This guy clearly hadn’t looked at his own profile in a while, and that was to the detriment of everyone.  

There are a few reasons why keeping your profile up to date is important. First, outdated references can make for awkward moments. What if this was the scenario above instead? You see someone talk about their dog and you’re also a big pet lover, so you send a message asking specifically about the pup… only to hear that the dog died months ago. I can’t think of a worse start to a conversation. Or that it was a neighbor’s dog… from your apartment building five years ago. 

As another example, seeing an outdated COVID reference (bragging about your ability to procure a roll of toilet paper, for example) — or even a movie that came out six years ago — can make the person reading the bio wonder if there’s even a person on the other side of the screen. If they’re not updating their profile, maybe they’re not checking the account at all? And if they’re not checking their account, is there even a point in sending a message? Who knows what you could both be missing when that happens?

Every three to six months, give your profile a quick read and refresh. Take out references to holidays that have passed (it seems random to bring up your New Year’s resolutions in July), trips you had planned, or any other obsolete information. Replace it with something new — the bucket list vacation you did, the cooking class you completed, the cat you recently adopted, or the book club you just joined — to make sure that the person reading your profile is getting to know the you from today rather than five years ago.

In addition to updating your bio, also take a look at your photos. Does it still look like you, or did your appearance shift? Maybe you got a major hair makeover or your body changed? Again, your profile should sound like — and look like — you today. So if you’ve shaved a beard or dyed your hair blonde in recent months, your photos should reflect that. Your profile deserves frequent updates to keep it in top shape — and increase your chances of getting messages that turn into dates.

The post An Outdated Profile May Make you Lose Out on a Date appeared first on .

However, finding love might be worth investing in a premium service. According to a new study by Pew Research, those who have paid to use dating sites or apps report more positive experiences than those who have never paid. Roughly 6-in-10 paid users (58%) report positive experiences with dating sites or apps compared to only half of the users who have never paid for a service.

The report adds that 35% of Americans who have ever used a dating app have paid for one at some point, which includes those who have paid for extra features on a platform they already were using. This share is greater among online dating users with upper incomes (45%) than for those with middle (36%) or lower incomes (28%).

No two people’s experiences with online dating are the same, but there are some plus sides to springing for a paid website or app. Perhaps the biggest and most obvious pro is that paying for a dating platform often rules out matches who aren’t serious about finding a committed relationship. While plenty of people use free apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge more for amusement than actually going in with the intention of finding a connection (which I would not recommend, of course!), that tends not to happen quote as much when you’re putting in the money along with the effort. 

Some free apps offer a premium service at a cost, which allows paid users perks like more time to message someone, unlimited swipes, the ability to see who liked you, or getting more information such as when a person was last active on the app. All of these elements could give you that extra chance of forging a connection or simply putting yourself on more people’s radars. 

In other cases, you’re paying for the ability to filter out people who won’t be a match, which can save you valuable time in your search efforts. For example, if you definitely want children, there’s no point scrolling through hundreds of people who know they don’t.

Others may choose to invest their money in a different way. Instead of paying for an online dating platform, you can get coaching from an expert to help you in the specific areas where you’re struggling, whether that’s navigating the transition from texting to an in-person date or giving your profile a complete makeover. 

If you can’t fit a paid dating platform into your budget, don’t fret — plenty of people are finding love on free apps and websites every day… and there are a ton of options to choose from. It’s also important to remember that entering your credit card number doesn’t automatically mean the love of your life will manifest before your eyes. Online dating — paid or free — requires efforts on your part, from updating your profile with recent photos to spending time writing your bio to crafting an interesting opening message to send a potential match. In this case, effort will always outweigh the number in your bank account. 

The post Is Paying for an Online Dating Site Worth It? Here’s What the Stats Say appeared first on .

More often than I wish to see (which is ever), profiles are filled with what a person is not looking for in a partner, what they don’t like to do, or what they won’t tolerate in a relationship. If I asked the authors of these bios what they are trying to achieve with these statements, they might argue that they are trying to rule out anyone who doesn’t align with their values or interests. While they think they are saving time by being frank about their beliefs, they’re actually cutting out not just those who don’t perfectly match with them but also those who might… but are left with a bad taste in their mouth by the profile’s pessimism. 

