During my latest “Ask Erika Monday” session on Instagram (have questions of your own or curious about what people are wondering in their own dating lives? Join me next week!), I got a message from someone who was very frustrated by the men she’s met recently.

“I feel so deflated — every guy this year has just messed me up. How to deal?” they asked.

I answered, “If *every* guy has messed you up, then it is definitely time to look internally — probably with the help of a great therapist. No one gets the right to ‘mess you up’ without your consent.”

I shared a list of questions for this person, and anyone else who was feeling similarly, to ask themselves.

• Are you entering situations that you know are not good for you?
• Are you holding onto people for too long?
• Are you determining your value based on what other people think of you?
• Are you accepting the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve more?
• Are you projecting experiences from the past onto new people, thereby repeating history?

There will always be outside influences out of our control, but it is important to realize that how you react to situations is 100% your responsibility. And at the start of the new year, maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself and figure out ways to ensure you’re not repeating behaviors that are keeping you from finding your match.

Of course, sometimes this can’t be done alone. Luckily, there are many resources available to help. If seeing a therapist doesn’t work with your budget or schedule, you might want to look into some of the more affordable online therapy sites that offer personalized, virtual counseling to work through some of the questions outlined above. A few options include:

• BetterHelp
• Talkspace
• Open Path Collective
• 7 Cups
• Regain

Practicing meditation, journaling, or opening up to close friends can also help you understand why relationships have been difficult for you and if there are patterns that might be holding you back.

There’s a bad apple in every bunch, but when every apple is rotten, it’s time to recognize why… and maybe find your fruit elsewhere. By growing yourself, you can get the apples from the top branches instead of the ones that have already fallen on the ground.

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You’re probably thinking, “Yeah, obviously,” but in the context, it was just the right thing to say. Ted was lamenting about his distrust of the new team psychologist, Dr. Sharon Fieldstone, because of his own sub-par experience with his former marriage counselor (no spoilers, but he had good reason to dislike the marriage counselor). Regardless, the rest of the conversation went as follows:

Coach Beard: Do you remember what you said when I got dumped by that cruise ship dancer and swore I would never date another dancer again?
Ted: “Can I have your tap shoes?”
Coach Beard: “All people are different people.”
Ted: I said that? That’s pretty good.
Coach Beard: Yeah.
Ted: You went out with another dancer, though?
Coach Beard: Many. Too many.

When it comes to dating, people are often so inclined to lump everyone with a certain, often arbitrary, attribute into the same bucket. It usually sounds something like this:

“I went out with a younger guy who was so immature. I’ll never date younger men again.”

“I got stood up. Dating in Seattle is the worst.”

“My last date wasn’t born in the US, and he snapped—literally snapped his fingers—at our server, so I’m not going out with anyone foreign anymore.”

“They spoke so poorly about their ex that I’ll never go out with someone who’s been divorced again.” 

These are all real things clients have said to me. But we all know that immaturity transcends age, rude people come from every city and country on the planet, and some people just don’t know when to bite their tongue. 

If you find yourself having this generalization mindset when dating, try to turn the tables a bit and think about yourself. What are a few—say, five—basic characteristics that describe you? For me, let’s see… I’m from New Jersey originally. I’m Jewish. I’m an entrepreneur. I used to work in finance. I don’t have children.

Now, let’s say someone had a date with an entrepreneur, and that person, unfortunately, used the term to indicate unemployment. Or, let’s say someone had a date with a woman from New Jersey who ordered everything on the menu and then only took one bite of each dish. (This one I made up!) 

Neither of those things—using the word “entrepreneurship” as a decoy or being an indulgent food-waster—describes me at all. But if someone made a generalization about “all entrepreneurs” or “all women from New Jersey,” then they would have excluded me from their life with no good reason.

Preferences in dating are A-okay, but if you find yourself taking one “thing” about a person and extrapolating that onto strangers, then it’s time to pull a Ted Lasso and remind yourself that all people are different people. As are you.

