This is a question someone asked me recently. In my line of work as a dating coach, things come up in all areas of the early dating process—how to use the apps efficiently, what to do/say on a first date, when/what to text, how to build connection and chemistry, and, of course, how to navigate the more physically intimate topics too.

First, I’ll share my response, and then we can delve into it a bit further. Here’s what I said:

“I can’t answer that question. There is no moratorium on going out on other dates if you have sex with one person. It’s really up to you. Now, if you want to stop going on dates with other people, that’s your choice. But it does not mean the other person is making that choice. And if you want to bring up exclusivity/a relationship with the person you’ve chosen to have sex with, that’s also a choice. Basically, do what feels right for you.”

In other words, choosing to be intimate with someone—in this case sexually—does not preclude you from dating other people if you have not defined the terms of the relationship, particularly exclusivity.

But, I would ask yourself a few questions:

• Would I feel guilty if I went on other dates? Why?
• Would I feel more comfortable only sleeping with one person?
• How would I feel if I found out the person I’m sleeping with is dating or sleeping with other people?
• Am I looking for something casual, or do I want something more serious with this person?
• Do I feel comfortable talking about physical intimacy with this person?
• Do I feel comfortable initiating a conversation about exclusivity or defining the relationship with this person?
• If I stop seeing other people, am I doing so because I genuinely want to, or because I think it will influence their feelings toward me?

Truly take a moment to think through these questions because the last thing you want is to harbor resentment, either in yourself for having sex before you were in a relationship, or in the other person for continuing to date others.

Most important here is the emphasis on self-reflection and personal boundaries before imposing expectations on yourself or another person. It’s so important in these early stages of dating (though, from the question, I don’t know how long these people have known each other), where assumptions can often lead to disappointment.

It’s also worth considering that everyone brings their own experiences, values, and expectations into dating and intimacy. For some person, sex is a deeply emotional act tied to commitment, while for others, it’s a natural, and not especially meaningful, part of exploring compatibility with someone new. Neither is right or wrong—it’s just a matter of seeing what feels authentic to you.

Ultimately, sexual intimacy doesn’t inherently change the status of a relationship unless it’s explicitly discussed. Having sex with someone may deepen the relationship in some ways, since hormones are now involved, but in others, unless stated, nothing will change, other than the addition of these activities to your repertoire.

I know the topic of sex can often feel like an unspoken turning point in a relationship, but remember that without clear communication, it’s just that—unspoken.

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The Paradox of Choice

One of the most significant changes in modern dating is the sheer volume of choices available. With countless dating sites, you can meet people from all walks of life with a few taps on your phone. However, this abundance of choice often leads to the paradox of choice—where having too many options makes it harder to make a decision and leaves people less satisfied with the decisions they ultimately make. (The concept was popularized by psychologist Barry Schwartz, if you want to read more on it.)

Many people find themselves endlessly swiping, always wondering if the next person might be a better match. My advice? Set some parameters for yourself. Decide on the qualities that are truly important to you and focus on those. Remember, no one is perfect, and sometimes, the pursuit of perfection can be the enemy of the good.

Authenticity is Key

In the era of curated Instagram feeds and filtered selfies, authenticity can sometimes feel like a rare commodity. However, being genuine is more important than ever. When crafting your dating profile, be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for. Avoid clichés like “I love to travel” or “I’m looking for my partner in crime.” Instead, share specific details that make you unique.

For example, instead of saying you love to travel, mention your favorite travel destination and why you loved it. If you’re passionate about cooking, talk about your signature dish. These details not only make your profile stand out but also give potential matches something to connect with.

Communication is Everything

Good communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, and this starts from your very first interaction. When you match with someone, take the time to send a thoughtful message. I know it might seem overly time-consuming, but it’ll be worth it. Mention something from their profile that caught your eye or ask a question that invites a meaningful response.

