First, there’s a small problem here. While, yes, everyone has a “type,” I would not recommend being so narrow as to only look for who you think you want to be with. Someone may very well surprise you who is outside your normal realm of preferences. But there’s a bigger problem…

Here’s the issue with wanting to write to attract a certain type of person — we have no idea what that person is actually looking for!

I got this email the other day from a client:

“It just occurred to me that the last woman I dated was interested in my scuba diving picture from the beginning. It was the first thing she asked about, and we initially bonded over our shared experience in water adventures.

I’m looking for a woman who is as physically adventurous as I am, which means I’d like her to be comfortable with the risk level of scuba diving even if she’s not interested in that particular activity. (Though I haven’t been diving in probably six years.) Would you feel comfortable asking some of your single female friends if they think it’s a good fit for the profile?”

I’ve certainly never gotten that request before! But here’s the thing: No singular response is representative of “the type of woman” he’s looking for. I replied very simply, below:

“Thanks for asking! Here’s what I will ask you: Is scuba diving a representative part of your life? If yes, then we should include it. If not, then we shouldn’t. We could ask 10 women and get five for it and five against it, so what really matters is how well it gets to who you are.”

Swap scuba diving for anything, and the same is true. Your profile should represent who you are, not try to game the system into attracting someone in particular. Because whatever we think that person wants, we’re probably wrong. So just be yourself! The people who are attracted to you are the ones who like you for you, not because you tried to fit yourself into some mold.

To drive the point home, let’s look again at my first example: The target man in his 60s, well-educated, has grown kids, and lives in New York City. You might think, “Well, he probably wants someone also well-educated, so I should play up the fact that I have a PhD. And he likely wants someone who lives in the city, so I’ll mention that I’m in the East Village. And I’m guessing he likes someone with a more serious side, so I’ll be sure to show a photo of me doing something important.” Yes, someone may want this persona, but in reality, this man may instead want a woman who is nurturing, lives in the suburbs, and has a passion for dancing. The point is that we just don’t know.

So just be yourself. Make sure your profile and photos represent who you are today, not an aspirational you or a you who wants to fit into someone else’s mold. Trust me – if you’re 100% authentic, you won’t regret it.

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The world has been massively disrupted by the coronavirus pandemic over the past 10 months, and the dating scene is no exception — ask anyone who has debated meeting for socially distanced drinks with a complete stranger. Although singles are getting creative with ways to meet new people by replacing in-person first dates with Zoom, FaceTime, and phone calls, some rude behavior unfortunately still remains.

While there’s almost nothing worse than being stood up for a real date — awkwardly sitting at the bar alone, checking and re-checking your texts to make sure you got the date, time, and location correct — getting ghosted on a virtual meeting is up there. And sadly, from my recent experiences with clients, it’s happening far too often.

Just because a date isn’t in-person doesn’t mean you shouldn’t uphold your promises. If you make plans to chat on the phone or set up a Zoom meeting on a certain day and time, that commitment should be honored — plain and simple. It’s still a date.

Anyone who has experimented with online dates knows that there are advantages to the new way of doing things. You don’t have to worry about making reservations at a restaurant, no awkward “sorry, I hit traffic and can’t find parking” texts, and pajama bottoms are perfectly acceptable attire (as long as you make some effort on your visible outfit …and don’t stand up!). But at the same time, it’s still a date — along with all the effort that typically goes into one.

A no-show on your Zoom call (or a last-minute cancellation, for that matter) means you wasted someone else’s time. They likely took a shower, perhaps did their hair and makeup, and put on clothes (a rarity these days!) to look their best for you. Even setting up a Zoom meeting requires a few minutes of time, as does straightening up their home or finding a quiet spot so your time won’t be interrupted by a roommate or pet.

Even if someone hops on a call after work with little to no preparation, everyone is very busy with their jobs and other responsibilities. I can think of a million things I could get done instead of sitting at a computer waiting for a date to sign on, only to have the date flake on the entire thing.

And we haven’t even spoken about the nerves associated with a date! You may be calm, cool, and collected, but a lot of people can’t help but feel a knot in their stomach as your date time approaches. Those butterflies are usually led by excitement, but it’s not exactly a pleasant feeling — only to be for nothing when someone decides to skip without warning.