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In some ways, it feels like 2021 flew right by, and in others, it feels like it was the never-ending continuation of 2020. Let’s hope that 2022 brings more health and happiness to much of the world.

In the meantime, I’d like to share some words of wisdom for dating in 2022:

1. Texting is the death of the first date.

When you are conversing with someone on a dating app and that person asks to switch over to direct texting on your phone instead (by giving or asking for a phone number), there is a 60% chance that the date will no longer happen. (While not statistically significant, this is based on evidence from my clients’ experiences over the last 10+ years.) Why is this? Because someone drops the ball and doesn’t text, the plans don’t get finalized, someone texts something inappropriate, it turns into a pen pal relationship… the list goes on. Make your plans for the first date directly within the dating app. Once the date is scheduled, feel free to exchange numbers just for contingencies by saying, “In case you need to reach me tomorrow, my number is ___.” Your conversation-to-date conversion rate will be much higher. 

2. You get what you allow.

If someone is treating you in a way you don’t like but you accept it, then that is the treatment you will get. For example, let’s say you prefer phone calls, but the person you’re dating only texts you. If you don’t tell the other person your preferences and simply reply to all of the texts, then that is what you get. You should never be shy to ask for what you need, which leads to the next point…

3. Telling someone what you need is not needy.

I hear all the time, primarily from women, that they are afraid to express their needs and expectations to their—often new—partner. That fear is mainly because they don’t want to hear an answer they don’t like. Assuming what you’re asking isn’t unreasonable, then it’s up to the other person to decide whether to do that or not. If they can, great. If they can’t, then it is up to you to decide how important it is to you.

4. You can always add dinner, but you can’t take it back.

Go on a first date for a drink, coffee, or a walk. Then, if you’re having a good time, you can stay longer and get food. If you arrange for dinner and can’t stand each other (no one hopes for this, but it happens), you are stuck at dinner. Wine bars are great—they usually have a good food menu.

5. If you don’t know, ask.

I get questions all the time about what something means that someone said. The reality of it is that I can make an educated guess, but in the end, only the person who said it knows. If you’re not sure what something meant, ask the person who said it.

6. No one is a mind reader.

You want something from your partner. You are not getting that something. Your partner does not know you want it unless you explicitly say it. No hinting. No beating around the bush. Use direct language.

7. Everything short of finding “your person” is not a failure.

We learn a lot about ourselves and other people in the dating process. This is necessary. Some relationships work and some don’t. And many work until they don’t. But the ones that don’t are not failures, and neither are you. It wasn’t a “failed marriage” or a “failed relationship.” Hopefully it was a positive experience (for at least some period) that couldn’t withstand the test of time. Each date or relationship is a learning experience that gets us one step closer to the one that lasts.

Even if we all implement one of the seven tips above, then 2022 should be a more productive year for dating.

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Every day, I get interesting questions from clients, and today, I’d like to tackle three questions I received recently. Remember that if you have a question, chances are likely that someone else has the same one, too. Without further ado…

1. What’s the biggest red flag I should look for while scouring dating profiles?

First, not all red flags are the same. Some may simply mean that the person is not ready to date, while others may be indicative of a bigger concern. It’s up to you to decide how important each is to you. Below are some common red flags to look out for:

• Photos with old time/date stamps or that are very obviously old. This shows that someone does not have confidence in who he or she is today and is not only living in the past but is trying to deceive you into meeting using falsely misleading information. (Or is so very recently single that this person does not have any photos alone.)
• Contradicting information or a different age listed in the profile than the text. Again, many people try to “game” the system by lowering their age to try to fit into younger prospects’ target range, but a lie is a lie, even if the person comes clean in the text of the profile.
• Too many “lifestyle” photos. What are they trying to prove? Too many (or any) photos with fancy cars, boats, etc. — especially with no one in them — show that this person is trying to compensate for something (looks, personality?) with “stuff.” Ultimately, people just want to see who is going to show up on the date. Nothing more, nothing less.
• A long list of things someone does not want in a partner. Whenever I see this, I think, “This person is bitter or not over an ex.” Write what you do want, not what you don’t. As an addendum to that, anything showing bias towards or against a whole group of people is a major red flag.
• A long message sharing only information about him or herself and nothing about you. This is a copy/paste job at its finest. Every message should include something specific to you. 
• An urgency to connect offline immediately. Where’s the fire? If someone says, “Write to me at this email address because my subscription ends tomorrow,” then beware. 
• A message containing strange links. This one is self-explanatory.
• Scantilly clad photos. Either this person is only looking for one thing or is highly self-absorbed. Either one is a turn-off.
• An unwillingness to meet (or video-chat/call these days) in a timely fashion. In the end, the point of online dating is to meet in person. If someone cannot commit to that, it’s time to cut your losses.
• The inability to ask you questions back. This person is nervous, does not know the art of conversation, or is not interested in learning about you. It’s up to you to decide which it is.

2. I found a person who I’m extremely attracted to, but the profile doesn’t include much information. Should I send a message or avoid these kinds of people?

It never hurts to send a message. Some people just don’t know what to say in the profile. (Though writing something is always better than writing nothing.) You could write something as simple as, “What should I know about you, Glen?” Or, “I love your photos, but your profile is blank! Anything I should know?” Or you can comment on one of the photos if there is something distinctive, like “Where was that hiking photo taken? I love going to the Shenandoahs on fall weekends.” My philosophy is to open doors and then decide later if/when to close them. 

Now, let’s say someone writes to you in a very generic manner. For example, “Hi — I liked what you wrote. Feel free to write back.” It’s tempting not ignore this since there was obviously little to no effort put into the message. Sadly, sometimes when people (often men) don’t get a high response rate, they just shoot off these quick messages so as not to spend too much time anymore. This is not a recommended approach because the response rate will be even lower with these effortless messages. That said, if the person’s profile looks interesting enough to write back, simply wrote, “Thanks for writing. Curious to hear what piqued your interest in my profile.” Works like a charm. Either the person won’t answer (oh well), will answer again in a generic manner (you tried), or will answer with thought this time (win).

3. Should I double message a person if they don’t reply to my first note, or take that as a sign that they’re not interested?

Generally, if someone doesn’t reply to a message, it indicates that he or she is not interested. Is that true 100% of the time? Of course not. With people getting inundated on the dating apps, there’s always a chance that your message got buried in a sea of other messages. If you do decide to double message–or write again–say something simple like, “Just wanted to check in since your profile came up again. Hope all is well!” Never be accusatory or rude with, “Why did you match with me if you weren’t planning to write?” Even if they were inclined to, they won’t now. We’ll never know why some people write back and some don’t. Try not to take it personally.

Have other questions? Feel free to email date411@alittlenudge.com.

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COVID-19 isolation, or social distancing, has two conflicting impacts on the dating world: 1) People are using the online dating sites more, and many sites have reported a surge in usage (Bumble reported a 21% increase in sent messages in Seattle, a 23% increase in New York City, and a 26% increase in San Francisco from March 12th to 22nd), because they are stuck at home and likely feeling lonely, but 2) People cannot go on actual, in-person dates right now. So how do you reconcile these two opposite things?

You have two options:

1) Put your dating life on hold until you can meet people again, OR

2) Continue using the dating apps with a “date” culminating in a phone or video call.

If 1), then try to actually put your phone away and not collect matches just for the sake of an ego boost or boredom. Take this time to work on yourself, your interests, and being a better person for when you are ready to date.

If 2), then enter dating with the goal of getting to a “date” sooner rather than later. Normally this would mean meeting in person, but now it may mean a video or phone date. Just try not to turn all matches into pen pals. They should still be leading somewhere… even if that somewhere is a video chat on your couch with a nice shirt on top and sweatpants on the bottom. At least you don’t have to worry about who pays!

