The burnt toast theory gained traction online last year, when a cabin panel on an Alaska Airlines flight was ripped off in midair. Out of every seat on the plane, only seven were empty…including the two next to the gaping hole in the aircraft. Some theorized the people who were assigned to be sitting there may have missed their flight — an annoyance for sure, but it could have actually saved their lives.

Even if you’re not avoiding something catastrophic like a car crash, these small hassles could be putting you in the right place at the right time. Say your “burnt toast” — which could, of course, be anything from a flat tire to spilled coffee — has you running late to a work meeting, but the person you meet in the elevator on the way to your office is someone who will have a big impact on the meeting. Your elevator small talk could result in something major.

To really sum it up: instead of getting flustered by minor inconveniences, you can look at them as possible blessings in disguise.

While this is a great attitude to have in life in general that will keep you from sweating the small stuff, the burnt toast theory can also be applied to online dating. Say you’ve been ghosted by someone you were talking to and thought there was potential with. Instead of worrying about “What did I do wrong?” or “How do I get them to respond to me?” the burnt toast theory gives you another perspective: “Maybe this person ghosting me is allowing me to better explore another connection.”

Another scenario: you have a first date and everything goes wrong — the bartender is rude, you spill wine on your lap, and end up waiting an hour for your table to be ready. Instead of looking at the situation as a total disaster, you could think instead, “Now I know how this person reacts when things don’t always go the right way.” And hopefully, they reacted well so you can look forward to a smoother second date. If not, you may have been saved from spending time pursuing a relationship with someone who can’t control their emotions.

The burnt toast theory isn’t really a theory at all — it’s a mindset shift. There will always be setbacks in life, and all we can really control is our reactions. Having the attitude that things will unfold as they’re meant to be, no matter how irritating or inconvenient it is in the moment, can save you a lot of frustration, especially in the unpredictable world of dating where very few things are in your total control.

So the next time you burn your toast, can’t find your keys, forget your lunch at home, or realize you need to find a bathroom ASAP because your shirt is on backward, think of how that disruption in your day could have been so much worse. And if your tardiness leads you to stand on the Starbucks line behind a cute fellow customer, maybe you’ll find all things happen for a reason.

The post Apply the Burnt Toast Theory to Online Dating — It May Save Your Sanity appeared first on .

Question I received:

“How do I politely tell the girl I’m seeing that she needs to lose weight?”

My, perhaps indelicate, response was this:

“‘How do I politely tell you that this is such a disgusting question?’

Unless you are her medical provider, you don’t.

If your interest in her is contingent on her weight, please end things. For the sake of both of you.

She has a mirror. She knows what she looks like. But she doesn’t have to lose weight. Someone will love her exactly as she is. Sadly, that someone is not you. And if she does lose weight, it will be her choice, not because the person she’s dating—the one who is supposed to like her for her—only wants her at a certain size.

We take people as they come. And assume that how they are now is how they will continue. Then we accept that or not.”

I know this is a sensitive topic for many, and as much as I wanted to be kinder in my response, especially since someone had felt comfortable enough asking me (albeit anonymously), I had a difficult time doing that. When we meet someone, that is the person they are. Can people change in the future? Sure. But to only be with someone contingent on them making a change that you deem acceptable is not a reason to be with someone.

This question reminded me of a different yet related question recently asking this: “He treats me SO amazingly but doesn’t have much direction in life (he’s 35). Do I wait and hope?”

And my response was similar:

“The person you meet now is the person you are going to get. If you are happy with him just as he is, continue dating him. But if you only want to date him contingent on waiting and hoping for something to happen that will likely not, please don’t.

The true question to ask yourself is this: Can I be happy with this person assuming they stay exactly as they are, direction in life or otherwise? If the answer is no, it’s a sign to reconsider the relationship. Hoping for someone to change is a gamble—one that’s unfair to both of you.”