Instead of focusing on the “don’ts,” “can’ts,” and “won’ts” in your profile, it’s best to turn those into positive statements. Need some examples? 

Negative: “I do not want a relationship with someone who has different religious beliefs/political views than mine.”

Positive: “My religious beliefs/political views are important to me, and I would like to share that part of my life with a partner.”

No one is saying that you have to amend your religious beliefs or political views while seeking out a partner. However, there are many couples who don’t align 100% on these issues yet have a happy, fulfilling relationship. Moreover, stating in a hostile way that you are not open to anyone who has different thoughts on these subjects makes you sound close-minded, which may push away even those who do share your beliefs. It’s better to state that these are important values to you, which may be appealing to someone who feels the same without seeming gloomy.

Negative: “I won’t tolerate a relationship with someone who spends hours in front of the TV every day.”

Positive: “I like to spend my free time outdoors as much as possible — hiking, walking my dog, or just sitting on a park bench in the fresh air.”

Maybe you’re not a big TV show and movie person (just like some people aren’t foodies, others aren’t into having pets, and there are those who don’t enjoy extensive travel). Instead of focusing on what you don’t like to do, talk about the hobbies and interests you do have. That way, you’ll have a much better chance of attracting people who share your enjoyment of those activities while keeping your profile optimistic.

Negative: “I can’t deal with someone with a lot of baggage.”

Positive: “I understand we all have a past, but I want to focus on the future.”

The “no drama” or “no baggage” people crack me up because we all have exes, past relationships, family matters… the list goes on. (Do people really think that someone signs up for a dating app without any history?) Since most people are not looking to bring turmoil into their life, they want things to be easy — which is something successful relationships are decidedly not. Instead of pretending that there’s someone out there without their own past, it’s best to acknowledge that you’re looking to build a bright, new chapter with someone special.  

I would encourage you to read your own dating profiles and look for any “cons” that can you turn into “pros.” They’ll give your bio an instant makeover that is lighter, more pleasant, and inviting — resulting in more interest. While it’s tempting to try and “rule out” people who you know aren’t your type, you may be unintentionally rebuffing the perfect match too.

The post What Not to Write in Your Dating Profile: Turning Negative Statements into Positive Outlooks appeared first on .

Anyone in the world of dating today, especially online and in apps, will tell you that there are a few words you may have to add to your vocabulary. By now, everyone knows about catfishing — pretending you’re somebody online who you’re not — but did you know there’s also practices called benching, breadcrumbing, and even kittenfishing? Who knows — you could be the kittenfisher without even realizing it.

Feel free to give this glossary below a read to help you get up to date on today’s dating lingo in case you see one of these written in someone’s Bumble profile tomorrow. And the next time your pal confides that a potential match is “incel” (involuntary celibate), you won’t have to excuse yourself to the restroom to Google the meaning. (I’ll admit it — that’s what I had to do.)

Benching: This is the dating version of being on a sports team and waiting for the coach to put you. You’re into someone but not enough to take your relationship to the next level. At the same time, you don’t want them going off to find someone new. Essentially, you keep them just interested enough to have them available on the sideline when you want them.

Cuffing Season: While summer is typically thought of as a time to be single and have fun, cuffing season is the opposite. It’s the period from October to March when people want to be coupled up — or “handcuffed” to another person — at least until spring arrives. In general, finding a partner seems more appealing in the winter months so you have someone to cuddle up with, so you may notice that people are pairing off just as the leaves fall from the trees.

Cushioning: Have you ever had a few potential partners just a text away, just in case your current relationship doesn’t work out? That’s called cushioning — because you’re making sure you land without hurting yourself too badly. It’s considered to be “microcheating” by many, meaning you’re making an emotional connection behind your partner’s back despite not being physically intimate.

ENM (Ethically Non-Monogamous): Also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), someone who identifies themself as ENM means that they are looking for an open relationship. This means different things for different people, so honest and open communication is key to success.

FWB (friends with benefits): Basically, you know someone and care about them and are regularly engaging in sexual acts with them, but not within the context of a relationship. 

GGG (Good, Giving, and Game): Coined by sex advice columnist Dan Savage, the GGG approach is what sexual partners should strive to be for a healthy relationship. “Think good in bed, giving based on a partner’s sexual interests, and game for anything — within reason,” Savage explained.

