What you write in your online dating profile requires careful thought — after all, it’s giving the reader (a potential match) the first impression of who you are and what you’re all about. But photos require an equal amount of attention, if not more.

People often have short attention spans on dating apps and websites. If it’s not immediately apparent who they’re looking at and deciding whether to talk to, they’ll likely move on to the next option. That’s why picking photos is so important — just one game of “Which person in the photo is it?” or apparent filter and they might give up.

Read on for five photos that should stay on your camera roll but off your dating profile:

1. Group Shots

I’ve heard people say that they use group shots in their profiles because they think it makes them look social. However, it quickly becomes a “Who am I looking at?” scenario, which can be frustrating. Even if someone finds you, group photos leave you open to comparisons — or, in the worst case, “Is your friend single?” Your dating profile is all about you, not your friends, so keep it focused on solo snaps.

2. Bathroom and Mirror Selfies

I get it — you just got your hair done, you’re feeling great, and the lighting is perfect. But no matter how good you look, there’s nothing that dampens the mood like a toilet in the background of a photo. (Nobody wants to think about that.) Mirror and bathroom selfies look immature and can be taken as vanity. And please, I’m begging you, no gym mirror selfies with your shirt off.

3. Snaps with Pets that Aren’t Yours

So your friend has an adorable Golden Retriever? That’s great. But if Fluffy isn’t yours, he shouldn’t be in your profile. It can be confusing when you have pictures with a dog and your profile reads “no pets.” Plus, it can stop a conversation in its tracks. When someone messages you with a question about the pet, then you share that it’s not yours, they might feel like they don’t know where to take the conversation since they thought they found something you have in common. But a selfie with a giraffe? Definitely profile-worthy.

4. Filtered or Heavily Edited Photos

Rule of thumb: your photos should look like you. Filters or edited pictures may get you more attention, but at the end of the day, they just lead to an uncomfortable first meeting when someone leaves feeling deceived. That also means anything that obstructs your face — sunglasses, masks, and hats, for example — should only make an appearance or two in your photos rather than all of them. Don’t hide yourself, either behind a filter or a hat.

5. Photos with Children

While you should definitely be truthful in your profile about having children, I wouldn’t recommend including them in your photos — it’s best to keep their images private. Furthermore, don’t include photographs of kids that aren’t yours, even if they’re family. In addition to sending mixed messages, I’m going to guess their parents won’t be thrilled to find their likeness on a dating app.

Like it or not, people are looking at your photos when deciding if they should connect online. I recommend that your first photo to be a clear profile shot of you smiling. You should also include a full-body photo as well as some pictures that show your interests — traveling, cooking, hiking, dancing — which make great conversation starters, or “message bait.”

At the end of the day, your photos are an extension of your profile, showing who you are and what you like to do. People want to know who they’re talking to, and anything that gets in the way of that might result in a left swipe.

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This guy clearly hadn’t looked at his own profile in a while, and that was to the detriment of everyone.  

There are a few reasons why keeping your profile up to date is important. First, outdated references can make for awkward moments. What if this was the scenario above instead? You see someone talk about their dog and you’re also a big pet lover, so you send a message asking specifically about the pup… only to hear that the dog died months ago. I can’t think of a worse start to a conversation. Or that it was a neighbor’s dog… from your apartment building five years ago. 

As another example, seeing an outdated COVID reference (bragging about your ability to procure a roll of toilet paper, for example) — or even a movie that came out six years ago — can make the person reading the bio wonder if there’s even a person on the other side of the screen. If they’re not updating their profile, maybe they’re not checking the account at all? And if they’re not checking their account, is there even a point in sending a message? Who knows what you could both be missing when that happens?

Every three to six months, give your profile a quick read and refresh. Take out references to holidays that have passed (it seems random to bring up your New Year’s resolutions in July), trips you had planned, or any other obsolete information. Replace it with something new — the bucket list vacation you did, the cooking class you completed, the cat you recently adopted, or the book club you just joined — to make sure that the person reading your profile is getting to know the you from today rather than five years ago.