There is, of course, some nuance here. As important as it is to believe that the person you meet is the person who they are going to be, what if changes occur while you are in a relationship—weight loss or gain, a newfound lack of motivation, or something else? As comfort sets into a relationship, sometimes changes can—and do—happen. At that point, there is room to discuss this perceived change with your partner. Rather than accusing someone of “getting worse,” instead, come from a place of curiosity. “Is everything okay? I noticed that you haven’t seemed as motivated lately when it comes to work? Do you want to talk about it?” Then you can have a more collaborative conversation rather than one where your partner feels that your interest is contingent on who they were before.

Everyone will have a set of “perceived flaws,” or subjective things that you would not prefer. Which ones can you live with and which ones can’t you? That’s up to you to decide. Because, in the end, while we can support our partners in their growth, any change must come from their own desire, not our demands.

The post How Do I Tell the Person I’m Dating to Change? appeared first on .

Question: “I have been dating someone for three months, and we’re exclusive (not seeing other people). I’m ready to define the relationship (DTR) but don’t want to lose him if he’s not ready. How to have the talk?”

My response:

“For better or for worse (and I hope better, of course!), that’s a risk you’re going to have to take. I don’t want you not having your needs fulfilled—in this case, it sounds like a label on the relationship—because you are afraid of the other person’s reaction.

If you are exclusive, why do you think the two of you are not on the same page about what I presume is labels?

Here’s how you might approach it: ‘I’ve really been enjoying everything we’ve been doing, and I love being exclusive with you. I just want to make sure we are on the same page about what that means to both of us. For me, I’d love to be able to call you my boyfriend/partner. What do you think?’ Simple, direct, and honest.

If he is, in fact, not ready, which, given your hesitancy, seems somewhat likely, then it’s up to you to decide how to move forward or not. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. Feel free to read that last sentence again. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. You’re sharing your life with this person, at least at this moment in time, so start with sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Lastly, I would prefer that the whole exclusivity/label conversation happens together so you don’t have this in-between period of being exclusive but wondering what the heck you are. It happens more often than one might think.”

That’s as far as I got with my response to the question, but I want to add that it’s actually quitecommon these days for couples to agree to exclusivity—no dating or sleeping with other people—without fully defining the relationship. Labels, dating app statuses, introductions to friends and family? All left in limbo. While some people are okay with ambiguity (often the person who is more reticent to commit), others find it leaves them feeling confused and wanting more.

When you do decide to have this conversation, I encourage you to cover all the bases:

• What does exclusivity mean to each of you? (It’s so important to be on the same page here.)
• Are you ready to fully take down or only pause your dating app profiles? (This seemingly small distinction makes a huge difference.)
• How would you like to introduce each other to friends or family? (“Boyfriend/girlfriend,” “partner,” something else?)
• What are your expectations for the relationship moving forward?

Leaving these topics unspoken can lead to unmet expectations, like in the original question. And if you’re not ready to dive into all of this yet, that’s okay, too. Wait until you feel ready. Assuming no one is putting pressure on you, take your time. I only want you to become exclusive with someone if you are already getting the behaviors you want, and now the titles just equal what you’re already doing. If, however, you’re feeling anxious about things, and you think that becoming exclusive or defining the relationship will quell your nerves and make you feel more stable, it won’t. Whatever behavior you’re getting before exclusivity or defining the relationship is the behavior you’re going to be getting after exclusivity, but probably amplified.

One more point that may provide some comfort: Nothing in life—or in relationships anyway—is irreversible. If you both decide to define the relationship and it doesn’t feel quite right later (even if that “later” is shortly after this conversation), you can always adjust course. Relationships are a process of discovery, and defining it is just one step.

The post Should We Have “The Talk”? When? How? appeared first on .

This is a question someone asked me recently. In my line of work as a dating coach, things come up in all areas of the early dating process—how to use the apps efficiently, what to do/say on a first date, when/what to text, how to build connection and chemistry, and, of course, how to navigate the more physically intimate topics too.

