As a dating coach, I’ve seen firsthand how recognizing warning signs early on can save you from heartache down the road. So, let’s delve into eight actual red flags to make note of when evaluating potential partners.

1. Unreliability: Imagine making plans for a date, only for your date to cancel 20 minutes before without a valid excuse… or fail to show up altogether. If this becomes a recurring pattern (although, I would keep my eyes open if it happens even once), it’s a clear indication that they likely don’t value your time or prioritize your relationship.

• A negative attitude (or blatant meanness) towards other people: While enjoying a night out together, your date criticizes the restaurant staff for minor mistakes or makes disparaging remarks about strangers within earshot. Pay attention to how they treat those around them because it can reveal underlying issues with empathy and respect for others.

• Controlling behavior: How would you feel if your partner insists on knowing your whereabouts at all times, monitors your interactions with friends and family, and becomes visibly upset when you assert your independence? These controlling tendencies, whether they stem from jealousy or something else, can escalate over time and lead to feelings of suffocation and resentment within the relationship. You’re allowed to have your own friends and your own life. In fact, it’s essential to maintaining a healthy balance.

• Refusal to compromise: Despite your efforts to find common ground and make decisions together, whether it’s as simple as what to order on a menu or as large as how you do your work, this person dismisses your preferences and insists on having their own way. Healthy relationships, romantic or otherwise, thrive on respect and compromise, so be wary of partners who refuse to meet you halfway.

• Inconsistent Treatment: Your partner showers you with affection and attention one moment, only to withdraw and become distant without explanation. Some might call it breadcrumbing. Whatever it is, it’s confusing and unsustainable. Their inconsistent behavior leaves you feeling confused and unsure of where you stand in the relationship. You shouldn’t have to live like that, wondering which version of this person you’re going to get on any given day.

• Avoidance of accountability: Essentially, can they acknowledge your point of view and apologize if necessary? When conflicts arise, do they deflect blame onto others or refuse to take responsibility for their actions? Of course, it’s never their fault! Instead of addressing issues head-on, they make excuses or shift the focus away from their behavior, making it hard to resolve conflicts and build trust.

• Disregard for boundaries: You express discomfort with certain behaviors, but someone continues to push your limits without consent. Whether it’s crossing physical, emotional, or personal boundaries, this lack of respect can erode trust and lead to feelings of resentment.

• Intense early attachment: Call it “love bombing” if you like, but someone declares their love for you early in the relationship, through actions or words, and talks about a future together before you’ve had the chance to truly get to know each other as individuals. Feeling infatuated in the early stages of dating might seem normal, but be aware of partners who rush into commitment without allowing the relationship to develop organically. Some people call this “future faking” also.

Noticing and addressing these dating red flags is essential for protecting your emotional well-being and ensuring a healthy, fulfilling relationship. Notice I didn’t say “looking for red flags”—big difference. Trust your instincts, communicate openly with your partner, and don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or a trusted professional if you have concerns about your relationship. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who respects and values you for who you are.

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What you write in your online dating profile requires careful thought — after all, it’s giving the reader (a potential match) the first impression of who you are and what you’re all about. But photos require an equal amount of attention, if not more.

People often have short attention spans on dating apps and websites. If it’s not immediately apparent who they’re looking at and deciding whether to talk to, they’ll likely move on to the next option. That’s why picking photos is so important — just one game of “Which person in the photo is it?” or apparent filter and they might give up.

Read on for five photos that should stay on your camera roll but off your dating profile:

1. Group Shots

I’ve heard people say that they use group shots in their profiles because they think it makes them look social. However, it quickly becomes a “Who am I looking at?” scenario, which can be frustrating. Even if someone finds you, group photos leave you open to comparisons — or, in the worst case, “Is your friend single?” Your dating profile is all about you, not your friends, so keep it focused on solo snaps.

2. Bathroom and Mirror Selfies

I get it — you just got your hair done, you’re feeling great, and the lighting is perfect. But no matter how good you look, there’s nothing that dampens the mood like a toilet in the background of a photo. (Nobody wants to think about that.) Mirror and bathroom selfies look immature and can be taken as vanity. And please, I’m begging you, no gym mirror selfies with your shirt off.

