As a dating coach, I’ve seen firsthand how recognizing warning signs early on can save you from heartache down the road. So, let’s delve into eight actual red flags to make note of when evaluating potential partners.

1. Unreliability: Imagine making plans for a date, only for your date to cancel 20 minutes before without a valid excuse… or fail to show up altogether. If this becomes a recurring pattern (although, I would keep my eyes open if it happens even once), it’s a clear indication that they likely don’t value your time or prioritize your relationship.

• A negative attitude (or blatant meanness) towards other people: While enjoying a night out together, your date criticizes the restaurant staff for minor mistakes or makes disparaging remarks about strangers within earshot. Pay attention to how they treat those around them because it can reveal underlying issues with empathy and respect for others.

• Controlling behavior: How would you feel if your partner insists on knowing your whereabouts at all times, monitors your interactions with friends and family, and becomes visibly upset when you assert your independence? These controlling tendencies, whether they stem from jealousy or something else, can escalate over time and lead to feelings of suffocation and resentment within the relationship. You’re allowed to have your own friends and your own life. In fact, it’s essential to maintaining a healthy balance.

• Refusal to compromise: Despite your efforts to find common ground and make decisions together, whether it’s as simple as what to order on a menu or as large as how you do your work, this person dismisses your preferences and insists on having their own way. Healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise, thrive on respect and compromise, so be wary of partners who refuse to meet you halfway.

• Inconsistent Treatment: Your partner showers you with affection and attention one moment, only to withdraw and become distant without explanation. Some might call it breadcrumbing. Whatever it is, it’s confusing and unsustainable. Their inconsistent behavior leaves you feeling confused and unsure of where you stand in the relationship. You shouldn’t have to live like that, wondering which version of this person you’re going to get on any given day.

• Avoidance of accountability: Essentially, can they acknowledge your point of view and apologize if necessary? When conflicts arise, do they deflect blame onto others or refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Of course, it’s never their fault! Instead of addressing issues head-on, they make excuses or shift the focus away from their behavior, making it hard to resolve conflicts and build trust.

• Disregard for boundaries: You express discomfort with certain behaviors, but someone continues to push your limits without consent. Whether it’s crossing physical, emotional, or personal boundaries, this lack of respect can erode trust and lead to feelings of resentment.

• Intense early attachment: Call it “love bombing” if you like, but someone declares their love for you early in the relationship, through actions or words, and talks about a future together before you’ve had the chance to truly get to know each other as individuals. Feeling infatuated in the early stages of dating might seem normal, but be aware of partners who rush into commitment without allowing the relationship to develop organically. Some people call this “future faking” also.

Noticing and addressing these dating red flags is essential for protecting your emotional well-being and ensuring a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Notice I didn’t say “looking for red flags”—big difference. Trust your instincts, communicate openly with your partner, and don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a trusted professional if you have concerns about your relationship. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you for who you are.

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During my latest “Ask Erika Monday” session on Instagram (have questions of your own or curious about what people are wondering in their own dating lives? Join me next week!), I got a message from someone who was very frustrated by the men she’s met recently.

“I feel so deflated — every guy this year has just messed me up. How to deal?” they asked.

I answered, “If *every* guy has messed you up, then it is definitely time to look internally — probably with the help of a great therapist. No one gets the right to ‘mess you up’ without your consent.”

I shared a list of questions for this person, and anyone else who was feeling similarly, to ask themselves.

• Are you entering situations that you know are not good for you?
• Are you holding onto people for too long?
• Are you determining your value based on what other people think of you?
• Are you accepting the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve more?
• Are you projecting experiences from the past onto new people, thereby repeating history?

There will always be outside influences out of our control, but it is important to realize that how you react to situations is 100% your responsibility. And at the start of the new year, maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself and figure out ways to ensure you’re not repeating behaviors that are keeping you from finding your match.

Of course, sometimes this can’t be done alone. Luckily, there are many resources available to help. If seeing a therapist doesn’t work with your budget or schedule, you might want to look into some of the more affordable online therapy sites that offer personalized, virtual counseling to work through some of the questions outlined above. A few options include:

• BetterHelp
• Talkspace
• Open Path Collective
• 7 Cups
• Regain

Practicing meditation, journaling, or opening up to close friends can also help you understand why relationships have been difficult for you and if there are patterns that might be holding you back.