Ghosting: Things seem to be going well with someone you’ve met… until suddenly, they’re gone. You haven’t seen them in weeks, they’re not answering texts or calls, and you’re pretty sure they ran out of Starbucks to avoid you the other day. It’s as if they’ve vanished — much like a ghost. Unfortunately, sometimes completely cutting off communication seems easier than letting someone know they don’t want to pursue a relationship any further. It truly stinks, but instead of making up excuses — “Maybe their phone died… and they haven’t been able to make it to the Verizon store… all month” — it’s probably time to move on. Though, moving on is much more difficult after being ghosted, so don’t do this to people. Please and thank you.

Haunting: Being ghosted is bad enough, but being haunted might be worse. This is when your match cuts off communication, but they subtly let you know that they’re watching you, perhaps in the form of a “like” on a Facebook comment or by viewing your Instagram story. Haunting is also known as orbiting: you know they’re around, but they won’t come in direct contact.

Kittenfishing: While catfishing means someone is using photos of another person in their dating profile, kittenfishing is a less severe (but still frowned upon) dating offense. A kittenfisher is someone who isn’t using another person’s images, but they’re very much enhancing their own to present an unrealistic version of themselves. Perhaps they Photoshopped their pictures, embellished their accomplishments, or are using outdated images of themselves. While everyone wants to present the best version of themselves on a dating profile, this is taking it a step too far.

New dating trends emerge all the time, and daters invent new words to go with them. With all the changes in dating techniques, from meeting on apps and websites to keeping in touch with social media, there’s no current terms to describe these new phenomena! So stay alert — both that you’re not a victim of these tactics or the offender. And please don’t accidentally use the eggplant emoji to talk about your vegetable garden. Trust me.

The post Do You Know Your Dating Lingo? appeared first on .

So many people come to me asking why Bumble (or insert your favorite online dating app) “isn’t working.” What does “working” mean anyway? Some people think it means they should end up in a long-term relationship. While that’s a lovely goal, a dating app is simply the tool you’re using to get to the first date. Then the ball is in your court. “Working,” to me, means that you’re getting more attention, you’re getting more right swipes and matches, and you’re converting more messages into dates.

Are you perhaps doing something that’s not aligned to make the dating app “work” for you? Let’s look at the 6 biggest mistakes you may be making… and how to fix them:

1. Too many photos

Tinder allows nine photos. Bumble allows six. I recommend using five instead. Less is more. Don’t let someone find the one they don’t like and swipe left because of it. (Hinge is the only app that requires six photos. Keep in mind that one can be a short video, which is encouraged. Not “Hello, I’m Erika” but rather a video showing you doing something interesting. I once used one of me at trapeze class, which worked well because it generated conversation… and questions of whether I was planning to join the circus.)

2. No profile

Write something. Something is (usually) better than nothing. A length of 20 to 40 words is what I recommend. The short length is because people have shorter and shorter attention spans, and you don’t want them to skip you just because they don’t want to take time to read what you wrote. Ideas for the profile: Things you’re good at, things you like, where you’re from, shows you’re binge-watching, a few pieces of factual information, etc. Anything interesting provides “message bait,” or something to write to you about.

3. Connecting to Snapchat, Instagram, or Spotify

This is TMI! Don’t give people the chance to dig through everything and dismiss you because of it. Don’t connect.

4. Shirtless selfies and gym selfies

If you’re a man looking for a woman, do not—I repeat DO NOT—post shirtless or gym selfies. Ever. Even if you’re ripped. Trust me. Fish pictures are often no better. If you’re trying to show that you live a healthy lifestyle, then people will still be able to tell by how you look… outside the gym. Most women automatically swipe left on gym shots.

5. Being too generic

Don’t try to appeal to everyone. Rather, be yourself, and the right people will be interested.

Here are some samples of dating app profiles that WORK:

Entrepreneur, NYT crossword puzzler, ramen enthusiast; lover of quick wit, single-malt scotch, and my dog. Where’s the best old fashioned in town?

Thoughtful weirdos to the front, please. Tell me what you’re reading. Bonus points if the answer is yes to this important question: Do you like blue cheese?

English teacher turned urban planner. Drinker of chai over coffee. Fan of live indie music. Endearingly nerdy history buff. Talented at a good number of things, but whistling isn’t one of them. 