3. Snaps with Pets that Aren’t Yours

So your friend has an adorable Golden Retriever? That’s great. But if Fluffy isn’t yours, he shouldn’t be in your profile. It can be confusing when you have pictures with a dog and your profile reads “no pets.” Plus, it can stop a conversation in its tracks. When someone messages you with a question about the pet, then you share that it’s not yours, they might feel like they don’t know where to take the conversation since they thought they found something you have in common. But a selfie with a giraffe? Definitely profile-worthy.

4. Filtered or Heavily Edited Photos

Rule of thumb: your photos should look like you. Filters or edited pictures may get you more attention, but at the end of the day, they just lead to an uncomfortable first meeting when someone leaves feeling deceived. That also means anything that obstructs your face — sunglasses, masks, and hats, for example — should only make an appearance or two in your photos rather than all of them. Don’t hide yourself, either behind a filter or a hat.

5. Photos with Children

While you should definitely be truthful in your profile about having children, I wouldn’t recommend including them in your photos — it’s best to keep their images private. Furthermore, don’t include photographs of kids that aren’t yours, even if they’re family. In addition to sending mixed messages, I’m going to guess their parents won’t be thrilled to find their likeness on a dating app.

Like it or not, people are looking at your photos when deciding if they should connect online. I recommend that your first photo to be a clear profile shot of you smiling. You should also include a full-body photo as well as some pictures that show your interests — traveling, cooking, hiking, dancing — which make great conversation starters, or “message bait.”

At the end of the day, your photos are an extension of your profile, showing who you are and what you like to do. People want to know who they’re talking to, and anything that gets in the way of that might result in a left swipe.

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Anyone in the world of dating today, especially online and in apps, will tell you that there are a few words you may have to add to your vocabulary. By now, everyone knows about catfishing — pretending you’re somebody online who you’re not — but did you know there’s also practices called benching, breadcrumbing, and even kittenfishing? Who knows — you could be the kittenfisher without even realizing it.

Feel free to give this glossary below a read to help you get up to date on today’s dating lingo in case you see one of these written in someone’s Bumble profile tomorrow. And the next time your pal confides that a potential match is “incel” (involuntary celibate), you won’t have to excuse yourself to the restroom to Google the meaning. (I’ll admit it — that’s what I had to do.)

Benching: This is the dating version of being on a sports team and waiting for the coach to put you. You’re into someone but not enough to take your relationship to the next level. At the same time, you don’t want them going off to find someone new. Essentially, you keep them just interested enough to have them available on the sideline when you want them.

Cuffing Season: While summer is typically thought of as a time to be single and have fun, cuffing season is the opposite. It’s the period from October to March when people want to be coupled up — or “handcuffed” to another person — at least until spring arrives. In general, finding a partner seems more appealing in the winter months so you have someone to cuddle up with, so you may notice that people are pairing off just as the leaves fall from the trees.

Cushioning: Have you ever had a few potential partners just a text away, just in case your current relationship doesn’t work out? That’s called cushioning — because you’re making sure you land without hurting yourself too badly. It’s considered to be “microcheating” by many, meaning you’re making an emotional connection behind your partner’s back despite not being physically intimate.

ENM (Ethically Non-Monogamous): Also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), someone who identifies themself as ENM means that they are looking for an open relationship. This means different things for different people, so honest and open communication is key to success.

FWB (friends with benefits): Basically, you know someone and care about them and are regularly engaging in sexual acts with them, but not within the context of a relationship. 

GGG (Good, Giving, and Game): Coined by sex advice columnist Dan Savage, the GGG approach is what sexual partners should strive to be for a healthy relationship. “Think good in bed, giving based on a partner’s sexual interests, and game for anything — within reason,” Savage explained.

