The burnt toast theory gained traction online last year, when a cabin panel on an Alaska Airlines flight was ripped off in midair. Out of every seat on the plane, only seven were empty…including the two next to the gaping hole in the aircraft. Some theorized the people who were assigned to be sitting there may have missed their flight — an annoyance for sure, but it could have actually saved their lives.

Even if you’re not avoiding something catastrophic like a car crash, these small hassles could be putting you in the right place at the right time. Say your “burnt toast” — which could, of course, be anything from a flat tire to spilled coffee — has you running late to a work meeting, but the person you meet in the elevator on the way to your office is someone who will have a big impact on the meeting. Your elevator small talk could result in something major.

To really sum it up: instead of getting flustered by minor inconveniences, you can look at them as possible blessings in disguise.

While this is a great attitude to have in life in general that will keep you from sweating the small stuff, the burnt toast theory can also be applied to online dating. Say you’ve been ghosted by someone you were talking to and thought there was potential with. Instead of worrying about “What did I do wrong?” or “How do I get them to respond to me?” the burnt toast theory gives you another perspective: “Maybe this person ghosting me is allowing me to better explore another connection.”

Another scenario: you have a first date and everything goes wrong — the bartender is rude, you spill wine on your lap, and end up waiting an hour for your table to be ready. Instead of looking at the situation as a total disaster, you could think instead, “Now I know how this person reacts when things don’t always go the right way.” And hopefully, they reacted well so you can look forward to a smoother second date. If not, you may have been saved from spending time pursuing a relationship with someone who can’t control their emotions.

The burnt toast theory isn’t really a theory at all — it’s a mindset shift. There will always be setbacks in life, and all we can really control is our reactions. Having the attitude that things will unfold as they’re meant to be, no matter how irritating or inconvenient it is in the moment, can save you a lot of frustration, especially in the unpredictable world of dating where very few things are in your total control.

So the next time you burn your toast, can’t find your keys, forget your lunch at home, or realize you need to find a bathroom ASAP because your shirt is on backward, think of how that disruption in your day could have been so much worse. And if your tardiness leads you to stand on the Starbucks line behind a cute fellow customer, maybe you’ll find all things happen for a reason.

The post Apply the Burnt Toast Theory to Online Dating — It May Save Your Sanity appeared first on .

Question I received:

“How do I politely tell the girl I’m seeing that she needs to lose weight?”

My, perhaps indelicate, response was this:

“‘How do I politely tell you that this is such a disgusting question?’

Unless you are her medical provider, you don’t.

If your interest in her is contingent on her weight, please end things. For the sake of both of you.

She has a mirror. She knows what she looks like. But she doesn’t have to lose weight. Someone will love her exactly as she is. Sadly, that someone is not you. And if she does lose weight, it will be her choice, not because the person she’s dating—the one who is supposed to like her for her—only wants her at a certain size.

We take people as they come. And assume that how they are now is how they will continue. Then we accept that or not.”

I know this is a sensitive topic for many, and as much as I wanted to be kinder in my response, especially since someone had felt comfortable enough asking me (albeit anonymously), I had a difficult time doing that. When we meet someone, that is the person they are. Can people change in the future? Sure. But to only be with someone contingent on them making a change that you deem acceptable is not a reason to be with someone.

This question reminded me of a different yet related question recently asking this: “He treats me SO amazingly but doesn’t have much direction in life (he’s 35). Do I wait and hope?”

And my response was similar:

“The person you meet now is the person you are going to get. If you are happy with him just as he is, continue dating him. But if you only want to date him contingent on waiting and hoping for something to happen that will likely not, please don’t.

The true question to ask yourself is this: Can I be happy with this person assuming they stay exactly as they are, direction in life or otherwise? If the answer is no, it’s a sign to reconsider the relationship. Hoping for someone to change is a gamble—one that’s unfair to both of you.”

