So, what exactly is a situationship, and how do you navigate one?

1. What Is a Situationship?

A situationship is that in-between stage where you’re more than just friends but not quite in a committed relationship. (The name is just as ambiguous as the actual thing.) You might be spending time together, going on dates, and having physical intimacy, but there’s no official label. It’s a relationship without the definition—a “ship” without the anchor.

2. The Appeal of Situationships

Why do situationships happen? To start, they can be low-pressure and convenient. In a world where everyone seems to be juggling careers, family, social lives, and personal growth, a situationship offers the perks of a relationship without the demands. You get companionship, intimacy, and someone to spend time with—without the serious talks or long-term planning. For some people, this is exactly what they’re looking for. But for others (dare I say, many), it’s a temporary state that leaves them yearning for clarity and commitment.

3. Signs You’re in a Situationship

• Lack of labels: You haven’t defined the relationship, and there’s no talk of exclusivity.
• Inconsistent communication: You might go days or even weeks without hearing from someone, only to pick up right where you left off with no reference to the time lapse.
• No future plans: Conversations about the future are vague or nonexistent. You’re living in the moment, which seems like a good thing for a short while, but you’re not sure where it’s going.
• Emotional ambiguity: You feel like you’re walking on eggshells when it comes to discussing feelings. There’s a sense of uncertainty about how the person you’re dating feels about you.

4. The Emotional Toll of a Situationship

While situationships can be enjoyable, they can also take a toll on your emotional well-being, especially if you’re hoping for more. The uncertainty can lead to anxiety, frustration, and self-doubt. You might find yourself constantly analyzing every interaction, trying to decipher what they’re thinking or where things are headed. If it’s causing more stress than happiness (as in, are you miserable or anxious more than 50% of the time… or are you only happy when you’re physically together?), it might be time to reassess what you need from this connection.

5. How to Navigate a Situationship

If you’re in a situationship and feeling uncertain, here are some steps to take:

• Know your worth: First and foremost, remember that you deserve clarity and respect in any relationship. Don’t settle for less just because you’re afraid of losing the connection. You don’t have to live in the status quo.
• Communicate openly: If you’re looking for more than what the situationship is offering, it’s crucial to communicate your feelings and expectations. Have a candid conversation about where you stand and where you’d like things to go. And be okay with any response.
• Be honest with yourself: Ask yourself if this situationship is truly fulfilling your needs. If not, it might be time to move on and seek a relationship that aligns with your desires. I promise, you’ll be okay.

6. When to Walk Away

Sometimes, the best thing you can do is walk away. It’s not easy, especially if you’ve developed real feelings, but staying in a state of uncertainty can prevent you from finding the committed relationship you truly want. As a note—an important note—walking away doesn’t mean you’ve failed. Quite the opposite, in fact. It means you’ve recognized your worth and chosen to prioritize your happiness. Being with someone isn’t the end goal. Being happy is.

7. Turning a Situationship into a Relationship

If you’re hoping to turn a situationship into a more committed relationship, you have to have an honest conversation about your intentions. Be clear about what you want, and give the other person the opportunity to express their feelings. While there’s no guarantee that they’ll want the same thing (in fact, chances are slim or else it likely would have turned into something before), being upfront can help you both determine if you’re on the same page.

Some final thoughts:

Situationships are a reflection of two things: our current dating culture (fluid, fast-paced, and often undefined) and some people’s interest in keeping someone around because something feels better than nothing… and the other person’s acceptance of that.

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I recently shared a great example of how to ask someone out on a second date. After the first date with someone new, the guy (in this case) messaged my client (a woman) starting with a quick inside joke about the meeting: “Saw you finally, albeit only after you found me,” referencing who spotted whom first.

He continued, “Thanks again for a lovely evening. It was a pleasure to meet you and start to get to know you a little bit. I’m definitely excited to see you again and learn more. Perhaps Wednesday or next Sunday if your schedule permits.”

Let me tell you why this is a perfect first date follow-up:

1. It does a great job of telling the person that he had a great time on the date and is very interested in meeting again.
2. The message gives a few options for dates to get together again but with flexibility.
3. It’s short and to the point.
4. It allows an opt-out in case my client didn’t want to see him again.

