On Valentine’s Day, many people reflect on the fact that they are single and don’t necessarily want to be. (Side note: Being single is MORE than okay… sprawl out in bed, watch what you want on TV, and revel in the fact that your life is your own. Enjoy it!)

But, should you want to meet someone, while we obviously can’t control chemistry or the longevity of relationships, we can certainly control our approach to finding someone. Here are five tips on why you might be single and how you can change that:

1. You’re not using online dating sites effectively. 

Almost daily, clients and friends alike complain about being single, yet when I ask what they’re doing to change that, I’m often met with a shrug, a blush, or a response of “not much, I guess.” Dating takes work! We can’t rely on serendipity. We can count on hard work… and even then, there’s no guarantee. What does “work” mean as it relates to dating? Once you have a profile up, you have to reach out to people… and then actually set up the dates. Swiping endlessly with no conversation will get you nowhere.

2. You have unrealistic expectations of how you should feel on/after a first date (and too strict criteria for going on a second).

I know everyone wants the fireworks or the elusive “spark,” but when nerves come into play, it’s often difficult to gauge how well you might get along with someone. The first date should not determine whether you can spend your future with someone. Rather, it should simply be a chance to see if you have some rapport. And the criteria I advise for a second date is, “Do I want to have one more conversation with this person?” If the answer is yes, or even maybe, then I encourage a second date. Take some pressure off of yourself to “feel it” immediately. 

3. You’re not holding yourself to the standard of the person you’re looking for.

Are you looking for someone fit and active? Then it will help to be fit and active yourself. Someone who reads 15 books a year? Then you better get cracking on that reading list! I see clients all the time who have a wish-list, but they don’t look inward to see what they have to offer to a partner. Ask yourself, “Would I want to date me?” If the answer is no, then it’s time for some self-improvement.

4. You complain about dating a lot.

Yes, dating can be frustrating. But talking about how frustrating it is all the time is not a turn-on, especially on a date itself. Try to stay positive, and if you can’t, take a hiatus from dating until you can.

5. You’re not putting your best foot forward.

I meet with many clients in person. When I see how they present themselves, I sometimes ask, “Is that what you’d wear on a date?” or “Would you be chewing gum like that on a date?” (I definitely practice tough love.) I’m often met with, “No — I knew I wasn’t planning on seeing anyone today I’m trying to impress.” While perhaps true, we are always presenting ourselves… at a coffee shop, at the gym, or on a date. Remember this: first impressions can’t be redone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, whether single, coupled, or something in between, just know that I’m in your corner.

Love,

Erika

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I saw this meme recently:

I hear things like this almost daily from clients and friends alike. They complain about being single, yet when I ask what they’re doing to change that, I’m often met with a shrug, a blush, or the response, “Not much, I guess.”

I’m going to shout this in case you can’t hear me: DATING TAKES WORK. We all remember a story of the one couple we know who met on the airplane. That’s lovely, but it’s also an outlier. Or how about those people who happened to be at the same birthday party and can’t believe they’ve never met before? That’s lovely, too. But we can’t rely on serendipity. We can count on hard work… and even then, there’s no guarantee.

For some clients’ coaching sessions, what I do is have them come to my office—in person or virtually—with their dating app-equipped phone in hand. I first look at their activity, or lack thereof, on whichever app(s) or sites they are using. After I have momentary heart failure when I see how many new matches are listed (as in, you’ve both “swiped right” on each other, indicating that you like each other) with not a single conversation happening, we go through the app slowly but surely until it’s organized and efficient.

First, we clean out those matches. We look at the profile and decide whether to send a message or not. For the ones who don’t interest my client, we “unmatch” them (meaning, they are no longer listed as matches in the app), and for the ones who do, we send a short, often cheeky, message to catch that person’s attention.

Once this is done, we swipe a bit. I like the rule of thumb “50 swipes or 5 matches—whichever comes first.” (On the larger sites like Match.com, try to send at least 10 emails a week.) Once we get any new matches, we write to them immediately. Usually, by the end of the hour with a client, he or she will have a date lined up for that week. A little bit of work, either with my hand forcing it or not, to get a date or two lined up seems worth it to me. But people aren’t doing that.

