The Trap of “Not My Type”

I watch my clients use dating apps all the time, swiping left (as in, not interested) with reckless abandon. It’s frustrating! Think about it: How many times have you looked at someone’s profile and thought, “Nah, they’re just not my type”? I’ll be the first to say that it’s certainly okay to have preferences. But when those preferences turn into hard-and-fast rules (that you often can’t know from looking at one picture), you could be closing yourself off to incredible possibilities.

One specific client in LA comes to mind. She swore up and down that she wasn’t interested in men who were shorter than 5’10”. (Don’t even get me started on some people’s height “requirements.”) I challenged her to let go of that limitation… for just one date. Well, she ended up meeting someone amazing who was “only” 5’8″. In her follow-up survey that I sent after the date, she said, “I’ll admit, I probably would have swiped left purely because of height, but I’m really happy I went. He has a very calming energy, and we felt immediately comfortable. His dog is adorable, and he seems to be at a very stable point in his life, which is very attractive. We discussed the game Rummikub, and he downloaded the app on his phone and invited me to play him virtually last night—super cute. He’s very kind and secure, which is attractive.”

When we set arbitrary boundaries based on height, hobbies, or even hair style, we’re limiting ourselves more than we realize.

When Matches Don’t Work Out: Questions to Ask Yourself

If you feel like every match you meet just isn’t working out, it’s time to look inward. I’ve often found that frustration in dating stems from repeated patterns we’re not fully aware of. Ask yourself:

Am I chasing situations I know aren’t right for me? Sometimes we’re drawn to the same type of person, even when we know it’s a recipe for disaster.

Am I holding on to people for too long? Not every connection is meant to last, and that’s okay.

Am I undervaluing myself? If you’re accepting the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve more, that’s a red flag—for yourself.

Am I projecting my past onto new people? It’s easy to assume history will repeat itself, but new people deserve a clean slate.

It’s not about placing blame but about taking responsibility for the patterns you can control. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to breaking the cycle.

“All People Are Different People”

In the wise words of Ted Lasso (yes, I’m quoting TV here), “All people are different people.” It’s such a simple phrase, but it’s packed with meaning. Every person you meet brings their own unique history, quirks, and potential. Just because one person with a certain job, hobby, or personality trait didn’t work out doesn’t mean the next one won’t.

Too often, we generalize. We lump people into categories based on past experiences, forgetting that each individual deserves their own chance to shine.

The Beauty of Breaking Your Own Rules

One of my favorite success stories involves a client who had a “no lawyers” rule. She’d dated a lawyer before, and it hadn’t ended well. But after some nudging, she agreed to meet one… and now they’re married. It’s not that lawyers are inherently good or bad partners—it’s that she allowed herself to see beyond a single past experience.

Every time you break one of your own, often unsubstantiated, dating rules, you’re giving yourself a chance to grow. Maybe you’ll learn something new about what you want. Maybe you’ll realize a rule was serving as more of a defense mechanism than an actual dealbreaker. Who knows?

Moving Forward

The path to finding the right person starts with you. By letting go of perhaps arbitrary ideas about who your type is and looking at your patterns, you’ll open yourself up to connections you never thought possible.

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I’d like a large pie with extra cheese, mushrooms, sausage, and broccoli.
But make sure the cheese is covering the whole pizza because I don’t like baldness, and actually, why don’t you hold the sausage? I’d like someone who doesn’t eat processed meat. And while you’re there, make sure those mushrooms are well-educated, like maybe with a master’s or PhD. And as for the broccoli, can you make sure it’s a certain height because I only want it if it’s tall. Could I get that to go? Thanks.

Someone recently told me that online dating was like ordering a pizza. At first I laughed at that analogy, then I cringed, and then I realized that he was right. We are all looking for that on-paper perfect mate. And since online dating sites give so much choice in the matter, we think it’s our right to have everything we’re looking for. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with wanting certain things – I did – but what if someone out there looks good but doesn’t necessarily fit all of those objective criteria. What’s a single to do? I’d venture to say – try ‘em out anyway.

When we walk into a bar and see someone we like, that guy or girl doesn’t have a chart attached to his or her forehead full of credentials, stats, and dislikes. (Wouldn’t that be a pretty funny sight?!) We trust our instincts; we go with chemistry. But online, we have so much information that it’s almost too easy to discard someone simply because he is only 5’5 or she has a fondness for US Weekly rather than the latest issue of The Economist. (I’m not saying I know anyone like that. ;))

I was chatting with someone recently who met her boyfriend at a climbing wall. They had known each other for a while, and ironically enough, when they eventually started dating, he came up as one of her matches on OkCupid that week. She looked at his profile and said, “I would have never gone out with him after reading this.” I guess she thought she was in the mood for a pizza with the works, but in reality, what she wanted was much simpler – plain cheese.

So, go ahead, order whatever you want for dinner tonight, but when it comes to dating, there’s no check-box order to place. Give people the benefit of the doubt because in the end after meeting in person, chemistry may trump all to give you the slice of your life.

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

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