Question: “I have been dating someone for three months, and we’re exclusive (not seeing other people). I’m ready to define the relationship (DTR) but don’t want to lose him if he’s not ready. How to have the talk?”

My response:

“For better or for worse (and I hope better, of course!), that’s a risk you’re going to have to take. I don’t want you not having your needs fulfilled—in this case, it sounds like a label on the relationship—because you are afraid of the other person’s reaction.

If you are exclusive, why do you think the two of you are not on the same page about what I presume is labels?

Here’s how you might approach it: ‘I’ve really been enjoying everything we’ve been doing, and I love being exclusive with you. I just want to make sure we are on the same page about what that means to both of us. For me, I’d love to be able to call you my boyfriend/partner. What do you think?’ Simple, direct, and honest.

If he is, in fact, not ready, which, given your hesitancy, seems somewhat likely, then it’s up to you to decide how to move forward or not. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. Feel free to read that last sentence again. What I don’t want is for you to be afraid of talking to the very person you want to be with. You’re sharing your life with this person, at least at this moment in time, so start with sharing your thoughts and feelings.

Lastly, I would prefer that the whole exclusivity/label conversation happens together so you don’t have this in-between period of being exclusive but wondering what the heck you are. It happens more often than one might think.”

That’s as far as I got with my response to the question, but I want to add that it’s actually quitecommon these days for couples to agree to exclusivity—no dating or sleeping with other people—without fully defining the relationship. Labels, dating app statuses, introductions to friends and family? All left in limbo. While some people are okay with ambiguity (often the person who is more reticent to commit), others find it leaves them feeling confused and wanting more.

When you do decide to have this conversation, I encourage you to cover all the bases:

• What does exclusivity mean to each of you? (It’s so important to be on the same page here.)
• Are you ready to fully take down or only pause your dating app profiles? (This seemingly small distinction makes a huge difference.)
• How would you like to introduce each other to friends or family? (“Boyfriend/girlfriend,” “partner,” something else?)
• What are your expectations for the relationship moving forward?

Leaving these topics unspoken can lead to unmet expectations, like in the original question. And if you’re not ready to dive into all of this yet, that’s okay, too. Wait until you feel ready. Assuming no one is putting pressure on you, take your time. I only want you to become exclusive with someone if you are already getting the behaviors you want, and now the titles just equal what you’re already doing. If, however, you’re feeling anxious about things, and you think that becoming exclusive or defining the relationship will quell your nerves and make you feel more stable, it won’t. Whatever behavior you’re getting before exclusivity or defining the relationship is the behavior you’re going to be getting after exclusivity, but probably amplified.

One more point that may provide some comfort: Nothing in life—or in relationships anyway—is irreversible. If you both decide to define the relationship and it doesn’t feel quite right later (even if that “later” is shortly after this conversation), you can always adjust course. Relationships are a process of discovery, and defining it is just one step.

The post Should We Have “The Talk”? When? How? appeared first on .

I recently shared a great example of how to ask someone out on a second date. After the first date with someone new, the guy (in this case) messaged my client (a woman) starting with a quick inside joke about the meeting: “Saw you finally, albeit only after you found me,” referencing who spotted whom first.

He continued, “Thanks again for a lovely evening. It was a pleasure to meet you and start to get to know you a little bit. I’m definitely excited to see you again and learn more. Perhaps Wednesday or next Sunday if your schedule permits.”

Let me tell you why this is a perfect first date follow-up:

1. It does a great job of telling the person that he had a great time on the date and is very interested in meeting again.
2. The message gives a few options for dates to get together again but with flexibility.
3. It’s short and to the point.
4. It allows an opt-out in case my client didn’t want to see him again.

Direct and honest communication is such an overlooked yet simple tactic in dating. This message had no ambiguity (leaving the other person wondering, “Did he like me?” or “Does he want to see me again?”) but also didn’t force a second date — it expressed the person’s intentions and hopes but left room for a reply or other ideas.

Another great way to text someone about a second date is by coming up with a suggestion based on something you found to have in common. If it turns out that they’re an air hockey champ, maybe you suggest heading to the arcade for a face-off.