I was once on a vacation with a friend of mine. She’s accomplished and beautiful. She often shares with me her frustrations with being single and dating. I love my friend dearly, but it gets grating, especially when she’s complaining to a dating coach! Anyway, on this trip, I saw her swiping through Bumble numerous times. More than numerous, actually. Sometimes she would show me a profile that was particularly egregious. But for all that swiping, I never saw her send a message to anyone. Not one. (Don’t worry—she knows how I feel about this, so I’m not “outing” her.) Unfortunately, this is how too many people do online dating… by not doing it. Whether it’s laziness, cluelessness, or a defense mechanism to then say, “I tried and it didn’t work,” I’ll never know.

I encourage you to do anything you want—dating or otherwise—in a strategic manner. If, for example, you need to find a new job, you take the time to put together your resume, maybe do some practice interviews, buy some new clothes, and send your resume out to as many appropriate positions as possible. People don’t browse job postings simply to see what’s out there, never send a resume, and then get upset that they haven’t gotten a job.

So much comes down to people realizing that anything in life that’s worth it takes effort, time, and hard work. As a coach, I get frustrated—perhaps more than my clients and friends who express their frustrations with being single to me—when someone has these amazing tools at his or her disposal and isn’t using them efficiently because “it’s hard” or “it should just happen.” If I waited for things to “just happen,” I’d be sitting in a cubicle at Fannie Mae right now, watching my life pass me by (oh wait, no windows). If I waited for things to “just happen,” I wouldn’t have had all of the wonderful dates and relationships I’ve had from various online dating sites. And, if I waited for things to “just happen,” I wouldn’t be writing this article right now.

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This article is for anyone trying to get a date with a woman. As a woman myself, and working with 65% female clients of all ages, I have some insider information on what women want when it comes to dating… and what they don’t. I’m going to break it down in simple terms. Do any of these things, and your chances of getting a date dwindle. Avoid them, and you’re on the right path.

1. Gym selfies

Why, oh why, do men post these? I have a few hypotheses. It’s obvious that they think we, as women, want to see that they are in shape. Sure—we do. But we want to see you clothed. Period. If you’re in good shape, then we can tell… even if you’re wearing a sweater! (Sometimes, I honestly think men are posting these pictures for other men to see and be jealous. And sometimes I think they just want to show off.) No women I know, friends or clients alike, will swipe right or contact someone because of a gym picture. If anything, they are liking you despite the picture.

Someone just said it best on my Instagram page: “I ‘swipe left’ on anyone with gym pics because, to me, it signals they need or want external validation, which I find problematic for many reasons, including cheating, being a follower, and having low self-esteem, none of which are qualities I want in a date, let alone a partner.”

So, feel free to show women what you like to do—hiking, biking, surfing—but don’t take a gym selfie in the mirror (and claim it’s a hobby of yours). No one wants to see that… except you. So look in a mirror and admire yourself, but don’t subject the women you don’t know to it.

Like the expression, “Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made,” the same can be said for muscles. Just show the finished product… out of the gym.

2. Pet names

If you don’t know a woman yet, don’t call her “babe,” “baby,” “boo,” “beautiful,” “cutie,” “hun,” “honey,” or anything that sounds remotely similar. These are terms of endearment that should be saved for when you’re in a relationship, and only if your partner likes them. Before you know someone, those terms come off as patronizing and condescending.

3. The phone number thrust

You’re having a great conversation and you want to take it to the next level—a phone call or text exchange. (For the record, I don’t recommend doing this. Just arrange the date on the site/app. Things usually get lost in the shuffle once you move to text, and the date doesn’t happen.) You think, “I’ll just send her my number. No biggie.” She reads this as, “He’s lazy. Why can’t he reach out to me first?” or “Why can’t he be a gentleman and ask for my number? I don’t want to text him first!” Especially on Bumble, where the woman already has to make the first move, she doesn’t want to continue making all the first moves. My recommendation? Arrange the date online, and then a day before, write this: “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! In case you need to reach me, my number is 917-555-2928. What’s yours?” This is so much better than, “My number is 917-555-2928. Text me.” No thank you.