Ghosting: Things seem to be going well with someone you’ve met… until suddenly, they’re gone. You haven’t seen them in weeks, they’re not answering texts or calls, and you’re pretty sure they ran out of Starbucks to avoid you the other day. It’s as if they’ve vanished — much like a ghost. Unfortunately, sometimes completely cutting off communication seems easier than letting someone know they don’t want to pursue a relationship any further. It truly stinks, but instead of making up excuses — “Maybe their phone died… and they haven’t been able to make it to the Verizon store… all month” — it’s probably time to move on. Though, moving on is much more difficult after being ghosted, so don’t do this to people. Please and thank you.

Haunting: Being ghosted is bad enough, but being haunted might be worse. This is when your match cuts off communication, but they subtly let you know that they’re watching you, perhaps in the form of a “like” on a Facebook comment or by viewing your Instagram story. Haunting is also known as orbiting: you know they’re around, but they won’t come in direct contact.

Kittenfishing: While catfishing means someone is using photos of another person in their dating profile, kittenfishing is a less severe (but still frowned upon) dating offense. A kittenfisher is someone who isn’t using another person’s images, but they’re very much enhancing their own to present an unrealistic version of themselves. Perhaps they Photoshopped their pictures, embellished their accomplishments, or are using outdated images of themselves. While everyone wants to present the best version of themselves on a dating profile, this is taking it a step too far.

New dating trends emerge all the time, and daters invent new words to go with them. With all the changes in dating techniques, from meeting on apps and websites to keeping in touch with social media, there’s no current terms to describe these new phenomena! So stay alert — both that you’re not a victim of these tactics or the offender. And please don’t accidentally use the eggplant emoji to talk about your vegetable garden. Trust me.

The post Do You Know Your Dating Lingo? appeared first on .

I have a Google Alert set to send me any articles where the phrase “online dating” appears. I usually get notifications about new apps that are trying to take market share (good luck), crazy people who send money to strangers over the internet (don’t be one of them), and new algorithms that the dating sites are using to pair up their members (something that I presume looks like a dartboard with a heart as the elusive bullseye). Some of the articles I skim through, some I read the title, and some I just plain ignore.

But, just a few days ago, an article came across my screen that made me do a double-take. The title of the article was “Tinder to Get ‘Height Verification’ Feature Soon.” Whaaaa? After all these years of trying to convince female clients that a six-foot man is not the epitome of sexy (in fact, fewer than 15% of men in the US are six feet or taller), and that someone who lists that he’s six feet online could very well actually be (gasp) a real six feet, Tinder is playing into the myth that most men lie about their height online. (Okay… you got me. It’s not a total myth. OkCupid published a study back in 2010 showing that men’s heights on the site are skewed two inches higher than the national average. Unless the men on OkCupid are, on the whole, a tall sampling of the nation, there’s a lie in the midst. Oddly enough, the same two inches were embellished for women, too. I personally love being a shortie, but that’s just me.)

At any rate, the article links to Tinder’s blog itself, which reads, “Say goodbye to height fishing.”

“Let’s be real, when it comes to online dating—honesty is the best policy. Yes, your height matters as long as every other shallow aspect of physical attraction does. Please try not to take it to heart.

“It’s come to our attention that most of you 5’10ers out there are actually 5’6. The charade must stop. This type of dishonestly [sic] doesn’t just hurt your matches—it hurts us, too. Did it ever occur to you that we’re 5’6 and actually love our medium height? Did it ever occur to you that honesty is what separates humans from sinister monsters? Of course not. You were only thinking of yourself. Well, height-lying ends here. To require everyone under 6’ to own up to their real height, we’re bringing truthfulness back into the world of online dating.

“Introducing Tinder’s Height Verification Badge (HVB), because yes—sometimes it matters. It’s the tool we’ve had in our back-pockets for years, but we were hoping your honesty would allow us to keep it there. Our verification tool is super easy to use, and extremely hard to misuse.

“Here’s how it works: Simply input your true, accurate height with a screenshot of you standing next to any commercial building. We’ll do some state-of-the-art verifying and you’ll receive your badge directly on your profile. Oh, and by the way? Only 14.5% of the U.S. male population is actually 6’ and beyond. So, we’re expecting to see a huge decline in the 80% of males on Tinder who are claiming that they are well over 6 feet. That’s fine by us—as long as we’re all living our truths. Tinder’s HVB is coming soon to a phone near you.”