There is, of course, some nuance here. As important as it is to believe that the person you meet is the person who they are going to be, what if changes occur while you are in a relationship—weight loss or gain, a newfound lack of motivation, or something else? As comfort sets into a relationship, sometimes changes can—and do—happen. At that point, there is room to discuss this perceived change with your partner. Rather than accusing someone of “getting worse,” instead, come from a place of curiosity. “Is everything okay? I noticed that you haven’t seemed as motivated lately when it comes to work? Do you want to talk about it?” Then you can have a more collaborative conversation rather than one where your partner feels that your interest is contingent on who they were before.

Everyone will have a set of “perceived flaws,” or subjective things that you would not prefer. Which ones can you live with and which ones can’t you? That’s up to you to decide. Because, in the end, while we can support our partners in their growth, any change must come from their own desire, not our demands.

The post How Do I Tell the Person I’m Dating to Change? appeared first on .

Question: “I have been dating someone for three months, and we’re exclusive (not seeing other people). I’m ready to define the relationship (DTR) but don’t want to lose him if he’s not ready. How to have the talk?”

My response:

“For better or for worse (and I hope better, of course!), that’s a risk you’re going to have to take. I don’t want you not having your needs fulfilled—in this case, it sounds like a label on the relationship—because you are afraid of the other person’s reaction.

If you are exclusive, why do you think the two of you are not on the same page about what I presume is labels?

Here’s how you might approach it: ‘I’ve really been enjoying everything we’ve been doing, and I love being exclusive with you. I just want to make sure we are on the same page about what that means to both of us. For me, I’d love to be able to call you my boyfriend/partner. What do you think?’ Simple, direct, and honest.

If he is, in fact, not ready, which, given your hesitancy, seems somewhat likely, then it’s up to you to decide how to move forward or not. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. Feel free to read that last sentence again. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. You’re sharing your life with this person, at least at this moment in time, so start with sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Lastly, I would prefer that the whole exclusivity/label conversation happens together so you don’t have this in-between period of being exclusive but wondering what the heck you are. It happens more often than one might think.”

That’s as far as I got with my response to the question, but I want to add that it’s actually quitecommon these days for couples to agree to exclusivity—no dating or sleeping with other people—without fully defining the relationship. Labels, dating app statuses, introductions to friends and family? All left in limbo. While some people are okay with ambiguity (often the person who is more reticent to commit), others find it leaves them feeling confused and wanting more.

When you do decide to have this conversation, I encourage you to cover all the bases:

• What does exclusivity mean to each of you? (It’s so important to be on the same page here.)
• Are you ready to fully take down or only pause your dating app profiles? (This seemingly small distinction makes a huge difference.)
• How would you like to introduce each other to friends or family? (“Boyfriend/girlfriend,” “partner,” something else?)
• What are your expectations for the relationship moving forward?

Leaving these topics unspoken can lead to unmet expectations, like in the original question. And if you’re not ready to dive into all of this yet, that’s okay, too. Wait until you feel ready. Assuming no one is putting pressure on you, take your time. I only want you to become exclusive with someone if you are already getting the behaviors you want, and now the titles just equal what you’re already doing. If, however, you’re feeling anxious about things, and you think that becoming exclusive or defining the relationship will quell your nerves and make you feel more stable, it won’t. Whatever behavior you’re getting before exclusivity or defining the relationship is the behavior you’re going to be getting after exclusivity, but probably amplified.

One more point that may provide some comfort: Nothing in life—or in relationships anyway—is irreversible. If you both decide to define the relationship and it doesn’t feel quite right later (even if that “later” is shortly after this conversation), you can always adjust course. Relationships are a process of discovery, and defining it is just one step.

The post Should We Have “The Talk”? When? How? appeared first on .

During my latest “Ask Erika Monday” session on Instagram (have questions of your own or curious about what people are wondering in their own dating lives? Join me next week!), I got a message from someone who was very frustrated by the men she’s met recently.