Of course, things come up. A late work meeting gets scheduled, a child’s dentist appointment gets moved, or your internet is down. That’s fine — but you need to let your date know as soon as possible. A simple text or message on the dating app stating what happened and asking for a good time to reschedule is easy to do and much appreciated on the other side.

There’s also a chance another relationship is progressing that you want to focus on, or after another look at the other person’s profile, you decide your date is likely not a match after all. Still, you need to communicate that you won’t be making yourself available for your scheduled date. Be polite yet straightforward — and most importantly, no ghosting.

Dating in the current climate is hard enough. Don’t make it even more difficult by wasting someone else’s time.

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January 15, 2020

I just got off the phone with a potential client. She’s in her mid-60s, lives in Chicago, is accomplished, and wants to find a partner now that she’s been divorced for a number of years. All of this sounds par for the course in terms of my regular clientele. Most people I work with are in the same predicament: divorced or widowed and looking to spend the rest of their lives with a loving partner.

Where the conversation took a turn, though, was when this woman (we’ll call her Susan) said to me, “I hate dating.” When someone makes such a strong comment, I immediately ask why they came to that conclusion. Too often it’s because of one bad experience. People tend to overlook the good and even ‘meh’ experiences when it comes to dating and only remember the negative ones. Such is life.

But her response wasn’t actually about one terrible date, as I thought it would be. Rather, she said, “It’s too time-consuming.” This is something I hear all the time, too. Online dating can often feel like a full-time job, which is often why some clients decide to use my services. I can take the work out of the process for them so that all they have to do is go on the dates.

But that also wasn’t what she was saying. She was saying that going on the dates themselves takes too much time! She went on to say, “I just want to be in a relationship. I hate dating!” Despite my best efforts to hold it in, I let out a little chuckle. I said, “You know every relationship has to start with a first date, right?” “Well, yes.” “And there’s no way to just fast forward to the relationship part without the dating part.”

This is where a lot of people get confused. In their minds, dating is a means to an end, that “end” being the relationship. But I would say that the early stages of dating are the most important part of any eventual relationship. It’s where you get to learn about each other, meet each other’s friends, have a first kiss, and explore the world through someone else’s eyes. And you get to share things about yourself, perhaps things you’ve never shared with anyone else. (And remember dating NATO?)

Yes, being in a relationship can be comfortable… sitting on the couch and watching Netflix with someone special can be the best feeling in the world. But I would never advise anyone to forgo the initial anxieties and butterflies to get to Netflix-watching. You will have missed all of the things that make this other person special. And they won’t know these things about you.

I know that it can feel frustrating to share your story over and over again when you’re dating. But rather than looking at the process like something you have to slog through in order to get to a relationship, try to think of this part instead as necessary building blocks. Without those, any relationship (or building) will fall down. You need a solid base first. And that solid base comes from dating.

As I closed the call with Susan, I told her this: “You’re going to go on some bad dates. I promise you that. You’re also going to go on some great dates. No one can prevent any of that, but it’s a necessary part of the process to get to the outcome you’re looking for.” Think she’ll decide to work with me? Time will tell.

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I did something recently that I don’t usually do—I tried to prove myself wrong.

As a dating coach, the advice I give is what I know to work. Even if it works 90% of the time, I’ll still advise it. Especially since I can’t, of course, control how other people react.

If you’ve been reading my column long enough, you’ll know that I often call texting “the death of the first date” or “the place where dates go to die.” (I’m not usually this morbid. Promise.) So at one point, as I managed my own Bumble account, I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was chatting someone who, after a few messages back and forth about our dogs and weekend plans, asked for my number. Actually, he said, “Maybe you’d like to meet up?” (While I’m glad he asked, I have a personal pet peeve with the “up.” Are you trying to make it seem more casual? I’d just like to meet. Period.) Regardless, I replied, “That sounds nice!” Then, he asked, “Why don’t you shoot me your number?”

Normally, I would advise a client to say, “You know, it actually helps me stay organized to arrange the details on here, but I’m happy to plan something for this weekend.” It works like a charm. It pushes for the date while keeping the communication on the dating app so the conversation doesn’t go into the texting abyss, as it so often does.

But I decided to use this as an opportunity to re-assess my views. I realize that this sample size of one cannot draw conclusions, yet the behavior I saw was exactly as I predicted it would be:

Him: Hey this is your bumble prince [The lack of punctuation when writing to a writer is not lost on me.]