Is this tool—something that women will likely laud and men fear—for real? Are we really going to make things worse out there for shorter men, who already bear this unfounded discrimination? (In fact, now that I think about it, you’re not actually required to list your height at all on Tinder.) If people have to start verifying their height, are they going to have to hop onto a virtual scale too? And maybe post their resume? And how about that college GPA? What is the world coming to?!

Well, it turns out that I, along with many others, may have fallen prey to Tinder’s poor excuse of an early April Fools’ Day joke. (Um… isn’t the point of April Fools’ Day to play a prank on, you know, April 1^st?) Otherwise, it’s just confusing, even to those of us in the industry. Time will tell today whether it was all a ruse or not.

Whether real or made up, Tinder was correct about one thing—honesty is the best policy. Use it wisely, and don’t take pictures next to the Eiffel Tower to measure your height. It’s already cliché enough.

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I was reading some comments on a dating article last week, and they highlighted a point that I already knew: In this day and age, there are two opposing forces—chivalry and equality. (Please note that in this column, I am defaulting to opposite-sex couples, but similar concepts apply in same-sex couples.)

Chivalry: The guy pays.

Equality: You split the bill because no one is entitled.

Chivalry: The man holds the door open.

Equality: Whoever gets to the door first holds it open.

Chivalry: The man asks the woman out.

Equality: Whoever wants to ask the other person out should just do it.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: I’m all for women’s independence, and I believe that women should be paid the same as men in the workplace and have all of the same privileges in life. That doesn’t, however, mean that I believe women and men should have the same place when it comes to dating. Equal partnership? Yes. But women also have a need to feel pursued, special, and secure. Does a man need to feel these things, too? I believe men need to feel appreciated, and sometimes needed, but not taken advantage of, especially financially.

Where does this leave most people? Honestly, confused.

When my female clients tell me that they want a take-charge kind of guy, the kind who asks them out confidently and who pays for the bill, what they have to remember is that things are now blurred. One woman wants this treatment, and another wants to yell “I am woman, hear me roar” and not be treated to anything. A woman may want a man to actively step around her to walk on the outside of the sidewalk. Another may view this same action as antiqued and rude. Neither of them is wrong. But men, at least some of those I’m working with, are shying away from taking risks on either end. Do they go for chivalry or equality?

For every piece of advice I give, there is someone who, of course, believes the exact opposite. Some women have no interest in being treated—financially or otherwise—to things, don’t want to be made to feel taken care of (“I can open that myself, thank you.”) and don’t think the man should be responsible for any more or less than the woman. I’m seeing that younger generations, like millennials, have much more of the equality mindset, whereas baby boomers prefer the chivalry. And those in the middle? A mixed bag. What’s confusing is that chivalry and equality are now butting heads.

I thought the last person I dated seriously handled things well… he asked. He asked if I liked the door held open for me (yes), if I liked to be treated sometimes to dinner (yes), and if I liked when he moved to stand on the outside of the sidewalk (again, yes). He asked because he didn’t know. His last girlfriend wanted none of that because she grew up in a home with such traditional gender roles that she was trying to break out of that mindset. Asking is always a good place to start.

Lastly, on the flip side, if you want something (mainly speaking to the women here), tell your partner. No one is a mind reader, so if you want someone to do something or you particularly like a gesture, mention it. You can’t get angry with someone for not doing something you want… if he simply doesn’t know.

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This article is for anyone trying to get a date with a woman. As a woman myself, and working with 65% female clients of all ages, I have some insider information on what women want when it comes to dating… and what they don’t. I’m going to break it down in simple terms. Do any of these things, and your chances of getting a date dwindle. Avoid them, and you’re on the right path.

1. Gym selfies

Why, oh why, do men post these? I have a few hypotheses. It’s obvious that they think we, as women, want to see that they are in shape. Sure—we do. But we want to see you clothed. Period. If you’re in good shape, then we can tell… even if you’re wearing a sweater! (Sometimes, I honestly think men are posting these pictures for other men to see and be jealous. And sometimes I think they just want to show off.) No women I know, friends or clients alike, will swipe right or contact someone because of a gym picture. If anything, they are liking you despite the picture.