There’s a bad apple in every bunch, but when every apple is rotten, it’s time to recognize why… and maybe find your fruit elsewhere. By growing yourself, you can get the apples from the top branches instead of the ones that have already fallen on the ground.

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This guy clearly hadn’t looked at his own profile in a while, and that was to the detriment of everyone.  

There are a few reasons why keeping your profile up to date is important. First, outdated references can make for awkward moments. What if this was the scenario above instead? You see someone talk about their dog and you’re also a big pet lover, so you send a message asking specifically about the pup… only to hear that the dog died months ago. I can’t think of a worse start to a conversation. Or that it was a neighbor’s dog… from your apartment building five years ago. 

As another example, seeing an outdated COVID reference (bragging about your ability to procure a roll of toilet paper, for example) — or even a movie that came out six years ago — can make the person reading the bio wonder if there’s even a person on the other side of the screen. If they’re not updating their profile, maybe they’re not checking the account at all? And if they’re not checking their account, is there even a point in sending a message? Who knows what you could both be missing when that happens?

Every three to six months, give your profile a quick read and refresh. Take out references to holidays that have passed (it seems random to bring up your New Year’s resolutions in July), trips you had planned, or any other obsolete information. Replace it with something new — the bucket list vacation you did, the cooking class you completed, the cat you recently adopted, or the book club you just joined — to make sure that the person reading your profile is getting to know the you from today rather than five years ago.

In addition to updating your bio, also take a look at your photos. Does it still look like you, or did your appearance shift? Maybe you got a major hair makeover or your body changed? Again, your profile should sound like — and look like — you today. So if you’ve shaved a beard or dyed your hair blonde in recent months, your photos should reflect that. Your profile deserves frequent updates to keep it in top shape — and increase your chances of getting messages that turn into dates.

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More often than I wish to see (which is ever), profiles are filled with what a person is not looking for in a partner, what they don’t like to do, or what they won’t tolerate in a relationship. If I asked the authors of these bios what they are trying to achieve with these statements, they might argue that they are trying to rule out anyone who doesn’t align with their values or interests. While they think they are saving time by being frank about their beliefs, they’re actually cutting out not just those who don’t perfectly match with them but also those who might… but are left with a bad taste in their mouth by the profile’s pessimism. 

Instead of focusing on the “don’ts,” “can’ts,” and “won’ts” in your profile, it’s best to turn those into positive statements. Need some examples? 

Negative: “I do not want a relationship with someone who has different religious beliefs/political views than mine.”

Positive: “My religious beliefs/political views are important to me, and I would like to share that part of my life with a partner.”

No one is saying that you have to amend your religious beliefs or political views while seeking out a partner. However, there are many couples who don’t align 100% on these issues yet have a happy, fulfilling relationship. Moreover, stating in a hostile way that you are not open to anyone who has different thoughts on these subjects makes you sound close-minded, which may push away even those who do share your beliefs. It’s better to state that these are important values to you, which may be appealing to someone who feels the same without seeming gloomy.

Negative: “I won’t tolerate a relationship with someone who spends hours in front of the TV every day.”

Positive: “I like to spend my free time outdoors as much as possible — hiking, walking my dog, or just sitting on a park bench in the fresh air.”

Maybe you’re not a big TV show and movie person (just like some people aren’t foodies, others aren’t into having pets, and there are those who don’t enjoy extensive travel). Instead of focusing on what you don’t like to do, talk about the hobbies and interests you do have. That way, you’ll have a much better chance of attracting people who share your enjoyment of those activities while keeping your profile optimistic.

Negative: “I can’t deal with someone with a lot of baggage.”

Positive: “I understand we all have a past, but I want to focus on the future.”

The “no drama” or “no baggage” people crack me up because we all have exes, past relationships, family matters… the list goes on. (Do people really think that someone signs up for a dating app without any history?) Since most people are not looking to bring turmoil into their life, they want things to be easy — which is something successful relationships are decidedly not. Instead of pretending that there’s someone out there without their own past, it’s best to acknowledge that you’re looking to build a bright, new chapter with someone special.  

I would encourage you to read your own dating profiles and look for any “cons” that can you turn into “pros.” They’ll give your bio an instant makeover that is lighter, more pleasant, and inviting — resulting in more interest. While it’s tempting to try and “rule out” people who you know aren’t your type, you may be unintentionally rebuffing the perfect match too.