Direct and honest communication is such an overlooked yet simple tactic in dating. This message had no ambiguity (leaving the other person wondering, “Did he like me?” or “Does he want to see me again?”) but also didn’t force a second date — it expressed the person’s intentions and hopes but left room for a reply or other ideas.

Another great way to text someone about a second date is by coming up with a suggestion based on something you found to have in common. If it turns out that they’re an air hockey champ, maybe you suggest heading to the arcade for a face-off.

Another client recently asked me, “One place where I struggle is where/when/how to ask for a second date. Do I do it during the first date or over text later?” And here is how I answered: “Over text later. Say at the end of the date, ‘I had a great time and would love to do it again. I’ll be in touch tomorrow.’ It gives her a night to think about it, and then it makes you a man of your word when you actually get in touch tomorrow. Win-win.”

But remember that no matter how well-crafted a message asking someone out on a second date is, sometimes the sparks just aren’t there. When this happens, it’s important to let the other person know and not ghost, or ignore, them. You can write a simple message like, “It was nice meeting you the other night, but unfortunately, I didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for. I wish you all the best.” Like the second date ask, it’s direct and honest, leaving no room for speculation or “What did they mean by that?”

Of course, I’m hoping these two go on that second date — in fact, I want everyone to go on the second date if you’re even on the fence about it. First dates can be nerve-wracking, and a second date might be where you both relax a little bit more and go beyond surface-level conversations, getting to know each other better. The outcomes of a second date are undeniably win-win: you either are pleasantly surprised at how well it goes, or you confirm for yourself 100% that this person is not a match. Who knows? You might be figuring out the best message to plan a third date.

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To avoid ghosting, stalls in conversation, and some of the other pitfalls, I’ve created these templates/scripts for common situations we’ve all come across. They work because they hold the other person accountable while pushing the relationship forward — or make it very clear that it’s time to move on.

The line: “Thanks so much for a nice time [the other night]. Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for, but I wish you nothing but the best!”

When to use: After a first date where the other person asks you out again, but you don’t want to go.

No one likes to be ghosted (when someone ignores or drops off from the other person without any explanation), so it’s always best to be straightforward when you didn’t feel a connection and have no intention of seeing someone again. This template lets the other person know where you stand while still being kind and allows them to feel open to pursue other options. Be aware that some people don’t always take the news well. Still, it’s better than leaving someone wondering, “Are we going to see each other again?”

The line: “I just wanted to check back in and see if you still wanted to connect.”

When to use: After you’ve had a solid back-and-forth conversation on the app but the other person drops off.

There’s nothing more frustrating than a conversation seemingly going well only for the other person to disappear into thin air. This template allows you to follow up with the person without appearing overly eager, disappointed, or frustrated. After all, life happens — maybe the person had a busy work week or personal matters to attend to, meaning dating apps took a temporary backseat. This message can reopen the conversation. However, if they still don’t respond, you have your signal to move on.

The line: “Hey! I really enjoyed chatting with you, but I can’t tell from our messages if you’re looking to meet (again). Let me know your thoughts.”

When to use: After a first date when you would like to see the other person again, but the other person continues to text as if interested with no indication of meeting again.

It’s a common annoyance for people using dating sites: they want a relationship, not a pen pal. With this line, you’re putting the ball in their court: would you like to go on another date or not? The right connection should be excited to see you again — and make time in their schedule to do so.

The line: “It’s been good. I’ve met some interesting people! Just looking for the right connection.”

When to use: When someone asks, “How’s this app treating you?” or “How’s online dating going for you?”

It’s a common question during the early stages of messaging (though I wish it weren’t), but don’t use it as an invitation to complain about the bad first dates or the people who clearly were using pictures from 10 years ago on their profiles. For now, keep it positive. This message answers the question while looking ahead by clearly stating what you’re hoping to get out of the experience. Hopefully, the other person is looking for the same.

The line: “It’s a date.”

When to use: Once you’ve finalized the date, time, and location of your meeting.