“I feel so deflated — every guy this year has just messed me up. How to deal?” they asked.

I answered, “If *every* guy has messed you up, then it is definitely time to look internally — probably with the help of a great therapist. No one gets the right to ‘mess you up’ without your consent.”

I shared a list of questions for this person, and anyone else who was feeling similarly, to ask themselves.

• Are you entering situations that you know are not good for you?
• Are you holding onto people for too long?
• Are you determining your value based on what other people think of you?
• Are you accepting the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve more?
• Are you projecting experiences from the past onto new people, thereby repeating history?

There will always be outside influences out of our control, but it is important to realize that how you react to situations is 100% your responsibility. And at the start of the new year, maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself and figure out ways to ensure you’re not repeating behaviors that are keeping you from finding your match.

Of course, sometimes this can’t be done alone. Luckily, there are many resources available to help. If seeing a therapist doesn’t work with your budget or schedule, you might want to look into some of the more affordable online therapy sites that offer personalized, virtual counseling to work through some of the questions outlined above. A few options include:

• BetterHelp
• Talkspace
• Open Path Collective
• 7 Cups
• Regain

Practicing meditation, journaling, or opening up to close friends can also help you understand why relationships have been difficult for you and if there are patterns that might be holding you back.

There’s a bad apple in every bunch, but when every apple is rotten, it’s time to recognize why… and maybe find your fruit elsewhere. By growing yourself, you can get the apples from the top branches instead of the ones that have already fallen on the ground.

The post Questions to Ask Yourself When “Every” Match Isn’t Working Out appeared first on .

This guy clearly hadn’t looked at his own profile in a while, and that was to the detriment of everyone.  

There are a few reasons why keeping your profile up to date is important. First, outdated references can make for awkward moments. What if this was the scenario above instead? You see someone talk about their dog and you’re also a big pet lover, so you send a message asking specifically about the pup… only to hear that the dog died months ago. I can’t think of a worse start to a conversation. Or that it was a neighbor’s dog… from your apartment building five years ago. 

As another example, seeing an outdated COVID reference (bragging about your ability to procure a roll of toilet paper, for example) — or even a movie that came out six years ago — can make the person reading the bio wonder if there’s even a person on the other side of the screen. If they’re not updating their profile, maybe they’re not checking the account at all? And if they’re not checking their account, is there even a point in sending a message? Who knows what you could both be missing when that happens?

Every three to six months, give your profile a quick read and refresh. Take out references to holidays that have passed (it seems random to bring up your New Year’s resolutions in July), trips you had planned, or any other obsolete information. Replace it with something new — the bucket list vacation you did, the cooking class you completed, the cat you recently adopted, or the book club you just joined — to make sure that the person reading your profile is getting to know the you from today rather than five years ago.

In addition to updating your bio, also take a look at your photos. Does it still look like you, or did your appearance shift? Maybe you got a major hair makeover or your body changed? Again, your profile should sound like — and look like — you today. So if you’ve shaved a beard or dyed your hair blonde in recent months, your photos should reflect that. Your profile deserves frequent updates to keep it in top shape — and increase your chances of getting messages that turn into dates.

The post An Outdated Profile May Make you Lose Out on a Date appeared first on .

However, finding love might be worth investing in a premium service. According to a new study by Pew Research, those who have paid to use dating sites or apps report more positive experiences than those who have never paid. Roughly 6-in-10 paid users (58%) report positive experiences with dating sites or apps compared to only half of the users who have never paid for a service.

The report adds that 35% of Americans who have ever used a dating app have paid for one at some point, which includes those who have paid for extra features on a platform they already were using. This share is greater among online dating users with upper incomes (45%) than for those with middle (36%) or lower incomes (28%).