4. The Google malfunction

Funny—I thought we all used Google. Apparently some people don’t! Women get very frustrated when someone says, “Why don’t you pick a place?” or “What did you have in mind?” There’s a lot of pressure there. Do you want to meet at a nice bar, a dive, a coffee shop, a restaurant, or something else? Especially if you’re going to pay (a whole other discussion), women don’t want to pick something above your price range. If you don’t know the area, the best, and only, thing you should do would be to Google the area and give her three choices. Then, you can add, “But if you have something else in mind, let me know.” Nine times out of 10, she’ll be so appreciative that you made the extra effort that even if your choices aren’t great, she’ll be very quick to overlook that because you tried.

5. The flake-out

This goes for everyone. Don’t cancel at the last minute, don’t stand someone up (awful!), and don’t otherwise be flaky in any way. I get it. People have done it to you. But, don’t perpetuate this non-committal culture. I got a text from Chris, the co-host of my podcast, So, We Met Online, saying, “I had three dates lined up this weekend. Three dates canceled on me this weekend.” Remember that there’s a person at the other end, not just a bot or an iPhone screen. An actual person who made actual time to see you.

Stop doing these things, and your odds of getting dates will increase. That’s math. Use it to your advantage.

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I just read this article in Business Insider the other day called “Posing this simple question to a first date will help you decide if you have a future together.” As a dating coach who gives plenty of first-date advice, I was obviously curious to see what this “simple question” could be. I tell my clients to start a date with “How was your day?” to get the ball rolling and show that they want to hear what the other person has to say. Or, maybe it was going to be “What’s your ideal Sunday morning?” to see if you have similar lifestyle habits. Sadly, it was not. It was instead, “So how come someone as wonderful as you is still single?” I was appalled.

To start, this question is a back-handed compliment at its finest, with undertones of “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why does no one else want you?” This question immediately puts the person at the receiving end on the defensive, when that person has nothing at all to be defensive about. At best, the person can deflect this question by saying something like, “Aren’t you lucky that I am?” or “So I could meet people like you!” But this is just a way to move past the uncomfortable part. Remember that being single is not a crime. In fact, it’s a valid life choice that many people desire.

What is most bothersome is the word “still” here, as if one thinks you’ve been single since the day you came out of the womb. The reality is that we never know the other person’s story. Perhaps this person has been single for a month, after a breakup. Does that imply “still single”? Or, perhaps, god forbid, this person’s partner passed away. Does that imply “still single”? Or, maybe that person was taking some much-needed self-reflection time (which is too often overlooked) before dating again. Does that imply “still single”? Let’s dissociate the word “still” from “single” immediately. If someone is single and dating, then use the term “available,” not “still single.” Someone available can be an asset to you. Someone available connotes scarcity, that he or she won’t be available for long. Someone “still single” is deemed lagging or behind, and that is not the case at all.

Asking why someone is still single also implies that being in a relationship is the one and only best outcome for everyone. That’s simply not the case. I’d much rather be judged for being “still single” than in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill me or that makes me feel badly about myself. Yet, someone in people’s minds, relationship status overshadows single status every time. Let’s end that thinking.

When you go on a date, the focus should be on the present, not the past. For that reason, I discourage my clients from discussing past relationships on the first date. I want to make sure they have some rapport first before getting into the nitty gritty details of a divorce or break-up on a first date, or ever. Talking about prior relationships often brings up difficult feelings, usually negative, and takes the tone of the date down. Talk about things that make you happy, what you like to do, and who you are as a person… not who you used to be, and who you used to be with.

The author’s rationale is that someone will either hold him or herself accountable for the last relationship ending or not. That’s some deep stuff for a first date. I’d argue that you can learn just as much, if not more, about someone by asking “How was your day?” If someone goes into a tirade about his or her boss not being fair, that is very telling. Or, if someone is so excited because of a surprise Mexican food luncheon at work that day, that also gives us useful information.