In addition to updating your bio, also take a look at your photos. Does it still look like you, or did your appearance shift? Maybe you got a major hair makeover or your body changed? Again, your profile should sound like — and look like — you today. So if you’ve shaved a beard or dyed your hair blonde in recent months, your photos should reflect that. Your profile deserves frequent updates to keep it in top shape — and increase your chances of getting messages that turn into dates.

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However, finding love might be worth investing in a premium service. According to a new study by Pew Research, those who have paid to use dating sites or apps report more positive experiences than those who have never paid. Roughly 6-in-10 paid users (58%) report positive experiences with dating sites or apps compared to only half of the users who have never paid for a service.

The report adds that 35% of Americans who have ever used a dating app have paid for one at some point, which includes those who have paid for extra features on a platform they already were using. This share is greater among online dating users with upper incomes (45%) than for those with middle (36%) or lower incomes (28%).

No two people’s experiences with online dating are the same, but there are some plus sides to springing for a paid website or app. Perhaps the biggest and most obvious pro is that paying for a dating platform often rules out matches who aren’t serious about finding a committed relationship. While plenty of people use free apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge more for amusement than actually going in with the intention of finding a connection (which I would not recommend, of course!), that tends not to happen quote as much when you’re putting in the money along with the effort. 

Some free apps offer a premium service at a cost, which allows paid users perks like more time to message someone, unlimited swipes, the ability to see who liked you, or getting more information such as when a person was last active on the app. All of these elements could give you that extra chance of forging a connection or simply putting yourself on more people’s radars. 

In other cases, you’re paying for the ability to filter out people who won’t be a match, which can save you valuable time in your search efforts. For example, if you definitely want children, there’s no point scrolling through hundreds of people who know they don’t.

Others may choose to invest their money in a different way. Instead of paying for an online dating platform, you can get coaching from an expert to help you in the specific areas where you’re struggling, whether that’s navigating the transition from texting to an in-person date or giving your profile a complete makeover. 

If you can’t fit a paid dating platform into your budget, don’t fret — plenty of people are finding love on free apps and websites every day… and there are a ton of options to choose from. It’s also important to remember that entering your credit card number doesn’t automatically mean the love of your life will manifest before your eyes. Online dating — paid or free — requires efforts on your part, from updating your profile with recent photos to spending time writing your bio to crafting an interesting opening message to send a potential match. In this case, effort will always outweigh the number in your bank account. 

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On Valentine’s Day, many people reflect on the fact that they are single and don’t necessarily want to be. (Side note: Being single is MORE than okay… sprawl out in bed, watch what you want on TV, and revel in the fact that your life is your own. Enjoy it!)

But, should you want to meet someone, while we obviously can’t control chemistry or the longevity of relationships, we can certainly control our approach to finding someone. Here are five tips on why you might be single and how you can change that:

1. You’re not using online dating sites effectively. 

Almost daily, clients and friends alike complain about being single, yet when I ask what they’re doing to change that, I’m often met with a shrug, a blush, or a response of “not much, I guess.” Dating takes work! We can’t rely on serendipity. We can count on hard work… and even then, there’s no guarantee. What does “work” mean as it relates to dating? Once you have a profile up, you have to reach out to people… and then actually set up the dates. Swiping endlessly with no conversation will get you nowhere.

2. You have unrealistic expectations of how you should feel on/after a first date (and too strict criteria for going on a second).

I know everyone wants the fireworks or the elusive “spark,” but when nerves come into play, it’s often difficult to gauge how well you might get along with someone. The first date should not determine whether you can spend your future with someone. Rather, it should simply be a chance to see if you have some rapport. And the criteria I advise for a second date is, “Do I want to have one more conversation with this person?” If the answer is yes, or even maybe, then I encourage a second date. Take some pressure off of yourself to “feel it” immediately. 