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December 26, 2021

A client sent me a text recently asking,

“Can I ask you? Why am I still single? In your opinion? Maybe I’m not putting enough effort in? I want love to find me! Arghhh!”

I actually get questions like this more often than one might think. I replied, “This sounds like a question that can’t be answered over text! You’ve obviously had relationships, so you’re not ‘still’ single. I have no doubt you could be with someone right now—many people. But you’re not looking to just be with someone; you want someone great. And that connection takes time.”

When dating—whether you’ve been single for a month, a year, or 10 years—it’s important to remember a few key things:

1. You’re not “still” single. Let’s abolish “still” from our thinking, meaning you are lacking or somehow behind in life. You are not. Instead, let’s try “single and available” or “single and looking.” That has a much more positive connotation. Along those lines, it’s important to stop viewing being single as something to fear or fix.

2. Love will not just find you. Just like when searching for a job, a new job will not come knocking at your door. Neither will love… unless there’s a cute UberEats delivery person. Finding a great partner takes time and effort.

3. The goal is not to find just any partner. The goal is to find the right partner. Don’t be in a relationship just for the sake of being in a relationship. I can’t imagine a worse fate than committing to someone just to be with someone or to overcome societal pressure.

4. Stop comparing yourself to friends. Your friends have different criteria and standards than you do. I love my friends, but I wouldn’t have necessarily chosen the spouses/partners they chose… and that’s okay! This is not a race to be won.

5. Try to enjoy being single. No one is meant to complete you; someone should only complement you. Plus, being in a relationship will not make you happy. That’s your responsibility. So try to look inward, do the things you love, and become the best version of yourself. That, in turn, will make you a better catch for someone in the future. And remember, when you’re single, you can kiss anyone you want… barring Omicron, of course!

All of that said, let’s go back to point #2—dating, and subsequently, finding love takes time and effort. So what should you be doing with that time in order to get yourself out there? While it seems obvious, online dating is a great place to start. And I don’t mean just slapping up a profile and expecting great things. I mean taking your time to choose the best pictures you have (I recommend five total on all sites but Hinge, which requires six), crafting a profile that represents the unique person you are (and never leaving the profile section blank!), and proactively swiping, sending messages, etc.

You could also join a MeetUp group for something you’re interested in, like hiking or painting or dining out. Or ask your friends to start telling you when they find interesting events in the area so you can tag along.

In the end, being single isn’t an enemy or a curse. Rather, it’s an opportunity to better yourself, figure out what you’re looking for, and then set out to find it. 

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On Valentine’s Day, many people reflect on the fact that they are single and don’t necessarily want to be. (Side note: Being single is MORE than okay… sprawl out in bed, watch what you want on TV, and revel in the fact that your life is your own. Enjoy it!)

But, should you want to meet someone, while we obviously can’t control chemistry or the longevity of relationships, we can certainly control our approach to finding someone. Here are five tips on why you might be single and how you can change that:

1. You’re not using online dating sites effectively. 

Almost daily, clients and friends alike complain about being single, yet when I ask what they’re doing to change that, I’m often met with a shrug, a blush, or a response of “not much, I guess.” Dating takes work! We can’t rely on serendipity. We can count on hard work… and even then, there’s no guarantee. What does “work” mean as it relates to dating? Once you have a profile up, you have to reach out to people… and then actually set up the dates. Swiping endlessly with no conversation will get you nowhere.

2. You have unrealistic expectations of how you should feel on/after a first date (and too strict criteria for going on a second).

I know everyone wants the fireworks or the elusive “spark,” but when nerves come into play, it’s often difficult to gauge how well you might get along with someone. The first date should not determine whether you can spend your future with someone. Rather, it should simply be a chance to see if you have some rapport. And the criteria I advise for a second date is, “Do I want to have one more conversation with this person?” If the answer is yes, or even maybe, then I encourage a second date. Take some pressure off of yourself to “feel it” immediately. 

3. You’re not holding yourself to the standard of the person you’re looking for.

Are you looking for someone fit and active? Then it will help to be fit and active yourself. Someone who reads 15 books a year? Then you better get cracking on that reading list! I see clients all the time who have a wish-list, but they don’t look inward to see what they have to offer to a partner. Ask yourself, “Would I want to date me?” If the answer is no, then it’s time for some self-improvement.