No two people’s experiences with online dating are the same, but there are some plus sides to springing for a paid website or app. Perhaps the biggest and most obvious pro is that paying for a dating platform often rules out matches who aren’t serious about finding a committed relationship. While plenty of people use free apps like Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge more for amusement than actually going in with the intention of finding a connection (which I would not recommend, of course!), that tends not to happen quote as much when you’re putting in the money along with the effort. 

Some free apps offer a premium service at a cost, which allows paid users perks like more time to message someone, unlimited swipes, the ability to see who liked you, or getting more information such as when a person was last active on the app. All of these elements could give you that extra chance of forging a connection or simply putting yourself on more people’s radars. 

In other cases, you’re paying for the ability to filter out people who won’t be a match, which can save you valuable time in your search efforts. For example, if you definitely want children, there’s no point scrolling through hundreds of people who know they don’t.

Others may choose to invest their money in a different way. Instead of paying for an online dating platform, you can get coaching from an expert to help you in the specific areas where you’re struggling, whether that’s navigating the transition from texting to an in-person date or giving your profile a complete makeover. 

If you can’t fit a paid dating platform into your budget, don’t fret — plenty of people are finding love on free apps and websites every day… and there are a ton of options to choose from. It’s also important to remember that entering your credit card number doesn’t automatically mean the love of your life will manifest before your eyes. Online dating — paid or free — requires efforts on your part, from updating your profile with recent photos to spending time writing your bio to crafting an interesting opening message to send a potential match. In this case, effort will always outweigh the number in your bank account. 

The post Is Paying for an Online Dating Site Worth It? Here’s What the Stats Say appeared first on .

More often than I wish to see (which is ever), profiles are filled with what a person is not looking for in a partner, what they don’t like to do, or what they won’t tolerate in a relationship. If I asked the authors of these bios what they are trying to achieve with these statements, they might argue that they are trying to rule out anyone who doesn’t align with their values or interests. While they think they are saving time by being frank about their beliefs, they’re actually cutting out not just those who don’t perfectly match with them but also those who might… but are left with a bad taste in their mouth by the profile’s pessimism. 

Instead of focusing on the “don’ts,” “can’ts,” and “won’ts” in your profile, it’s best to turn those into positive statements. Need some examples? 

Negative: “I do not want a relationship with someone who has different religious beliefs/political views than mine.”

Positive: “My religious beliefs/political views are important to me, and I would like to share that part of my life with a partner.”

No one is saying that you have to amend your religious beliefs or political views while seeking out a partner. However, there are many couples who don’t align 100% on these issues yet have a happy, fulfilling relationship. Moreover, stating in a hostile way that you are not open to anyone who has different thoughts on these subjects makes you sound close-minded, which may push away even those who do share your beliefs. It’s better to state that these are important values to you, which may be appealing to someone who feels the same without seeming gloomy.

Negative: “I won’t tolerate a relationship with someone who spends hours in front of the TV every day.”

Positive: “I like to spend my free time outdoors as much as possible — hiking, walking my dog, or just sitting on a park bench in the fresh air.”

Maybe you’re not a big TV show and movie person (just like some people aren’t foodies, others aren’t into having pets, and there are those who don’t enjoy extensive travel). Instead of focusing on what you don’t like to do, talk about the hobbies and interests you do have. That way, you’ll have a much better chance of attracting people who share your enjoyment of those activities while keeping your profile optimistic.

Negative: “I can’t deal with someone with a lot of baggage.”

Positive: “I understand we all have a past, but I want to focus on the future.”

The “no drama” or “no baggage” people crack me up because we all have exes, past relationships, family matters… the list goes on. (Do people really think that someone signs up for a dating app without any history?) Since most people are not looking to bring turmoil into their life, they want things to be easy — which is something successful relationships are decidedly not. Instead of pretending that there’s someone out there without their own past, it’s best to acknowledge that you’re looking to build a bright, new chapter with someone special.  