Someone just said it best on my Instagram page: “I ‘swipe left’ on anyone with gym pics because, to me, it signals they need or want external validation, which I find problematic for many reasons, including cheating, being a follower, and having low self-esteem, none of which are qualities I want in a date, let alone a partner.”

So, feel free to show women what you like to do—hiking, biking, surfing—but don’t take a gym selfie in the mirror (and claim it’s a hobby of yours). No one wants to see that… except you. So look in a mirror and admire yourself, but don’t subject the women you don’t know to it.

Like the expression, “Laws are like sausages. It’s better not to see them being made,” the same can be said for muscles. Just show the finished product… out of the gym.

2. Pet names

If you don’t know a woman yet, don’t call her “babe,” “baby,” “boo,” “beautiful,” “cutie,” “hun,” “honey,” or anything that sounds remotely similar. These are terms of endearment that should be saved for when you’re in a relationship, and only if your partner likes them. Before you know someone, those terms come off as patronizing and condescending.

3. The phone number thrust

You’re having a great conversation and you want to take it to the next level—a phone call or text exchange. (For the record, I don’t recommend doing this. Just arrange the date on the site/app. Things usually get lost in the shuffle once you move to text, and the date doesn’t happen.) You think, “I’ll just send her my number. No biggie.” She reads this as, “He’s lazy. Why can’t he reach out to me first?” or “Why can’t he be a gentleman and ask for my number? I don’t want to text him first!” Especially on Bumble, where the woman already has to make the first move, she doesn’t want to continue making all the first moves. My recommendation? Arrange the date online, and then a day before, write this: “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! In case you need to reach me, my number is 917-555-2928. What’s yours?” This is so much better than, “My number is 917-555-2928. Text me.” No thank you.

4. The Google malfunction

Funny—I thought we all used Google. Apparently some people don’t! Women get very frustrated when someone says, “Why don’t you pick a place?” or “What did you have in mind?” There’s a lot of pressure there. Do you want to meet at a nice bar, a dive, a coffee shop, a restaurant, or something else? Especially if you’re going to pay (a whole other discussion), women don’t want to pick something above your price range. If you don’t know the area, the best, and only, thing you should do would be to Google the area and give her three choices. Then, you can add, “But if you have something else in mind, let me know.” Nine times out of 10, she’ll be so appreciative that you made the extra effort that even if your choices aren’t great, she’ll be very quick to overlook that because you tried.

5. The flake-out

This goes for everyone. Don’t cancel at the last minute, don’t stand someone up (awful!), and don’t otherwise be flaky in any way. I get it. People have done it to you. But, don’t perpetuate this non-committal culture. I got a text from Chris, the co-host of my podcast, So, We Met Online, saying, “I had three dates lined up this weekend. Three dates canceled on me this weekend.” Remember that there’s a person at the other end, not just a bot or an iPhone screen. An actual person who made actual time to see you.

Stop doing these things, and your odds of getting dates will increase. That’s math. Use it to your advantage.

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Last week, in a surprise announcement, Facebook made it known to the world that it would be entering the online dating game. While the timing was interesting—right after Mark Zuckerberg had to testify in front of Congress about Facebook’s privacy issues with Cambridge Analytica—this declaration didn’t surprise me in the least, both as a dating coach and a Facebook user. In all honesty, I’m surprised Facebook didn’t enter the scene much sooner. (As a reference point, Tinder was released in 2012.)

Here are a few known facts about both Facebook and the online dating market as a whole:

• Facebook has over two billion (yes, billion!) users.
• Online dating is a 2 billion (yes, billion again!) dollar industry.
• Most dating apps (Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, etc.) use Facebook to pull users’ information into the app.
• Facebook allows users to specify their relationship status if they so choose, with many opting to choose “single.”

What does all this mean for those who currently use, or may want to use, online dating sites?

