The Trap of “Not My Type”

I watch my clients use dating apps all the time, swiping left (as in, not interested) with reckless abandon. It’s frustrating! Think about it: How many times have you looked at someone’s profile and thought, “Nah, they’re just not my type”? I’ll be the first to say that it’s certainly okay to have preferences. But when those preferences turn into hard-and-fast rules (that you often can’t know from looking at one picture), you could be closing yourself off to incredible possibilities.

One specific client in LA comes to mind. She swore up and down that she wasn’t interested in men who were shorter than 5’10”. (Don’t even get me started on some people’s height “requirements.”) I challenged her to let go of that limitation… for just one date. Well, she ended up meeting someone amazing who was “only” 5’8″. In her follow-up survey that I sent after the date, she said, “I’ll admit, I probably would have swiped left purely because of height, but I’m really happy I went. He has a very calming energy, and we felt immediately comfortable. His dog is adorable, and he seems to be at a very stable point in his life, which is very attractive. We discussed the game Rummikub, and he downloaded the app on his phone and invited me to play him virtually last night—super cute. He’s very kind and secure, which is attractive.”

When we set arbitrary boundaries based on height, hobbies, or even hair style, we’re limiting ourselves more than we realize.

When Matches Don’t Work Out: Questions to Ask Yourself

If you feel like every match you meet just isn’t working out, it’s time to look inward. I’ve often found that frustration in dating stems from repeated patterns we’re not fully aware of. Ask yourself:

Am I chasing situations I know aren’t right for me? Sometimes we’re drawn to the same type of person, even when we know it’s a recipe for disaster.

Am I holding on to people for too long? Not every connection is meant to last, and that’s okay.

Am I undervaluing myself? If you’re accepting the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve more, that’s a red flag—for yourself.

Am I projecting my past onto new people? It’s easy to assume history will repeat itself, but new people deserve a clean slate.

It’s not about placing blame but about taking responsibility for the patterns you can control. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to breaking the cycle.

“All People Are Different People”

In the wise words of Ted Lasso (yes, I’m quoting TV here), “All people are different people.” It’s such a simple phrase, but it’s packed with meaning. Every person you meet brings their own unique history, quirks, and potential. Just because one person with a certain job, hobby, or personality trait didn’t work out doesn’t mean the next one won’t.

Too often, we generalize. We lump people into categories based on past experiences, forgetting that each individual deserves their own chance to shine.

The Beauty of Breaking Your Own Rules

One of my favorite success stories involves a client who had a “no lawyers” rule. She’d dated a lawyer before, and it hadn’t ended well. But after some nudging, she agreed to meet one… and now they’re married. It’s not that lawyers are inherently good or bad partners—it’s that she allowed herself to see beyond a single past experience.

Every time you break one of your own, often unsubstantiated, dating rules, you’re giving yourself a chance to grow. Maybe you’ll learn something new about what you want. Maybe you’ll realize a rule was serving as more of a defense mechanism than an actual dealbreaker. Who knows?

Moving Forward

The path to finding the right person starts with you. By letting go of perhaps arbitrary ideas about who your type is and looking at your patterns, you’ll open yourself up to connections you never thought possible.

The post Redefining Your “Type”: Expanding Your Dating Parameters Can Change Everything appeared first on .

Question I received:

“How do I politely tell the girl I’m seeing that she needs to lose weight?”

My, perhaps indelicate, response was this:

“‘How do I politely tell you that this is such a disgusting question?’

Unless you are her medical provider, you don’t.

If your interest in her is contingent on her weight, please end things. For the sake of both of you.

She has a mirror. She knows what she looks like. But she doesn’t have to lose weight. Someone will love her exactly as she is. Sadly, that someone is not you. And if she does lose weight, it will be her choice, not because the person she’s dating—the one who is supposed to like her for her—only wants her at a certain size.

We take people as they come. And assume that how they are now is how they will continue. Then we accept that or not.”

I know this is a sensitive topic for many, and as much as I wanted to be kinder in my response, especially since someone had felt comfortable enough asking me (albeit anonymously), I had a difficult time doing that. When we meet someone, that is the person they are. Can people change in the future? Sure. But to only be with someone contingent on them making a change that you deem acceptable is not a reason to be with someone.

This question reminded me of a different yet related question recently asking this: “He treats me SO amazingly but doesn’t have much direction in life (he’s 35). Do I wait and hope?”

And my response was similar:

“The person you meet now is the person you are going to get. If you are happy with him just as he is, continue dating him. But if you only want to date him contingent on waiting and hoping for something to happen that will likely not, please don’t.