I used to design submarines. Then one stormy night I met my right brain. We shared some laughs, fell in love, and I became a professional screenwriter… I’m open-minded, stable, fit, and kind. Usually chill unless in a dance battle.

Final tip on the profile as a bonus: End with a question. You’ve just made it so much easier for people to have something to say in their first message to you.

6. Sending boring messages

When it comes to messages, the key is to be short, sweet, and ask a question. If the other person has written something interesting, then you simply need to ask about it. But, what if there is no message bait?

Just remember that anything is better than “Hey,” “What’s up?” or “How’s your day?” These lead to banal conversations… or none at all. Examples for when someone provides no bait:

1. If you had nothing to do today, would you rather binge-watch something or go for a hike… or both?
2. Best place for [insert favorite food or drink] in the city?
3. Early bird or night owl? Just curious.

Let the dating apps work for you. Fix these six problems today. You should see a difference immediately.

The post 6 Dating App Mistakes You’re Making… And How to Fix Them appeared first on .

I Get By With a Little Help From My… Dating Coach

Whenever I start working with new clients, I first ask if they are currently on an online dating site, and, if so, which one(s). I then ask if I can see the profile that they are currently using. Part of the reason I ask is that I want to see their individual writing styles, and the other part is that it gives me a sense of the “before” profile, or that one that’s ostensibly not working the way they want it to.

Today, I’d like to share a few before and after profiles to show what a tweak, or even a whole rewrite, can do for your dating life:

Before (Match.com)

Hi, thanks for reading this. I am divorced and a single Mom to an incredible daughter who lives with me. After a fulfilling corporate career, I now fill my days with family, friends, tennis, working out, and volunteering. I am interested in enjoying the company of a secure, educated, funny, athletic, warm man (close to my age… please) who is emotionally intelligent, available, and financially independent. 

I’m very active, and tend to be partial to a man that is active and athletic. Working out is not an obsession for me, but it is part of my way of life.  Having said that, it doesn’t get in the way of enjoying good meals and a nice wine :).

After

I’m a city girl (NYC and Chicago formerly) who lives on a golf course, an equal opportunity coffee and wine drinker, and a former business owner who loves to volunteer. What may seem like opposites to some people seem like just the right variety to me.

After a fulfilling corporate career, my days are now spent playing tennis, practicing Bikram yoga, and spending time with friends and family.

At this point in my life, I know who I am, and as my friends say, I’m the “softest toughie” they know. I tend to stick to my guns, talk myself out of situations (just ask about the cop and my parking skills), and settle for nothing less than the ultimate goal. Yet, I take ample stops along the way to get to know people, laugh at something my dog does, or just watch a show with my daughter, who uses me as her Snapchat muse.

Before (Bumble)

I’m originally from the South. I love music, animals, and family. Looking for someone who feels the same.

After

Life motto: “Seems fun. How hard could it be?” Bluegrass music-loving news junkie looking for the guac to my tacos. Bonus points if you agree that quoting The Office is a real talent and bread is delicious.

Before (OkCupid)

Hi! I am an optimistic and energetic person and am blessed with two wonderful young adult children. I am an accomplished lawyer and enjoy my career.

Blessed with good health and good genes, I am fit and youthful. I am looking to find someone who is kind, considerate, romantic, attractive, and shares some of my interests, someone to grow with and enjoy this next chapter of my life. Recently divorced after a long marriage (it was mutual and civil), I am looking for joy and laughter.

After

I’m a New York native with some Midwestern values (was there for college and grad school) and a love for my life on the water.

I have a passion for both civil rights and Middle East relations, but when it comes down to it, it’s the people in my life who give me the most joy. I have two grown children (when did that happen?) and a network of friends in different areas of my life, from the tennis court a few times a week to my French-speaking club.

But, when it’s time for some more self-contained reflection, I also enjoy biking, walking, enjoying a game of Scrabble (I know most the two-letter words!), and playing the piano for some low-key (pun intended) activity. 

What did we learn?

The key here is that, while the first profiles are not bad by any means, they are all fairly generic. There isn’t much that sets these people apart. Yet, when adding some playfulness, detail, and personality, the second profiles show who this person really is and give the reader something to grab onto—“message bait”—in order to send a message.