Me: Can you really be my Bumble prince if you don’t have an iPhone? [His texts were green, meaning that we’re not using iMessage, meaning that he doesn’t have an iPhone.]

Him: Yes ma’am! I make up for it

Me: We will see!

Him: Haha I’m already getting judged

Me: Not at all.

Him: Just giving you a hard time!

Me: I got it!

Him: How’s your day going? [Note: This is where things always go downhill.]

Me: Super busy actually!! [Note: It was 1 PM on a weekday!]

Him: Ohh well then I can text you later

Me: Great!

After one more “How’s the day been??” three hours later, when I was still working, and I responded as such (though very nicely), he was never to be heard from again. Yes, I could have pushed things along if I wanted to. But I didn’t.

As I told a client yesterday, texting before a first date is like driving a new car off the lot—it depreciates immediately. I’d venture to say that once the phone number is given on the app, there’s a 60% chance that the first date will no longer happen. Why? People get lazy. They text, “How is your day?” vs. “Let’s confirm our plans for Sunday. How’s 4 PM in Shaw?” Or someone says something that gets misconstrued. Or someone sends something inappropriate. You might be thinking, “Wouldn’t I want to know if someone is like that before we meet?” Sure. But I still want you to just get to the date in order to make the assessment for yourself. 

So, as much as I wanted to prove myself wrong, I stand by my advice to keep the date planning on the dating apps and then only exchange numbers at the last minute for contingencies. People get in their own way without knowing it. Don’t let them.

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1. Having your phone out or texting someone else

It’s rude—plain and simple. When you have your phone out, the other person assumes that you’re looking for better plans or would jump to leave at the first ding of a text. Try, for the duration of the date, to put your phone away. (And “away” does not mean screen-side down. It means out of view.) An exception, of course, is if you’re expecting a call or text. Then, simply tell your date up front.

2. Talking about your ex/past relationships

If you’re talking about your ex in a positive light, it looks like you’re not over that person. And if you’re talking about your ex in a negative light, it looks like you’re not over that person… and likely somewhat bitter about it.

A few years ago, I went on a date with someone I had matched with on Tinder. He seemed nice enough… until he mentioned his ex-wife. I didn’t ask any questions about that relationship because it’s really not my business, and I encourage people to keep things light on the first date. Without any prompting, he proceeded to tell me a long list of negative things about her and how she made him miserable, in addition to telling me that she had a mental illness. A few thoughts immediately went through my mind:

–        He’s not over her.

–        If he speaks that poorly of her, what would he say about me one day?

–        He shares very personal information about other people with strangers.

I was certainly flattered that he felt comfortable enough to share this information with me, but it was completely inappropriate in that setting (at a bar, mind you). He also did not pick up on my cues to change the direction of the conversation. While he and I didn’t have enough in common to warrant another date anyway, the fact that he spent the majority of the date bashing his ex sealed the deal for me.

Some people think it’s fun to share sob stories. It’s not… at least not on a first date, when you should simply be seeing if you have rapport with someone.

3. Being late with no notice or being excessively late, even with notice

You’re running late. Things happen. Be kind enough to notify your date with ample time, if possible.

I once had a date that started at 3 PM. I arrived at 2:59 and didn’t see him, so I texted to ask if he was inside. He replied at 3:04 that he was on his way. He arrived at 3:08 with no apology. I wouldn’t have cared at all that he was running late. But, the fact that he didn’t tell me in advance—and didn’t apologize—was enough to make me annoyed. Remember that your time is no more valuable than anyone else’s.

4. Being rude to a server… or anyone

Treat people kindly, no matter who they are.

5. Having bad hygiene

Check your breath, iron your shirt, blow your nose, comb your hair, and otherwise present a clean, put-together appearance.

6. Talking about any one topic (especially work… or yourself) too much

If you talk about work the whole time, it feels like an interview. If you talk about yourself, you sound self-absorbed. Make sure the conversation is a give-and-take and it flows.

7. Not tipping well

Be generous. Tip well.

8. Flipping the “off” switch if not interested

Sometimes you walk into a date, and you know within the first five minutes that it’s not a match. That’s okay—it happens! But, rather than running through your grocery list in your head during the date, try to stay present and engaged. You both made the time to be there, so it’s best to make the most of it, learn something, and try to enjoy yourself in some capacity.