The true question to ask yourself is this: Can I be happy with this person assuming they stay exactly as they are, direction in life or otherwise? If the answer is no, it’s a sign to reconsider the relationship. Hoping for someone to change is a gamble—one that’s unfair to both of you.”

There is, of course, some nuance here. As important as it is to believe that the person you meet is the person who they are going to be, what if changes occur while you are in a relationship—weight loss or gain, a newfound lack of motivation, or something else? As comfort sets into a relationship, sometimes changes can—and do—happen. At that point, there is room to discuss this perceived change with your partner. Rather than accusing someone of “getting worse,” instead, come from a place of curiosity. “Is everything okay? I noticed that you haven’t seemed as motivated lately when it comes to work? Do you want to talk about it?” Then you can have a more collaborative conversation rather than one where your partner feels that your interest is contingent on who they were before.

Everyone will have a set of “perceived flaws,” or subjective things that you would not prefer. Which ones can you live with and which ones can’t you? That’s up to you to decide. Because, in the end, while we can support our partners in their growth, any change must come from their own desire, not our demands.

The post How Do I Tell the Person I’m Dating to Change? appeared first on .

Question: “I have been dating someone for three months, and we’re exclusive (not seeing other people). I’m ready to define the relationship (DTR) but don’t want to lose him if he’s not ready. How to have the talk?”

My response:

“For better or for worse (and I hope better, of course!), that’s a risk you’re going to have to take. I don’t want you not having your needs fulfilled—in this case, it sounds like a label on the relationship—because you are afraid of the other person’s reaction.

If you are exclusive, why do you think the two of you are not on the same page about what I presume is labels?

Here’s how you might approach it: ‘I’ve really been enjoying everything we’ve been doing, and I love being exclusive with you. I just want to make sure we are on the same page about what that means to both of us. For me, I’d love to be able to call you my boyfriend/partner. What do you think?’ Simple, direct, and honest.

If he is, in fact, not ready, which, given your hesitancy, seems somewhat likely, then it’s up to you to decide how to move forward or not. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. Feel free to read that last sentence again. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. You’re sharing your life with this person, at least at this moment in time, so start with sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Lastly, I would prefer that the whole exclusivity/label conversation happens together so you don’t have this in-between period of being exclusive but wondering what the heck you are. It happens more often than one might think.”

That’s as far as I got with my response to the question, but I want to add that it’s actually quitecommon these days for couples to agree to exclusivity—no dating or sleeping with other people—without fully defining the relationship. Labels, dating app statuses, introductions to friends and family? All left in limbo. While some people are okay with ambiguity (often the person who is more reticent to commit), others find it leaves them feeling confused and wanting more.

When you do decide to have this conversation, I encourage you to cover all the bases:

• What does exclusivity mean to each of you? (It’s so important to be on the same page here.)
• Are you ready to fully take down or only pause your dating app profiles? (This seemingly small distinction makes a huge difference.)
• How would you like to introduce each other to friends or family? (“Boyfriend/girlfriend,” “partner,” something else?)
• What are your expectations for the relationship moving forward?

Leaving these topics unspoken can lead to unmet expectations, like in the original question. And if you’re not ready to dive into all of this yet, that’s okay, too. Wait until you feel ready. Assuming no one is putting pressure on you, take your time. I only want you to become exclusive with someone if you are already getting the behaviors you want, and now the titles just equal what you’re already doing. If, however, you’re feeling anxious about things, and you think that becoming exclusive or defining the relationship will quell your nerves and make you feel more stable, it won’t. Whatever behavior you’re getting before exclusivity or defining the relationship is the behavior you’re going to be getting after exclusivity, but probably amplified.

One more point that may provide some comfort: Nothing in life—or in relationships anyway—is irreversible. If you both decide to define the relationship and it doesn’t feel quite right later (even if that “later” is shortly after this conversation), you can always adjust course. Relationships are a process of discovery, and defining it is just one step.

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This is a question someone asked me recently. In my line of work as a dating coach, things come up in all areas of the early dating process—how to use the apps efficiently, what to do/say on a first date, when/what to text, how to build connection and chemistry, and, of course, how to navigate the more physically intimate topics too.

First, I’ll share my response, and then we can delve into it a bit further. Here’s what I said:

“I can’t answer that question. There is no moratorium on going out on other dates if you have sex with one person. It’s really up to you. Now, if you want to stop going on dates with other people, that’s your choice. But it does not mean the other person is making that choice. And if you want to bring up exclusivity/a relationship with the person you’ve chosen to have sex with, that’s also a choice. Basically, do what feels right for you.”