If you are, in fact, going to brave the video date world, please remember these pointers:

• Dress for a first date (clothing, hair, makeup, etc.). Dating from home is not an excuse to make a sloppy first impression.
• Clean up your house. People notice EVERYTHING — especially when there is a mess.
• Make sure you are well-lit. The light should be coming from in front of you, not behind you.
• Work your angles. People look much better looking slightly up than slightly down. 
• Balance your phone or laptop on something rather than holding it the whole time, unless you’re intentionally moving around.
• Don’t look at yourself the whole time on the screen!
• Practice, practice, practice. Is Zoom better on your phone or laptop? Should you use a headset or not? Try all of this with friends or family so you don’t have to troubleshoot on a date. (For me, I look a bit pixelated when using Zoom or Skype from my laptop, so I often opt to use them from my phone.)

As a note, whether on the app or on the phone/video, don’t only talk about coronavirus. Touch on it, of course, make your joke about toilet paper and Lysol, but then move on to the “date” part. Talking about this pandemic the whole time will get a bit depressing and won’t set you apart from anyone else.

I foresee a shift to more phone and video dates the longer the isolation lasts because people, especially those working with me who are truly seeking a partner, crave human connection.

Lastly, here are a couple of questions I’ve gotten recently:

Question: Do you think things are lost in the video chatting process, or does it seem like just as good as a way to do a first date? 

Answer: Nothing replaces an in-person meeting, whether for work purposes or for dating. A video chat is a great proxy — in fact, the closest proxy — we have for meeting someone in person, but chemistry and attraction may still be hard to assess (it’s generally only from your neck up, after all). Also, since these “video dates” are so new to people, they might be nervous and act differently than they would in person, so I encourage everyone to keep that in mind. Video chats, on the other hand, can be more intimate, though, since you’re in your own home, on your home turf, if you will. Heck, you can even introduce your dates to your pets!

Question: I’m curious to know if you think people will be more likely to add in the video chat step once this is all over — sort of as a lower-bandwidth weed-out step.

Answer: I do believe that if people are far apart or cannot meet in a timely fashion, they will be more open to video dating after this pandemic is past us. Bumble, The League, and now Match already incorporate a video function into their apps (Match’s is called “vibe check,” which I think is them trying way too hard to sound cool), and I’ve read that the other apps are not far behind. I believe it will become the industry standard to allow people to connect via video without having to reveal their phone numbers. In the future, though, I’ll still encourage people to meet in person (and skip the texting, phone, etc.) so as not to set up arbitrary obstacles for themselves. Can you weed people out over the phone? Sure. In fact, most are able to find something “wrong” with someone over the phone. That’s what I want to avoid. I’d rather you get out there and know definitively if there’s a connection.

The post Everything You Need to Know About Dating During Coronavirus appeared first on .

I got this text the other day from a 40-year-old male client of mine, someone I’ve been working with on and off over the last few years. It said, “I’ve been anxious to re-start dating (i.e. want this process to be done).”

I followed up with, “When you say that you want the process to be done, what do you mean?”

Every week, at least three clients say to me, “I hate dating. I just want to be in a relationship.” And my standard response is a question that I pose right back: “You know all new relationships start with a first date, right?”

There are so many shows out there—The Bachelor/Bachelorette and now Love is Blind—that rush people through some arbitrary obstacles (other attractive people, not being able to see each other, getting grilled by overly dramatized parents, etc.) in order to get to the “outcome,” and in the case of both shows, that outcome is marriage.

I continued to say to my client, “Dating is not something you can rush through to just be in a relationship.”

He replied: “I want to be married.”

Me: “I think putting that pressure on yourself makes it feel like every date is an interview for a wife. No wonder it’s so exhausting. As hard as it may be, try to take that pressure off yourself.”