First, I’ll share my response, and then we can delve into it a bit further. Here’s what I said:

“I can’t answer that question. There is no moratorium on going out on other dates if you have sex with one person. It’s really up to you. Now, if you want to stop going on dates with other people, that’s your choice. But it does not mean the other person is making that choice. And if you want to bring up exclusivity/a relationship with the person you’ve chosen to have sex with, that’s also a choice. Basically, do what feels right for you.”

In other words, choosing to be intimate with someone—in this case sexually—does not preclude you from dating other people if you have not defined the terms of the relationship, particularly exclusivity.

But, I would ask yourself a few questions:

• Would I feel guilty if I went on other dates? Why?
• Would I feel more comfortable only sleeping with one person?
• How would I feel if I found out the person I’m sleeping with is dating or sleeping with other people?
• Am I looking for something casual, or do I want something more serious with this person?
• Do I feel comfortable talking about physical intimacy with this person?
• Do I feel comfortable initiating a conversation about exclusivity or defining the relationship with this person?
• If I stop seeing other people, am I doing so because I genuinely want to, or because I think it will influence their feelings toward me?

Truly take a moment to think through these questions because the last thing you want is to harbor resentment, either in yourself for having sex before you were in a relationship, or in the other person for continuing to date others.

Most important here is the emphasis on self-reflection and personal boundaries before imposing expectations on yourself or another person. It’s so important in these early stages of dating (though, from the question, I don’t know how long these people have known each other), where assumptions can often lead to disappointment.

It’s also worth considering that everyone brings their own experiences, values, and expectations into dating and intimacy. For some person, sex is a deeply emotional act tied to commitment, while for others, it’s a natural, and not especially meaningful, part of exploring compatibility with someone new. Neither is right or wrong—it’s just a matter of seeing what feels authentic to you.

Ultimately, sexual intimacy doesn’t inherently change the status of a relationship unless it’s explicitly discussed. Having sex with someone may deepen the relationship in some ways, since hormones are now involved, but in others, unless stated, nothing will change, other than the addition of these activities to your repertoire.

I know the topic of sex can often feel like an unspoken turning point in a relationship, but remember that without clear communication, it’s just that—unspoken.

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The Paradox of Choice

One of the most significant changes in modern dating is the sheer volume of choices available. With countless dating sites, you can meet people from all walks of life with a few taps on your phone. However, this abundance of choice often leads to the paradox of choice—where having too many options makes it harder to make a decision and leaves people less satisfied with the decisions they ultimately make. (The concept was popularized by psychologist Barry Schwartz, if you want to read more on it.)

Many people find themselves endlessly swiping, always wondering if the next person might be a better match. My advice? Set some parameters for yourself. Decide on the qualities that are truly important to you and focus on those. Remember, no one is perfect, and sometimes, the pursuit of perfection can be the enemy of the good.

Authenticity is Key

In the era of curated Instagram feeds and filtered selfies, authenticity can sometimes feel like a rare commodity. However, being genuine is more important than ever. When crafting your dating profile, be honest about who you are and what you’re looking for. Avoid clichés like “I love to travel” or “I’m looking for my partner in crime.” Instead, share specific details that make you unique.

For example, instead of saying you love to travel, mention your favorite travel destination and why you loved it. If you’re passionate about cooking, talk about your signature dish. These details not only make your profile stand out but also give potential matches something to connect with.

Communication is Everything

Good communication is the foundation of any successful relationship, and this starts from your very first interaction. When you match with someone, take the time to send a thoughtful message. I know it might seem overly time-consuming, but it’ll be worth it. Mention something from their profile that caught your eye or ask a question that invites a meaningful response.

Once you’re in a conversation, be present and engaged. Listen (well, through your screen) actively and respond thoughtfully. And ask questions back. (This is the bane of many online daters’ existence… people who reply but don’t engage.) Avoid falling into the trap of texting endlessly without ever meeting in person. While texting is convenient, it can’t replace the connection that comes from face-to-face interaction.

Navigating the First Date

The first date is your chance to see if the online connection translates into real-life chemistry. Choose a location that’s conducive to conversation, like a coffee shop or a casual restaurant. Keep the date relatively short—an hour or two is perfect for a first meeting. This way, if you don’t click, it’s not a significant time commitment. And if you do click, you’ll have something to look forward to next time.

