one separately, not let one person determine your self-worth, and try to go into each new experience with an open mind and an open heart.

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The Bachelor started back up a few weeks ago. Now, I didn’t start watching until two seasons ago, mainly because Ben Higgins was so darn cute, but every time a new season starts, I have mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, it’s certainly entertaining… in much the same way that watching a train wreck is entertaining. You know you should look away, but you just can’t. The Bachelor is the rubbernecking god of ABC. On the other hand, the show is, in my opinion, wholly demeaning to women.

When there is a female Bachelorette, like JoJo last season, the focus on the men is their job. How many times, for example, did we see that Evan was an “erectile dysfunction specialist.” Trust me—it was a lot. (I guess that bodes well for Carly, though, who he proposed to on Bachelor in Paradise.) On that season, we learned that Alex was a U.S. Marine, Grant (formerly of Grace) was a firefighter, Wells was a radio DJ (Hey Wells, if you’re single, call me!), and James Taylor was, unironically, a singer-songwriter. We never, throughout the entire season, found out what, if anything, JoJo did for a living.

When there is, instead, a male Bachelor, it seems that the focus is less on what a woman has to offer the world in terms of her career and more on her looks/hair/figure, and perhaps more still, her age. Nick Viall, the new (old?) Bachelor is 36 years old. I like that. He’s old enough to presumably make mature decisions and has enough life experience to know what’s right for him and what’s not. Do you know what the ages of the suitor(esse)s that were presented to him are? They range from 23 to 31. That’s right—the oldest woman is still five years younger than our main man. Four of the ladies are 23, a whopping 13 years younger! Nick was entering college when they were entering kindergarten! In fact, all but three women are under 30.

I don’t claim to be unbiased in this discussion. As both a dating coach and a 35-year-old woman myself, it’s hard to see a show like this perpetuating the conventional wisdom that the man should be older than the woman. I have no doubt that the show would have rejected me, not because I can’t verbally spar with someone, but because I’m 35, much too “old” for this fine gentleman. So much of this says to the world, “Women are valued for their beauty, not their brains, success, or experience.” For everyone’s sake, I hope the women who do best this season are the attorney, the special ed teacher, or the neonatal nurse. (So far, so good—go Rachel, Vanessa, and Danielle!)

I often date men younger than I am, and even if it’s just by a year, people love to comment about it. “Ooh—robbing the cradle, I see.” “A younger man—good for you!” “Who knew he liked older women?” It’s also a conversation I have with my clients all the time, especially those over 50. I have found that 95 percent of my clients over age 50 tell me that the other gender doesn’t age as well as theirs. Even a recent 38-year-old male client refuses to date women over 31. But, you know, everyone ages, everyone gets wrinkles, everyone has baggage. Age doesn’t define us. You have to look at people as individuals.

In 2010, OkCupid did a study called “The Case for an Older Woman,” showing men’s age ranges that they look for in a partner. Their analysis showed this: “A man, as he gets older, searches for relatively younger and younger women. Meanwhile his upper acceptable limit hovers only a token amount above his own age. A 31-year-old guy, for example, sets his allowable match age range from 22 to 35—nine years younger, but only four years older, than himself. This skewed mindset worsens with age; the median 42-year-old will accept a woman up to fifteen years younger, but no more than three years older. Women, on the other hand, show an openness to both reasonably younger and reasonably older men.”

I loved the conclusion of the study, which encouraged men to date women their own age or older, putting them into the “zone of greatness.” Yes, please.

I’m not naïve to the fact that we can all be superficial and notice someone’s looks first, and men especially want a younger woman because she’ll supposedly preserve her beauty longer than someone who is older. (I know I’ve skipped the whole childbearing rationale… I could have written a novel if I included that.) But, I have to wonder, at a certain point, if you’re almost a generation apart, what do you have in common? I guess only time will tell this season. But Bachelor Nation, I hope this gives you some food for thought.

I was so fired up that I even discussed the dating double standards with my friends at Let’s Talk Live on ABC7.

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