On the plus side, with Facebook entering the online dating scene, any lingering stigma that was left about online dating (which isn’t much these days) will likely disappear completely. When a company as ubiquitous as Facebook does anything, the world takes notice, and it becomes mainstream. For example, people didn’t say, “I’ll ‘friend’ you” or “status update” (at least in the context we know now) before the existence of Facebook. The company has the Midas touch.

Facebook’s introduction into dating may also break the age barrier that I often see. Many of my clients of baby boomer age are hesitant to use apps like Tinder or Bumble that you primarily, or only, use on your smartphone. They gravitate toward sites where you can write more prose, like Match.com or eHarmony. But, since people of all ages use Facebook daily (my mom is 70 and is always the first one to like my pictures!), there may be some implied trust—the recent data breach aside—in Facebook as a dating medium since it’s already a familiar, known entity.

On the negative side, with Facebook entering an already saturated online dating market, it may cause people to get more online dating fatigue than before, leading them to quit all online dating sites. Also, with so many options, the Paradox of Choice comes into play. As author Barry Schwartz argues, adding options can greatly increase consumers’ anxiety, and with too many options, people are less satisfied with their ultimate choice. Have you heard your friends complain about going on a great online date only to see this person back on the dating site within 20 minutes of saying goodnight? Yep, that’s the Paradox of Choice. People think that more is better, or that the grass is always greener. Is it? That’s for you to decide.

Like Tinder-esque dating apps, which make it so easy to create a profile (an often-mediocre one, which is what I’m here for), if Facebook makes the barrier to entry so simple, it may very well put sites like OkCupid, Match.com, and Plenty of Fish (all owned by The Match Group, in addition to Tinder, for what it’s worth) on the path to extinction. Gone may be the days of writing long-winded profiles and logging into sites on a laptop. I hope not, because my clients (and I) do prefer to see more information about someone before a date, but it’s a distinct possibility.

Only time will tell to see how Facebook’s new foray into online dating will play out. If you have thoughts or question on this, or any, dating matter, please feel free to comment below or email date411@alittlenudge.com.

The post Should We Swipe Right on Facebook Dating? appeared first on .

February 2, 2018

Hi, my name is Erika, and I’m a math nerd.

Hi, my name is Erika, and I’m a dating coach.

Yep, same person. The strangeness of my skillset is not lost on me. When feasible, I try to combine these two sides. (I actually started my business based on data I gathered and learned from in my own online dating experience. And how did I collect this data? In a spreadsheet, of course!)

In trying to keep up with the ever-changing world of online dating, sites these days have to differentiate themselves. When every site seems like a knock-off of another (Tinder, Bumble, JSwipe, I’m looking at you), how can an existing dating site or app make itself stand out?

Hinge took a stab at it, getting rid of its “swiping” functionality and touting itself as the “relationship app” as of the end of 2016. Then, it added a series of prompts for users to answer. On apps like Tinder and Bumble, there’s simply a blank box where you can write anything you like (or nothing at all, though I wouldn’t recommend that), but on Hinge, there are now three spaces for you to write something about yourself. And each of those spaces offers the same 49 prompts. (What’s up, Hinge? Couldn’t think of a 50th choice??) Some of my favorites of these prompts are ones where a user’s answer can be truly unique:

• Fact about me that surprises people
• I’m actually legitimately bad at
• Two truths and a lie
• A secret only my pet knows about me

So many of my clients and friends say to me, “I don’t know what to write!” or “Everyone writes the same thing!” With all of those prompts, and assuming someone doesn’t use the same one twice, then there are a whopping 18,424 combinations. (In math terms, it’s a combination, or 49 choose 3.) In other words, just pick three interesting prompts, and they likely won’t be the same as anyone else’s you’re looking for. And then write something fun in them. For example:

• I’m actually legitimately bad at: Reaching high shelves… I’m only 5’1!

• Two truths and a lie: 1) I sing the National Anthem at sporting events, 2) I was born in Alaska, 3) I traveled to India and France in the same year.

• A secret only my pet knows about me: Since I work for myself, I often find myself working in my pajamas. In bed. With a cup of coffee. Or a whiskey. No shame.

