The world has been massively disrupted by the coronavirus pandemic over the past 10 months, and the dating scene is no exception — ask anyone who has debated meeting for socially distanced drinks with a complete stranger. Although singles are getting creative with ways to meet new people by replacing in-person first dates with Zoom, FaceTime, and phone calls, some rude behavior unfortunately still remains.

While there’s almost nothing worse than being stood up for a real date — awkwardly sitting at the bar alone, checking and re-checking your texts to make sure you got the date, time, and location correct — getting ghosted on a virtual meeting is up there. And sadly, from my recent experiences with clients, it’s happening far too often.

Just because a date isn’t in-person doesn’t mean you shouldn’t uphold your promises. If you make plans to chat on the phone or set up a Zoom meeting on a certain day and time, that commitment should be honored — plain and simple. It’s still a date.

Anyone who has experimented with online dates knows that there are advantages to the new way of doing things. You don’t have to worry about making reservations at a restaurant, no awkward “sorry, I hit traffic and can’t find parking” texts, and pajama bottoms are perfectly acceptable attire (as long as you make some effort on your visible outfit …and don’t stand up!). But at the same time, it’s still a date — along with all the effort that typically goes into one.

A no-show on your Zoom call (or a last-minute cancellation, for that matter) means you wasted someone else’s time. They likely took a shower, perhaps did their hair and makeup, and put on clothes (a rarity these days!) to look their best for you. Even setting up a Zoom meeting requires a few minutes of time, as does straightening up their home or finding a quiet spot so your time won’t be interrupted by a roommate or pet.

Even if someone hops on a call after work with little to no preparation, everyone is very busy with their jobs and other responsibilities. I can think of a million things I could get done instead of sitting at a computer waiting for a date to sign on, only to have the date flake on the entire thing.

And we haven’t even spoken about the nerves associated with a date! You may be calm, cool, and collected, but a lot of people can’t help but feel a knot in their stomach as your date time approaches. Those butterflies are usually led by excitement, but it’s not exactly a pleasant feeling — only to be for nothing when someone decides to skip without warning.

Of course, things come up. A late work meeting gets scheduled, a child’s dentist appointment gets moved, or your internet is down. That’s fine — but you need to let your date know as soon as possible. A simple text or message on the dating app stating what happened and asking for a good time to reschedule is easy to do and much appreciated on the other side.

There’s also a chance another relationship is progressing that you want to focus on, or after another look at the other person’s profile, you decide your date is likely not a match after all. Still, you need to communicate that you won’t be making yourself available for your scheduled date. Be polite yet straightforward — and most importantly, no ghosting.

Dating in the current climate is hard enough. Don’t make it even more difficult by wasting someone else’s time.

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COVID-19 isolation, or social distancing, has two conflicting impacts on the dating world: 1) People are using the online dating sites more, and many sites have reported a surge in usage (Bumble reported a 21% increase in sent messages in Seattle, a 23% increase in New York City, and a 26% increase in San Francisco from March 12th to 22nd), because they are stuck at home and likely feeling lonely, but 2) People cannot go on actual, in-person dates right now. So how do you reconcile these two opposite things?

You have two options:

1) Put your dating life on hold until you can meet people again, OR

2) Continue using the dating apps with a “date” culminating in a phone or video call.

If 1), then try to actually put your phone away and not collect matches just for the sake of an ego boost or boredom. Take this time to work on yourself, your interests, and being a better person for when you are ready to date.

If 2), then enter dating with the goal of getting to a “date” sooner rather than later. Normally this would mean meeting in person, but now it may mean a video or phone date. Just try not to turn all matches into pen pals. They should still be leading somewhere… even if that somewhere is a video chat on your couch with a nice shirt on top and sweatpants on the bottom. At least you don’t have to worry about who pays!

If you are, in fact, going to brave the video date world, please remember these pointers:

• Dress for a first date (clothing, hair, makeup, etc.). Dating from home is not an excuse to make a sloppy first impression.
• Clean up your house. People notice EVERYTHING — especially when there is a mess.
• Make sure you are well-lit. The light should be coming from in front of you, not behind you.
• Work your angles. People look much better looking slightly up than slightly down. 
• Balance your phone or laptop on something rather than holding it the whole time, unless you’re intentionally moving around.
• Don’t look at yourself the whole time on the screen!
• Practice, practice, practice. Is Zoom better on your phone or laptop? Should you use a headset or not? Try all of this with friends or family so you don’t have to troubleshoot on a date. (For me, I look a bit pixelated when using Zoom or Skype from my laptop, so I often opt to use them from my phone.)

As a note, whether on the app or on the phone/video, don’t only talk about coronavirus. Touch on it, of course, make your joke about toilet paper and Lysol, but then move on to the “date” part. Talking about this pandemic the whole time will get a bit depressing and won’t set you apart from anyone else.

I foresee a shift to more phone and video dates the longer the isolation lasts because people, especially those working with me who are truly seeking a partner, crave human connection.

Lastly, here are a couple of questions I’ve gotten recently:

Question: Do you think things are lost in the video chatting process, or does it seem like just as good as a way to do a first date? 

Answer: Nothing replaces an in-person meeting, whether for work purposes or for dating. A video chat is a great proxy — in fact, the closest proxy — we have for meeting someone in person, but chemistry and attraction may still be hard to assess (it’s generally only from your neck up, after all). Also, since these “video dates” are so new to people, they might be nervous and act differently than they would in person, so I encourage everyone to keep that in mind. Video chats, on the other hand, can be more intimate, though, since you’re in your own home, on your home turf, if you will. Heck, you can even introduce your dates to your pets!

Question: I’m curious to know if you think people will be more likely to add in the video chat step once this is all over — sort of as a lower-bandwidth weed-out step.

Answer: I do believe that if people are far apart or cannot meet in a timely fashion, they will be more open to video dating after this pandemic is past us. Bumble, The League, and now Match already incorporate a video function into their apps (Match’s is called “vibe check,” which I think is them trying way too hard to sound cool), and I’ve read that the other apps are not far behind. I believe it will become the industry standard to allow people to connect via video without having to reveal their phone numbers. In the future, though, I’ll still encourage people to meet in person (and skip the texting, phone, etc.) so as not to set up arbitrary obstacles for themselves. Can you weed people out over the phone? Sure. In fact, most are able to find something “wrong” with someone over the phone. That’s what I want to avoid. I’d rather you get out there and know definitively if there’s a connection.

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