So, do you want to know one surefire way to doom a first date? Ask “So how come someone as wonderful as you is still single?”

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I had a date several years ago with someone I had met on an online dating site. He was handsome, witty, and intelligent—the trifecta in my book—so we decided to meet for brunch.  (As a side note, I generally prefer to have a cocktail or coffee with someone on a first date, but, if we’re being honest here, I couldn’t resist the bacon biscuits… don’t tell my rabbi.)

When I walked in, I found my date immediately. He looked like his photos… so far, so good! (It’s a low bar, I know.) He stood up to greet me, but when he was standing, I noticed that he and I were looking directly into each other’s eyes. I’m only 5’1, and height is actually not something that I care about when searching for a partner. But, it wasn’t his height that bothered me… it was the fact that he had lied about it.

Most people would secretly judge the guy for lying and pretend like it didn’t happen… until they tell their friends later. I’m not most people. Given that I’m the honest (blunt?) person that I am, I blurted out, “You’re not 5’7!” He replied, “Well, I’m 5’5.” The next thing out of my mouth was, “Okay, you’re not 5’5 either, but why would you lie?” It’s not like I wasn’t going to find out!

Giving him the benefit of the doubt (remember, there’s bacon involved…), I stayed to have a surprisingly nice banter with him. At one point in the conversation when we were discussing our families, I innocently asked if he had any children of his own since I knew he had been married before. Before he responded, he awkwardly looked at me and said, “I have something I have to tell you.”  That’s never a good sign. He then proceeded to tell me that, instead of the 39 years old he listed on the dating site, he was actually… wait for it… 45.  He told me this because he has a 19-year-old son, and he figured I might be suspicious.

He had lied by six years, which is not a small number, presumably to get dates with women in their early 30s, as I was at the time. Perhaps he hadn’t been caught before, or perhaps no one was as up front about her distaste for liars as I was, but he sat there with his tail between his legs while I kindly but firmly told him that he was wasting my time.

Last year, the New York Times featured a story about a lovely-looking couple in the wedding section titled “Stretching the Truth to Find Love Online.” The article commented on how the groom, 5’5, had fudged his height to 5’8 to get more profile views. While I can’t agree with it, I, of course, am not blind to his rationale. Women often make an arbitrary cut-off of anything below 5’8… or 5’10… or 6’2. For men’s sake, I wish that being tall wasn’t equated with being attractive for so many. Would I be tempted to lie if I there were something about me that I knew many men weren’t inclined to go for? I’d be, well, lying if I said no. But, that doesn’t make it right.

People lie for all different reasons: they want to date younger or older, they have an aspirational weight that they like to believe they are, they want to appear more financially successful. When it comes down to it, the main reason people lie is a lack of confidence. If you’re 100% confident in who you are, then there’s no need to lie to get the date. You may go on fewer dates being the real you, but at least you’ll know that you haven’t hidden anything. Everyone has that “thing” that holds them back or is perceived as a red flag to others: height, weight, age, religion, race, level of education, etc. I would have encouraged the groom in the article to write to anyone he wanted, even if her height minimum was taller than his stature, but to be up front about it. He was trying to come up in people’s searches, when a lot of the success in online dating actually comes from who you pursue.

Here’s the thing: People prefer to cite a one-off story like the one of this couple and use it as a precedent to condone lying—and do it themselves—rather than the hundreds of stories like mine where the lie, or lies, far outweigh the desire to see the person behind the lies. A male client who I found out was lying about his age online—subtracting five years from his age of 67—rationalized his behavior by saying, “Everyone lies.” First, that’s not true. Second, if everyone went around robbing banks, does that give you the go-ahead to rob a bank, too? I don’t need to answer that.

I’m obviously thrilled that things worked out for this couple! In the end, though, lying, especially about something that will become apparent the minute someone meets you, generally only bites you in the you-know-what. While you and your date may get along, you got the date under false pretenses, and he or she may be wondering what else you lied about. And we know most people are online stalking us anyway, so it’s best to stick to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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I had a date several years ago with someone I had met on an online dating site. He was handsome, witty, and intelligent—the trifecta in my book—so we decided to meet for brunch. (As a side note, I generally prefer to have a cocktail with someone on a first date, and that’s what I advise my clients, but, if we’re being honest here, I couldn’t resist the bacon biscuits… don’t tell my rabbi.)