Him: “What’s the alternative? Besides having fun, enjoying the conversation, getting credit card points for paying, etc? Obviously I learn a lot from each interaction, both about myself and the other person.”

Me: “What, in your mind, is so grand about marriage? That stage requires work too. But different. It’s a moderately rhetorical question. Being married to the wrong person would be hell on earth, so why rush the part of finding her? Life doesn’t suddenly become rainbows and puppies when you’re in a serious relationship. You know that. That’s why I want to make sure you do take the time with the process and don’t feel every woman you meet is ‘the one’ or nothing. So many people think seriously dating and fun can’t go together. But they can… and should!”

I then shared that on The Bachelor (which I obviously watch for “work purposes”) there was a contestant this season, Kelley, who used the word “fun” a lot. “I want to have fun.” “Let’s have fun.” And, Peter, the bachelor himself, was bothered by this, replying, “I’m not here to have fun; I’m here to find a wife.” As if those things can’t co-exist. I don’t know about everyone else, but I think the goal for most people should be to have more fun in life, with or without a partner. Having fun does not lessen the seriousness of a situation… it amplifies the good ones.

My main issue with Love is Blind is that it reinforces this self-imposed (okay, Netflix-imposed) sprint to the altar. I know it makes for good TV, but does it make for a happy life? You need to take the time at the beginning of any dating or relationship situation to choose wisely. If you’re going to be with someone forever, why rush the initial stages? (And I’m not even addressing the “blind” concept of the show. Let’s just say that I wish they didn’t only choose conventionally attractive people.)

I know people are looking for that comfortable place where you can sit on the couch in your pajamas, but in doing that, you’re missing all of the good stuff—the butterflies and the basic information you need to know about the other person. Simple things, like whether someone is a night owl, or more serious ones, like whether you and your future partner can have serious conversations in a productive and non-defensive manner, can only be revealed by truly getting to know someone. It’s one thing to say you’re a certain way, but it’s another to show it. And time is the only way to show many things.

This show simply reinforces to me that the initial stages of dating should never be skipped just to have the “outcome” you want. What’s the point of the outcome if it’s not earned and grown with the right person? In the end, is it marriage for the sake of marriage, or is it marriage with a person who truly adds value to your life? I would always push for the latter since marriage is no prize if you’re not happy. There’s a big difference between “playing house” and making a home.

As I would say to my client or anyone else, it’s not “over” when you meet the right person—it’s just the beginning of a new, and often more complex, stage of life. And the “dating” should never stop, even if and when you find your person.

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This one is mainly for the ladies…

You’re swiping through Bumble. You see a really cute guy (or gal). You swipe right.  You match!! You message him (on Bumble, the woman has to write first)… only to get no response. The 24-hour period where responses are allowed is up, and—poof—your match goes away just as quickly as he got there.

The question is this: If someone looked at your picture, presumably liked what he saw, and then swiped right, isn’t he interested enough to write something back? Let’s look at six reasons why he may not reply to you:

1. Your message didn’t cut it.

Keep your first message short, sweet, and end it with a question. Just remember that anything is better than “Hey,” or “What’s up?” because the only response to these is “Hey” and “nothing”/“not much,” respectively. Boringville!

The best way to write a message is to reference something in his profile. So, if he says, “I’m an avid ping pong player,” you can say, “Ping pong, huh? I can’t say I’m avid like you are, but I bet I could give you a run for your money in tennis. Do you play?”

Sometimes, though, the other person doesn’t write a profile that provides any “message bait” (something interesting and unique for you to use in your message), so here are a few examples for when no “message bait” is provided:

• Sunday priorities: exercise, sleep in, or eat unlimited pancakes?
• *Pizza emoji* or *sushi emoji*?
• If you had nothing to do today, would you rather go running or binge watch something on Netflix… or both?

