First, there’s a small problem here. While, yes, everyone has a “type,” I would not recommend being so narrow as to only look for who you think you want to be with. Someone may very well surprise you who is outside your normal realm of preferences. But there’s a bigger problem…

Here’s the issue with wanting to write to attract a certain type of person — we have no idea what that person is actually looking for!

I got this email the other day from a client:

“It just occurred to me that the last woman I dated was interested in my scuba diving picture from the beginning. It was the first thing she asked about, and we initially bonded over our shared experience in water adventures.

I’m looking for a woman who is as physically adventurous as I am, which means I’d like her to be comfortable with the risk level of scuba diving even if she’s not interested in that particular activity. (Though I haven’t been diving in probably six years.) Would you feel comfortable asking some of your single female friends if they think it’s a good fit for the profile?”

I’ve certainly never gotten that request before! But here’s the thing: No singular response is representative of “the type of woman” he’s looking for. I replied very simply, below:

“Thanks for asking! Here’s what I will ask you: Is scuba diving a representative part of your life? If yes, then we should include it. If not, then we shouldn’t. We could ask 10 women and get five for it and five against it, so what really matters is how well it gets to who you are.”

Swap scuba diving for anything, and the same is true. Your profile should represent who you are, not try to game the system into attracting someone in particular. Because whatever we think that person wants, we’re probably wrong. So just be yourself! The people who are attracted to you are the ones who like you for you, not because you tried to fit yourself into some mold.

To drive the point home, let’s look again at my first example: The target man in his 60s, well-educated, has grown kids, and lives in New York City. You might think, “Well, he probably wants someone also well-educated, so I should play up the fact that I have a PhD. And he likely wants someone who lives in the city, so I’ll mention that I’m in the East Village. And I’m guessing he likes someone with a more serious side, so I’ll be sure to show a photo of me doing something important.” Yes, someone may want this persona, but in reality, this man may instead want a woman who is nurturing, lives in the suburbs, and has a passion for dancing. The point is that we just don’t know.

So just be yourself. Make sure your profile and photos represent who you are today, not an aspirational you or a you who wants to fit into someone else’s mold. Trust me – if you’re 100% authentic, you won’t regret it.

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Depending on how long you’ve been on an online dating site, you can probably relate to that déjà-vu feeling you get when it feels like you’re reading the same profile over and over again.  Somehow, everyone is apparently wearing both little black dresses and flip flops, taking trips to Machu Picchu (did I miss a Groupon or something?), or simply “relaxing with Netflix and a glass of wine.”  Considering that it’s impossible for any of us to be exact physical replicas, why is it that every profile seems to use the same clichés as the last one?  Let’s examine 10 Phrases You Should Delete from Your Online Dating Profile:

1. I’m just as comfortable in a fancy dress (or tux for you gentlemen) as I am in jeans and flip flops.

This line is an attempt to show that you’re flexible and multi-faceted.  We get the message.  Most of us have a varied wardrobe.  Rather than discuss your clothing preferences, why don’t you talk about the things you like to do?  We can learn a lot more about you if you mention that you prefer a football game over a visit to an art gallery, regardless of what you’re hypothetically wearing.

2. I like to laugh and have fun.

My goodness… I hope you like to laugh and have fun!  The point is that, unless you like to frown and mope around all day (which I also wouldn’t write), this line could be true for just about anyone.

3. I can’t believe I’m actually on here.

This is a negative commentary on online dating.  Others might interpret this as, “I can’t believe I’ve fallen this low.  Only losers look for dates online, so I guess I’m a loser, too.”  Online dating is a wonderful thing.  Either embrace it or refrain from joining an online dating site until you can have a more positive attitude about it.

4. I love traveling.

Again, there are few people who don’t love to travel.  Instead, tell us more.  Do you like to take active road trips across the United States, or do you prefer to lounge on the beach in Cancun?  These details say a lot more about you than a generic statement about travel.

5. On a typical Friday night, I’m just as happy going out on the town as I am curled up on the couch with wine and a movie.

My response to this is similar to the one for the fancy dress/jeans conundrum, with this added advice: Stop trying to attract everyone.  While it may seem counterintuitive, I’m giving you explicit permission to turn some people off in your profile.  Think about it—it’s more important to be the genuine you than the version you think people want to see, or the version that tries to attract every single person on the site.  Just be yourself.  That way, you know that when someone is interested, it’s because he or she likes what you have to say, not just the fact that you were trying to be inclusive.