It’s short, simple, sweet, and puts a nice punctuation mark on your conversation about meeting in person. “It’s a date” also reiterates your goal: a first date where you get to know each other better and see if there’s a connection. I also recommend messaging or texting the day before/the morning of the date to confirm that you’re still on and exchanging phone numbers in case plans suddenly change.

It’s not always easy to communicate in the digital world, and all of us have misunderstood the tone behind a text or read an email without a hint of sarcasm where it was intended by the sender. That’s why these messages are helpful — they’re direct to help you get the answers you need without becoming aggressive or possessive. Having these lines in your back pocket will come in handy, saving you the stress of composing the perfect message and moving the relationship where it needs to go… even if that place is nowhere. It’s better to know, right?

The post 5 Scripts to Have in Your Online Dating Arsenal — When to Use Them and Why They Work appeared first on .

They continued messaging each other, trying to find out a time to get together again — but had trouble finding a day that worked for both of them. When they finally agreed on meeting the next day, she suggested playing mini golf, to which he asked to do something less active since he had a hectic day and another busy one tomorrow. When she responded by asking for a good location for him to meet, she was surprised when he replied by saying that their time had passed and wished her luck.

“I can’t help but feel like he took his bad day out on me,” she said. “I am curious what changed in such a short window.”

Here’s what I told her: “I understand your frustration, but casual to him meant easy, and when the planning became more complicated, he decided it wasn’t worth it to him.”

I added that this might have been a blessing in disguise. While she wanted a long-term relationship, at least ultimately, he made it clear that he couldn’t (or wasn’t willing to) provide that. I told my client that I was glad that he cut things off because she wants more than he can give — even if it does feel confusing and disappointing in the short term.

People often say they want honesty, both in a relationship and before that in the dating stage. But when someone is truthful about what they want, you have little choice but to believe them — and then it’s up to you to decide if that’s what you’re truly looking for. 

The seriousness of a relationship is just one thing that people may not see eye-to-eye about. If a person isn’t willing to travel for dates, then you have to be okay with being the one to make some extra effort to see them. Or not. If someone says they can’t afford certain things, then you have to take that into consideration. The bottom line is this: if someone says they can’t or won’t do something, you can’t expect them to do it.

I believe that dating shouldn’t be a matter of convenience — just because someone is easy to spend time with doesn’t mean they’re worth that time. Back to my client from the beginning: She was clearly putting more effort into the situation, and as soon as things weren’t simple (despite her best efforts to accommodate him), he called it off. While she could have had a nice time with this man for a few months, he made it clear that he wasn’t ready for a full-blown relationship. After a few months of dating, he still might not want to take things to the next level (after all, he did say that). Therefore, the time she continued spending with him — maybe had they lived closer or if their schedules aligned better — she could have instead been with someone looking for the same thing as her (and someone who jumped at the chance to play mini golf!). I know there is someone out there who is ready for a strong relationship and will happily join her at mini golf — and that’s who is worth putting the time and effort into.

The post “I Can’t” Means “I Can’t” & “I Won’t” Means “I Won’t” appeared first on .

Pro: People are generally happier in the summer.

I know it’s not only me who sometimes struggles with the idea of getting dressed and leaving the house during the coldest months of the year — just bundling up in a winter coat seems like a chore. But when the temperature rises, people want to go out and do things, which includes meeting for dates. Plus, there’s a general sense of ease and excitement brought on by the warm weather, lessened work schedules, and an assortment of activities available.

Con: It’s travel season.

Many people use their vacation time in the summer months — which is great, except for when you’re trying to find a time to meet someone you’ve connected with online. Everyone has a busy schedule, and the warm weather months might make agendas even more packed than usual, even with time off from work. 

Pro: You have more time off.

All those vacation days and summer Fridays might just come in handy. While vacations might make meeting a little tricky sometimes, having a lighter workload — as many do in the summer months — will give your mind the ability to focus a bit more on dating. Even if meeting is difficult, it gives you plenty of time to freshen up your bio, take new photos, and spend some extra time swiping and chatting with potential matches. 

Con: It’s notoriously “fling” season.