So go forth and edit. Make the profile scream, “This is me!”

The post A Tweak or Rewrite Can Make All the Difference appeared first on .

I have a Google Alert set to send me any articles where the phrase “online dating” appears. I usually get notifications about new apps that are trying to take market share (good luck), crazy people who send money to strangers over the internet (don’t be one of them), and new algorithms that the dating sites are using to pair up their members (something that I presume looks like a dartboard with a heart as the elusive bullseye). Some of the articles I skim through, some I read the title, and some I just plain ignore.

But, just a few days ago, an article came across my screen that made me do a double-take. The title of the article was “Tinder to Get ‘Height Verification’ Feature Soon.” Whaaaa? After all these years of trying to convince female clients that a six-foot man is not the epitome of sexy (in fact, fewer than 15% of men in the US are six feet or taller), and that someone who lists that he’s six feet online could very well actually be (gasp) a real six feet, Tinder is playing into the myth that most men lie about their height online. (Okay… you got me. It’s not a total myth. OkCupid published a study back in 2010 showing that men’s heights on the site are skewed two inches higher than the national average. Unless the men on OkCupid are, on the whole, a tall sampling of the nation, there’s a lie in the midst. Oddly enough, the same two inches were embellished for women, too. I personally love being a shortie, but that’s just me.)

At any rate, the article links to Tinder’s blog itself, which reads, “Say goodbye to height fishing.”

“Let’s be real, when it comes to online dating—honesty is the best policy. Yes, your height matters as long as every other shallow aspect of physical attraction does. Please try not to take it to heart.

“It’s come to our attention that most of you 5’10ers out there are actually 5’6. The charade must stop. This type of dishonestly [sic] doesn’t just hurt your matches—it hurts us, too. Did it ever occur to you that we’re 5’6 and actually love our medium height? Did it ever occur to you that honesty is what separates humans from sinister monsters? Of course not. You were only thinking of yourself. Well, height-lying ends here. To require everyone under 6’ to own up to their real height, we’re bringing truthfulness back into the world of online dating.

“Introducing Tinder’s Height Verification Badge (HVB), because yes—sometimes it matters. It’s the tool we’ve had in our back-pockets for years, but we were hoping your honesty would allow us to keep it there. Our verification tool is super easy to use, and extremely hard to misuse.

“Here’s how it works: Simply input your true, accurate height with a screenshot of you standing next to any commercial building. We’ll do some state-of-the-art verifying and you’ll receive your badge directly on your profile. Oh, and by the way? Only 14.5% of the U.S. male population is actually 6’ and beyond. So, we’re expecting to see a huge decline in the 80% of males on Tinder who are claiming that they are well over 6 feet. That’s fine by us—as long as we’re all living our truths. Tinder’s HVB is coming soon to a phone near you.”

Is this tool—something that women will likely laud and men fear—for real? Are we really going to make things worse out there for shorter men, who already bear this unfounded discrimination? (In fact, now that I think about it, you’re not actually required to list your height at all on Tinder.) If people have to start verifying their height, are they going to have to hop onto a virtual scale too? And maybe post their resume? And how about that college GPA? What is the world coming to?!

Well, it turns out that I, along with many others, may have fallen prey to Tinder’s poor excuse of an early April Fools’ Day joke. (Um… isn’t the point of April Fools’ Day to play a prank on, you know, April 1^st?) Otherwise, it’s just confusing, even to those of us in the industry. Time will tell today whether it was all a ruse or not.

Whether real or made up, Tinder was correct about one thing—honesty is the best policy. Use it wisely, and don’t take pictures next to the Eiffel Tower to measure your height. It’s already cliché enough.

The post How Important is Height Really? appeared first on .

I saw this meme recently:

I hear things like this almost daily from clients and friends alike. They complain about being single, yet when I ask what they’re doing to change that, I’m often met with a shrug, a blush, or the response, “Not much, I guess.”

I’m going to shout this in case you can’t hear me: DATING TAKES WORK. We all remember a story of the one couple we know who met on the airplane. That’s lovely, but it’s also an outlier. Or how about those people who happened to be at the same birthday party and can’t believe they’ve never met before? That’s lovely, too. But we can’t rely on serendipity. We can count on hard work… and even then, there’s no guarantee.