6. My family and friends are important to me.

Another shocker!  There’s no need to spell this one out because people already assume that family and friends are important to you, not the contrary.

7. My friends say that I’m… (insert a list of complimentary adjectives).

Of course your friends would say all of these great things about you—they’re already your friends!  This could also be construed as a way of trying to appear humble, which can backfire in two ways: 1) it can make you appear insecure (do you not think these things about yourself?) or 2) it still sounds like you’re bragging.

Naturally, this brings me to an important point about “empty adjectives.”  An empty adjective is a descriptor that can’t be proven until someone gets to know you.  For example, I might say that I’m funny, but how would you confirm if that’s true?  Maybe some people find me hilarious (usually the ones who love puns and wordplay), but others aren’t amused.

8. I’m down-to-earth.

I would love to see a profile that says, “I’m kind of an airhead… but a sweet one.”  This is very subjective, which again characterizes it as an empty adjective.

9. I love life.

Just like #2, I hope you love life!  Remember, just because you don’t use the line “I love life” in your profile, does not mean that you hate life instead.  It simply gives you space to share the more interesting things that do make your life so great.

10. I’m looking for a partner in crime.

Unless your name is Bonnie or Clyde, there’s no reason to include this overused cliché.

Now’s your chance: Take some time to review your profile, and if you find any of these overused, cliché phrases, it’s time to hit the backspace button, put on your creativity cap, and set yourself apart from the other online dating clones.

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.

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May 30, 2014

When you go to a bookstore, would you rather buy the book with the line, “This book is about a woman’s adventure and coming of age,” or the one with the line, “Read a rare tale about a woman’s 14-month trek through the Amazon to learn about love, hope, passion, and most importantly, herself”?  I know which I’d buy, and I’d venture to say that you would, too.

On most of the dating sites, just a few words of your profile are shown.  Someone needs to actively click on you to see the rest.  For that reason, it’s important to make the first sentence memorable in order to catch someone’s attention and make him or her want to click in the first place.

Believe it or not, when perusing online dating profiles, people are often using the same criteria as those from the bookstore.  I’m not saying that you have to include mystery, intrigue, and drama all within one sentence.  (In fact, drama is usually something people do not want to see in an online dating profile!)  What I am saying, though, is that you should consider the first line of your profile as a “hook.”  It should be something to draw people in.  With so many people using online dating sites and so many profiles to weed through, it’s best to take that one extra step to make sure you’re catching someone’s eye.

Below are some real examples from popular online dating sites of boring opening lines.  And then I’ll show a few examples that make the cut.

• Yes, I am single. I am throwing it out there!

I sure hope you’re single if you’re using online dating!

• For the past few years, I’ve lived under the assumption that I’d meet someone in my normal circles of work, friends, and activities.

I’d say most people would have made that assumption.  La dee da.

• So… I have never done this online dating thing before, and I’m still on the fence about how I feel about it.

This one is not only boring, but it’s also negative. 

• I enjoy life and like to have fun.

This is the worst!  Raise your hand if you don’t enjoy life and like to have fun.  I better not see any hands raised!

Ready for the examples of some great intros?  Here we go.

• Being an engineer, the last time I wrote this profile, I approached it like a car engine… it functioned okay and got 32 miles/gallon, but it didn’t attract women.  (This was kind of a problem.)

He’s able to make fun of himself.  Many people see this as a very attractive quality in a partner since he doesn’t take himself too seriously.

• I like extra salted buttered popcorn and malt balls at the movies.

She sounds like fun.  Heck – I want to get to know her!

• Most people say that they don’t want drama in a relationship, right?  But what if your partner’s a theater teacher?  I think I just found the loophole.

This is hysterical.  Not only is it a commentary on dating, but it also shares what she does for a living and shows that she has a clever sense of humor. She gets an A.  

Even if two profiles were identical except for the first line, would you rather read one from the first grouping or one from the second?  Don’t let people pass you by simply because your first line bored them to sleep.  Remember: When they go to the online dating bookstore, you want them to leave with your profile… or at least smile and send you an email to say hello.

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