Remember to approach the first date with an open mind and a positive attitude. It’s normal to feel nervous, but try to focus on getting to know the person rather than impressing them. Authenticity and genuine curiosity go a long way.

Handling Rejection

Rejection is an inevitable part of dating, but it doesn’t have to be devastating. If someone isn’t interested, it’s not a reflection of your worth. It simply means they’re not the right match for you. Take it in stride and keep moving forward. Every “no” brings you one step closer to the right “yes.”

The Role of Technology

Technology has undoubtedly made it easier to meet people, but it’s important not to let it replace genuine human connection. Use dating apps as a tool to facilitate meeting new people, but don’t rely on them exclusively. Attend social events, join clubs or groups that interest you, and be open to meeting people in your daily life.

Self-Care and Patience

Finally, remember that finding the right partner takes time. Don’t rush the process or settle for less than you deserve. Take care of yourself, pursue your passions, and maintain a positive outlook. The right person will come along when the time is right.

Dating these days can be challenging, sure, but it’s also full of opportunities for growth and connection. By staying true to yourself, communicating effectively, and embracing the journey, you can navigate the world of modern dating with confidence and optimism.

The post Navigating Modern Dating: Tips and Realities appeared first on .

So, what exactly is a situationship, and how do you navigate one?

1. What Is a Situationship?

A situationship is that in-between stage where you’re more than just friends but not quite in a committed relationship. (The name is just as ambiguous as the actual thing.) You might be spending time together, going on dates, and having physical intimacy, but there’s no official label. It’s a relationship without the definition—a “ship” without the anchor.

2. The Appeal of Situationships

Why do situationships happen? To start, they can be low-pressure and convenient. In a world where everyone seems to be juggling careers, family, social lives, and personal growth, a situationship offers the perks of a relationship without the demands. You get companionship, intimacy, and someone to spend time with—without the serious talks or long-term planning. For some people, this is exactly what they’re looking for. But for others (dare I say, many), it’s a temporary state that leaves them yearning for clarity and commitment.

3. Signs You’re in a Situationship

• Lack of labels: You haven’t defined the relationship, and there’s no talk of exclusivity.
• Inconsistent communication: You might go days or even weeks without hearing from someone, only to pick up right where you left off with no reference to the time lapse.
• No future plans: Conversations about the future are vague or nonexistent. You’re living in the moment, which seems like a good thing for a short while, but you’re not sure where it’s going.
• Emotional ambiguity: You feel like you’re walking on eggshells when it comes to discussing feelings. There’s a sense of uncertainty about how the person you’re dating feels about you.

4. The Emotional Toll of a Situationship

While situationships can be enjoyable, they can also take a toll on your emotional well-being, especially if you’re hoping for more. The uncertainty can lead to anxiety, frustration, and self-doubt. You might find yourself constantly analyzing every interaction, trying to decipher what they’re thinking or where things are headed. If it’s causing more stress than happiness (as in, are you miserable or anxious more than 50% of the time… or are you only happy when you’re physically together?), it might be time to reassess what you need from this connection.

5. How to Navigate a Situationship

If you’re in a situationship and feeling uncertain, here are some steps to take:

• Know your worth: First and foremost, remember that you deserve clarity and respect in any relationship. Don’t settle for less just because you’re afraid of losing the connection. You don’t have to live in the status quo.
• Communicate openly: If you’re looking for more than what the situationship is offering, it’s crucial to communicate your feelings and expectations. Have a candid conversation about where you stand and where you’d like things to go. And be okay with any response.
• Be honest with yourself: Ask yourself if this situationship is truly fulfilling your needs. If not, it might be time to move on and seek a relationship that aligns with your desires. I promise, you’ll be okay.