The casual nature of summer sometimes spills over into the dating world — there’s a reason “cuffing” season isn’t June through August. Summer flings can be romantic and exciting — but they can also leave you heartbroken when the back-to-school ads take over. The best way to avoid that is to be upfront about your expectations for the relationship, and if that’s a serious one, everyone will be aware off the bat.

Pro: There’s no shortage of date ideas.

While dates are limited in many areas due to weather in the winter months, there are practically no limits to the fun activities you can do in the summer. Meet at a beach bar (or the actual beach, depending on where you live), play a round of mini golf, take the dogs on a walk in the park, spend a date at the amusement park… not to mention all the gatherings with friends and family that are enhanced by a plus-one. And if you want to stay indoors, movies, dinner, and happy hour are still options.

At the end of the day, there is no bad or good time to date based on a calendar — it should be based on you. Are you ready? Do you have the time to explore your dating options? Are you stressed about work or personal matters? Then it may be a good time to take a break from dating apps and give yourself some grace. But if you’re excited to dip your toe into the dating pool (see what I did there?), then go for it. There is no reason to wait until a certain month to find a meaningful relationship.

The post Is Summer a Good Season for Dating? The Pros and Cons of Warm Weather Wooing appeared first on .

“What’s your advice on getting back into the dating pool after a breakup? Is there a certain amount of time one should wait? Or, is it a case of getting back on the horse right after falling off? My heart was broken recently… and my friends are telling me to get back out there and date. My walls have been built back up again and I don’t know if I can date anyone right now. What would you recommend?”

I feel this question. I know this simple statement doesn’t do it justice, but breakups are hard. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the one who initiated it or you’re the recipient of the bad news—it’s never easy. Here’s what I said in response to the question: 

“You know yourself best. If the thought of getting back out there makes your stomach churn, then take a break. It’s important to mourn relationships and not use other people as a Band-Aid to help you get there. Getting over someone can, and will, take time. But I would not rush back out there because other people tell you that’s what you should do. Listen to your body.”

In the end, there is no formula for this. I believe that after every relationship ends, there are two components in order to help get past it: time, and eventually someone else. But that ratio differs for everybody. Sometimes it feels like you should be ready before you are. And sometimes the shorter relationships take longer to get past than the longer ones. It’s not always rational, but that’s okay. 

Instead of focusing on a specific timeline, pay attention to your own emotional readiness. Take the time to assess if you’ve truly moved on from your previous relationship, if you feel comfortable being alone, and if you’re ready to invest in a new partnership. Trust your instincts. It’s important to ensure that you’re entering a new relationship from a place of emotional stability and clarity, not loneliness or as a way to fill a void. 

In my experience with clients—and myself—I would also encourage you to cut off contact, at least for the near future, with your ex. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns or gain false hope of a reconciliation if the lines of communication are still open. As hard as it feels in the moment, using the “block” button on social media or deleting a contact can really help the process along. 

And then, when you start to feel curious about other people again, that’s when it’s time to get out there. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are taking “too long” to get over someone. There is no right or wrong amount of time. Unfortunately, sometimes that advice comes from friends feeling uncomfortable seeing you sad. A relationship is a big part of your life, and you should mourn it as you choose. 

While you’re in the healing process, go back to things that make you happy as a person. Day by day, you’ll start to feel more like yourself. After any relationship of mine ended, I made a point to find a new “thing”—after one breakup, I got into storytelling on stage. After another, it opened me up to moving to a new city I always wanted to try. And one left me with impeccable taste in balsamic vinegar! It’s okay to take the best from each relationship and then build new parts of yourself around it. We are always growing and evolving, even in the sadness. 

Lastly, remember that it’s not only okay but it’s encouraged to focus on your own growth, enjoy your own company, and when the time is right, embrace the opportunity to create a new and fulfilling romantic chapter in your life. 