For some clients’ coaching sessions, what I do is have them come to my office—in person or virtually—with their dating app-equipped phone in hand. I first look at their activity, or lack thereof, on whichever app(s) or sites they are using. After I have momentary heart failure when I see how many new matches are listed (as in, you’ve both “swiped right” on each other, indicating that you like each other) with not a single conversation happening, we go through the app slowly but surely until it’s organized and efficient.

First, we clean out those matches. We look at the profile and decide whether to send a message or not. For the ones who don’t interest my client, we “unmatch” them (meaning, they are no longer listed as matches in the app), and for the ones who do, we send a short, often cheeky, message to catch that person’s attention.

Once this is done, we swipe a bit. I like the rule of thumb “50 swipes or 5 matches—whichever comes first.” (On the larger sites like Match.com, try to send at least 10 emails a week.) Once we get any new matches, we write to them immediately. Usually, by the end of the hour with a client, he or she will have a date lined up for that week. A little bit of work, either with my hand forcing it or not, to get a date or two lined up seems worth it to me. But people aren’t doing that.

I was once on a vacation with a friend of mine. She’s accomplished and beautiful. She often shares with me her frustrations with being single and dating. I love my friend dearly, but it gets grating, especially when she’s complaining to a dating coach! Anyway, on this trip, I saw her swiping through Bumble numerous times. More than numerous, actually. Sometimes she would show me a profile that was particularly egregious. But for all that swiping, I never saw her send a message to anyone. Not one. (Don’t worry—she knows how I feel about this, so I’m not “outing” her.) Unfortunately, this is how too many people do online dating… by not doing it. Whether it’s laziness, cluelessness, or a defense mechanism to then say, “I tried and it didn’t work,” I’ll never know.

I encourage you to do anything you want—dating or otherwise—in a strategic manner. If, for example, you need to find a new job, you take the time to put together your resume, maybe do some practice interviews, buy some new clothes, and send your resume out to as many appropriate positions as possible. People don’t browse job postings simply to see what’s out there, never send a resume, and then get upset that they haven’t gotten a job.

So much comes down to people realizing that anything in life that’s worth it takes effort, time, and hard work. As a coach, I get frustrated—perhaps more than my clients and friends who express their frustrations with being single to me—when someone has these amazing tools at his or her disposal and isn’t using them efficiently because “it’s hard” or “it should just happen.” If I waited for things to “just happen,” I’d be sitting in a cubicle at Fannie Mae right now, watching my life pass me by (oh wait, no windows). If I waited for things to “just happen,” I wouldn’t have had all of the wonderful dates and relationships I’ve had from various online dating sites. And, if I waited for things to “just happen,” I wouldn’t be writing this article right now.

The post Maybe This is Why You’re Single appeared first on .

1. If you’re on a dating app, swipe 50 profiles a day. Yes, 50.

That way, you’re sure to at least stay active on the site and not forget about it for two weeks, but you won’t go into the rabbit hole of spending too much time each day using dating apps. It can become an addiction! A survey by dating app Badoo found that, on average, people spend about 90 minutes a day online dating, logging on 10 times a day for about nine minutes at a time. This seems like an obsession to me, and one that likely won’t lead to the desired outcome. Focus instead on swiping a certain number of people, getting some matches, and then writing to those matches. There’s no point in swiping into oblivion if you’re not going to have any dates come to fruition.

2. Read over your profile and revamp it as necessary.

A client of mine wrote to someone on Match.com the other day, saying, among other things, “From reading your profile, it sounds like you’re very aware of what’s gone right and wrong in your life and have learned from those experiences. That’s a great quality in a person.” The response she got was, “Alas, my profile was written ages ago—I’m afraid to read it now. I appreciate your thoughtful comment about it.” Don’t let this happen to you. Keep your profile accurate and current.

3. Go to one new social event a week.

Maybe it’s a business networking event, maybe a happy hour, or maybe just dinner with friends. Anything to get you “out there” will help with your goal of meeting someone. The one place you definitely won’t meet someone is on your couch. (Though, it’s not the end of the world to stare at some of those hotties on Netflix once in a while. I’m talking about you, Idris Elba.)

4. Say hi to someone new every day.

I know this is many an extrovert’s dream and an introvert’s nightmare. When you’re at Starbucks or your office or killing time at the DMV (which I’ve been putting off for a good six months), just look to your left or right, smile, and say “Hi.” A little bit of kindness goes a long way.