4. You complain about dating a lot.

Yes, dating can be frustrating. But talking about how frustrating it is all the time is not a turn-on, especially on a date itself. Try to stay positive, and if you can’t, take a hiatus from dating until you can.

5. You’re not putting your best foot forward.

I meet with many clients in person. When I see how they present themselves, I sometimes ask, “Is that what you’d wear on a date?” or “Would you be chewing gum like that on a date?” (I definitely practice tough love.) I’m often met with, “No — I knew I wasn’t planning on seeing anyone today I’m trying to impress.” While perhaps true, we are always presenting ourselves… at a coffee shop, at the gym, or on a date. Remember this: first impressions can’t be redone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, whether single, coupled, or something in between, just know that I’m in your corner.

Love,

Erika

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January 15, 2020

I just got off the phone with a potential client. She’s in her mid-60s, lives in Chicago, is accomplished, and wants to find a partner now that she’s been divorced for a number of years. All of this sounds par for the course in terms of my regular clientele. Most people I work with are in the same predicament: divorced or widowed and looking to spend the rest of their lives with a loving partner.

Where the conversation took a turn, though, was when this woman (we’ll call her Susan) said to me, “I hate dating.” When someone makes such a strong comment, I immediately ask why they came to that conclusion. Too often it’s because of one bad experience. People tend to overlook the good and even ‘meh’ experiences when it comes to dating and only remember the negative ones. Such is life.

But her response wasn’t actually about one terrible date, as I thought it would be. Rather, she said, “It’s too time-consuming.” This is something I hear all the time, too. Online dating can often feel like a full-time job, which is often why some clients decide to use my services. I can take the work out of the process for them so that all they have to do is go on the dates.

But that also wasn’t what she was saying. She was saying that going on the dates themselves takes too much time! She went on to say, “I just want to be in a relationship. I hate dating!” Despite my best efforts to hold it in, I let out a little chuckle. I said, “You know every relationship has to start with a first date, right?” “Well, yes.” “And there’s no way to just fast forward to the relationship part without the dating part.”

This is where a lot of people get confused. In their minds, dating is a means to an end, that “end” being the relationship. But I would say that the early stages of dating are the most important part of any eventual relationship. It’s where you get to learn about each other, meet each other’s friends, have a first kiss, and explore the world through someone else’s eyes. And you get to share things about yourself, perhaps things you’ve never shared with anyone else. (And remember dating NATO?)

Yes, being in a relationship can be comfortable… sitting on the couch and watching Netflix with someone special can be the best feeling in the world. But I would never advise anyone to forgo the initial anxieties and butterflies to get to Netflix-watching. You will have missed all of the things that make this other person special. And they won’t know these things about you.

I know that it can feel frustrating to share your story over and over again when you’re dating. But rather than looking at the process like something you have to slog through in order to get to a relationship, try to think of this part instead as necessary building blocks. Without those, any relationship (or building) will fall down. You need a solid base first. And that solid base comes from dating.

As I closed the call with Susan, I told her this: “You’re going to go on some bad dates. I promise you that. You’re also going to go on some great dates. No one can prevent any of that, but it’s a necessary part of the process to get to the outcome you’re looking for.” Think she’ll decide to work with me? Time will tell.

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I saw this meme recently:

I hear things like this almost daily from clients and friends alike. They complain about being single, yet when I ask what they’re doing to change that, I’m often met with a shrug, a blush, or the response, “Not much, I guess.”

I’m going to shout this in case you can’t hear me: DATING TAKES WORK. We all remember a story of the one couple we know who met on the airplane. That’s lovely, but it’s also an outlier. Or how about those people who happened to be at the same birthday party and can’t believe they’ve never met before? That’s lovely, too. But we can’t rely on serendipity. We can count on hard work… and even then, there’s no guarantee.

For some clients’ coaching sessions, what I do is have them come to my office—in person or virtually—with their dating app-equipped phone in hand. I first look at their activity, or lack thereof, on whichever app(s) or sites they are using. After I have momentary heart failure when I see how many new matches are listed (as in, you’ve both “swiped right” on each other, indicating that you like each other) with not a single conversation happening, we go through the app slowly but surely until it’s organized and efficient.