I would encourage you to read your own dating profiles and look for any “cons” that can you turn into “pros.” They’ll give your bio an instant makeover that is lighter, more pleasant, and inviting — resulting in more interest. While it’s tempting to try and “rule out” people who you know aren’t your type, you may be unintentionally rebuffing the perfect match too.

The post What Not to Write in Your Dating Profile: Turning Negative Statements into Positive Outlooks appeared first on .

In some ways, it feels like 2021 flew right by, and in others, it feels like it was the never-ending continuation of 2020. Let’s hope that 2022 brings more health and happiness to much of the world.

In the meantime, I’d like to share some words of wisdom for dating in 2022:

1. Texting is the death of the first date.

When you are conversing with someone on a dating app and that person asks to switch over to direct texting on your phone instead (by giving or asking for a phone number), there is a 60% chance that the date will no longer happen. (While not statistically significant, this is based on evidence from my clients’ experiences over the last 10+ years.) Why is this? Because someone drops the ball and doesn’t text, the plans don’t get finalized, someone texts something inappropriate, it turns into a pen pal relationship… the list goes on. Make your plans for the first date directly within the dating app. Once the date is scheduled, feel free to exchange numbers just for contingencies by saying, “In case you need to reach me tomorrow, my number is ___.” Your conversation-to-date conversion rate will be much higher. 

2. You get what you allow.

If someone is treating you in a way you don’t like but you accept it, then that is the treatment you will get. For example, let’s say you prefer phone calls, but the person you’re dating only texts you. If you don’t tell the other person your preferences and simply reply to all of the texts, then that is what you get. You should never be shy to ask for what you need, which leads to the next point…

3. Telling someone what you need is not needy.

I hear all the time, primarily from women, that they are afraid to express their needs and expectations to their—often new—partner. That fear is mainly because they don’t want to hear an answer they don’t like. Assuming what you’re asking isn’t unreasonable, then it’s up to the other person to decide whether to do that or not. If they can, great. If they can’t, then it is up to you to decide how important it is to you.

4. You can always add dinner, but you can’t take it back.

Go on a first date for a drink, coffee, or a walk. Then, if you’re having a good time, you can stay longer and get food. If you arrange for dinner and can’t stand each other (no one hopes for this, but it happens), you are stuck at dinner. Wine bars are great—they usually have a good food menu.

5. If you don’t know, ask.

I get questions all the time about what something means that someone said. The reality of it is that I can make an educated guess, but in the end, only the person who said it knows. If you’re not sure what something meant, ask the person who said it.

6. No one is a mind reader.

You want something from your partner. You are not getting that something. Your partner does not know you want it unless you explicitly say it. No hinting. No beating around the bush. Use direct language.

7. Everything short of finding “your person” is not a failure.

We learn a lot about ourselves and other people in the dating process. This is necessary. Some relationships work and some don’t. And many work until they don’t. But the ones that don’t are not failures, and neither are you. It wasn’t a “failed marriage” or a “failed relationship.” Hopefully it was a positive experience (for at least some period) that couldn’t withstand the test of time. Each date or relationship is a learning experience that gets us one step closer to the one that lasts.

Even if we all implement one of the seven tips above, then 2022 should be a more productive year for dating.

The post Words of Wisdom for Dating in 2022 appeared first on .

Sometimes, someone calls you and starts to vent about something. Human nature (at least mine, and most people I know) is to jump to finding answers or solutions when, in fact, the person on the other end of the phone simply needs someone to just listen, sympathize, and commiserate.

This is often especially difficult for me, as a dating coach, when I have friends who complain to me about, you guessed it, dating. My nature, primarily because of my job, is to jump into problem-solving mode. “Why isn’t Bumble working for you? Let me see which photos you’re using. Are your conversations one-sided? Are you taking too long to get back to someone? Let’s assess and fix it.” This trait works great for me in business—clients get immediate guidance to resolve the problem at hand. Where it often doesn’t work is in relationships or friendships. In fact, a friend of mine used to say to me, when she just wanted to share something, “Don’t client me.” Point taken.