6. When to Walk Away

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away. It’s not easy, especially if you’ve developed real feelings, but staying in a state of uncertainty can prevent you from finding the committed relationship you truly want. As a note—an important note—walking away doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Quite the opposite, in fact. It means you’ve recognized your worth and chosen to prioritize your happiness. Being with someone isn’t the end goal. Being happy is.

7. Turning a Situationship into a Relationship

If you’re hoping to turn a situationship into a more committed relationship, you have to have an honest conversation about your intentions. Be clear about what you want, and give the other person the opportunity to express their feelings. While there’s no guarantee that they’ll want the same thing (in fact, chances are slim or else it likely would have turned into something before), being upfront can help you both determine if you’re on the same page.

Some final thoughts:

Situationships are a reflection of two things: our current dating culture (fluid, fast-paced, and often undefined) and some people’s interest in keeping someone around because something feels better than nothing… and the other person’s acceptance of that.

The post Situationships… How and Why? appeared first on .

I recently shared a great example of how to ask someone out on a second date. After the first date with someone new, the guy (in this case) messaged my client (a woman) starting with a quick inside joke about the meeting: “Saw you finally, albeit only after you found me,” referencing who spotted whom first.

He continued, “Thanks again for a lovely evening. It was a pleasure to meet you and start to get to know you a little bit. I’m definitely excited to see you again and learn more. Perhaps Wednesday or next Sunday if your schedule permits.”

Let me tell you why this is a perfect first date follow-up:

1. It does a great job of telling the person that he had a great time on the date and is very interested in meeting again.
2. The message gives a few options for dates to get together again but with flexibility.
3. It’s short and to the point.
4. It allows an opt-out in case my client didn’t want to see him again.

Direct and honest communication is such an overlooked yet simple tactic in dating. This message had no ambiguity (leaving the other person wondering, “Did he like me?” or “Does he want to see me again?”) but also didn’t force a second date — it expressed the person’s intentions and hopes but left room for a reply or other ideas.

Another great way to text someone about a second date is by coming up with a suggestion based on something you found to have in common. If it turns out that they’re an air hockey champ, maybe you suggest heading to the arcade for a face-off.

Another client recently asked me, “One place where I struggle is where/when/how to ask for a second date. Do I do it during the first date or over text later?” And here is how I answered: “Over text later. Say at the end of the date, ‘I had a great time and would love to do it again. I’ll be in touch tomorrow.’ It gives her a night to think about it, and then it makes you a man of your word when you actually get in touch tomorrow. Win-win.”

But remember that no matter how well-crafted a message asking someone out on a second date is, sometimes the sparks just aren’t there. When this happens, it’s important to let the other person know and not ghost, or ignore, them. You can write a simple message like, “It was nice meeting you the other night, but unfortunately, I didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for. I wish you all the best.” Like the second date ask, it’s direct and honest, leaving no room for speculation or “What did they mean by that?”

Of course, I’m hoping these two go on that second date — in fact, I want everyone to go on the second date if you’re even on the fence about it. First dates can be nerve-wracking, and a second date might be where you both relax a little bit more and go beyond surface-level conversations, getting to know each other better. The outcomes of a second date are undeniably win-win: you either are pleasantly surprised at how well it goes, or you confirm for yourself 100% that this person is not a match. Who knows? You might be figuring out the best message to plan a third date.

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To avoid ghosting, stalls in conversation, and some of the other pitfalls, I’ve created these templates/scripts for common situations we’ve all come across. They work because they hold the other person accountable while pushing the relationship forward — or make it very clear that it’s time to move on.

The line: “Thanks so much for a nice time [the other night]. Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for, but I wish you nothing but the best!”

When to use: After a first date where the other person asks you out again, but you don’t want to go.

No one likes to be ghosted (when someone ignores or drops off from the other person without any explanation), so it’s always best to be straightforward when you didn’t feel a connection and have no intention of seeing someone again. This template lets the other person know where you stand while still being kind and allows them to feel open to pursue other options. Be aware that some people don’t always take the news well. Still, it’s better than leaving someone wondering, “Are we going to see each other again?”

The line: “I just wanted to check back in and see if you still wanted to connect.”