OkCupid (OkC), which is owned by The Match Group (as is Tinder, OurTime, Plenty of Fish, and many others), very recently followed suit with the interchangeable, dropdown choices for question prompts. For a long time, OkC had 10 prompts, in this order:

1. My Self-Summary
2. What I’m doing with my life
3. I’m really good at…
4. The first things people usually notice about me
5. Favorite books, music, movies, shows, and food
6. The six things I could never do without
7. I spend a lot of time thinking about
8. On a typical Friday night, I am…
9. The most private thing I’m willing to admit
10. You should message me if

The site then got rid of #4 (good—everyone said “my smile”) and #9 (bad—this one generated funny responses) for new users who sign up for the site. As a note, if someone still has these questions answered, you know he or she has been on the site for quite a while.

As of earlier this month, OkC is back up to 10 prompts, and each one has six different choices, spanning from “I could probably beat you at” (ping pong for me) to “This item makes me feel at home” (my cross-stitched welcome sign that I made) to “My weirdest quirk” (too many for me to name).

To apply the same calculation as we did for Hinge, it’s a little more difficult since each question has its own set of six prompts, meaning that there are actually over 60 million combinations of prompts that someone could use. But, most people on the site aren’t going to bother changing their answers (laziness, etc.), so let’s say, they are actually choosing between the original question prompt and one of the others, all counting as the same. Then, for the 10 questions, there are essentially two choices for each—the current prompt or the new prompt—and you have a 1 in 1024 chance of answering all of the same questions as someone else.

Why should we care? Well, it’s now much easier to differentiate yourself on these sites, simply by not choosing the default. For example, I wrote a client’s Hinge profile today and used these:
– My dream job if money didn’t matter
– Fact about me that surprises people
– Do you agree or disagree that

Simply by scrolling through the choices and finding ones that best suit her life, she is thereby unique. And you can be, too. No more excuses—just dates.

The post A Math Nerd Tackles Hinge and OkCupid appeared first on .

This one is mainly for the ladies…

You’re swiping through Bumble. You see a really cute guy (or gal). You swipe right.  You match!! You message him (on Bumble, the woman has to write first)… only to get no response. The 24-hour period where responses are allowed is up, and—poof—your match goes away just as quickly as he got there.

The question is this: If someone looked at your picture, presumably liked what he saw, and then swiped right, isn’t he interested enough to write something back? Let’s look at six reasons why he may not reply to you:

1. Your message didn’t cut it.

Keep your first message short, sweet, and end it with a question. Just remember that anything is better than “Hey,” or “What’s up?” because the only response to these is “Hey” and “nothing”/“not much,” respectively. Boringville!

The best way to write a message is to reference something in his profile. So, if he says, “I’m an avid ping pong player,” you can say, “Ping pong, huh? I can’t say I’m avid like you are, but I bet I could give you a run for your money in tennis. Do you play?”

Sometimes, though, the other person doesn’t write a profile that provides any “message bait” (something interesting and unique for you to use in your message), so here are a few examples for when no “message bait” is provided:

• Sunday priorities: exercise, sleep in, or eat unlimited pancakes?
• *Pizza emoji* or *sushi emoji*?
• If you had nothing to do today, would you rather go running or binge watch something on Netflix… or both?

2. He’s not that attracted to you (sorry) and swiped right on everyone.

It’s true—some men, knowing how discerning most women are, simply swipe right on everyone to see every single person who likes them in return. They leave no stone unturned this way. So, they may not be interested in 1) dating at all, 2) everyone they swiped on, or 3) even looking at the matches once they come through. This could just be a game to them.

3. He’s busy.

That TPS report was due today!  He has to call his mom for her birthday! He went to the dentist to have a root canal (ouch). Sometimes people are just busy.

4. He forgot.

Along the lines of being busy, sometimes people look at their matches, say they’re going to write later, and then simply forget. If someone likes you enough, though, he’ll remember to write back.

5. His app isn’t sending him notifications.

I don’t know about you, but I have different notification settings for different apps. (I have no interest in my weather app telling me every time there’s a little drizzle outside! That’s what windows are for.) Some people don’t have their notifications set for the dating apps, meaning they have to actively open the app to check messages. Not everyone does.