3. You’re not holding yourself to the standard of the person you’re looking for.

Are you looking for someone fit and active? Then it will help to be fit and active yourself. Someone who reads 15 books a year? Then you better get cracking on that reading list! I see clients all the time who have a wish-list, but they don’t look inward to see what they have to offer to a partner. Ask yourself, “Would I want to date me?” If the answer is no, then it’s time for some self-improvement.

4. You complain about dating a lot.

Yes, dating can be frustrating. But talking about how frustrating it is all the time is not a turn-on, especially on a date itself. Try to stay positive, and if you can’t, take a hiatus from dating until you can.

5. You’re not putting your best foot forward.

I meet with many clients in person. When I see how they present themselves, I sometimes ask, “Is that what you’d wear on a date?” or “Would you be chewing gum like that on a date?” (I definitely practice tough love.) I’m often met with, “No — I knew I wasn’t planning on seeing anyone today I’m trying to impress.” While perhaps true, we are always presenting ourselves… at a coffee shop, at the gym, or on a date. Remember this: first impressions can’t be redone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, whether single, coupled, or something in between, just know that I’m in your corner.

Love,

Erika

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So many people come to me asking why Bumble (or insert your favorite online dating app) “isn’t working.” What does “working” mean anyway? Some people think it means they should end up in a long-term relationship. While that’s a lovely goal, a dating app is simply the tool you’re using to get to the first date. Then the ball is in your court. “Working,” to me, means that you’re getting more attention, you’re getting more right swipes and matches, and you’re converting more messages into dates.

Are you perhaps doing something that’s not aligned to make the dating app “work” for you? Let’s look at the 6 biggest mistakes you may be making… and how to fix them:

1. Too many photos

Tinder allows nine photos. Bumble allows six. I recommend using five instead. Less is more. Don’t let someone find the one they don’t like and swipe left because of it. (Hinge is the only app that requires six photos. Keep in mind that one can be a short video, which is encouraged. Not “Hello, I’m Erika” but rather a video showing you doing something interesting. I once used one of me at trapeze class, which worked well because it generated conversation… and questions of whether I was planning to join the circus.)

2. No profile

Write something. Something is (usually) better than nothing. A length of 20 to 40 words is what I recommend. The short length is because people have shorter and shorter attention spans, and you don’t want them to skip you just because they don’t want to take time to read what you wrote. Ideas for the profile: Things you’re good at, things you like, where you’re from, shows you’re binge-watching, a few pieces of factual information, etc. Anything interesting provides “message bait,” or something to write to you about.

3. Connecting to Snapchat, Instagram, or Spotify

This is TMI! Don’t give people the chance to dig through everything and dismiss you because of it. Don’t connect.

4. Shirtless selfies and gym selfies

If you’re a man looking for a woman, do not—I repeat DO NOT—post shirtless or gym selfies. Ever. Even if you’re ripped. Trust me. Fish pictures are often no better. If you’re trying to show that you live a healthy lifestyle, then people will still be able to tell by how you look… outside the gym. Most women automatically swipe left on gym shots.

5. Being too generic

Don’t try to appeal to everyone. Rather, be yourself, and the right people will be interested.

Here are some samples of dating app profiles that WORK:

Entrepreneur, NYT crossword puzzler, ramen enthusiast; lover of quick wit, single-malt scotch, and my dog. Where’s the best old fashioned in town?

Thoughtful weirdos to the front, please. Tell me what you’re reading. Bonus points if the answer is yes to this important question: Do you like blue cheese?

English teacher turned urban planner. Drinker of chai over coffee. Fan of live indie music. Endearingly nerdy history buff. Talented at a good number of things, but whistling isn’t one of them. 

I used to design submarines. Then one stormy night I met my right brain. We shared some laughs, fell in love, and I became a professional screenwriter… I’m open-minded, stable, fit, and kind. Usually chill unless in a dance battle.

Final tip on the profile as a bonus: End with a question. You’ve just made it so much easier for people to have something to say in their first message to you.

