Have you ever come across an online dating profile that you like, you want to send a message, and then you have a strong bout of writer’s block? It turns out you’re not alone. Many people have no idea what to say in an initial online dating email (or text, if we’re talking about apps) to show someone that they have an interest in communicating and potentially meeting. For this reason, it’s best to give these potential suitors (or suitoresses?) one more thing to comment about. In other words, provide them with some “email bait.”

In my old JDate profile (LovesLifeDC), I had a photo of myself singing the National Anthem. I got almost daily emails asking where I was singing and how I got the gig. (Answers: A Washington Nationals game. A good demo and a lot of persistence. It was one of the best nights of my life… until I almost ran out of gas on the way home. I’ll save that story for a rainy day.) This picture alone gave men the “in” they needed to strike up a conversation with me.

Other examples of some of my clients’ interesting pictures have been:
– A woman playing ice hockey in full gear
– A guy dressed as a clown since he performs for children every Sunday
– A woman climbing a tree at a winery
– A guy singing with a mariachi band
– A woman posing next to a sign saying “Completely Nuts” (Oh wait – that was me again!)

As a side note, I think I can speak for most of my fair gender when I say that we don’t care how big the fish you caught was. Compensating for something, perhaps?

To show a real-life example, I’m going to use a photo of yours truly:

This picture, while fine, is not really showing anything special.

Now, let’s look at this one:

This picture instead shows me performing with Story League, something I like to do to get my creative juices flowing. It could easily generate questions like:

– Where are you speaking? (Busboys & Poets)
– Do you do that often? (Every month or two)
– What was that particular story about? (A text message gone awfully wrong)
– Do you always wear glasses? (Only if I want to see you from far away!)

These two pictures were taken the exact same night, but one would do much better online.

The moral: Many people have no idea what to say in the initial email, so give them something easy to comment about, or “email bait.”

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Time sure does fly, doesn’t it?  It’s a new year, and with that comes a new outlook, maybe some new clothes, and, of course, some new people on all of the online dating sites.  (And don’t forget about all of the new single people after the turkey drop and holiday season break-ups.)

As we enter a new year of dating, with first dates abounding, it’s important to remember some helpful tips for achieving dating bliss in 2014:

1. Remain optimistic.

Have you ever been on a date where your date walks in, and he or she just looks miserable?  Or maybe you were the one on your fourth online date in a week, and you’re just jaded by the whole process.  That aura of negativity really sucks the life out of a date.  If you’re not ready to be dating, say after a break-up, that’s A-ok.  But when you are ready, it’s best to go in with a smile.

2.  Focus on the big picture, not the small stuff.

Your date tells you that he’s into some obscure indie band that you heard once and hated.  Is your potential relationship doomed?  Of course not, but sadly, a lot of people take tastes and hobbies more into account than what’s really important – values.  I’d rather know whether someone is close to his family than whether he reads only historical fiction.  It’s obviously nice to have hobbies in common (though I’m glad no one I ever dated played Mahjong like I do!), but in the end, small differences in tastes likely don’t amount to the demise of a relationship.

3. Ask questions.

No one wants to go on a date where one person is talking the entire time.  In order to encourage a healthy back-and-forth, the best thing you can do is to ask your date some questions.  (Hopefully he or she will do the same in return and not take that as a cue to ramble on for an hour straight!)  The questions that have the most luck require more than a simple one-word answer.  You want to get the person thinking.  For example, rather than asking, “What do you do?” (perhaps the most boring question in the book), you could ask, “What made you decide to get into medicine?” or “How do you enjoy your job as a pediatrician?  I imagine it must be very rewarding.”  The first question allows your date to simply say, “I’m a doctor,” but the other two require a bit of introspection, leading to a more thoughtful conversation… and perhaps a second date.

4. Have confidence.

A little confidence goes a long way.  Be decisive, be proud of who you are, have the courage of your convictions, and tell someone how you feel.  These pointers can carry over into other aspects of life as well.  Sometimes you have to talk the talk and walk the walk of confidence for a while, but eventually it’ll catch up to you.

So go out there and have some fun in 2014, and remember these pointers to give your dating life a boost. 

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I’m smart, funny, and attractive.

I’m humble, successful, and kind.

I’m romantic, thoughtful, and trustworthy.