Once you’re in a conversation, be present and engaged. Listen (well, through your screen) actively and respond thoughtfully. And ask questions back. (This is the bane of many online daters’ existence… people who reply but don’t engage.) Avoid falling into the trap of texting endlessly without ever meeting in person. While texting is convenient, it can’t replace the connection that comes from face-to-face interaction.

Navigating the First Date

The first date is your chance to see if the online connection translates into real-life chemistry. Choose a location that’s conducive to conversation, like a coffee shop or a casual restaurant. Keep the date relatively short—an hour or two is perfect for a first meeting. This way, if you don’t click, it’s not a significant time commitment. And if you do click, you’ll have something to look forward to next time.

Remember to approach the first date with an open mind and a positive attitude. It’s normal to feel nervous, but try to focus on getting to know the person rather than impressing them. Authenticity and genuine curiosity go a long way.

Handling Rejection

Rejection is an inevitable part of dating, but it doesn’t have to be devastating. If someone isn’t interested, it’s not a reflection of your worth. It simply means they’re not the right match for you. Take it in stride and keep moving forward. Every “no” brings you one step closer to the right “yes.”

The Role of Technology

Technology has undoubtedly made it easier to meet people, but it’s important not to let it replace genuine human connection. Use dating apps as a tool to facilitate meeting new people, but don’t rely on them exclusively. Attend social events, join clubs or groups that interest you, and be open to meeting people in your daily life.

Self-Care and Patience

Finally, remember that finding the right partner takes time. Don’t rush the process or settle for less than you deserve. Take care of yourself, pursue your passions, and maintain a positive outlook. The right person will come along when the time is right.

Dating these days can be challenging, sure, but it’s also full of opportunities for growth and connection. By staying true to yourself, communicating effectively, and embracing the journey, you can navigate the world of modern dating with confidence and optimism.

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As a dating coach, I’ve seen firsthand how recognizing warning signs early on can save you from heartache down the road. So, let’s delve into eight actual red flags to make note of when evaluating potential partners.

1. Unreliability: Imagine making plans for a date, only for your date to cancel 20 minutes before without a valid excuse… or fail to show up altogether. If this becomes a recurring pattern (although, I would keep my eyes open if it happens even once), it’s a clear indication that they likely don’t value your time or prioritize your relationship.

• A negative attitude (or blatant meanness) towards other people: While enjoying a night out together, your date criticizes the restaurant staff for minor mistakes or makes disparaging remarks about strangers within earshot. Pay attention to how they treat those around them because it can reveal underlying issues with empathy and respect for others.

• Controlling behavior: How would you feel if your partner insists on knowing your whereabouts at all times, monitors your interactions with friends and family, and becomes visibly upset when you assert your independence? These controlling tendencies, whether they stem from jealousy or something else, can escalate over time and lead to feelings of suffocation and resentment within the relationship. You’re allowed to have your own friends and your own life. In fact, it’s essential to maintaining a healthy balance.

• Refusal to compromise: Despite your efforts to find common ground and make decisions together, whether it’s as simple as what to order on a menu or as large as how you do your work, this person dismisses your preferences and insists on having their own way. Healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise, thrive on respect and compromise, so be wary of partners who refuse to meet you halfway.

• Inconsistent Treatment: Your partner showers you with affection and attention one moment, only to withdraw and become distant without explanation. Some might call it breadcrumbing. Whatever it is, it’s confusing and unsustainable. Their inconsistent behavior leaves you feeling confused and unsure of where you stand in the relationship. You shouldn’t have to live like that, wondering which version of this person you’re going to get on any given day.

• Avoidance of accountability: Essentially, can they acknowledge your point of view and apologize if necessary? When conflicts arise, do they deflect blame onto others or refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Of course, it’s never their fault! Instead of addressing issues head-on, they make excuses or shift the focus away from their behavior, making it hard to resolve conflicts and build trust.