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Psychologists Martin Seligman and Gregory McClell Buchanan have studied how people explain the events that take place in their lives. How might we explain the man who was rude to us on the bus? Or the results of the beauty pageant we answered? Or the date that ended in awkward silence and a rushed goodbye? We might gather input from past events, our knowledge of the people involved, or we might ask friends and family members to explain events, too. But when it comes down to it, Seligman and Buchanan developed three parameters in which we explain certain events. Together, these parameters make up our “explanatory styles,” which determine the way we reflect on failure, success, and the occasional awkward date. 

(Interested in reading more about this? The books Learned Optimism and Explanatory Style are two great places to start!) 

Based on the parameters Seligman and Buchanan have developed, we make assumptions about what the next event, i.e. date, will look like. You know what they say about assuming, right? So let’s take a look at Seligman and Buchanan’s explanatory styles. You may find that shifting your perspective makes your next date a lot more exciting. 

Stable vs. Unstable (Permanence) 

Let’s say you go on a date and it ends poorly. You text friends, who aren’t very encouraging. They say things like, “dating sucks.” “Dating is never fun.” “Men will always be immature.” You’re not going to look forward to the next date if you’re always going to run into bad dates!

We can see an event as stable, meaning that it’s permanent. Or, we can see an event as unstable, which means it’s temporary. People who believe that situations are stable may have a fixed mindset, in which growth is limited and things rarely change. 

No one wants to go on a date they know is going to be bad. And truthfully? The only way you can be sure that a date will be bad is if you have a time machine. Your dating life can change as you grow and learn about yourself. Your dating life can change because you start dating men, or you start dating women, or you start dating both! There are a million different ways to approach dating and change how you go on dates. So really, is the status of your dating life ever permanent?

Global vs. Local (Pervasive)

Let’s say you go on a date with a person who is interested in video games. They’re slow to text back, not great at communicating before your date, and spend the evening talking only about video games. How do you explain this dud of a date? Do all people who play video games only have interest in this hobby, or is this one person’s inability to take their mind off their Xbox? 

We can see an event as global, or applicable across the globe. Or, we can see it as local, something that only takes place in one location, one area of your life, or on one date with one person. People with a global perspective of failure may get rejected from a person and believe that all people will reject them. 

This explanatory style can lead people to make fascinating, puzzling, and downright disturbing assumptions about people they go on dates with and those who share something in common with them. I’ve heard it all. All potential matches named Matt are destined to be liars and cheaters. All women over a size six don’t take care of themselves. All African-American men grew up in a certain culture, and the cultural differences make them less attractive. I know these statements are hard to read, but they are all things I’ve heard from individual clients. Does this mean all of my clients have prejudices, unfair biases, or should switch up their explanation style? No, it doesn’t. Every one of the eight billion people on this planet are unique. We all make different choices, live different lifestyles, and see the world differently. If we can attribute one or two bad dates to individuals, rather than an entire population, suddenly the dating pool becomes more exciting. 

Internal vs. External (Personal) 

Let’s say you are excited to go on a date, but on the way, you encounter bad traffic. Then, the doorman at the bar gives you a hard time about your license picture. You realize that there is gum stuck to your shoe and you forgot your umbrella, which is a shame because it’s pouring outside. Are you still going to be excited for your date? 

We can attribute a person’s behavior on a date to internal factors, like their disposition and character. Or, we can attribute a person’s behavior on a date to external factors, like the weather or the time of day or an infinite number of other events that play into getting ready for a date. We can also look internally for the cause of a bad date (i.e. we did something wrong on the date; there is something wrong with us). Or, we can look externally. 

Depending on how you view a bad date, you could walk away feeling terrible about yourself, terrible about the other person, or terrible about the conditions that made what could have been a great date, a bad one. You can see a pattern here. How you think about your bad date is all in how you explain it to yourself. 

At the end of the day, we might not know everything that caused a bad date. What we do know is that we have control over how we approach dating in the future. The next time you find yourself driving home from a bad date, reflect on the different explanatory styles. What are the different ways you can explain a bad date? And as you look at these different styles, think about how these explanations make you feel more or less optimistic about future dates. Optimists see events as having unstable, local, and external causes. Pessimists see events as having stable, global, and internal causes. 

Come back to this article after you reflect on your next date. Are you feeling more hopeful, open to opportunity, and optimistic? That means you’re on the right track. 

