I did something recently that I don’t usually do—I tried to prove myself wrong.

As a dating coach, the advice I give is what I know to work. Even if it works 90% of the time, I’ll still advise it. Especially since I can’t, of course, control how other people react.

If you’ve been reading my column long enough, you’ll know that I often call texting “the death of the first date” or “the place where dates go to die.” (I’m not usually this morbid. Promise.) So at one point, as I managed my own Bumble account, I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was chatting someone who, after a few messages back and forth about our dogs and weekend plans, asked for my number. Actually, he said, “Maybe you’d like to meet up?” (While I’m glad he asked, I have a personal pet peeve with the “up.” Are you trying to make it seem more casual? I’d just like to meet. Period.) Regardless, I replied, “That sounds nice!” Then, he asked, “Why don’t you shoot me your number?”

Normally, I would advise a client to say, “You know, it actually helps me stay organized to arrange the details on here, but I’m happy to plan something for this weekend.” It works like a charm. It pushes for the date while keeping the communication on the dating app so the conversation doesn’t go into the texting abyss, as it so often does.

But I decided to use this as an opportunity to re-assess my views. I realize that this sample size of one cannot draw conclusions, yet the behavior I saw was exactly as I predicted it would be:

Him: Hey this is your bumble prince [The lack of punctuation when writing to a writer is not lost on me.]

Me: Can you really be my Bumble prince if you don’t have an iPhone? [His texts were green, meaning that we’re not using iMessage, meaning that he doesn’t have an iPhone.]

Him: Yes ma’am! I make up for it

Me: We will see!

Him: Haha I’m already getting judged

Me: Not at all.

Him: Just giving you a hard time!

Me: I got it!

Him: How’s your day going? [Note: This is where things always go downhill.]

Me: Super busy actually!! [Note: It was 1 PM on a weekday!]

Him: Ohh well then I can text you later

Me: Great!

After one more “How’s the day been??” three hours later, when I was still working, and I responded as such (though very nicely), he was never to be heard from again. Yes, I could have pushed things along if I wanted to. But I didn’t.

As I told a client yesterday, texting before a first date is like driving a new car off the lot—it depreciates immediately. I’d venture to say that once the phone number is given on the app, there’s a 60% chance that the first date will no longer happen. Why? People get lazy. They text, “How is your day?” vs. “Let’s confirm our plans for Sunday. How’s 4 PM in Shaw?” Or someone says something that gets misconstrued. Or someone sends something inappropriate. You might be thinking, “Wouldn’t I want to know if someone is like that before we meet?” Sure. But I still want you to just get to the date in order to make the assessment for yourself. 

So, as much as I wanted to prove myself wrong, I stand by my advice to keep the date planning on the dating apps and then only exchange numbers at the last minute for contingencies. People get in their own way without knowing it. Don’t let them.

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You haven’t written your online dating profile yet?  As any intrusive relative (we all have them) would say, “You’re not getting any younger!”  This is before the requisite pinch cheek, of course.  When you’re ready to take the leap and either subscribe to or update your online dating profile, here are the top 15 Quick & Dirty Tips for Your Online Dating Profile:

1. Make sure your photos are representative of you, especially the first one.  You would rather have someone meet you in person thinking, “He/she is much better-looking than the photos,” not “Those photos were a lie… or taken five years ago!”  Be confident, and be truthful.

2. Less is more when it comes to photos.  People will look for the one bad photo (um… the one with the empty wine bottle in front of you and your lips looking extra red?) and decide not to write to you because of it.  Three to five photos are recommended.

3. Have at least one clear “face” photo.  Blurry photos make people wonder if you’re hiding something.

4. Be by yourself in the shot.  Too many reasons!

• Don’t give someone the opportunity to compare you to the other people in your own picture.
• Don’t try to show that you’re social. We know you’re social.
• If it’s someone of the opposite sex, we think it’s your ex… or current significant other.

5. Have one photo doing something interesting.  Many people have no idea what to say in the initial message to you, so give them something to comment on, or “message bait.”  Ideas: you making a delicious loaf of bread, you doing underwater basket weaving, you riding a horse… you get the idea.

6. Include a full-body shot.  For the same reason as #1, it’s important that you portray yourself accurately.  Also, when people don’t have information (as in, what you look like below the neck), they assume things, and often they assume the worst.

7. Take your time writing your profile.  Many people think that writing an online dating profile is a one-time job, and they rarely change it based on its success (or lack thereof).  They also try to write it as quickly as humanly possible. This is one thing that you should really spend your time on.  You are putting yourself out there for the world to see, so you want to put your best foot forward.

8. In your profile, provide a bold introduction.  Try not to bore someone to sleep or sound just like everyone else.  Make the first line memorable and interesting.

9. End your profile on a positive note.  “Need not apply” need not be in your vocabulary.

10. Do NOT write a novel.  Anything over three paragraphs on a “traditional” online dating site like Match.com is much too long.  And on the apps (i.e. Tinder, Bumble, etc.), short and sweet—and quirky—is the key.

Example

Things I’m good at: remembering which direction the North Star points, swimming in really cold water, making pizza from scratch, writing limericks and ridiculous Tinder profiles

11. Stand out from the crowd.  If the stranger sitting next to you on the subway might have been able to write the same exact profile, then it is too generic, and it’s time to spice it up.

12. Avoid “empty adjectives.”  These are words like “smart,” “funny,” “attractive,” and “loyal” that are subjective and cannot be proven until someone gets to know you.

13. Proofread and edit.  If someone spells “your” incorrectly, I don’t assume carelessness; I assume stupidity.  Don’t make people think you’re stupid.

14. Make sure you’re realistic, not idealistic.  Your profile should be representative of you today, not the you in your head… who we know is a rock star.

15. Remember that online dating is not represented by any one bad (or good) date.  Don’t quit online dating after one bad date.  First, that person is just that—one person.  And every bad date is a good story.  (I have one about how I inadvertently went out with the same person twice… six years apart!)

Looking for more?  Feel free to grab a copy of my book, Love at First Site, on Amazon if you need additional help and motivation.

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.

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