I can’t say I’ve ever read Marie Kondo’s “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up,” nor have I seen the uber-popular Netflix series that just came out. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t know what the craze is all about. Her contention is that by eliminating things from your life that don’t “spark joy,” you’ll not only be tidier, but you’ll also be happier. It makes perfect sense. I know that when I make my bed in the morning, I feel more at peace when I come home to a bed that’s ready for me to slink into. Or, when I take my clothes out of the dryer right away and fold them, I am happier than when I leave them in there for an extra day (or week?) to get cold and wrinkled. Now, we’re talking about “things” here. Things come into our lives for a certain period of time and sometimes significantly, but often unceremoniously, leave our lives.

In my work as a dating coach, I don’t deal with things; I work with people. Day in and day out, I see the inner workings of people, primarily in an emotional time in their lives—when they’re ready to meet a new partner. They want this partner to last their entire life, through thick and thin, sickness and health, teeth and dentures. I love this idea. My parents have been married for almost 40 years, which, in this day and age, is rare and beautiful. But how realistic is it? I know that I’m sharing my inner monologue here, but it’s something I think about often since I hear break-up and make-up stories every day.

So often, people consider anything short of a long-term relationship or marriage as a “failure.” Even when a relationship comes to fruition and does result in years of happiness or the “marriage” label, but then something, or nothing, happens to end that relationship, people still see the relationship itself—or even themselves—as less-than. That couldn’t be further from the truth, though. Just like many of the items Marie tells us to assess for that “joy” factor, they were perhaps once the most wonderful things, and now you may only have memories of them.

I have a dress I bought in 2008 when I was on a business school trip to India. My friend Sally and I bought matching ones, and I loved it beyond belief. It’s a tunic of sorts, but since she and I are both about 5’1, we wore it as a dress with leggings. It’s orange, and it has sequins on it. And a pattern. And so much flair. I wore that dress for years… until I didn’t. It’s not that I don’t like it anymore—quite the opposite—it’s just that tastes change. I have not applied the KonMarie method to that dress as of yet. Yes, it’s taking up space in my closet that could be devoted to something else—or nothing else—but I also don’t want to erase all of those years of joy. The reality of it, though, is that even if I donate the dress, it doesn’t erase those memories at all. In fact, I’d be ending the dress’ reign on a high note, rather than looking at it with disdain for the rest of my life because it’s something that I used to love but have no use for anymore.

Not all relationships are meant to go the distance. Some are, of course, but some run their course. That’s not inherently a bad thing. No, your marriage was not a failure if you were together for 10 years and made two beautiful children. It sparked a lot of joy in that time, did it not? It’s just that the joy, for whatever reason, ran its course. I’m not getting into the things one might do to potentially prevent this from happening—relationship counseling, date nights, etc.—but sometimes it’s inevitable.

So, no, we can’t KonMarie people (even if we want to sometimes), but we can assess people for the value they have—or had—in our lives. Relationships take work. Sometimes that work pays off, and sometimes, often through no fault of our own, it doesn’t. That’s okay. Something, or someone, new will bring joy into your life. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week or next year. But acknowledging something good for what it was is a great place to start.

We can’t clean out memories in the same way we want to clean out our closets, but that’s the beauty of life. It’s full of memories, some good and some bad, but they make us who we are. Kind of like my orange sequin dress.

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It’s easy to talk ourselves out of something, isn’t it?  We usually do this when we don’t think things will go our way, so we “didn’t want it anyway.”

About 10 years ago, when I was still working in finance at Fannie Mae, I found an internal job I wanted to apply for… in California.  Back then, I’d always thought I would move there to take a chance on a career in acting.  (Turns out I’m a terrible actress.  I’m great at playing the role of Erika, though!  Good to know your strengths and weaknesses.)  After a lot of thought, I almost didn’t apply for the job for a number of reasons: I’m not the right fit, I don’t have the right experience, maybe I’m really an East Coast person, and the list goes on.  And then, what if I actually got the job?  I might have to turn it down in the end if I didn’t want to move.  I was talking myself out of applying, or getting in my own way.

But then I thought to myself—why not give myself the chance to at least think about it and then turn it down after I get the job?  So, I applied… and I was rejected.  But, I was still really glad that I gave myself the chance.  It’s the same thing with the dating game—it’s good to give yourself the chance to turn something down if, in the end, it’s not what you want.  But you might as well open more doors for yourself at the outset.

In addition to talking yourself out of dates, here are a few other ways you might be getting in your own way when dating:

• Focusing on the past.

It’s more than okay to reflect on previous relationships—in fact, it’s encouraged—but when meeting someone new, he or she wants to feel like you’re fully present and not dwelling on your last relationship, for better or worse.  I remember I once met someone for the first time, and all he did was bash his ex-wife.  That was our first and last date.

• Telling yourself that something isn’t going to work anyway.

People often try to avoid rejection by not taking a chance, as I mentioned earlier.  Stop telling yourself that he/she isn’t for you.  You don’t know unless you try.  In other words, if you go into the dating scene with the preconceived notion that you aren’t going to find someone for you, you’ve automatically hurt your chances.  It’ll become a self-fulfilling prophesy.

• Projecting a bad experience onto others.

Okay, so you went on one really bad date from Match.com.  This does not in any way mean that Match “doesn’t work.”  It just means that you had one really bad date!  Don’t penalize everyone online for that one dud.  And don’t let that one dud prevent you from putting yourself out there again.  And look on the bright side—every bad date is a good story!

• Dwelling on every little flaw in someone.

People are flawed.  It’s true.  And the person you end up with will be flawed, too.  What you have to figure out is which combination of perceived flaws you can live with and which you can’t.  No one is perfect.

• Continuing to “shop” online rather than getting to know someone.

If the end goal is to meet that one person who makes you swoon, then you have to take the time to get to know this person, without the distraction of other people online.  While it’s nice to know that you have other options, you might be losing out on the best option to make sure you always have someone waiting in the wings.

In the end, remember that nothing is guaranteed in dating… or in life.  There will be rejection, and there will be joy.  There will be obstacles you can’t avoid.  But throughout the process, keep an open mind and an open heart and try, as hard as it may be, not to get in your own way.

Want more dating advice?  Click Here for your very own cheat sheet of 25 dating hacks.

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