The post How to Explain a Bad Date, With Help from Psychology  appeared first on .

There’s an important period in a relationship that’s often overlooked in online dating: the point between finding an interesting profile and actually meeting in person. While there is an art to crafting an interesting opening message — although anything more exciting than “Hey” or “How’s it going?” will often suffice — keeping the conversation going can often be a challenge.

Recently on Reddit, the online forum where people can anonymously chat about practically anything, someone posed a great question: “What kills your attraction in the ‘talking’ phase?”

Some of the responses were:

“Not talking enough. The entire point of a date is to get to know each other which is pretty hard if I may as well be talking to a brick wall.”

“When they’re incapable of making full conversations. People who constantly ask hru/wyd again and again make me lose interest VERY fast.” (Text speak be gone!)

“Not asking me questions. It shows me they’re not genuinely interested in getting to know me. I ask questions. I like it when it’s more conversational.”

“If I’m putting in more effort than the person to keep the conversation going. Especially if I always have to initiate or say, ‘Hi’ first.”

“Mind games. What I loved about my husband is he didn’t care how much he texted or called, just because he enjoyed talking to me and wasn’t afraid to show it.”

Five different answers that make different points but come to very similar conclusions: it’s all about putting effort into the conversation.

While online dating, it’s expected that you may be talking to multiple people at once, getting to know each other and seeing if meeting for a date is in the cards. However, the same conversation won’t work for each of the people you’re texting with. You have to give each person special attention, asking information based on each profile or pictures that show you paid attention… and you’re not confusing this person with another potential match.

The other consistent feeling is that no one wants to carry the whole conversation on their shoulders. Make sure you’re starting the conversation at least half of the time, showing that the chat is not one sided and you’re interested in actually getting to know the other person better. Man or woman, everyone loves to see a text or email come in from someone they’re interested in — and not worry about if they have been ghosted.

Some other turn-offs listed on the Reddit thread included “being boring or being negative” and talking poorly about an ex — both completely understandable objections. After all, if someone you are just getting to know can’t be excited to get to know you, how can you ever build a meaningful relationship? The lesson here is simple: stay positive.

Another person replied that a turn-off was “taking way too long to actually meet after weeks of texting/calls.” You can only get to know a person so much without physically being together, so why wait? (Or these days, at least a video call.) If you’re excited about messaging someone, don’t wait too long before asking them out on a date.

Of course, the “talking phase” has been extended for many potential couples due to coronavirus. While not being able to go on an in-person meetup provides a great chance to communicate and get to know each other without worrying about what to wear on your first date, there’s a challenge in keeping that chat interesting. As the dating scene returns to normal, just remember the basics: be interested, stay positive, and don’t go into a deep dive (or even a shallow one) on your ex.

The post The “Talking-Phase” Turn-Offs appeared first on .

I did something recently that I don’t usually do—I tried to prove myself wrong.

As a dating coach, the advice I give is what I know to work. Even if it works 90% of the time, I’ll still advise it. Especially since I can’t, of course, control how other people react.

If you’ve been reading my column long enough, you’ll know that I often call texting “the death of the first date” or “the place where dates go to die.” (I’m not usually this morbid. Promise.) So at one point, as I managed my own Bumble account, I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was chatting someone who, after a few messages back and forth about our dogs and weekend plans, asked for my number. Actually, he said, “Maybe you’d like to meet up?” (While I’m glad he asked, I have a personal pet peeve with the “up.” Are you trying to make it seem more casual? I’d just like to meet. Period.) Regardless, I replied, “That sounds nice!” Then, he asked, “Why don’t you shoot me your number?”

Normally, I would advise a client to say, “You know, it actually helps me stay organized to arrange the details on here, but I’m happy to plan something for this weekend.” It works like a charm. It pushes for the date while keeping the communication on the dating app so the conversation doesn’t go into the texting abyss, as it so often does.

But I decided to use this as an opportunity to re-assess my views. I realize that this sample size of one cannot draw conclusions, yet the behavior I saw was exactly as I predicted it would be:

Him: Hey this is your bumble prince [The lack of punctuation when writing to a writer is not lost on me.]