When I walked in, I found my date immediately. He looked like his photos… so far, so good! (It’s a low bar, I know.) He stood up to greet me, but when he was standing, I noticed that he and I were looking directly into each other’s eyes. I’m only 5’1, and height is actually not something that I care about when searching for a partner. But, it wasn’t his height that bothered me… it was the fact that he had lied about it.

Most people would secretly judge the guy for lying and pretend like it didn’t happen… until they tell their friends later. I’m not most people. Given that I’m the honest (blunt?) person that I am, I blurted out, “You’re not 5’7!” He replied, “Well, I’m 5’5.” The next thing out of my mouth was, “Okay, you’re not 5’5 either, but why would you lie?” It’s not like I wasn’t going to find out!

Giving him the benefit of the doubt (remember, there’s bacon involved…), I stayed to have a surprisingly nice banter with him. At one point in the conversation when we were discussing our families, I innocently asked if he had any children of his own since I knew he had been married before. Before he responded, he awkwardly looked at me and said, “I have something I have to tell you.” That’s never a good sign. He then proceeded to tell me that, instead of the 39 years old he listed on the dating site, he was actually… wait for it… 45. He told me this because he has a 19-year-old son, and he figured I might be suspicious.

He had lied by six years, which is not a small number, presumably to get dates with women in their early 30s, as I was. Perhaps he hadn’t been caught before, or perhaps no one was as up front about her distaste for liars as I was, but he sat there with his tail between his legs while I kindly but firmly told him that he was wasting my time.

Earlier this year, the New York Times featured a story about a lovely-looking couple in the wedding section titled “Stretching the Truth to Find Love Online.” The article commented on how the groom, 5’5, had fudged his height to 5’8 to get more profile views. While I can’t agree with it, I, of course, am not blind to his rationale. Women often make an arbitrary cut-off of anything below 5’8… or 5’10… or 6’2. For men’s sake, I wish that being tall wasn’t equated with being attractive for so many. Would I be tempted to lie if I there were something about me that I knew many men weren’t inclined to go for? I’d be, well, lying if I said no. But, that doesn’t make it right.

People lie for all different reasons: they want to date younger or older, they have an aspirational weight that they like to believe they are, they want to appear more financially successful. When it comes down to it, the main reason people lie is a lack of confidence. If you’re 100% confident in who you are, then there’s no need to lie to get the date. You may go on fewer dates being the real you, but at least you’ll know that you haven’t hidden anything. Everyone has that “thing” that holds them back or is perceived as a red flag to others: height, weight, age, religion, race, level of education, etc. I would have encouraged the groom in the article to write to anyone he wanted, even if her height minimum was taller than his stature, but to be up front about it. He was trying to come up in people’s searches, when a lot of the success in online dating actually comes from who you pursue.

Here’s the thing: People prefer to cite a one-off story like the one of this couple and use it as a precedent to condone lying—and do it themselves—rather than the hundreds of stories like mine where the lie, or lies, far outweigh the desire to see the person behind the lies. A male client who I found out was lying about his age online—subtracting five years from his age of 67—rationalized his behavior by saying, “Everyone lies.” First, that’s not true. Second, if everyone went around robbing banks, does that give you the go-ahead to rob a bank, too? I don’t need to answer that.

I’m thrilled that things worked out for this couple. In the end, though, lying, especially about something that will become apparent the minute someone meets you, generally only bites you in the behind. While you and your date may get along, you got the date under false pretenses, and he or she may be wondering what else you lied about. And we know most people are us online stalking us anyway, so it’s best to stick to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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If you’re Jewish, like I am, then you know that the most sacred time of the year, the High Holidays, is upon us.  (It’s a bit later than usual this year because of the extra month added to the calendar this year.  It’s somewhat like our Leap Year but much more intense!)  And if you’re not Jewish, the advice I’m about to give applies to you, too, of course… and you don’t even have to fast on Yom Kippur tomorrow!