In other words, choosing to be intimate with someone—in this case sexually—does not preclude you from dating other people if you have not defined the terms of the relationship, particularly exclusivity.

But, I would ask yourself a few questions:

• Would I feel guilty if I went on other dates? Why?
• Would I feel more comfortable only sleeping with one person?
• How would I feel if I found out the person I’m sleeping with is dating or sleeping with other people?
• Am I looking for something casual, or do I want something more serious with this person?
• Do I feel comfortable talking about physical intimacy with this person?
• Do I feel comfortable initiating a conversation about exclusivity or defining the relationship with this person?
• If I stop seeing other people, am I doing so because I genuinely want to, or because I think it will influence their feelings toward me?

Truly take a moment to think through these questions because the last thing you want is to harbor resentment, either in yourself for having sex before you were in a relationship, or in the other person for continuing to date others.

Most important here is the emphasis on self-reflection and personal boundaries before imposing expectations on yourself or another person. It’s so important in these early stages of dating (though, from the question, I don’t know how long these people have known each other), where assumptions can often lead to disappointment.

It’s also worth considering that everyone brings their own experiences, values, and expectations into dating and intimacy. For some person, sex is a deeply emotional act tied to commitment, while for others, it’s a natural, and not especially meaningful, part of exploring compatibility with someone new. Neither is right or wrong—it’s just a matter of seeing what feels authentic to you.

Ultimately, sexual intimacy doesn’t inherently change the status of a relationship unless it’s explicitly discussed. Having sex with someone may deepen the relationship in some ways, since hormones are now involved, but in others, unless stated, nothing will change, other than the addition of these activities to your repertoire.

I know the topic of sex can often feel like an unspoken turning point in a relationship, but remember that without clear communication, it’s just that—unspoken.

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The Paradox of Choice

One of the most significant changes in modern dating is the sheer volume of choices available. With countless dating sites, you can meet people from all walks of life with a few taps on your phone. However, this abundance of choice often leads to the paradox of choice—where having too many options makes it harder to make a decision and leaves people less satisfied with the decisions they ultimately make. (The concept was popularized by psychologist Barry Schwartz, if you want to read more on it.)

Many people find themselves endlessly swiping, always wondering if the next person might be a better match. My advice? Set some parameters for yourself. Decide on the qualities that are truly important to you and focus on those. Remember, no one is perfect, and sometimes, the pursuit of perfection can be the enemy of the good.

Authenticity is Key

In the era of curated Instagram feeds and filtered selfies, authenticity can sometimes feel like a rare commodity. However, being genuine is more important than ever. When crafting your dating profile, be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for. Avoid clichés like “I love to travel” or “I’m looking for my partner in crime.” Instead, share specific details that make you unique.

For example, instead of saying you love to travel, mention your favorite travel destination and why you loved it. If you’re passionate about cooking, talk about your signature dish. These details not only make your profile stand out but also give potential matches something to connect with.

Communication is Everything

Good communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, and this starts from your very first interaction. When you match with someone, take the time to send a thoughtful message. I know it might seem overly time-consuming, but it’ll be worth it. Mention something from their profile that caught your eye or ask a question that invites a meaningful response.

Once you’re in a conversation, be present and engaged. Listen (well, through your screen) actively and respond thoughtfully. And ask questions back. (This is the bane of many online daters’ existence… people who reply but don’t engage.) Avoid falling into the trap of texting endlessly without ever meeting in person. While texting is convenient, it can’t replace the connection that comes from face-to-face interaction.

Navigating the First Date

The first date is your chance to see if the online connection translates into real-life chemistry. Choose a location that’s conducive to conversation, like a coffee shop or a casual restaurant. Keep the date relatively short—an hour or two is perfect for a first meeting. This way, if you don’t click, it’s not a significant time commitment. And if you do click, you’ll have something to look forward to next time.

Remember to approach the first date with an open mind and a positive attitude. It’s normal to feel nervous, but try to focus on getting to know the person rather than impressing them. Authenticity and genuine curiosity go a long way.

Handling Rejection

Rejection is an inevitable part of dating, but it doesn’t have to be devastating. If someone isn’t interested, it’s not a reflection of your worth. It simply means they’re not the right match for you. Take it in stride and keep moving forward. Every “no” brings you one step closer to the right “yes.”