6. Sending boring messages

When it comes to messages, the key is to be short, sweet, and ask a question. If the other person has written something interesting, then you simply need to ask about it. But, what if there is no message bait?

Just remember that anything is better than “Hey,” “What’s up?” or “How’s your day?” These lead to banal conversations… or none at all. Examples for when someone provides no bait:

1. If you had nothing to do today, would you rather binge-watch something or go for a hike… or both?
2. Best place for [insert favorite food or drink] in the city?
3. Early bird or night owl? Just curious.

Let the dating apps work for you. Fix these six problems today. You should see a difference immediately.

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I Get By With a Little Help From My… Dating Coach

Whenever I start working with new clients, I first ask if they are currently on an online dating site, and, if so, which one(s). I then ask if I can see the profile that they are currently using. Part of the reason I ask is that I want to see their individual writing styles, and the other part is that it gives me a sense of the “before” profile, or that one that’s ostensibly not working the way they want it to.

Today, I’d like to share a few before and after profiles to show what a tweak, or even a whole rewrite, can do for your dating life:

Before (Match.com)

Hi, thanks for reading this. I am divorced and a single Mom to an incredible daughter who lives with me. After a fulfilling corporate career, I now fill my days with family, friends, tennis, working out, and volunteering. I am interested in enjoying the company of a secure, educated, funny, athletic, warm man (close to my age… please) who is emotionally intelligent, available, and financially independent. 

I’m very active, and tend to be partial to a man that is active and athletic. Working out is not an obsession for me, but it is part of my way of life.  Having said that, it doesn’t get in the way of enjoying good meals and a nice wine :).

After

I’m a city girl (NYC and Chicago formerly) who lives on a golf course, an equal opportunity coffee and wine drinker, and a former business owner who loves to volunteer. What may seem like opposites to some people seem like just the right variety to me.

After a fulfilling corporate career, my days are now spent playing tennis, practicing Bikram yoga, and spending time with friends and family.

At this point in my life, I know who I am, and as my friends say, I’m the “softest toughie” they know. I tend to stick to my guns, talk myself out of situations (just ask about the cop and my parking skills), and settle for nothing less than the ultimate goal. Yet, I take ample stops along the way to get to know people, laugh at something my dog does, or just watch a show with my daughter, who uses me as her Snapchat muse.

Before (Bumble)

I’m originally from the South. I love music, animals, and family. Looking for someone who feels the same.

After

Life motto: “Seems fun. How hard could it be?” Bluegrass music-loving news junkie looking for the guac to my tacos. Bonus points if you agree that quoting The Office is a real talent and bread is delicious.

Before (OkCupid)

Hi! I am an optimistic and energetic person and am blessed with two wonderful young adult children. I am an accomplished lawyer and enjoy my career.

Blessed with good health and good genes, I am fit and youthful. I am looking to find someone who is kind, considerate, romantic, attractive, and shares some of my interests, someone to grow with and enjoy this next chapter of my life. Recently divorced after a long marriage (it was mutual and civil), I am looking for joy and laughter.

After

I’m a New York native with some Midwestern values (was there for college and grad school) and a love for my life on the water.

I have a passion for both civil rights and Middle East relations, but when it comes down to it, it’s the people in my life who give me the most joy. I have two grown children (when did that happen?) and a network of friends in different areas of my life, from the tennis court a few times a week to my French-speaking club.

But, when it’s time for some more self-contained reflection, I also enjoy biking, walking, enjoying a game of Scrabble (I know most the two-letter words!), and playing the piano for some low-key (pun intended) activity. 

What did we learn?

The key here is that, while the first profiles are not bad by any means, they are all fairly generic. There isn’t much that sets these people apart. Yet, when adding some playfulness, detail, and personality, the second profiles show who this person really is and give the reader something to grab onto—“message bait”—in order to send a message.

So go forth and edit. Make the profile scream, “This is me!”

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