The high holidays are all about welcoming in a sweet new year and then repenting for our sins, eating apples and honey and then fasting for a day.  It’s about starting on a new foot and then casting our bad deeds in the water at Tashlich, one small piece of stale rye crust at a time.  What does this have to do with dating?  I’d venture to say that those of us who are on the market have committed a sin or two in the field of dating.  True—the Ten Commandments don’t discuss the ethics of ending a bad date (I do, of course), but in this day and age, we’re more likely to commit a dating sin than bear false witness against our neighbor… whatever that even means.  Am I right?

So, let’s really think about it this year.  What dating sins have we committed, and can we rectify them?  Some common sins (this seems too strong of a word—let’s call them “dins” for dating + sins) are:

Din #1: The last-minute cancel and never reschedule

You have a date planned that you’re just feeling “meh” about. You’re tired. The last thing you want is to change out of your too-loose-to-show-other-people red sweatpants. So, you cancel. Do you propose another date?  No. Next time, cancel with the truth, or schedule another date at the time you’re canceling.

Din #2: Last-minute canceling via text

This is an addendum to Din #1. Text is never an appropriate way to cancel a date within, say, four hours of the date itself.  If you have someone’s number, please have the courtesy to call and make sure the person you’re canceling on gets the message (a voicemail counts).  If your date doesn’t respond, then you can follow up with a text. Your time is not more valuable than someone else’s.

Din #3: Shutting down in the first five minutes

Sometimes you walk into a date and just know that this person’s not for you. That’s okay. But, completely shutting down, making the other person feel like he or she is talking to a piece of broccoli is not the answer. Instead, change your mindset. Can I learn something from this person? Might this person be a business contact? Maybe a friend is a good fit for this person instead? If you’re going to be sitting there anyway, you might as well get something out of it.

Din #4: Deciding you’re not interested and never telling the other person (aka ghosting)

It’s okay if you’re not interested in someone anymore after a few dates. It happens. That’s what dating is all about.  But if you’ve gone on more than one date with a person and decided that he or she isn’t for you (of if you’ve gone on just one date but the other person expressed interest in meeting again), dropping off the face of the earth is one big din. It doesn’t require much, just a simple email or text saying something like, “Thanks again for a fun date/couple dates. Unfortunately, I’m just not feeling the chemistry/connection I’m looking for, but I wish you all the best!” It’s not a crime to lose interest in someone. But, the mature thing to do is to end it on a positive note. Plus, if you run into this person later, she won’t have to whisper behind your back that you’re the guy or gal who snubbed her.

No one’s perfect, and I’m sure we’ve all committed one or more of these dins, but let’s take a moment to think about how we can improve the dating world this year, one “din” at a time.

Feel free to use the comments section to add any other dating sins you’ve encountered.

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.

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According to the American Psychological Association, in Western cultures, more than 90 percent of people get married by the time they turn 50 years old.  40 to 50 percent of married couples in the US, however, get divorced.  And the divorce rate for second and third marriages is even higher.

According to the Witherspoon Institute, there are a number of factors that may contribute to a couple’s uncoupling: the age at which you get married, the age difference between spouses, marital history, family history of divorce, children (both had and desired), and sexual history.

Now, I’m not sharing this information to depress you or to make you think twice about getting married, or married again.  What I am saying is that if you are divorced and looking to date again, you’re in very good company.  What may have been considered taboo before is more commonplace now.  In fact, I often have clients who prefer meeting another divorcée so that there is a common life experience on which to build a bond.

If you were married for a very long time, as many of my clients have been, online dating can seem especially daunting.  Match.com was founded in the 1990s, as was JDate, so if you were looking for love before that, these sites were not yet an option.  Dating today is a lot different than it used to be.  As we learned from Aziz Ansari’s book Modern Romance, we used to look in our own radius for a partner.  Ansari references a 1932 University of Pennsylvania study that showed that one-third of married couples had previously lived within a five-block radius of each other.  And, if you remember, my parents met because they were next-door neighbors!