The Role of Technology

Technology has undoubtedly made it easier to meet people, but it’s important not to let it replace genuine human connection. Use dating apps as a tool to facilitate meeting new people, but don’t rely on them exclusively. Attend social events, join clubs or groups that interest you, and be open to meeting people in your daily life.

Self-Care and Patience

Finally, remember that finding the right partner takes time. Don’t rush the process or settle for less than you deserve. Take care of yourself, pursue your passions, and maintain a positive outlook. The right person will come along when the time is right.

Dating these days can be challenging, sure, but it’s also full of opportunities for growth and connection. By staying true to yourself, communicating effectively, and embracing the journey, you can navigate the world of modern dating with confidence and optimism.

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So, what exactly is a situationship, and how do you navigate one?

1. What Is a Situationship?

A situationship is that in-between stage where you’re more than just friends but not quite in a committed relationship. (The name is just as ambiguous as the actual thing.) You might be spending time together, going on dates, and having physical intimacy, but there’s no official label. It’s a relationship without the definition—a “ship” without the anchor.

2. The Appeal of Situationships

Why do situationships happen? To start, they can be low-pressure and convenient. In a world where everyone seems to be juggling careers, family, social lives, and personal growth, a situationship offers the perks of a relationship without the demands. You get companionship, intimacy, and someone to spend time with—without the serious talks or long-term planning. For some people, this is exactly what they’re looking for. But for others (dare I say, many), it’s a temporary state that leaves them yearning for clarity and commitment.

3. Signs You’re in a Situationship

• Lack of labels: You haven’t defined the relationship, and there’s no talk of exclusivity.
• Inconsistent communication: You might go days or even weeks without hearing from someone, only to pick up right where you left off with no reference to the time lapse.
• No future plans: Conversations about the future are vague or nonexistent. You’re living in the moment, which seems like a good thing for a short while, but you’re not sure where it’s going.
• Emotional ambiguity: You feel like you’re walking on eggshells when it comes to discussing feelings. There’s a sense of uncertainty about how the person you’re dating feels about you.

4. The Emotional Toll of a Situationship

While situationships can be enjoyable, they can also take a toll on your emotional well-being, especially if you’re hoping for more. The uncertainty can lead to anxiety, frustration, and self-doubt. You might find yourself constantly analyzing every interaction, trying to decipher what they’re thinking or where things are headed. If it’s causing more stress than happiness (as in, are you miserable or anxious more than 50% of the time… or are you only happy when you’re physically together?), it might be time to reassess what you need from this connection.

5. How to Navigate a Situationship

If you’re in a situationship and feeling uncertain, here are some steps to take:

• Know your worth: First and foremost, remember that you deserve clarity and respect in any relationship. Don’t settle for less just because you’re afraid of losing the connection. You don’t have to live in the status quo.
• Communicate openly: If you’re looking for more than what the situationship is offering, it’s crucial to communicate your feelings and expectations. Have a candid conversation about where you stand and where you’d like things to go. And be okay with any response.
• Be honest with yourself: Ask yourself if this situationship is truly fulfilling your needs. If not, it might be time to move on and seek a relationship that aligns with your desires. I promise, you’ll be okay.

6. When to Walk Away

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away. It’s not easy, especially if you’ve developed real feelings, but staying in a state of uncertainty can prevent you from finding the committed relationship you truly want. As a note—an important note—walking away doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Quite the opposite, in fact. It means you’ve recognized your worth and chosen to prioritize your happiness. Being with someone isn’t the end goal. Being happy is.

7. Turning a Situationship into a Relationship

If you’re hoping to turn a situationship into a more committed relationship, you have to have an honest conversation about your intentions. Be clear about what you want, and give the other person the opportunity to express their feelings. While there’s no guarantee that they’ll want the same thing (in fact, chances are slim or else it likely would have turned into something before), being upfront can help you both determine if you’re on the same page.

Some final thoughts:

Situationships are a reflection of two things: our current dating culture (fluid, fast-paced, and often undefined) and some people’s interest in keeping someone around because something feels better than nothing… and the other person’s acceptance of that.

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As a dating coach, I’ve seen firsthand how recognizing warning signs early on can save you from heartache down the road. So, let’s delve into eight actual red flags to make note of when evaluating potential partners.

1. Unreliability: Imagine making plans for a date, only for your date to cancel 20 minutes before without a valid excuse… or fail to show up altogether. If this becomes a recurring pattern (although, I would keep my eyes open if it happens even once), it’s a clear indication that they likely don’t value your time or prioritize your relationship.