Another client recently asked me, “One place where I struggle is where/when/how to ask for a second date. Do I do it during the first date or over text later?” And here is how I answered: “Over text later. Say at the end of the date, ‘I had a great time and would love to do it again. I’ll be in touch tomorrow.’ It gives her a night to think about it, and then it makes you a man of your word when you actually get in touch tomorrow. Win-win.”

But remember that no matter how well-crafted a message asking someone out on a second date is, sometimes the sparks just aren’t there. When this happens, it’s important to let the other person know and not ghost, or ignore, them. You can write a simple message like, “It was nice meeting you the other night, but unfortunately, I didn’t feel the connection I’m looking for. I wish you all the best.” Like the second date ask, it’s direct and honest, leaving no room for speculation or “What did they mean by that?”

Of course, I’m hoping these two go on that second date — in fact, I want everyone to go on the second date if you’re even on the fence about it. First dates can be nerve-wracking, and a second date might be where you both relax a little bit more and go beyond surface-level conversations, getting to know each other better. The outcomes of a second date are undeniably win-win: you either are pleasantly surprised at how well it goes, or you confirm for yourself 100% that this person is not a match. Who knows? You might be figuring out the best message to plan a third date.

The post The Right (No Ambiguity, No Pressure) Way to Ask Someone Out on a Second Date appeared first on .

During my latest “Ask Erika Monday” session on Instagram (have questions of your own or curious about what people are wondering in their own dating lives? Join me next week!), I got a message from someone who was very frustrated by the men she’s met recently.

“I feel so deflated — every guy this year has just messed me up. How to deal?” they asked.

I answered, “If *every* guy has messed you up, then it is definitely time to look internally — probably with the help of a great therapist. No one gets the right to ‘mess you up’ without your consent.”

I shared a list of questions for this person, and anyone else who was feeling similarly, to ask themselves.

• Are you entering situations that you know are not good for you?
• Are you holding onto people for too long?
• Are you determining your value based on what other people think of you?
• Are you accepting the bare minimum because you don’t think you deserve more?
• Are you projecting experiences from the past onto new people, thereby repeating history?

There will always be outside influences out of our control, but it is important to realize that how you react to situations is 100% your responsibility. And at the start of the new year, maybe it’s time to be honest with yourself and figure out ways to ensure you’re not repeating behaviors that are keeping you from finding your match.

Of course, sometimes this can’t be done alone. Luckily, there are many resources available to help. If seeing a therapist doesn’t work with your budget or schedule, you might want to look into some of the more affordable online therapy sites that offer personalized, virtual counseling to work through some of the questions outlined above. A few options include:

• BetterHelp
• Talkspace
• Open Path Collective
• 7 Cups
• Regain

Practicing meditation, journaling, or opening up to close friends can also help you understand why relationships have been difficult for you and if there are patterns that might be holding you back.

There’s a bad apple in every bunch, but when every apple is rotten, it’s time to recognize why… and maybe find your fruit elsewhere. By growing yourself, you can get the apples from the top branches instead of the ones that have already fallen on the ground.

The post Questions to Ask Yourself When “Every” Match Isn’t Working Out appeared first on .

What you write in your online dating profile requires careful thought — after all, it’s giving the reader (a potential match) the first impression of who you are and what you’re all about. But photos require an equal amount of attention, if not more.

People often have short attention spans on dating apps and websites. If it’s not immediately apparent who they’re looking at and deciding whether to talk to, they’ll likely move on to the next option. That’s why picking photos is so important — just one game of “Which person in the photo is it?” or apparent filter and they might give up.

Read on for five photos that should stay on your camera roll but off your dating profile:

1. Group Shots

I’ve heard people say that they use group shots in their profiles because they think it makes them look social. However, it quickly becomes a “Who am I looking at?” scenario, which can be frustrating. Even if someone finds you, group photos leave you open to comparisons — or, in the worst case, “Is your friend single?” Your dating profile is all about you, not your friends, so keep it focused on solo snaps.

2. Bathroom and Mirror Selfies

I get it — you just got your hair done, you’re feeling great, and the lighting is perfect. But no matter how good you look, there’s nothing that dampens the mood like a toilet in the background of a photo. (Nobody wants to think about that.) Mirror and bathroom selfies look immature and can be taken as vanity. And please, I’m begging you, no gym mirror selfies with your shirt off.