Now that you know what not to do, it’s time to get dating. And don’t forget to smile!

All of these pointers, and more, can also be found in the FREE DATING CHEAT SHEET you can use today. (Feel free to pass along to friends as well.)

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While a lot of the advice I give revolves around how to get the first date, even more important is how to nail that first date. First dates can be nerve-wracking, whether you’re a seasoned dater or not. Let’s take a look at some tips for the all-important first date:

What not to do on a first date:

1. Have your phone out or text
2. Talk about your ex, positively or negatively
3. Be late without notice
4. Be excessively late, with or without notice
5. Be rude to a server… or anyone
6. Drink too much
7. Talk about work the entire time
8. Have bad breath/hygiene
9. Talk about marriage (either your future one or what went wrong in your last one)
10. Fail to tip well
11. Talk about yourself too much
12. Be fake or some false version of yourself
13. Flip the “off” switch if no attraction

The last point always gets some questions. Sometimes we walk into a date and know within a matter of minutes that there is no physical attraction whatsoever. I’m a big believer that attraction can grow, but in order to grow, there at least has to be a little seedling to start. If there’s not, many people will just turn off, or no longer be present on the date. This means that you’re not only wasting your time but your date’s as well. Rather than deciding that this date is a failure at the get-go, instead, reframe your mind. Could this person teach you something? Could he or she be a business contact? When you frame things as, “What can I get out of this interaction?” then it’s a more pleasant experience for both of you.

What to do on a first date:

1. Confirm one day before the date (via text is A-okay)
2. Arrive on time
3. Greet each other with a casual hug (hug = date, handshake = interview)
4. Wear clothes to match the venue
5. Put the phone away (Yes, away!)
6. Smile and remain positive
7. Ask questions
8. Have a two-sided conversation
9. Most importantly… have fun!

One additional point about confirming a day before the date. Use the confident “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” vs. “Are we still on?” If someone is inclined to cancel, it won’t matter how you ask, so you might as well show your self-confidence.

Body language—how to increase the “flirt factor” on the date:

1. Face your date: Are your knees facing your date or turned away? The more you point them towards your date, the more likely you are into him/her, and vice versa.

2. Sit next to or catty-corner rather than across: It’s much easier to have a more intimate, and less interview-like conversation this way.

3. Maintain eye contact: If you want someone to know you’re truly listening, then make the appropriate eye contact.

4. Again… Don’t forget to smile

There are no right or wrong questions to ask on a date, but the ones that do better require more than a simple one-word answer. For example, “What made you passionate about medicine?” is more interesting than “What do you do?”

Some other ideas:

1. How was your day? (Often overlooked, but a great conversation starter.)
2. What do you like to do after work?
3. What made you decide to move to this area, and how do you like it?
4. What does your ideal Sunday look like?

All of these questions are things the other person already knows about him or herself, so it doesn’t require too much introspection. Then you can delve deeper:

Level 1: What do you do?

Level 2: Have you always had a passion for medicine and animals?

Level 3: What are some of the more memorable stories from your job?

Level 4: Were you scared when you thought that sweet cat wasn’t going to make it?

Remember that, in dating, there’s no perfect science… far from it. But using these pointers will at least get you on the right track… and potentially a second date!

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I just read this article in Business Insider the other day called “Posing this simple question to a first date will help you decide if you have a future together.” As a dating coach who gives plenty of first-date advice, I was obviously curious to see what this “simple question” could be. I tell my clients to start a date with “How was your day?” to get the ball rolling and show that they want to hear what the other person has to say. Or, maybe it was going to be “What’s your ideal Sunday morning?” to see if you have similar lifestyle habits. Sadly, it was not. It was instead, “So how come someone as wonderful as you is still single?” I was appalled.

To start, this question is a back-handed compliment at its finest, with undertones of “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why does no one else want you?” This question immediately puts the person at the receiving end on the defensive, when that person has nothing at all to be defensive about. At best, the person can deflect this question by saying something like, “Aren’t you lucky that I am?” or “So I could meet people like you!” But this is just a way to move past the uncomfortable part. Remember that being single is not a crime. In fact, it’s a valid life choice that many people desire.