• A negative attitude (or blatant meanness) towards other people: While enjoying a night out together, your date criticizes the restaurant staff for minor mistakes or makes disparaging remarks about strangers within earshot. Pay attention to how they treat those around them because it can reveal underlying issues with empathy and respect for others.

• Controlling behavior: How would you feel if your partner insists on knowing your whereabouts at all times, monitors your interactions with friends and family, and becomes visibly upset when you assert your independence? These controlling tendencies, whether they stem from jealousy or something else, can escalate over time and lead to feelings of suffocation and resentment within the relationship. You’re allowed to have your own friends and your own life. In fact, it’s essential to maintaining a healthy balance.

• Refusal to compromise: Despite your efforts to find common ground and make decisions together, whether it’s as simple as what to order on a menu or as large as how you do your work, this person dismisses your preferences and insists on having their own way. Healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise, thrive on respect and compromise, so be wary of partners who refuse to meet you halfway.

• Inconsistent Treatment: Your partner showers you with affection and attention one moment, only to withdraw and become distant without explanation. Some might call it breadcrumbing. Whatever it is, it’s confusing and unsustainable. Their inconsistent behavior leaves you feeling confused and unsure of where you stand in the relationship. You shouldn’t have to live like that, wondering which version of this person you’re going to get on any given day.

• Avoidance of accountability: Essentially, can they acknowledge your point of view and apologize if necessary? When conflicts arise, do they deflect blame onto others or refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Of course, it’s never their fault! Instead of addressing issues head-on, they make excuses or shift the focus away from their behavior, making it hard to resolve conflicts and build trust.

• Disregard for boundaries: You express discomfort with certain behaviors, but someone continues to push your limits without consent. Whether it’s crossing physical, emotional, or personal boundaries, this lack of respect can erode trust and lead to feelings of resentment.

• Intense early attachment: Call it “love bombing” if you like, but someone declares their love for you early in the relationship, through actions or words, and talks about a future together before you’ve had the chance to truly get to know each other as individuals. Feeling infatuated in the early stages of dating might seem normal, but be aware of partners who rush into commitment without allowing the relationship to develop organically. Some people call this “future faking” also.

Noticing and addressing these dating red flags is essential for protecting your emotional well-being and ensuring a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Notice I didn’t say “looking for red flags”—big difference. Trust your instincts, communicate openly with your partner, and don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a trusted professional if you have concerns about your relationship. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you for who you are.

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She told me via text, “I have to be honest, he’s not my type and I’m not attracted to him, but I will of course meet him for a drink tomorrow as I wouldn’t want to hurt someone or cancel last minute.” My client also suggested that she show me some of the men on the apps that she was interested in so I could get a “better sense of the guys that interest me.”

I replied, “I appreciate the feedback. Let’s leave the possibility of a pleasant surprise open for tomorrow. And then I’m happy to discuss next week. I think I have a pretty good sense of your type, but it obviously also depends on who answers and can carry a conversation.”

So she went on the date (glad she took my advice)… and it went much better than she expected.

“Great guy!!!” she said in a survey following the meet-up. “I was pleasantly surprised so thank you for that as this was initially not my type. He is extremely warm-hearted, well-mannered, intellectually stimulating, and we had a lot talk about. For the most part of the date, I felt a great vibe between us and could see myself continuing to see him. We had a lot in common regarding work and education so it was really nice to speak with him and the conversation was flowing.”

My client said that instead of picking up on something she didn’t like and shutting down the opportunity to meet someone new, “I just went with it and felt great.”

I understand that everyone’s time is valuable, so it’s easy to write off someone as just “not my type.” But what does that really mean? For everyone, it’s probably a little different, but in essence, there’s something about that person that you aren’t 100% in love with. Maybe they mention an interest you don’t share (you’re an artist, they’ve never been in a museum) or you’re not immediately attracted to them physically (more likely). Either way, none of those things are the linchpin in a successful relationship. Instead, it’s best to go into a first date with an open mind — and as my client found out, there’s a chance that you’ll be surprised by the results.

It’s difficult to go on a first date with zero expectations, but it’s important to not overthink. Instead, let the relationship progress naturally… and enjoy every step of the process of getting to know someone, even if they’re not “the one.” Who knows? They could make a great friend or match for someone else in your life. Maybe it’ll just be a funny story or an experience where you learn something new. That’s okay! And definitely not a waste of your time.