6. He swiped right without reading your profile or looking at all of your pictures, but when he did, he was no longer interested.

Sadly, this is probably the most likely scenario. He saw your first picture. You’re really attractive!  You match—yay! You write to him, assuming he liked what he saw. Then, when he gets your message, he reads your profile and/or looks at the other pictures and decides, for one reason or another, that he’s just not that into you. Women often use all of the information they’re given (profile, pictures, etc.) up front and only swipe right on those they want to talk to. Men, not so much.

The moral of all of this?  Don’t take someone’s lack of response personally. We never know why he replies or doesn’t, even if he has seemingly expressed interest. Just take it all with a grain of salt, keep swiping, and know that the right person for you will reply… and want to meet.

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Have you heard the expression “hookup culture” recently?  Our friend and foe Wikipedia defines “hookup culture” as a culture that accepts and encourages casual sexual encounters, focusing on immediate pleasure rather than long-term commitment.  This is not a new phenomenon by any means.  The American Psychological Association (APA) says that hookups became more frequent in the 1920s, believe it or not, when more people were driving cars and going to movie theaters (aka getting out of their parents’ houses).  Then, in the 1960s, with feminism on the rise and more people sexually liberated, it became even more acceptable.  The APA says, and I agree, that today’s hookup culture represents a marked shift in openness and acceptance of uncommitted sex.  I know that I, for one, can’t say I know anyone who is waiting until marriage to have sex.  Do you?

Why am I giving a history of hookup culture, you may be wondering?  I want to look at today’s trends as it relates to the dating apps that now exist.

This past August, a Vanity Fair article came out, claiming that Tinder (owned by the same company as Match and OurTime, The Match Group) and apps like it are starting what they call a “Dating Apocalypse.”  The article contends that in today’s society, many people, especially millennials, are moving toward this hookup culture that I’ve been talking about, where everything is determined by instant gratification.  The article goes on to say that the people they profiled—twenty-somethings in New York City—are even going as far as using the app as a game to see just how many people they can sleep with in any given period of time.  It goes on to say that the art of dating is solely becoming extinct, much like the cassette tape and the rotary phone.

As an online dating coach, I am asked by people all the time, “Are dating apps just for hooking up?”  My answer is always the same: Yes … if you both hook up.  (Just for the record, I hate the expression “hook up.”  I think it sounds classless, but, just like most of us, I have to adapt to the times, too.)  Any site can be used for anything you’re looking for.  Do more people “hook up” on JSwipe (JDate’s Tinder-eqsue app that it acquired for $7 million last year) than on Elite Singles?  Probably.  Do some people troll the “serious” dating sites looking for a one-night stand?  Sure.  And do some people find meaningful, lasting relationships from an app like the one discussed in the Vanity Fair article? You bet.

As for the point the article made about the world becoming a place of casual relationships, I’ll just say that you get what you allow.  If you’re looking for a serious relationship, but you allow someone into your life in a physical-only capacity, then that’s what you get.  If you instead hold out for someone who is also looking for the commitment you are, then you’ll get that instead.

There are, of course, some benefits to using the dating apps:

They’re efficient.  When you match with someone, you could meet that person within hours, or even minutes, depending on how close you are.  Chemistry is the wild card that is either there or not, so meeting face-to-face in a timely fashion is one of the keys to online dating.  Also, because of a very granular GPS system, the apps allow you to find people in your vicinity whose paths you might not have crossed.  Some dating services target a radius within your ZIP code, which also locates people you might not meet otherwise but within a much larger area.  Lastly, they’re easy to set up and free.  With a few clicks and a Facebook account, you can make a profile.

As for whether you should use Tinder or any other app to find a date, that’s up to you.  I contend that people should use any resources available to them.  Don’t NOT use something because of its reputation.  But, if you want to ensure that other people have some skin in the game, in the form of a monthly payment, then the “traditional” online dating sites like Match.com, eHarmony, JDate, Christian Mingle, and those similar are still your best bet.

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