2. He’s not that attracted to you (sorry) and swiped right on everyone.

It’s true—some men, knowing how discerning most women are, simply swipe right on everyone to see every single person who likes them in return. They leave no stone unturned this way. So, they may not be interested in 1) dating at all, 2) everyone they swiped on, or 3) even looking at the matches once they come through. This could just be a game to them.

3. He’s busy.

That TPS report was due today!  He has to call his mom for her birthday! He went to the dentist to have a root canal (ouch). Sometimes people are just busy.

4. He forgot.

Along the lines of being busy, sometimes people look at their matches, say they’re going to write later, and then simply forget. If someone likes you enough, though, he’ll remember to write back.

5. His app isn’t sending him notifications.

I don’t know about you, but I have different notification settings for different apps. (I have no interest in my weather app telling me every time there’s a little drizzle outside! That’s what windows are for.) Some people don’t have their notifications set for the dating apps, meaning they have to actively open the app to check messages. Not everyone does.

6. He swiped right without reading your profile or looking at all of your pictures, but when he did, he was no longer interested.

Sadly, this is probably the most likely scenario. He saw your first picture. You’re really attractive!  You match—yay! You write to him, assuming he liked what he saw. Then, when he gets your message, he reads your profile and/or looks at the other pictures and decides, for one reason or another, that he’s just not that into you. Women often use all of the information they’re given (profile, pictures, etc.) up front and only swipe right on those they want to talk to. Men, not so much.

The moral of all of this?  Don’t take someone’s lack of response personally. We never know why he replies or doesn’t, even if he has seemingly expressed interest. Just take it all with a grain of salt, keep swiping, and know that the right person for you will reply… and want to meet.

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People often ask me what to wear on a first date. I give a few pieces of advice on this topic:

– Wear clothes to match the venue. (As in, something casual at a coffee shop. Something more stylish at, say, a nice wine bar.)

– Make sure everything is neatly ironed and tucked in, as appropriate.

– Shoe choice matters.

While the first date outfit is obviously important, there are other times when you also have to ask yourself the question, “What do I wear??”

We all know what today is (where does the time go?), and the costume you wear can tell a lot about you, believe it or not.

I used to wear this ridiculous homemade “costume” made from a box of Honey Bunches of Oats (my favorite cereal) and an aluminum foil “knife” pierced through it. Can you guess what I was supposed to be? A cereal killer. (I know, I know.) In other years, I gave into the peer pressure to become the “sexy” version of a costume, so I was a “sexy bee.” (I actually wore this costume three years in a row, but I knew it was time to retire it when a guy walked into the party wearing the exact same one!) Through both of those costumes, you’d get a very different impression of who I am, so I want to talk about what your Halloween costume might say about you?

1. The pun 

Like my cereal costume, a punny costume shows that you probably enjoy wordplay. I personally like these types of costumes because, just like in an online dating username that takes a clever take on a word, a clever costume is a fairly decent proxy for intelligence. Some ideas: Sand-witch, a deviled egg, Kevin Bacon.

2. The “In” joke

Like the pun costume, this person is in the know with the news. And this year, there is a heck of a lot of news to keep us occupied. I saw a lot of Trump dogs at the dog park this weekend. (Cute on a dog, not so much on a person.) Now, on the other hand, if someone shows up in an outdated news story costume (the whole “dress” fiasco, anyone?), he or she is likely to get a few eye rolls for being so far removed from the present day. 

3. The “sexy” [fill in the blank]

Just about any costume anything can be turned into the “sexy” version of itself. Sexy doctor, sexy librarian, sexy basketball player… it really doesn’t matter. By dressing as the sexy version of something, it says that you either want to show off when it’s deemed socially acceptable or, more likely, that you’re looking for attention. If you leave nothing to the imagination, people are going to look at you, for better or for worse.

4. The last-minute makeshift costume

You throw on a pair of sunglasses and say you’re Bono. You decide to wear a red hat and say you’re a firefighter. You put a “Hello my name is Posh” nametag on and say you’re one of the Spice Girls. We can all see through these costumes (not literally like in #3, thank goodness), and the only thing most people think is, “Lazy!”