What is most bothersome is the word “still” here, as if one thinks you’ve been single since the day you came out of the womb. The reality is that we never know the other person’s story. Perhaps this person has been single for a month, after a breakup. Does that imply “still single”? Or, perhaps, god forbid, this person’s partner passed away. Does that imply “still single”? Or, maybe that person was taking some much-needed self-reflection time (which is too often overlooked) before dating again. Does that imply “still single”? Let’s dissociate the word “still” from “single” immediately. If someone is single and dating, then use the term “available,” not “still single.” Someone available can be an asset to you. Someone available connotes scarcity, that he or she won’t be available for long. Someone “still single” is deemed lagging or behind, and that is not the case at all.

Asking why someone is still single also implies that being in a relationship is the one and only best outcome for everyone. That’s simply not the case. I’d much rather be judged for being “still single” than in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill me or that makes me feel badly about myself. Yet, someone in people’s minds, relationship status overshadows single status every time. Let’s end that thinking.

When you go on a date, the focus should be on the present, not the past. For that reason, I discourage my clients from discussing past relationships on the first date. I want to make sure they have some rapport first before getting into the nitty gritty details of a divorce or break-up on a first date, or ever. Talking about prior relationships often brings up difficult feelings, usually negative, and takes the tone of the date down. Talk about things that make you happy, what you like to do, and who you are as a person… not who you used to be, and who you used to be with.

The author’s rationale is that someone will either hold him or herself accountable for the last relationship ending or not. That’s some deep stuff for a first date. I’d argue that you can learn just as much, if not more, about someone by asking “How was your day?” If someone goes into a tirade about his or her boss not being fair, that is very telling. Or, if someone is so excited because of a surprise Mexican food luncheon at work that day, that also gives us useful information.

So, do you want to know one surefire way to doom a first date? Ask “So how come someone as wonderful as you is still single?”

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I have a client who is lovely. She is 55 years old but looks 45 (which I rarely say!), extremely physically active, and has a smile for miles. I’m helping her manage her Match.com account—selecting men, helping arrange dates, etc.

She had a first date recently with a gentleman from the site, and they met at a dimly lit wine bar. I have clients fill out a short survey right after each date that I set up so I can get a sense of how it went. With permission from her to post, excerpts from the survey read: “Yes, this was a quality guy. Good find!” and “I found myself more and more attracted to him as the date passed.” On the scale of 1 to 10, she gave the date an 8, saying, “I liked him – he has a laid back disposition, he speaks calmly but he is very interesting and has done a lot of interesting things in his life – we had a lot of similar interests.”

I was thrilled. She was thrilled. They arranged a second date. That second date happened, and I received this email right afterward:

“I am just back from my second date. I am completely perplexed… I feel [he] is not what he put forward on his profile. He is laid back and very adventuresome… or was. But something tells me something is not right… such a difficult feeling to sort through. It’s not like I can say, ‘What year were you born? Show me your birth certificate!’ He is nice, but I feel he is much older than 58. Or, am I not in touch with myself and this is what a match is for me??”

I was certainly disheartened when I saw this note. The power of dim lighting on the first date perhaps had more of an impact than she thought? Much worse than the date not going well, though, my client started to doubt herself.

Now, I never do this, but I was curious, so, using the little information I had from his Match account, I did a bit of sleuthing and found her date’s profile on LinkedIn. (Honestly, I was surprised she hadn’t beaten me to it!) Assuming he graduated college at 22, using my elementary school math skills, that would have put him at 64 years old, not 58. For the record, lying online is not okay. Not ever.

When my client and I spoke, she was very upset. Rather than simply being upset with her date for portraying himself inaccurately, though, she was upset about her dating life as a whole. In her eyes, what message was she sending to attract this “old man”? Was she lowering her standards? Was this really the only type of man she could “get”? She went as far as asking me if she should start grilling all of her next dates about the year they are born and their past relationship history.

I cut her off with a resounding NO. She was, unfortunately, letting this one man’s lie impact her self-worth. He should not, nor should anyone, have that power. I told her that his lack of confidence made him hide his real age. That had nothing to do with her. I told her that she can’t project this one man’s behavior on other dates, thereby penalizing them before she even meets them.