3. Snaps with Pets that Aren’t Yours

So your friend has an adorable Golden Retriever? That’s great. But if Fluffy isn’t yours, he shouldn’t be in your profile. It can be confusing when you have pictures with a dog and your profile reads “no pets.” Plus, it can stop a conversation in its tracks. When someone messages you with a question about the pet, then you share that it’s not yours, they might feel like they don’t know where to take the conversation since they thought they found something you have in common. But a selfie with a giraffe? Definitely profile-worthy.

4. Filtered or Heavily Edited Photos

Rule of thumb: your photos should look like you. Filters or edited pictures may get you more attention, but at the end of the day, they just lead to an uncomfortable first meeting when someone leaves feeling deceived. That also means anything that obstructs your face — sunglasses, masks, and hats, for example — should only make an appearance or two in your photos rather than all of them. Don’t hide yourself, either behind a filter or a hat.

5. Photos with Children

While you should definitely be truthful in your profile about having children, I wouldn’t recommend including them in your photos — it’s best to keep their images private. Furthermore, don’t include photographs of kids that aren’t yours, even if they’re family. In addition to sending mixed messages, I’m going to guess their parents won’t be thrilled to find their likeness on a dating app.

Like it or not, people are looking at your photos when deciding if they should connect online. I recommend that your first photo to be a clear profile shot of you smiling. You should also include a full-body photo as well as some pictures that show your interests — traveling, cooking, hiking, dancing — which make great conversation starters, or “message bait.”

At the end of the day, your photos are an extension of your profile, showing who you are and what you like to do. People want to know who they’re talking to, and anything that gets in the way of that might result in a left swipe.

The post 5 Photos NOT to Post in Your Online Dating Profiles  appeared first on .

I was on the phone earlier today with a client who, unfortunately, is fresh out of a relationship and going through a breakup. She asked me, in no uncertain terms, “Can I speed up the healing process? How can I just get over this?” I immediately thought about a former version of myself. The 10-year-ago version where I was sitting on the couch in my therapist’s office asking her the exact same question. And she said some version of this to me: “The only way out is through.” While it may sound cliché, she was right.

As I say frequently (and in articles in the past, which is why I want to address it again), I believe that there are two main components to getting over someone—time and, eventually, someone new. Sadly, many people skip the “time” portion and jump right to the part where they want to meet someone else, often to fill a void and not feel the pain. 

This same client, the one I was talking to today, had even suggested getting back on the dating sites before the breakup (she saw it coming) in order to soften the blow. Not only would that be unethical—or at least awful karma—but it would also do her a disservice not to be able to sit in her feelings and properly mourn the relationship. Giving yourself permission to grieve is not only okay, but it’s encouraged. This means allowing yourself to feel the emotions that come with the end of a relationship. Whether it’s sadness, anger, or confusion, it’s important to acknowledge and process these feelings.

I also understand that loneliness can set in after a relationship ends, especially if you lived together or were spending a significant amount of time together. Try to use that time to your advantage—reconnect with friends, find hobbies that make you happy (for me, it was learning to play mahjong and performing in live storytelling shows), and generally give yourself the time and space to become a complete person again. We all lose ourselves a bit in a relationship, so using this time to learn about yourself and grow will not only help in the healing process but will eventually make you a better partner in the future.

I remember once, maybe six months after that breakup that brought me to the therapist’s office, I was walking down the street with my friend Betsy, and I was wearing hot pink sequined sneakers (ones my ex did not like, mind you). She looked at me and said, “You’re back!” I still think about that. I needed that time to become myself again. 

During the “time” component of a breakup, it’s also important to shield yourself from the pain of seeing your ex on social media, perhaps enjoying life (though we know people curate what they post) and potentially with someone else. It will feel really hard in the moment, but like ripping off a Band-Aid, the best way to heal will be to block this person on all social media platforms. I know the drive to online stalk will be there—I get it, I’ve done it—but often, ignorance is, in fact, bliss. 

Then, when you feel ready, or at least curious about other people again, then it’s time to enact the “someone else” portion of the process. Maybe that means going back onto Bumble. Maybe it means going to a speed-dating event. Or maybe it just means saying hi to a new person you wouldn’t have before. Or going to an event that might be slightly out of your comfort zone. 

