I got this text the other day from a 40-year-old male client of mine, someone I’ve been working with on and off over the last few years. It said, “I’ve been anxious to re-start dating (i.e. want this process to be done).”

I followed up with, “When you say that you want the process to be done, what do you mean?”

Every week, at least three clients say to me, “I hate dating. I just want to be in a relationship.” And my standard response is a question that I pose right back: “You know all new relationships start with a first date, right?”

There are so many shows out there—The Bachelor/Bachelorette and now Love is Blind—that rush people through some arbitrary obstacles (other attractive people, not being able to see each other, getting grilled by overly dramatized parents, etc.) in order to get to the “outcome,” and in the case of both shows, that outcome is marriage.

I continued to say to my client, “Dating is not something you can rush through to just be in a relationship.”

He replied: “I want to be married.”

Me: “I think putting that pressure on yourself makes it feel like every date is an interview for a wife. No wonder it’s so exhausting. As hard as it may be, try to take that pressure off yourself.”

Him: “What’s the alternative? Besides having fun, enjoying the conversation, getting credit card points for paying, etc? Obviously I learn a lot from each interaction, both about myself and the other person.”

Me: “What, in your mind, is so grand about marriage? That stage requires work too. But different. It’s a moderately rhetorical question. Being married to the wrong person would be hell on earth, so why rush the part of finding her? Life doesn’t suddenly become rainbows and puppies when you’re in a serious relationship. You know that. That’s why I want to make sure you do take the time with the process and don’t feel every woman you meet is ‘the one’ or nothing. So many people think seriously dating and fun can’t go together. But they can… and should!”

I then shared that on The Bachelor (which I obviously watch for “work purposes”) there was a contestant this season, Kelley, who used the word “fun” a lot. “I want to have fun.” “Let’s have fun.” And, Peter, the bachelor himself, was bothered by this, replying, “I’m not here to have fun; I’m here to find a wife.” As if those things can’t co-exist. I don’t know about everyone else, but I think the goal for most people should be to have more fun in life, with or without a partner. Having fun does not lessen the seriousness of a situation… it amplifies the good ones.

My main issue with Love is Blind is that it reinforces this self-imposed (okay, Netflix-imposed) sprint to the altar. I know it makes for good TV, but does it make for a happy life? You need to take the time at the beginning of any dating or relationship situation to choose wisely. If you’re going to be with someone forever, why rush the initial stages? (And I’m not even addressing the “blind” concept of the show. Let’s just say that I wish they didn’t only choose conventionally attractive people.)

I know people are looking for that comfortable place where you can sit on the couch in your pajamas, but in doing that, you’re missing all of the good stuff—the butterflies and the basic information you need to know about the other person. Simple things, like whether someone is a night owl, or more serious ones, like whether you and your future partner can have serious conversations in a productive and non-defensive manner, can only be revealed by truly getting to know someone. It’s one thing to say you’re a certain way, but it’s another to show it. And time is the only way to show many things.

This show simply reinforces to me that the initial stages of dating should never be skipped just to have the “outcome” you want. What’s the point of the outcome if it’s not earned and grown with the right person? In the end, is it marriage for the sake of marriage, or is it marriage with a person who truly adds value to your life? I would always push for the latter since marriage is no prize if you’re not happy. There’s a big difference between “playing house” and making a home.

As I would say to my client or anyone else, it’s not “over” when you meet the right person—it’s just the beginning of a new, and often more complex, stage of life. And the “dating” should never stop, even if and when you find your person.

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January 15, 2020

I just got off the phone with a potential client. She’s in her mid-60s, lives in Chicago, is accomplished, and wants to find a partner now that she’s been divorced for a number of years. All of this sounds par for the course in terms of my regular clientele. Most people I work with are in the same predicament: divorced or widowed and looking to spend the rest of their lives with a loving partner.

Where the conversation took a turn, though, was when this woman (we’ll call her Susan) said to me, “I hate dating.” When someone makes such a strong comment, I immediately ask why they came to that conclusion. Too often it’s because of one bad experience. People tend to overlook the good and even ‘meh’ experiences when it comes to dating and only remember the negative ones. Such is life.

But her response wasn’t actually about one terrible date, as I thought it would be. Rather, she said, “It’s too time-consuming.” This is something I hear all the time, too. Online dating can often feel like a full-time job, which is often why some clients decide to use my services. I can take the work out of the process for them so that all they have to do is go on the dates.

But that also wasn’t what she was saying. She was saying that going on the dates themselves takes too much time! She went on to say, “I just want to be in a relationship. I hate dating!” Despite my best efforts to hold it in, I let out a little chuckle. I said, “You know every relationship has to start with a first date, right?” “Well, yes.” “And there’s no way to just fast forward to the relationship part without the dating part.”