First, we clean out those matches. We look at the profile and decide whether to send a message or not. For the ones who don’t interest my client, we “unmatch” them (meaning, they are no longer listed as matches in the app), and for the ones who do, we send a short, often cheeky, message to catch that person’s attention.

Once this is done, we swipe a bit. I like the rule of thumb “50 swipes or 5 matches—whichever comes first.” (On the larger sites like Match.com, try to send at least 10 emails a week.) Once we get any new matches, we write to them immediately. Usually, by the end of the hour with a client, he or she will have a date lined up for that week. A little bit of work, either with my hand forcing it or not, to get a date or two lined up seems worth it to me. But people aren’t doing that.

I was once on a vacation with a friend of mine. She’s accomplished and beautiful. She often shares with me her frustrations with being single and dating. I love my friend dearly, but it gets grating, especially when she’s complaining to a dating coach! Anyway, on this trip, I saw her swiping through Bumble numerous times. More than numerous, actually. Sometimes she would show me a profile that was particularly egregious. But for all that swiping, I never saw her send a message to anyone. Not one. (Don’t worry—she knows how I feel about this, so I’m not “outing” her.) Unfortunately, this is how too many people do online dating… by not doing it. Whether it’s laziness, cluelessness, or a defense mechanism to then say, “I tried and it didn’t work,” I’ll never know.

I encourage you to do anything you want—dating or otherwise—in a strategic manner. If, for example, you need to find a new job, you take the time to put together your resume, maybe do some practice interviews, buy some new clothes, and send your resume out to as many appropriate positions as possible. People don’t browse job postings simply to see what’s out there, never send a resume, and then get upset that they haven’t gotten a job.

So much comes down to people realizing that anything in life that’s worth it takes effort, time, and hard work. As a coach, I get frustrated—perhaps more than my clients and friends who express their frustrations with being single to me—when someone has these amazing tools at his or her disposal and isn’t using them efficiently because “it’s hard” or “it should just happen.” If I waited for things to “just happen,” I’d be sitting in a cubicle at Fannie Mae right now, watching my life pass me by (oh wait, no windows). If I waited for things to “just happen,” I wouldn’t have had all of the wonderful dates and relationships I’ve had from various online dating sites. And, if I waited for things to “just happen,” I wouldn’t be writing this article right now.

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I can’t say I’ve ever read Marie Kondo’s “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up,” nor have I seen the uber-popular Netflix series that just came out. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t know what the craze is all about. Her contention is that by eliminating things from your life that don’t “spark joy,” you’ll not only be tidier, but you’ll also be happier. It makes perfect sense. I know that when I make my bed in the morning, I feel more at peace when I come home to a bed that’s ready for me to slink into. Or, when I take my clothes out of the dryer right away and fold them, I am happier than when I leave them in there for an extra day (or week?) to get cold and wrinkled. Now, we’re talking about “things” here. Things come into our lives for a certain period of time and sometimes significantly, but often unceremoniously, leave our lives.

In my work as a dating coach, I don’t deal with things; I work with people. Day in and day out, I see the inner workings of people, primarily in an emotional time in their lives—when they’re ready to meet a new partner. They want this partner to last their entire life, through thick and thin, sickness and health, teeth and dentures. I love this idea. My parents have been married for almost 40 years, which, in this day and age, is rare and beautiful. But how realistic is it? I know that I’m sharing my inner monologue here, but it’s something I think about often since I hear break-up and make-up stories every day.

So often, people consider anything short of a long-term relationship or marriage as a “failure.” Even when a relationship comes to fruition and does result in years of happiness or the “marriage” label, but then something, or nothing, happens to end that relationship, people still see the relationship itself—or even themselves—as less-than. That couldn’t be further from the truth, though. Just like many of the items Marie tells us to assess for that “joy” factor, they were perhaps once the most wonderful things, and now you may only have memories of them.