5. Break one rule.

Do you have any deal-breakers that might be negotiable after all? Maybe you’re a woman who’s always thought you wanted to be with someone at least 6-feet tall. (Why, oh why? Give some love to the shorter men.) Try lowering that by an inch or two. When you’re sitting down and… ahem… in bed, I’m pretty sure you won’t notice. Or, have you only been searching within, say, 10 miles of your zip code? Expand that to 20 or 30 to see who else comes across your path. You just never know.

Ultimately, just like most things that matter in life, meeting someone special takes work, and no one goes from Point A (single) to Point Z (in a long-term relationship) overnight. My goal is to help you get to Point B, then C, then eventually X, Y, and Z. Also remember that Z is not the only way to define “success.” If you see everything short of the ultimate goal as a failure, then it’s certainly going to be a long and painful process. Give yourself some credit for the baby steps!

For 2019, I have a few personal goals: Get more sleep, take my dog to the dog park more often, and drink more water. But, using my own advice, I’m going to amend them: Go to bed half an hour earlier three days a week, take Scruffy to the dog park every Saturday that I’m in town and it’s not raining, and carry a water bottle with me. See the difference? The first set of goals has no directions. The second set is actionable. Let’s do the same thing with dating.

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The founders of online dating sites like Match, JDate, and even Tinder (which is owned by Match) want you to use their sites to meet a significant other. Online dating makes it so much easier to connect with people. And these sites get a thrill out of touting their success stories—using anything from online advertisements to Times Square billboards—and contributing to the ever-growing statistic of how many relationships started online. I love this!

Back in the day, according to a study in 1932 (so, way back in the day), a sociologist at the University of Pennsylvania looked through five thousand consecutive marriage licenses on file for people who lived in the city of Philadelphia and found that a whopping 33 percent of the couples who got married had lived within a five-block radius of each other before they got married. (If you recall, my parents met because they lived next door to each other. Mom is five-and-a-half years older, though, so she was out in the working world and my dad was in school!)

On the flip side, online dating sites also want to make money, and lots of it. Online dating is a $2.5 billion industry, and it doesn’t look to be shrinking any time soon. So, while you see the shiny, smiling faces of couples who found each other online, you’re also noticing that every online dating site has a recurring payment plan, meaning it keeps your credit card number and charges it at the end of the term you initially signed up for, whether you’re active on the site or not. The sites also leave your entire profile intact when you deactivate your membership, even if now hidden, just in case you should want to take another dip in the waters of online dating any time. It’s that easy. Do they want you to find someone or don’t they? Hmm…

In my business, I work with my clients so that they leave me. It sounds like a strange concept, but I want to have an extremely high turnover rate and prefer to work with clients for no more than about a three-month period. Sure—it takes more work to always have a new slew of clients, but my goal is to have people get to a point where they can either manage their online dating life on their own or where they have found a relationship, if that’s what they’re seeking. I have no interest in working with a client for longer than I have to, even if it provides more revenue. As I always say, “Good work comes back in karma and referrals.”

Yesterday, I learned that Spark Networks, which is the parent company to JDate, Christian Mingle, and LDS (Latter Day Saints) Singles—which are all the exact same site with different branding, for what it’s worth—will pay $500 thousand in penalties and up to almost $1 million in restitution to customers whose subscriptions automatically renewed without explicit permission or whose refunds were denied when requested. These sites will never, of course, get rid of automatic renewals—this is their lifeblood—but they will make it easier for customers to both opt in and opt out.

In fact, on Match.com, I tell clients (and sometimes I do it for them) to “cancel” their membership immediately upon payment. By doing this, they still have access for the three- or six-month period that they’ve signed up for, but the membership fee will no longer automatically renew. (You can do this by going to the user settings in the top right if you’re using the desktop version, and then “Change/Cancel membership.” Or, just make a note to yourself to cancel before your time period runs out. Many people forget to do this. This makes these sites happy.)

What am I saying here? That online dating sites are bad? Of course not! I made a whole career out of using them since I think they’re so nifty. I’m just saying that they have two very conflicting motives—success for you and success for them. Just check your credit card statements every month, and you’ll be A-okay.

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