5. The mask or gory number

I hate these costumes. Most come with a mask so you can’t even see the person’s face. This screams (no pun intended) that this person doesn’t really want to engage with people. The mask creates a barrier so that it’s really easy to be anti-social.

6. The box

We’ve all seen those costumes where someone is wearing a big cardboard box—a Martian, a dinosaur, a phone booth. I don’t care what it is—you’re in my way. Wearing a huge box is the kiss of death. You can’t get close to people, and you get in everyone’s way, especially at a crowded party. 

So there you have it. What are you going as for Halloween tonight? Feel free to leave a comment or Tweet your costume to @ALittleNudge.

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People write all kinds of things in their profiles because it’s what they think others want to hear.

Let’s take a look at 7 of these and then define what they actually mean.

1. What you say: I’m just as comfortable in a little black dress (or tux) as I am in jeans and a t-shirt.

What you’re trying to say: I can be ready for any occasion so you don’t think I can’t be your date to something important to you.

What we know you really mean: Honestly, I’d rather be in my oversized sweatpants on the couch most nights, but I don’t want you to think I’m a big loser, so I’ll tell you I’m just as comfortable in a tux.  The reality?  I don’t think I’ve ever worn a tux, and if I have, I definitely didn’t tie my own bow tie.

—

2. What you say: I love to laugh and have fun.

What you’re trying to say: I’m easy-going, light-hearted, and I won’t bring drama to the relationship.

What we know you really mean: I want you to think I’m normal and don’t freak out when I’m losing my Bachelor pool or cry when I burn my toast every other morning.

—

3. What you say: I’m not looking for a hookup.

What you’re trying to say: I want you to know I’m looking for something serious.

What we know you really mean: I got burned in the past many, many times.  I’m really not sure what I’m looking for, but I know that’s not what you want to hear, so I’ll go in the complete other direction even though I could just say nothing at all.

—

4. What you say: My friends tell me I’m smart, funny, and attractive.

What you’re trying to say: I’m a good friend, and the people in my life really like me… like really!

What we know you really mean: I think highly of myself, but rather than saying that, I’m going to use my “friends” as a buffer to look humble.  Is it working yet?

—

5. What you say: I joined this site because one of my friends met someone on here.

What you’re trying to say: I have friends, and we share things with each other.

What we know you really mean: I’m still scared of doing online dating, and I am honestly judging myself, but if I write this, it makes me look like I’m some kind of romantic optimist.

—

6. What you say: I work hard and play hard.

What you’re trying to say: I do well financially, but I know when to take a step back.

What we know you really mean: I’m a workaholic, and when I come home, I drink myself into oblivion.  Maybe I’ll make time for you, too.  Maybe not.

—

7. What you say: I take care of myself and want someone else who does, too.

What you’re trying to say: I want someone healthy.

What we know you really mean: I want someone hot.

—

Let’s add it all together:

I’m just as comfortable in a little black dress (or tux) as I am in jeans and a t-shirt.  I love to laugh and have fun. I’m not looking for a hookup. My friends tell me I’m smart, funny, and attractive. I joined this site because one of my friends met someone on here. I work hard and play hard. I take care of myself and want someone else who does, too.

Sounds dreamy, right?  [Insert sarcasm font here.]  In the end, none of these lines actually tells us anything about you, and if they do, they only say what you think people want to hear. In the end, say what you mean, mean what you say, and make it something specific. Most people would rather hear about your obsession with buying a new magnet in every state, competitive nature when it comes to puns (oh wait… that’s me!), or your love/hate relationship with the elliptical machine (also me). So, stop writing what you think people want to hear, and write about the true you.  That’ll win the dates with the right people, not just the ones who you didn’t either offend or attract since you said something too generic to see the real you.