There’s no silver bullet or shortcut to getting over someone. And there’s no right or wrong amount of time it takes. Feelings are not like light switches—you can’t just turn them on or off. They linger… sometimes longer than we might like. But, as I told my client, this too shall pass. Not now, not tomorrow, but one day. And I’ll be there for her in the process. 

The post The Two Components to Getting Over Someone appeared first on .

I’m going to come right out and say it: ghosting hurts! If you’ve ever been ghosted—that heart-sinking feeling when someone you were connecting with or dating suddenly disappears without a trace—you’re not alone. Far from it. Ghosting can be hurtful and confusing—there’s no way around that. But, that feeling doesn’t have to rule your life. Instead, let’s look at some advice to help reclaim your confidence in the dating world. 

1. Consider sending a “closure” message. 

This is advice I have given before, and admittedly, not every dating coach agrees. I understand that when someone ghosts you, you may not want to give them the satisfaction of showing them that you cared or that it hurt. But you did care. And it did hurt. And I encourage everyone to express how someone’s actions made them feel. So, if you were ghosted, I recommend saying something like this:

“Hi [person’s name who ghosted], I had really enjoyed our time together and was hoping to continue getting to know each other, so I’m disappointed I didn’t hear back from you. Just wanted to close the loop. Wish you the best.”

Here’s what this message does: Shows that you noticed the other person’s behavior (the ghosting) and didn’t like it, gives you the final word, and, in the absence of the other person providing closure for you, you have now given it to yourself. 

Sending this message is the end. Once you send it, delete it from your phone. You will not be getting a response from the ghoster. That’s not the point of the message. The ghoster already closed the door for you. You’re just using the deadlock. 

2. Allow yourself to feel.

Feelings of anger, hurt, or disappointment are completely normal after being ghosted. In fact, they are often worse than when someone actually breaks up with you because they’re combined with confusion and uncertainty. Give yourself permission to process those emotions and mourn the “could have been.”

3. Don’t blame yourself.

It’s not you; it’s them. Truly. Ghosting is a reflection of the other person’s inability to communicate maturely, not a reflection of your value or worth. No one has the right to determine that but you. So try to avoid internalizing or blaming yourself for what happened. There are often no predictors of when someone will ghost, so you can’t kick yourself for missing something. 

4. Don’t social media stalk.

Yes, this person is alive. Yes, they are avoiding you. I take that back—they are ignoring you, not avoiding you. So don’t give them another minute of your time. Block on all social media platforms immediately. This is for your own mental health and sanity. 

5. Don’t social media stalk.

Regardless of how awful this feels, remember that, in the words of Ted Lasso, all people are different people. Just because the next person you date has a few things in common with the person who ghosted you, that does not mean the outcome will be the same. 

One final note on whether to know if you’re being ghosted and how it relates to this last point:

I received this question the other day: “We had two very fun dates, and we got along very well. We talked every day from the first date. Yesterday he called me on the phone, but today I wrote to him and he never answered me. Should I wait? Or just move on?”

My response was this: “You’re letting a little delay in text overshadow two amazing dates and daily communication?! Take a step back, breathe, and have the confidence that nothing has changed since your last conversation. He’s probably at the movies!” 

Here’s the thing—it sounds like she’s been ghosted in the past (and perhaps has some anxious attachment), but based on this interaction alone, she is not being ghosted at all. All of the negative energy from those past experiences is creeping into something new and potentially wonderful, and I just hope her worries don’t actually cause her to behave differently, and thereby blame this new guy she likes for someone else’s misdeeds. Then history has a chance of repeating itself.  

In the end, ghosting is not going anywhere. It should, but it won’t. Why? Technology. Some people’s inability—or lack of desire—to communicate like an adult. We can’t control other people, though. All we can do is be aware of how we feel, respond appropriately, and move forward… with someone more deserving of our time. 

The post How to Get Past Ghosting appeared first on .

They continued messaging each other, trying to find out a time to get together again — but had trouble finding a day that worked for both of them. When they finally agreed on meeting the next day, she suggested playing mini golf, to which he asked to do something less active since he had a hectic day and another busy one tomorrow. When she responded by asking for a good location for him to meet, she was surprised when he replied by saying that their time had passed and wished her luck.