This is where a lot of people get confused. In their minds, dating is a means to an end, that “end” being the relationship. But I would say that the early stages of dating are the most important part of any eventual relationship. It’s where you get to learn about each other, meet each other’s friends, have a first kiss, and explore the world through someone else’s eyes. And you get to share things about yourself, perhaps things you’ve never shared with anyone else. (And remember dating NATO?)

Yes, being in a relationship can be comfortable… sitting on the couch and watching Netflix with someone special can be the best feeling in the world. But I would never advise anyone to forgo the initial anxieties and butterflies to get to Netflix-watching. You will have missed all of the things that make this other person special. And they won’t know these things about you.

I know that it can feel frustrating to share your story over and over again when you’re dating. But rather than looking at the process like something you have to slog through in order to get to a relationship, try to think of this part instead as necessary building blocks. Without those, any relationship (or building) will fall down. You need a solid base first. And that solid base comes from dating.

As I closed the call with Susan, I told her this: “You’re going to go on some bad dates. I promise you that. You’re also going to go on some great dates. No one can prevent any of that, but it’s a necessary part of the process to get to the outcome you’re looking for.” Think she’ll decide to work with me? Time will tell.

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I can’t say I’ve ever read Marie Kondo’s “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up,” nor have I seen the uber-popular Netflix series that just came out. But, that doesn’t mean I don’t know what the craze is all about. Her contention is that by eliminating things from your life that don’t “spark joy,” you’ll not only be tidier, but you’ll also be happier. It makes perfect sense. I know that when I make my bed in the morning, I feel more at peace when I come home to a bed that’s ready for me to slink into. Or, when I take my clothes out of the dryer right away and fold them, I am happier than when I leave them in there for an extra day (or week?) to get cold and wrinkled. Now, we’re talking about “things” here. Things come into our lives for a certain period of time and sometimes significantly, but often unceremoniously, leave our lives.

In my work as a dating coach, I don’t deal with things; I work with people. Day in and day out, I see the inner workings of people, primarily in an emotional time in their lives—when they’re ready to meet a new partner. They want this partner to last their entire life, through thick and thin, sickness and health, teeth and dentures. I love this idea. My parents have been married for almost 40 years, which, in this day and age, is rare and beautiful. But how realistic is it? I know that I’m sharing my inner monologue here, but it’s something I think about often since I hear break-up and make-up stories every day.

So often, people consider anything short of a long-term relationship or marriage as a “failure.” Even when a relationship comes to fruition and does result in years of happiness or the “marriage” label, but then something, or nothing, happens to end that relationship, people still see the relationship itself—or even themselves—as less-than. That couldn’t be further from the truth, though. Just like many of the items Marie tells us to assess for that “joy” factor, they were perhaps once the most wonderful things, and now you may only have memories of them.

I have a dress I bought in 2008 when I was on a business school trip to India. My friend Sally and I bought matching ones, and I loved it beyond belief. It’s a tunic of sorts, but since she and I are both about 5’1, we wore it as a dress with leggings. It’s orange, and it has sequins on it. And a pattern. And so much flair. I wore that dress for years… until I didn’t. It’s not that I don’t like it anymore—quite the opposite—it’s just that tastes change. I have not applied the KonMarie method to that dress as of yet. Yes, it’s taking up space in my closet that could be devoted to something else—or nothing else—but I also don’t want to erase all of those years of joy. The reality of it, though, is that even if I donate the dress, it doesn’t erase those memories at all. In fact, I’d be ending the dress’ reign on a high note, rather than looking at it with disdain for the rest of my life because it’s something that I used to love but have no use for anymore.

Not all relationships are meant to go the distance. Some are, of course, but some run their course. That’s not inherently a bad thing. No, your marriage was not a failure if you were together for 10 years and made two beautiful children. It sparked a lot of joy in that time, did it not? It’s just that the joy, for whatever reason, ran its course. I’m not getting into the things one might do to potentially prevent this from happening—relationship counseling, date nights, etc.—but sometimes it’s inevitable.

So, no, we can’t KonMarie people (even if we want to sometimes), but we can assess people for the value they have—or had—in our lives. Relationships take work. Sometimes that work pays off, and sometimes, often through no fault of our own, it doesn’t. That’s okay. Something, or someone, new will bring joy into your life. Maybe not today or tomorrow or next week or next year. But acknowledging something good for what it was is a great place to start.

We can’t clean out memories in the same way we want to clean out our closets, but that’s the beauty of life. It’s full of memories, some good and some bad, but they make us who we are. Kind of like my orange sequin dress.

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