When to use: After you’ve had a solid back-and-forth conversation on the app but the other person drops off.

There’s nothing more frustrating than a conversation seemingly going well only for the other person to disappear into thin air. This template allows you to follow up with the person without appearing overly eager, disappointed, or frustrated. After all, life happens — maybe the person had a busy work week or personal matters to attend to, meaning dating apps took a temporary backseat. This message can reopen the conversation. However, if they still don’t respond, you have your signal to move on.

The line: “Hey! I really enjoyed chatting with you, but I can’t tell from our messages if you’re looking to meet (again). Let me know your thoughts.”

When to use: After a first date when you would like to see the other person again, but the other person continues to text as if interested with no indication of meeting again.

It’s a common annoyance for people using dating sites: they want a relationship, not a pen pal. With this line, you’re putting the ball in their court: would you like to go on another date or not? The right connection should be excited to see you again — and make time in their schedule to do so.

The line: “It’s been good. I’ve met some interesting people! Just looking for the right connection.”

When to use: When someone asks, “How’s this app treating you?” or “How’s online dating going for you?”

It’s a common question during the early stages of messaging (though I wish it weren’t), but don’t use it as an invitation to complain about the bad first dates or the people who clearly were using pictures from 10 years ago on their profiles. For now, keep it positive. This message answers the question while looking ahead by clearly stating what you’re hoping to get out of the experience. Hopefully, the other person is looking for the same.

The line: “It’s a date.”

When to use: Once you’ve finalized the date, time, and location of your meeting.

It’s short, simple, sweet, and puts a nice punctuation mark on your conversation about meeting in person. “It’s a date” also reiterates your goal: a first date where you get to know each other better and see if there’s a connection. I also recommend messaging or texting the day before/the morning of the date to confirm that you’re still on and exchanging phone numbers in case plans suddenly change.

It’s not always easy to communicate in the digital world, and all of us have misunderstood the tone behind a text or read an email without a hint of sarcasm where it was intended by the sender. That’s why these messages are helpful — they’re direct to help you get the answers you need without becoming aggressive or possessive. Having these lines in your back pocket will come in handy, saving you the stress of composing the perfect message and moving the relationship where it needs to go… even if that place is nowhere. It’s better to know, right?

The post 5 Scripts to Have in Your Online Dating Arsenal — When to Use Them and Why They Work appeared first on .

What you write in your online dating profile requires careful thought — after all, it’s giving the reader (a potential match) the first impression of who you are and what you’re all about. But photos require an equal amount of attention, if not more.

People often have short attention spans on dating apps and websites. If it’s not immediately apparent who they’re looking at and deciding whether to talk to, they’ll likely move on to the next option. That’s why picking photos is so important — just one game of “Which person in the photo is it?” or apparent filter and they might give up.

Read on for five photos that should stay on your camera roll but off your dating profile:

1. Group Shots

I’ve heard people say that they use group shots in their profiles because they think it makes them look social. However, it quickly becomes a “Who am I looking at?” scenario, which can be frustrating. Even if someone finds you, group photos leave you open to comparisons — or, in the worst case, “Is your friend single?” Your dating profile is all about you, not your friends, so keep it focused on solo snaps.

2. Bathroom and Mirror Selfies

I get it — you just got your hair done, you’re feeling great, and the lighting is perfect. But no matter how good you look, there’s nothing that dampens the mood like a toilet in the background of a photo. (Nobody wants to think about that.) Mirror and bathroom selfies look immature and can be taken as vanity. And please, I’m begging you, no gym mirror selfies with your shirt off.

3. Snaps with Pets that Aren’t Yours

So your friend has an adorable Golden Retriever? That’s great. But if Fluffy isn’t yours, he shouldn’t be in your profile. It can be confusing when you have pictures with a dog and your profile reads “no pets.” Plus, it can stop a conversation in its tracks. When someone messages you with a question about the pet, then you share that it’s not yours, they might feel like they don’t know where to take the conversation since they thought they found something you have in common. But a selfie with a giraffe? Definitely profile-worthy.