How is this relevant to dating? When you are starting a new relationship, and when you’re in an established one for that matter, communication is one of the most important factors in making a relationship work. But we have to remember that no one is a mind reader. So, if you want someone to listen, you can tell them just that: “I know there are probably a million solutions, but right now, I just want to vent to you.” On the other hand, if you want someone to brainstorm with you, you can say, “I could really use some advice.”

Now, if you’re on the other side, meaning someone comes to you with an issue or a problem, and you’re not sure what they are looking for, then ask. It’s that simple. “Are you looking for a listening ear or for advice?” The shortest way I thought to say this would be “Sympathy or solutions?” (But in reality, a few extra words to add warmth won’t hurt!) Not only will you be able to provide your partner (in any context) exactly what they need, but you will also be seen as someone who doesn’t just put forth your own agenda. Rather, you can adapt your communication to what that person needs at that time. In fact, someone may need a shoulder to cry on right now but in a day or two be ready to hear your thoughts on how to resolve the matter.

I get many complaints from clients that their date isn’t truly listening to what they are saying. Listening is a skill that needs to be honed and practiced. So, rather than automatically thinking of everything you want to try to resolve in your head (I think we’re all culprits of “half listening,” where we’re already thinking about the next thing we want to say while the other person is talking), instead, take a beat and figure out what your role is. This will bode well in any type of relationship—romantic, parental, you name it.

So give it a spin. The next time someone comes to you with a problem, ask what they would like from you in that situation. It will make you a better friend and partner to not just assume but to actually ask… and thereby put the other person first.

The post Sympathy or Solutions? appeared first on .

If after one date and the other person wants to see you again, below are two options that are both tactful and honest:

“Thanks so much for a nice time! Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for, but I wish you nothing but the best.”

“It was really nice meeting and learning a bit about you. I don’t feel that we’re a romantic match, but thanks again for taking the time, and I wish you the best.”

As long as you keep things kind and decisive (as in, don’t make up lies about how your life is too busy right now or you met someone else in the 12.73 hours since your date), then that’s all you can do. As I often find myself reminding clients and friends alike – in both dating and in life – all we can control is what we put out there. What we cannot control is how others react to this. This is an important note because, if one out of 10 times someone does not take the rejection maturely, I don’t want that to stop anyone from making the kind, honest choice in the future.

What not to do: Ghost, be rude, list all of the things you didn’t like about that person, ghost, be curt, ghost. And did I mention ghost? Don’t do it. If someone makes him or herself vulnerable to you (as in, asks you out again), then you need to reply in some fashion.

Now, what happens if someone sends you a message on an online dating site like Match.com, where it does not have to be a “mutual match” (like most of the apps) for someone to write to you? It’s thoughtful and shows that the person took the time to read your profile and craft a unique, personal message. But you know this person is not for you for any number of reasons. General protocol online is to simply delete or not reply if you’re not interested. But in this case, if someone did take that time, then I still recommend saying something like, “Thanks so much for your thoughtful message. While I don’t think we are a match, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciated it. Best of luck.” Again, most people will take this note graciously. Some will not. Don’t let the ones who get up in arms influence your desire to send similar messages in the future.

Unfortunately, not everyone is kind or mature enough to send these rejection messages. Sometimes we get ghosted or have rude messages sent to us that are neither kind nor mature. I just want to remind everyone not to let someone else’s opinion or behavior influence your value of yourself.

Lastly, once you’ve seen someone several times or are in a relationship, then a much more personal approach should be taken, whether that is in person or over the phone. Please don’t hide behind your screen so as to shield yourself from the other person’s reactions and emotions. It’s okay to express yourself, and, in turn, it’s okay for the other person to react. Will it be difficult in the short term? Yes. Will you feel better about how you handled things in the long term? That’s the goal.

The post “I Just Didn’t Feel the Connection” appeared first on .