I’m sexy, passionate, and fearless.

I’m compassionate, honest, and friendly.

How many times have we seen lines like these in online dating profiles? If I had a nickel for every time I saw what I call an “empty adjective,” I’d be a very rich lady. What is an empty adjective? It’s a word that you use to describe yourself that can’t be proven until someone gets to know you. For example, I might say that I’m funny, but how would you know if that’s the truth? Maybe I’m funny to some people (the ones who love puns and wordplay) but not to others. Or maybe my definition of honest is telling someone she has spinach in her teeth, but your definition is giving back the extra penny if they accidentally give it to you at Trader Joe’s. A long time ago, I dated someone for a few months who said in his JDate profile, “I’m really romantic.” Was he? Not at all. The curse of the empty adjective strikes again.

This is where the concept of “show, don’t tell” really comes into play. For example, rather than saying that you’re funny, say something that you find funny. That way, you’re not only getting your point across, but you’re differentiating yourself from everyone who simply states, “I’m funny,” or worse, “My friends tell me I’m funny.” The latter is just a way to say the same thing while attempting to be humble. Sadly, it doesn’t work.

Let’s think of a story for some of the adjectives above:

Friendly: I tend to walk into a room and immediately ask people’s names – the cashier at The Container Store, the doorman/woman at my building, the parking attendant at school, the baker at Safeway. I may not remember them all, but I always ask!

Fearless: Despite my fear of flying, I knew I had to go to India as my culminating trip for business school. I may or may not have hyperventilated a bit. And then I realized, “I can do this!” Since then, I’ve been to 12 countries in the last four years.

Trustworthy: It wasn’t until many years after college that I realized everyone on my dorm floor had put me down as their emergency contact. They must have really trusted me… or knew I’d have nothing else going on.

Funny: I’m a dog lover, especially when it comes to my wise old dachshund. Unfortunately, he doesn’t enjoy dining out quite as much as I do (he likes the leftovers, though), he can’t read the subtitles of the documentaries I watch, he can’t help me with that pesky last letter of the crossword puzzle, and when it comes to dancing, well, he has two left feet… literally.

Words like attractive, sexy, young-looking, and fit don’t need to be stated at all because someone can decide that for him or herself simply from looking at your photos.

These empty adjectives will get glossed over and end up having the opposite effect of what you want – they’ll become meaningless. Remember: Be sure to set yourself apart and not get caught in the… dun dun dun… curse of the empty adjective.

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There’s a section on Plenty of Fish, Jdate, and a few other sites that says, “My perfect first date.” As I peruse people’s responses, I’m overwhelmed by the sheer number of people who say, “Dinner,” or worse, “A nice, long dinner.” I don’t know about you, but I’d be hard-pressed to devote two hours of my life to someone I’ve never met in person. Now, I’m not saying you can’t have dinner with someone on the first date – quite the opposite. But instead of scheduling it ahead of time, you should just leave the option open. You can always add dinner, but you can’t take it back.

On my first date with Jeremy, we made plans to meet after work for a drink. I had arranged to meet up with a friend at a party later that night, so that when the drink was over (or if the date wasn’t going well), I had my out. And I was actually looking forward to the party. I warned my friend, though, that if I ended up liking this guy, I wouldn’t be joining her and the others. Lo and behold, I did have fun, and I did like this guy. Jeremy asked me if I wanted to have dinner after the drink, and I agreed. (Even though I had already eaten after work since I didn’t know when I’d have a chance to have dinner!) It ended up being a six-hour date… and the rest is history. (We now have an official move-in date!)

It’s ok to make plans that aren’t set in stone after a date. You shouldn’t schedule one-on-one plans because you don’t want to stand your friend up, but it’s ok to have plans with a group or a party… or with a glass of wine on your couch watching Beaches if you’re so inclined. That way, if the date doesn’t go well, it’s no biggie – you have other plans to look forward to and can salvage the night. And if it does go well, you can continue the fun date, like I did. Back-to-back booking is ok? You bet.

So, rather than committing to dinner on “your perfect first date,” how about this instead: “We start out with a drink, and six hours, some dinner, and some flirtatious banter later, we’re still enjoying each other’s company.” That sounds pretty perfect to me.

Curious to know what my “perfect first date” section said? Click here.

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

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