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I had a date several years ago with someone I had met on an online dating site. He was handsome, witty, and intelligent—the trifecta in my book—so we decided to meet for brunch.  (As a side note, I generally prefer to have a cocktail or coffee with someone on a first date, but, if we’re being honest here, I couldn’t resist the bacon biscuits… don’t tell my rabbi.)

When I walked in, I found my date immediately. He looked like his photos… so far, so good! (It’s a low bar, I know.) He stood up to greet me, but when he was standing, I noticed that he and I were looking directly into each other’s eyes. I’m only 5’1, and height is actually not something that I care about when searching for a partner. But, it wasn’t his height that bothered me… it was the fact that he had lied about it.

Most people would secretly judge the guy for lying and pretend like it didn’t happen… until they tell their friends later. I’m not most people. Given that I’m the honest (blunt?) person that I am, I blurted out, “You’re not 5’7!” He replied, “Well, I’m 5’5.” The next thing out of my mouth was, “Okay, you’re not 5’5 either, but why would you lie?” It’s not like I wasn’t going to find out!

Giving him the benefit of the doubt (remember, there’s bacon involved…), I stayed to have a surprisingly nice banter with him. At one point in the conversation when we were discussing our families, I innocently asked if he had any children of his own since I knew he had been married before. Before he responded, he awkwardly looked at me and said, “I have something I have to tell you.”  That’s never a good sign. He then proceeded to tell me that, instead of the 39 years old he listed on the dating site, he was actually… wait for it… 45.  He told me this because he has a 19-year-old son, and he figured I might be suspicious.

He had lied by six years, which is not a small number, presumably to get dates with women in their early 30s, as I was at the time. Perhaps he hadn’t been caught before, or perhaps no one was as up front about her distaste for liars as I was, but he sat there with his tail between his legs while I kindly but firmly told him that he was wasting my time.

Last year, the New York Times featured a story about a lovely-looking couple in the wedding section titled “Stretching the Truth to Find Love Online.” The article commented on how the groom, 5’5, had fudged his height to 5’8 to get more profile views. While I can’t agree with it, I, of course, am not blind to his rationale. Women often make an arbitrary cut-off of anything below 5’8… or 5’10… or 6’2. For men’s sake, I wish that being tall wasn’t equated with being attractive for so many. Would I be tempted to lie if I there were something about me that I knew many men weren’t inclined to go for? I’d be, well, lying if I said no. But, that doesn’t make it right.

People lie for all different reasons: they want to date younger or older, they have an aspirational weight that they like to believe they are, they want to appear more financially successful. When it comes down to it, the main reason people lie is a lack of confidence. If you’re 100% confident in who you are, then there’s no need to lie to get the date. You may go on fewer dates being the real you, but at least you’ll know that you haven’t hidden anything. Everyone has that “thing” that holds them back or is perceived as a red flag to others: height, weight, age, religion, race, level of education, etc. I would have encouraged the groom in the article to write to anyone he wanted, even if her height minimum was taller than his stature, but to be up front about it. He was trying to come up in people’s searches, when a lot of the success in online dating actually comes from who you pursue.

Here’s the thing: People prefer to cite a one-off story like the one of this couple and use it as a precedent to condone lying—and do it themselves—rather than the hundreds of stories like mine where the lie, or lies, far outweigh the desire to see the person behind the lies. A male client who I found out was lying about his age online—subtracting five years from his age of 67—rationalized his behavior by saying, “Everyone lies.” First, that’s not true. Second, if everyone went around robbing banks, does that give you the go-ahead to rob a bank, too? I don’t need to answer that.

I’m obviously thrilled that things worked out for this couple! In the end, though, lying, especially about something that will become apparent the minute someone meets you, generally only bites you in the you-know-what. While you and your date may get along, you got the date under false pretenses, and he or she may be wondering what else you lied about. And we know most people are online stalking us anyway, so it’s best to stick to the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

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