In these times of technology, dating is not necessarily better or worse—it’s just different.  If you’re recently (or not so recently) divorced and are looking to get back out there, then it’s important to have some perspective with online dating, so please keep these pointers in mind:

1. Remember that it’s just a date.

All you’re committing to when you agree to meet someone is a date… not marriage, not a ten-course meal. It’s just a date with some hopefully good conversation. I previously asked, “What’s the whole point of dating?” Feel free to read this as a refresher.

2. Be accurate and truthful.

Just as you want your date to have posted recent photos and told the truth about his or her age and height, your date wants the same of you.

3. Don’t create a fantasy in your mind.

Until you meet someone in person, there’s no way of knowing whether you have chemistry or not.  No number of emails or phone chats can change that, so get to the in-person meeting sooner rather than later.

4. Don’t badmouth online dating on an online dating site.

It’s one thing to be a bit nervous, but it’s another to project your cynicism on others.

5. People are just people.

Just because you’re meeting someone from an online dating site, that doesn’t make him or her any different from someone you meet “in real life.”  There are the same risks and the same rewards. Many people think someone online is scarier for some reason. I don’t know about you, but I encounter plenty of scary people on my own block… and they’re not from an online dating site!

In the end, it takes time to make a connection.  Don’t go in expecting to meet the next love of your life in a week or a month.  Just like anything important in life, it will take time.  You’re not alone.

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.

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It always starts the same: “I hate online dating.”  Or, “I quit online dating.”  Or, “I don’t believe in online dating.”

I, of course, have to follow up half-heartedly with “why?”  I say half-heartedly not because I’m an impatient person but because this is something, as a dating coach, I hear almost every day of my life.  I find myself treating this question like a record that just keeps skipping.  I ask the obligatory “why?” because it’s my job, and when a person makes a bold statement like that, he or she wants to elicit a response from me.  The reason is always the same—this person has a story to tell.

Here’s a gem from the other day:

My friend met her ex-husband on Match.com.  He is crazy!  She had to get a restraining order against him, and then he had to go to a facility to get help.  Can you believe that?! I would never do Match after that!

There is so much to unpack here.  Does this woman not hold her friend responsible for any of her actions?  She married the guy, for crying out loud!  It’s not Match.com’s fault the relationship didn’t work out.  It’s the two parties involved.

Let’s look at another one.  I was hosting an event recently, and one woman started the conversation the same way, with one of the three infamous lines above.  When I asked the “why?” she was waiting for, she said, “All three, yes three, guys I met online lied about their height!”  I can’t dispute the fact that lying is wrong, which I expressed to her, but is a guy lying about his height—oh sorry, three guys—enough to make you completely take yourself offline and out of the reach (no pun intended) of plenty of other eligible men?  I think not.

One client recently told me that she, in all of her excitement, told her brother-in-law that she had met someone online.  He then sent her, I kid you not, a story about a woman getting killed by someone she met online.  While there’s no disputing that this was a horrible scenario, my client luckily had a sense of humor about it, knowing that her brother-in-law meant well… kinda, I guess.  I told her to reply with no words but simply a link to one of the many published “success stories” that the sites tout.

The reason for my frustration here is not that I want everyone in the world to be online dating if they’re single.  It’s quite the opposite.  Whether to go online or not is a personal choice.  My beef is with people equating one story, whether good or bad, with their definition of what online dating is.  Everyone who knows anyone who has done online dating has heard both a horror story and a love story.  “My friend got stalked!”  “My sister met her husband online!”  “He met a woman on OkCupid who cheated on him.”  “We met when I was stationed in Germany… on Tinder!  And we got married last year.”  How about all of the in-between stories, the mediocre dates, the run-of-the-mill experiences, the two-date wonders?  No one ever talks about those.