I have a dress I bought in 2008 when I was on a business school trip to India. My friend Sally and I bought matching ones, and I loved it beyond belief. It’s a tunic of sorts, but since she and I are both about 5’1, we wore it as a dress with leggings. It’s orange, and it has sequins on it. And a pattern. And so much flair. I wore that dress for years… until I didn’t. It’s not that I don’t like it anymore—quite the opposite—it’s just that tastes change. I have not applied the KonMarie method to that dress as of yet. Yes, it’s taking up space in my closet that could be devoted to something else—or nothing else—but I also don’t want to erase all of those years of joy. The reality of it, though, is that even if I donate the dress, it doesn’t erase those memories at all. In fact, I’d be ending the dress’ reign on a high note, rather than looking at it with disdain for the rest of my life because it’s something that I used to love but have no use for anymore.

Not all relationships are meant to go the distance. Some are, of course, but some run their course. That’s not inherently a bad thing. No, your marriage was not a failure if you were together for 10 years and made two beautiful children. It sparked a lot of joy in that time, did it not? It’s just that the joy, for whatever reason, ran its course. I’m not getting into the things one might do to potentially prevent this from happening—relationship counseling, date nights, etc.—but sometimes it’s inevitable.

So, no, we can’t KonMarie people (even if we want to sometimes), but we can assess people for the value they have—or had—in our lives. Relationships take work. Sometimes that work pays off, and sometimes, often through no fault of our own, it doesn’t. That’s okay. Something, or someone, new will bring joy into your life. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week or next year. But acknowledging something good for what it was is a great place to start.

We can’t clean out memories in the same way we want to clean out our closets, but that’s the beauty of life. It’s full of memories, some good and some bad, but they make us who we are. Kind of like my orange sequin dress.

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1. If you’re on a dating app, swipe 50 profiles a day. Yes, 50.

That way, you’re sure to at least stay active on the site and not forget about it for two weeks, but you won’t go into the rabbit hole of spending too much time each day using dating apps. It can become an addiction! A survey by dating app Badoo found that, on average, people spend about 90 minutes a day online dating, logging on 10 times a day for about nine minutes at a time. This seems like an obsession to me, and one that likely won’t lead to the desired outcome. Focus instead on swiping a certain number of people, getting some matches, and then writing to those matches. There’s no point in swiping into oblivion if you’re not going to have any dates come to fruition.

2. Read over your profile and revamp it as necessary.

A client of mine wrote to someone on Match.com the other day, saying, among other things, “From reading your profile, it sounds like you’re very aware of what’s gone right and wrong in your life and have learned from those experiences. That’s a great quality in a person.” The response she got was, “Alas, my profile was written ages ago—I’m afraid to read it now. I appreciate your thoughtful comment about it.” Don’t let this happen to you. Keep your profile accurate and current.

3. Go to one new social event a week.

Maybe it’s a business networking event, maybe a happy hour, or maybe just dinner with friends. Anything to get you “out there” will help with your goal of meeting someone. The one place you definitely won’t meet someone is on your couch. (Though, it’s not the end of the world to stare at some of those hotties on Netflix once in a while. I’m talking about you, Idris Elba.)

4. Say hi to someone new every day.

I know this is many an extrovert’s dream and an introvert’s nightmare. When you’re at Starbucks or your office or killing time at the DMV (which I’ve been putting off for a good six months), just look to your left or right, smile, and say “Hi.” A little bit of kindness goes a long way.

5. Break one rule.

Do you have any deal-breakers that might be negotiable after all? Maybe you’re a woman who’s always thought you wanted to be with someone at least 6-feet tall. (Why, oh why? Give some love to the shorter men.) Try lowering that by an inch or two. When you’re sitting down and… ahem… in bed, I’m pretty sure you won’t notice. Or, have you only been searching within, say, 10 miles of your zip code? Expand that to 20 or 30 to see who else comes across your path. You just never know.

Ultimately, just like most things that matter in life, meeting someone special takes work, and no one goes from Point A (single) to Point Z (in a long-term relationship) overnight. My goal is to help you get to Point B, then C, then eventually X, Y, and Z. Also remember that Z is not the only way to define “success.” If you see everything short of the ultimate goal as a failure, then it’s certainly going to be a long and painful process. Give yourself some credit for the baby steps!

For 2019, I have a few personal goals: Get more sleep, take my dog to the dog park more often, and drink more water. But, using my own advice, I’m going to amend them: Go to bed half an hour earlier three days a week, take Scruffy to the dog park every Saturday that I’m in town and it’s not raining, and carry a water bottle with me. See the difference? The first set of goals has no directions. The second set is actionable. Let’s do the same thing with dating.

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