I did something recently that I don’t usually do—I tried to prove myself wrong.

As a dating coach, the advice I give is what I know to work. Even if it works 90% of the time, I’ll still advise it. Especially since I can’t, of course, control how other people react.

If you’ve been reading my column long enough, you’ll know that I often call texting “the death of the first date” or “the place where dates go to die.” (I’m not usually this morbid. Promise.) So at one point, as I managed my own Bumble account, I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was chatting someone who, after a few messages back and forth about our dogs and weekend plans, asked for my number. Actually, he said, “Maybe you’d like to meet up?” (While I’m glad he asked, I have a personal pet peeve with the “up.” Are you trying to make it seem more casual? I’d just like to meet. Period.) Regardless, I replied, “That sounds nice!” Then, he asked, “Why don’t you shoot me your number?”

Normally, I would advise a client to say, “You know, it actually helps me stay organized to arrange the details on here, but I’m happy to plan something for this weekend.” It works like a charm. It pushes for the date while keeping the communication on the dating app so the conversation doesn’t go into the texting abyss, as it so often does.

But I decided to use this as an opportunity to re-assess my views. I realize that this sample size of one cannot draw conclusions, yet the behavior I saw was exactly as I predicted it would be:

Him: Hey this is your bumble prince [The lack of punctuation when writing to a writer is not lost on me.]

Me: Can you really be my Bumble prince if you don’t have an iPhone? [His texts were green, meaning that we’re not using iMessage, meaning that he doesn’t have an iPhone.]

Him: Yes ma’am! I make up for it

Me: We will see!

Him: Haha I’m already getting judged

Me: Not at all.

Him: Just giving you a hard time!

Me: I got it!

Him: How’s your day going? [Note: This is where things always go downhill.]

Me: Super busy actually!! [Note: It was 1 PM on a weekday!]

Him: Ohh well then I can text you later

Me: Great!

After one more “How’s the day been??” three hours later, when I was still working, and I responded as such (though very nicely), he was never to be heard from again. Yes, I could have pushed things along if I wanted to. But I didn’t.

As I told a client yesterday, texting before a first date is like driving a new car off the lot—it depreciates immediately. I’d venture to say that once the phone number is given on the app, there’s a 60% chance that the first date will no longer happen. Why? People get lazy. They text, “How is your day?” vs. “Let’s confirm our plans for Sunday. How’s 4 PM in Shaw?” Or someone says something that gets misconstrued. Or someone sends something inappropriate. You might be thinking, “Wouldn’t I want to know if someone is like that before we meet?” Sure. But I still want you to just get to the date in order to make the assessment for yourself. 

So, as much as I wanted to prove myself wrong, I stand by my advice to keep the date planning on the dating apps and then only exchange numbers at the last minute for contingencies. People get in their own way without knowing it. Don’t let them.

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While a lot of the advice I give revolves around how to get the first date, even more important is how to nail that first date. First dates can be nerve-wracking, whether you’re a seasoned dater or not. Let’s take a look at some tips for the all-important first date:

What not to do on a first date:

1. Have your phone out or text
2. Talk about your ex, positively or negatively
3. Be late without notice
4. Be excessively late, with or without notice
5. Be rude to a server… or anyone
6. Drink too much
7. Talk about work the entire time
8. Have bad breath/hygiene
9. Talk about marriage (either your future one or what went wrong in your last one)
10. Fail to tip well
11. Talk about yourself too much
12. Be fake or some false version of yourself
13. Flip the “off” switch if no attraction

The last point always gets some questions. Sometimes we walk into a date and know within a matter of minutes that there is no physical attraction whatsoever. I’m a big believer that attraction can grow, but in order to grow, there at least has to be a little seedling to start. If there’s not, many people will just turn off, or no longer be present on the date. This means that you’re not only wasting your time but your date’s as well. Rather than deciding that this date is a failure at the get-go, instead, reframe your mind. Could this person teach you something? Could he or she be a business contact? When you frame things as, “What can I get out of this interaction?” then it’s a more pleasant experience for both of you.

What to do on a first date:

1. Confirm one day before the date (via text is A-okay)
2. Arrive on time
3. Greet each other with a casual hug (hug = date, handshake = interview)
4. Wear clothes to match the venue
5. Put the phone away (Yes, away!)
6. Smile and remain positive
7. Ask questions
8. Have a two-sided conversation
9. Most importantly… have fun!

One additional point about confirming a day before the date. Use the confident “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” vs. “Are we still on?” If someone is inclined to cancel, it won’t matter how you ask, so you might as well show your self-confidence.

Body language—how to increase the “flirt factor” on the date:

1. Face your date: Are your knees facing your date or turned away? The more you point them towards your date, the more likely you are into him/her, and vice versa.

2. Sit next to or catty-corner rather than across: It’s much easier to have a more intimate, and less interview-like conversation this way.

3. Maintain eye contact: If you want someone to know you’re truly listening, then make the appropriate eye contact.

4. Again… Don’t forget to smile

There are no right or wrong questions to ask on a date, but the ones that do better require more than a simple one-word answer. For example, “What made you passionate about medicine?” is more interesting than “What do you do?”

Some other ideas:

1. How was your day? (Often overlooked, but a great conversation starter.)
2. What do you like to do after work?
3. What made you decide to move to this area, and how do you like it?
4. What does your ideal Sunday look like?

All of these questions are things the other person already knows about him or herself, so it doesn’t require too much introspection. Then you can delve deeper:

Level 1: What do you do?

Level 2: Have you always had a passion for medicine and animals?

Level 3: What are some of the more memorable stories from your job?

Level 4: Were you scared when you thought that sweet cat wasn’t going to make it?

Remember that, in dating, there’s no perfect science… far from it. But using these pointers will at least get you on the right track… and potentially a second date!

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