As some food for thought, what is a “type” anyway? Is it really just a pattern? Embracing the unexpected can lead to some of the most fulfilling connections. The concept of a “type” often stems from superficial preferences or preconceived notions that may not be indicative of genuine compatibility. My client’s experience serves as a testament to the idea that being open-minded can pave the way for surprising and meaningful connections. So, the next time you’re tempted to dismiss someone as “not your type,” consider the possibility that you might be overlooking a chance for something truly special to unfold.

I’ll always encourage my clients to take every dating opportunity that comes their way… and I do really enjoy it when my advice pays off.

The post Why “Not My Type” Is Hurting Your Chances of Meeting a Perfect Match appeared first on .

During my latest “Ask Erika Monday” session on Instagram (have questions of your own or curious about what people are wondering in their own dating lives? Join me next week!), I got a message from someone who was very frustrated by the men she’s met recently.

“I feel so deflated — every guy this year has just messed me up. How to deal?” they asked.

I answered, “If *every* guy has messed you up, then it is definitely time to look internally — probably with the help of a great therapist. No one gets the right to ‘mess you up’ without your consent.”

I shared a list of questions for this person, and anyone else who was feeling similarly, to ask themselves.

• Are you entering situations that you know are not good for you?
• Are you holding onto people for too long?
• Are you determining your value based on what other people think of you?
• Are you accepting the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve more?
• Are you projecting experiences from the past onto new people, thereby repeating history?

There will always be outside influences out of our control, but it is important to realize that how you react to situations is 100% your responsibility. And at the start of the new year, maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself and figure out ways to ensure you’re not repeating behaviors that are keeping you from finding your match.

Of course, sometimes this can’t be done alone. Luckily, there are many resources available to help. If seeing a therapist doesn’t work with your budget or schedule, you might want to look into some of the more affordable online therapy sites that offer personalized, virtual counseling to work through some of the questions outlined above. A few options include:

• BetterHelp
• Talkspace
• Open Path Collective
• 7 Cups
• Regain

Practicing meditation, journaling, or opening up to close friends can also help you understand why relationships have been difficult for you and if there are patterns that might be holding you back.

There’s a bad apple in every bunch, but when every apple is rotten, it’s time to recognize why… and maybe find your fruit elsewhere. By growing yourself, you can get the apples from the top branches instead of the ones that have already fallen on the ground.

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First, there’s a small problem here. While, yes, everyone has a “type,” I would not recommend being so narrow as to only look for who you think you want to be with. Someone may very well surprise you who is outside your normal realm of preferences. But there’s a bigger problem…

Here’s the issue with wanting to write to attract a certain type of person — we have no idea what that person is actually looking for!

I got this email the other day from a client:

“It just occurred to me that the last woman I dated was interested in my scuba diving picture from the beginning. It was the first thing she asked about, and we initially bonded over our shared experience in water adventures.

I’m looking for a woman who is as physically adventurous as I am, which means I’d like her to be comfortable with the risk level of scuba diving even if she’s not interested in that particular activity. (Though I haven’t been diving in probably six years.) Would you feel comfortable asking some of your single female friends if they think it’s a good fit for the profile?”

I’ve certainly never gotten that request before! But here’s the thing: No singular response is representative of “the type of woman” he’s looking for. I replied very simply, below:

“Thanks for asking! Here’s what I will ask you: Is scuba diving a representative part of your life? If yes, then we should include it. If not, then we shouldn’t. We could ask 10 women and get five for it and five against it, so what really matters is how well it gets to who you are.”

Swap scuba diving for anything, and the same is true. Your profile should represent who you are, not try to game the system into attracting someone in particular. Because whatever we think that person wants, we’re probably wrong. So just be yourself! The people who are attracted to you are the ones who like you for you, not because you tried to fit yourself into some mold.

To drive the point home, let’s look again at my first example: The target man in his 60s, well-educated, has grown kids, and lives in New York City. You might think, “Well, he probably wants someone also well-educated, so I should play up the fact that I have a PhD. And he likely wants someone who lives in the city, so I’ll mention that I’m in the East Village. And I’m guessing he likes someone with a more serious side, so I’ll be sure to show a photo of me doing something important.” Yes, someone may want this persona, but in reality, this man may instead want a woman who is nurturing, lives in the suburbs, and has a passion for dancing. The point is that we just don’t know.

So just be yourself. Make sure your profile and photos represent who you are today, not an aspirational you or a you who wants to fit into someone else’s mold. Trust me – if you’re 100% authentic, you won’t regret it.

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