4. Filtered or Heavily Edited Photos

Rule of thumb: your photos should look like you. Filters or edited pictures may get you more attention, but at the end of the day, they just lead to an uncomfortable first meeting when someone leaves feeling deceived. That also means anything that obstructs your face — sunglasses, masks, and hats, for example — should only make an appearance or two in your photos rather than all of them. Don’t hide yourself, either behind a filter or a hat.

5. Photos with Children

While you should definitely be truthful in your profile about having children, I wouldn’t recommend including them in your photos — it’s best to keep their images private. Furthermore, don’t include photographs of kids that aren’t yours, even if they’re family. In addition to sending mixed messages, I’m going to guess their parents won’t be thrilled to find their likeness on a dating app.

Like it or not, people are looking at your photos when deciding if they should connect online. I recommend that your first photo to be a clear profile shot of you smiling. You should also include a full-body photo as well as some pictures that show your interests — traveling, cooking, hiking, dancing — which make great conversation starters, or “message bait.”

At the end of the day, your photos are an extension of your profile, showing who you are and what you like to do. People want to know who they’re talking to, and anything that gets in the way of that might result in a left swipe.

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I was on the phone earlier today with a client who, unfortunately, is fresh out of a relationship and going through a breakup. She asked me, in no uncertain terms, “Can I speed up the healing process? How can I just get over this?” I immediately thought about a former version of myself. The 10-year-ago version where I was sitting on the couch in my therapist’s office asking her the exact same question. And she said some version of this to me: “The only way out is through.” While it may sound cliché, she was right.

As I say frequently (and in articles in the past, which is why I want to address it again), I believe that there are two main components to getting over someone—time and, eventually, someone new. Sadly, many people skip the “time” portion and jump right to the part where they want to meet someone else, often to fill a void and not feel the pain. 

This same client, the one I was talking to today, had even suggested getting back on the dating sites before the breakup (she saw it coming) in order to soften the blow. Not only would that be unethical—or at least awful karma—but it would also do her a disservice not to be able to sit in her feelings and properly mourn the relationship. Giving yourself permission to grieve is not only okay, but it’s encouraged. This means allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come with the end of a relationship. Whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion, it’s important to acknowledge and process these feelings.

I also understand that loneliness can set in after a relationship ends, especially if you lived together or were spending a significant amount of time together. Try to use that time to your advantage—reconnect with friends, find hobbies that make you happy (for me, it was learning to play mahjong and performing in live storytelling shows), and generally give yourself the time and space to become a complete person again. We all lose ourselves a bit in a relationship, so using this time to learn about yourself and grow will not only help in the healing process but will eventually make you a better partner in the future.

I remember once, maybe six months after that breakup that brought me to the therapist’s office, I was walking down the street with my friend Betsy, and I was wearing hot pink sequined sneakers (ones my ex did not like, mind you). She looked at me and said, “You’re back!” I still think about that. I needed that time to become myself again. 

During the “time” component of a breakup, it’s also important to shield yourself from the pain of seeing your ex on social media, perhaps enjoying life (though we know people curate what they post) and potentially with someone else. It will feel really hard in the moment, but like ripping off a Band-Aid, the best way to heal will be to block this person on all social media platforms. I know the drive to online stalk will be there—I get it, I’ve done it—but often, ignorance is, in fact, bliss. 

Then, when you feel ready, or at least curious about other people again, then it’s time to enact the “someone else” portion of the process. Maybe that means going back onto Bumble. Maybe it means going to a speed-dating event. Or maybe it just means saying hi to a new person you wouldn’t have before. Or going to an event that might be slightly out of your comfort zone. 

There’s no silver bullet or shortcut to getting over someone. And there’s no right or wrong amount of time it takes. Feelings are not like light switches—you can’t just turn them on or off. They linger… sometimes longer than we might like. But, as I told my client, this too shall pass. Not now, not tomorrow, but one day. And I’ll be there for her in the process. 

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