Just to drive the point home, let’s say you’re food shopping.  You meet someone in Aisle 6 as you’re looking at the pasta, deciding whether the gluten-free rigatoni really could have the “same great taste” as the real thing.  (For the record, it can’t.)  It’s love at first sight, and you walk off into the sunset (aka the check-out line) in a state of carbohydrate bliss.  But then things aren’t so great.  You find out that this person can’t hold a job.  This person doesn’t even like pasta.  What?!  This person is not who you thought he or she was initially.  Ask yourself this: Would you stop going to that supermarket because one person wasn’t right for you?

It’s not the medium; it’s the person.  Online dating isn’t the cause of good or bad dates, good or bad relationships.  The two people involved are.  So, when people say to me that they have “quit” or “banned” online dating from their lives, that to me means that personal accountability isn’t something they have an abundance of.  In fact, perhaps this ban of the medium is a defense mechanism so as to avoid future rejection.  You can’t fail if you don’t play the game.

In the end, don’t let one person or experience dictate your future success.  If you have a bad date, so be it.  Don’t let that person prevent you, through your decision to quit online dating, from being happy.  No one should have that power over you… particularly another person you barely even know.  As a former economist, I can tell you that a sample size of one or two—or three, in the height case—is not statistically significant enough to draw any conclusions.  Far from it.

So, online date if you wish, have some experiences, and chalk it all up to another tool to meet new people.  But no one person could ever represent the entire world of online dating.

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.

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Client 1 (Alicia): “I joined Match.com two weeks ago, and only creeps and weirdos have emailed me!”

Erika: “That’s annoying! But you’re a great catch, so of course people are emailing you.”

Alicia: “Yeah, but they’re not the RIGHT people.”

Erika: “Well, has anyone appropriate sent you an email?”

Alicia: “One guy I guess. We’re emailing to trying to set up a date.”

Erika: “Tony, let me know how your three dates go this week. I’m excited to hear about them!”

Client 2 (Tony): “I definitely will. Do you have any dates lined up for me for next week yet?”

Client 3 (Marc): “Ugh. I went to this event and there were only like 10 women there. I felt like it was a sausage fest.”

Erika: “That’s too bad that the organizer let the ratios get so off-balance!”

Marc: “I know! It was ridiculous.”

Erika: “Well, did you like any of the 10 women who were there?”

Marc: “I don’t know.  I didn’t meet them.  I left when I saw that it was mostly men.”

I want to give Alicia, Tony, and Marc the same advice: Focus more on what you do have, not so much on what you don’t.  In Alicia’s case, while she’s getting a number of emails from “creeps and weirdos” (which is subjective to begin with), what she neglected to tell me initially was that one guy with potential actually wrote to her, and they’re in the date-planning phase. Win! And, I didn’t even get to the part where I would ask Alicia whether she’s reaching out to men on her own because she should be proactive about the process as well. Liken it to a job search. If you only interviewed for the positions and companies that reached out to you, then either you’d be going to a lot of worthless job interviews… or none at all. Being proactive is the key. In online dating, there’s no barrier to someone sending you a message. (There is on the dating apps, though. You have to have a “mutual match,” in that you’ve both chosen each other in order to be able to write.) Just think to yourself, “I’m flattered. Not for me. Delete.”

In Tony’s case, he already has three dates lined up! Why is he so worried about next week? He’s already assuming that this week’s three dates won’t live up to whatever standard he presumes is needed to convert to a second date.  Three dates in one week is nothing to stick your nose up at! Just see how they go, and then “worry” about next week.

Marc had a great opportunity to meet 10 new women, and he squandered it because all he could focus on was who was not at the party. These 10 women got dressed, traveled to the venue, and were ready and willing to meet new people. What did Marc do with this opportunity? He completely dismissed the whole event rather than taking advantage of talking to them and potentially hitting it off. I bet many men went home having met someone that night. Marc didn’t give himself the chance.

I’m not saying that you have to count your blessings or anything like that. Honestly, when people say to “remember all the blessings you have in life,” I often roll my eyes. Yes, I’m lucky.  Yes, I know it. What I’m talking about here is much more narrow. Focus on what’s actually in front of you, not what might be or what isn’t. As they say, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I’ll say a date in the scheduling phase or a first date that’s actually on the calendar is worth two who don’t bother to write, reply, or show up.

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