Me: Can you really be my Bumble prince if you don’t have an iPhone? [His texts were green, meaning that we’re not using iMessage, meaning that he doesn’t have an iPhone.]

Him: Yes ma’am! I make up for it

Me: We will see!

Him: Haha I’m already getting judged

Me: Not at all.

Him: Just giving you a hard time!

Me: I got it!

Him: How’s your day going? [Note: This is where things always go downhill.]

Me: Super busy actually!! [Note: It was 1 PM on a weekday!]

Him: Ohh well then I can text you later

Me: Great!

After one more “How’s the day been??” three hours later, when I was still working, and I responded as such (though very nicely), he was never to be heard from again. Yes, I could have pushed things along if I wanted to. But I didn’t.

As I told a client yesterday, texting before a first date is like driving a new car off the lot—it depreciates immediately. I’d venture to say that once the phone number is given on the app, there’s a 60% chance that the first date will no longer happen. Why? People get lazy. They text, “How is your day?” vs. “Let’s confirm our plans for Sunday. How’s 4 PM in Shaw?” Or someone says something that gets misconstrued. Or someone sends something inappropriate. You might be thinking, “Wouldn’t I want to know if someone is like that before we meet?” Sure. But I still want you to just get to the date in order to make the assessment for yourself. 

So, as much as I wanted to prove myself wrong, I stand by my advice to keep the date planning on the dating apps and then only exchange numbers at the last minute for contingencies. People get in their own way without knowing it. Don’t let them.

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I was watching the TV show Transparent on Amazon Prime about a year ago, and one of the characters said something that stuck with me. As Entertainment Weekly recaps the episode, it says,

“Desire isn’t just about getting what you want. It’s about remaining, as Vicki describes it to Maura, ‘NATO — not attached to outcome.’”

The reason I love this NATO acronym is that it consolidates so much of the advice I give to clients in terms of how to view dating, not as a means to an end but more as a dynamic process. Not everyone will be “the one.” In fact, by definition, all but one will be this person. So many of my clients, wanting to find their future long-term partner or spouse, only have this one acceptable outcome in mind. And to them, they see anything short of that—which is most situations—as a failure. This is not how I recommend dating.

Instead, I recommend dating “not attached to outcome.” Not everyone will be compatible romantically, but does that mean that the whole experience was a waste of time? Of course not. For example, one of my best friends is someone I met on Tinder in 2014. Were he and I meant to get married? No. But we love having each other in our lives in a different capacity. Some dates might lead to business contacts… or tennis partners… or partners for our friends.

Many people think of point Z as the ultimate conclusion, whether that’s a long-term relationship or marriage. So, in dating, they have point Z in mind the whole time, trying to backfill into whether this person next to them drinking a glass of wine can fulfill that role. This mindset often causes dates to feel like interviews, which is not a pleasant way to spend an evening.

Rather, I would like people to start at point A—meeting a new person. Maybe that person will get to point D or maybe even point T but not make it all the way to Z. That’s okay. Maybe you needed a D or a T in your life. Try to be open to all the possibilities.

I send a survey to my clients after each date, and below are two of the more memorable ones recently:

“She told me she had a great time and we texted all the way from leaving the bar until we got home. There was a lot that I do like about her but not sure this is really an ideal match.“

“We have a ton in common and he would be great to do things with – but I didn’t feel any physical/sexual attraction. I think he would be a great friend but probably not my ideal partner/husband.“

Why were they memorable? Because these two people were trying to use the first date as a benchmark of future compatibility instead of simply having a good time and planning a second date to see if there is more of a connection. Remember that going on a second date with someone who is a “maybe” does not commit you to anything other than a second date! It’s not leading someone on to go on another date “just to see.” The whole point of dating is to see if there’s compatibility. Often, we simply can’t know that after one interaction. A NATO attitude would help here. And this advice is not limited to either gender.

So, continue going on your dates, but try to take the pressure off of yourself to assess everyone’s long-term compatibility. While that may be the ultimate goal, remember that there can be small wins in the process, if you’re willing to open yourself up to them.

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