• Disregard for boundaries: You express discomfort with certain behaviors, but someone continues to push your limits without consent. Whether it’s crossing physical, emotional, or personal boundaries, this lack of respect can erode trust and lead to feelings of resentment.

• Intense early attachment: Call it “love bombing” if you like, but someone declares their love for you early in the relationship, through actions or words, and talks about a future together before you’ve had the chance to truly get to know each other as individuals. Feeling infatuated in the early stages of dating might seem normal, but be aware of partners who rush into commitment without allowing the relationship to develop organically. Some people call this “future faking” also.

Noticing and addressing these dating red flags is essential for protecting your emotional well-being and ensuring a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Notice I didn’t say “looking for red flags”—big difference. Trust your instincts, communicate openly with your partner, and don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a trusted professional if you have concerns about your relationship. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you for who you are.

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June 1, 2011

 
As the weather starts to get blistering hot, and the last thing you want is a glass of red wine by a fireplace, it’s time to start thinking about summer date ideas, especially first date ideas.

Summer is a time for BBQ and beer, baseball games and corn hole (which I am surprisingly good at – who knew?), pools and margaritas. But before you get so excited and plan a first date (with someone you met online) at a baseball game, let’s start with a critical lesson…

No dinner or extra-long activities on a first date… just drinks or coffee.

As open as I was to meeting everyone and giving most people not just one, but two chances (see All Men Go Bald…And Have Earwax and The Rule of Two), there are some dates where you show up and just know it’s not going to work out. Do you really want to sit through a whole meal or three-hour baseball game with someone who gives you the heebie-jeebies? That’s what I thought.

Now that we got that out of the way, let’s talk about some great summer date choices for both first dates and beyond.

First Date

Here are some ideas in DC and NYC with outdoor bars or roof decks:
DC: http://dc.metromix.com/bars-and-clubs/roundup/washington-d-c-s/1124260/content
NYC: http://newyork.citysearch.com/list/95711
Most coffee shops also have outdoor seating areas so those are a safe bet, too.

Second date… and beyond

Now, once you’ve moved on from the first date, this is where it gets more fun and creative. I’m going to list some good second (and beyond) date ideas for DC, but I’d be happy to talk to you about these ideas in any other city as well. I just happen to know my home turf best.
– Hiking in Great Falls
It’ll show your athleticism, and you’ll have beautiful scenery all around you.
– Monuments at night
Beautiful. Do a little research and impress your date with random facts. “Did you know the Washington Monument was started 36 years before it was completed?” “Wow!” – insert adoring eyes here – “You’re so smart… and cute too.”
– A picnic or board games on the Mall or at Meridian Hill Park
Both cute and competitive
– A baseball game
So much fun – beer, peanuts, yelling. What more could you want?
– Miniature golf (http://dc.about.com/od/golf/a/MiniatureGolf.htm)
Make it even more fun by creating a little bet at some of the holes. Example: The person who takes more shots on the next hole has to cook dinner the following week.
– Paddle boating on the Tidal Basin
A team-effort with great scenery
– Wine tasting
Enjoy a fun-filled day at a few Virginia wineries (better as a group so you have a designated driver)
– Kayaking from Jack’s Boat House in Georgetown
Also a team effort, and there are picnic tables there for when you’re done
– A walk in Old Town Alexandria (and/or taking the water taxi to/from there from Georgetown)
Fun, good shopping, scenic, a change of pace from downtown
– Frozen yogurt (at one of the 10,000 choices we have)
Stereotypical hot-day activity
– See an outdoor movie (http://dc.about.com/od/filmfestivals/tp/OutdoorMovies.htm)
If it’s going well, you can cozy up on a blanket.
– Eastern Market
Enjoy the outdoors and see what all the vendors have to offer. If you get hungry, head to one of the restaurants in 8th St. SE.
– Go to the zoo
Who doesn’t like a panda?
Or nothing beats taking a good old-fashioned walk.

Enjoy and happy dating!

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