She had a major high after the first date and then a major low after the second. I encouraged her, as I would with any client, to remember that your dating life is not only as good as your last date. Take each date for what it is—one date. Like in the law of large numbers, the more dates you go on, the less sway each one should have. With not very many in her sample size, each one can really impact what she perceives as the average. As she, and you, go on more dates, you’ll see that it’s important to treat each one separately, not let one person determine your self-worth, and try to go into each new experience with an open mind and an open heart.

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Isn’t it exciting when you meet someone and finally feel that long sought-after connection that you were beginning to think was rarer than an eclipse? The first date went really well. There’s no question about that. But after the first date, we start to question ourselves. Did she think it went as well as I thought it did? Did he just laugh at my cheesy pun about Miley Cyrus just to be nice? Did she only order that second glass of Malbec to help take the edge off of the painfully awkward silences?

There’s only one cure to these concerns, and it’s not a therapist… it’s communication.

I remember back in the day, I went out with a guy I really liked who we’ll call Matt. We had a few good dates, but when I left each one, I was always unclear about where I stood. I even remember leaving him a voicemail after about the third date and kicking myself afterwards for being too long-winded and rambling about nothing. Did I even say my name in the message? What if Matt thought, “How can I date a girl who can’t even leave a coherent voicemail?” And the kicker was that I didn’t hear from him for a day or two after I had left the message. I had already talked myself out of the relationship when he finally called back and, lo and behold, asked me out again. It was a vicious cycle of living conversation to conversation and always being on edge until the next time we talked.

Now picture this instead: You go on a great first date. You grab a few drinks. You have a great connection. There is no way this will not lead to a second date. And before you even have time to over-analyze the situation, you have an e-mail in your inbox (or a voicemail on your phone) the next day saying what a great time your date had, ending with the question of when you’re free to go out again. And so you continue, date after date, communicating and setting up the next date and the next. You have no reason to worry, and that’s how it should be. As my mom always used to tell me, “Erika, when someone likes you, you’ll know.”

Living conversation to conversation, getting stressed and then put at ease, worried and then relieved, is no way to live. When someone likes you, there are no guessing games. Well, there may be some, but they are the fun ones, like, “Where did you pick for us to go to dinner tonight?” As we get older and more mature, playing hard-to-get becomes over-rated. What’s the big deal if you let someone know you like him or her? Nothing! And if you don’t, please be so kind as to let the other person know so the soon-to-be disappointed party doesn’t have to go through the ups and downs that living conversation to conversation causes.

Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future post? Date411@alittlenudge.com

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We all know what an obstacle is. According to our good friends Merriam and Webster, an obstacle is, “something that impedes progress or achievement.” Now, what if that “something” is you?

In dating, there are so many potential obstacles to that first date:
1. Emailing someone online
2. Talking on the phone (I actually never recommend this… article coming on the topic soon.)
3. Text messaging before the date

Each of these obstacles listed above is a potential rejection point for your date to decide not to go out with you (and vice versa). I know I’m a former economist and all, but you don’t need to be a math whiz to know that by removing one of these potential rejection points, the probability of actually getting to the date is greater.

Let’s look at a few scenarios below:

At each point, the date is presumed to have messed up in some way, but there may be an explanation for it. For Endless Emailer Ethan, perhaps he just doesn’t know how online dating works. Give him the benefit of the doubt and (gasp!) even suggest meeting him. For Chatty Cathy on the phone, perhaps she just talks too much when she gets nervous, but as she gets to know you, she calms down a bit and actually breathes between talking about her precious cockatoo and her trip to Finland last year. And for Texting Timmy, maybe he’s just plain excited to go out with a great catch like you. It’s better than the alternative – not contacting you at all. Simply saying, “I’m not really a huge texter,” should do the trick.

Do Ethan, Cathy, and Timmy hit a bit close to home? Or maybe you’ve dismissed one of them in your dating days. My advice? Remove the obstacles to the first date. You never know if you’ll have chemistry until you meet in person, so don’t get in your own way by setting up all of these rejection points. A couple of emails back and forth should be plenty, and then get right to the date. As a client just emailed me recently, “What came across in emails was not there in person. I guess that happens quite a bit and the more experience I get at this, the sooner I will try to get to a meeting so I don’t have to [spend] my time emailing.” Obviously, this can go either way – better in person or worse – but you have to actually meet to find out.

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