“I can’t help but feel like he took his bad day out on me,” she said. “I am curious what changed in such a short window.”

Here’s what I told her: “I understand your frustration, but casual to him meant easy, and when the planning became more complicated, he decided it wasn’t worth it to him.”

I added that this might have been a blessing in disguise. While she wanted a long-term relationship, at least ultimately, he made it clear that he couldn’t (or wasn’t willing to) provide that. I told my client that I was glad that he cut things off because she wants more than he can give — even if it does feel confusing and disappointing in the short term.

People often say they want honesty, both in a relationship and before that in the dating stage. But when someone is truthful about what they want, you have little choice but to believe them — and then it’s up to you to decide if that’s what you’re truly looking for. 

The seriousness of a relationship is just one thing that people may not see eye-to-eye about. If a person isn’t willing to travel for dates, then you have to be okay with being the one to make some extra effort to see them. Or not. If someone says they can’t afford certain things, then you have to take that into consideration. The bottom line is this: if someone says they can’t or won’t do something, you can’t expect them to do it.

I believe that dating shouldn’t be a matter of convenience — just because someone is easy to spend time with doesn’t mean they’re worth that time. Back to my client from the beginning: She was clearly putting more effort into the situation, and as soon as things weren’t simple (despite her best efforts to accommodate him), he called it off. While she could have had a nice time with this man for a few months, he made it clear that he wasn’t ready for a full-blown relationship. After a few months of dating, he still might not want to take things to the next level (after all, he did say that). Therefore, the time she continued spending with him — maybe had they lived closer or if their schedules aligned better — she could have instead been with someone looking for the same thing as her (and someone who jumped at the chance to play mini golf!). I know there is someone out there who is ready for a strong relationship and will happily join her at mini golf — and that’s who is worth putting the time and effort into.

The post “I Can’t” Means “I Can’t” & “I Won’t” Means “I Won’t” appeared first on .

Pro: People are generally happier in the summer.

I know it’s not only me who sometimes struggles with the idea of getting dressed and leaving the house during the coldest months of the year — just bundling up in a winter coat seems like a chore. But when the temperature rises, people want to go out and do things, which includes meeting for dates. Plus, there’s a general sense of ease and excitement brought on by the warm weather, lessened work schedules, and an assortment of activities available.

Con: It’s travel season.

Many people use their vacation time in the summer months — which is great, except for when you’re trying to find a time to meet someone you’ve connected with online. Everyone has a busy schedule, and the warm weather months might make agendas even more packed than usual, even with time off from work. 

Pro: You have more time off.

All those vacation days and summer Fridays might just come in handy. While vacations might make meeting a little tricky sometimes, having a lighter workload — as many do in the summer months — will give your mind the ability to focus a bit more on dating. Even if meeting is difficult, it gives you plenty of time to freshen up your bio, take new photos, and spend some extra time swiping and chatting with potential matches. 

Con: It’s notoriously “fling” season.

The casual nature of summer sometimes spills over into the dating world — there’s a reason “cuffing” season isn’t June through August. Summer flings can be romantic and exciting — but they can also leave you heartbroken when the back-to-school ads take over. The best way to avoid that is to be upfront about your expectations for the relationship, and if that’s a serious one, everyone will be aware off the bat.

Pro: There’s no shortage of date ideas.

While dates are limited in many areas due to weather in the winter months, there are practically no limits to the fun activities you can do in the summer. Meet at a beach bar (or the actual beach, depending on where you live), play a round of mini golf, take the dogs on a walk in the park, spend a date at the amusement park… not to mention all the gatherings with friends and family that are enhanced by a plus-one. And if you want to stay indoors, movies, dinner, and happy hour are still options.

At the end of the day, there is no bad or good time to date based on a calendar — it should be based on you. Are you ready? Do you have the time to explore your dating options? Are you stressed about work or personal matters? Then it may be a good time to take a break from dating apps and give yourself some grace. But if you’re excited to dip your toe into the dating pool (see what I did there?), then go for it. There is no reason to wait until a certain month to find a meaningful relationship.

The post Is Summer a Good Season for Dating? The Pros and Cons of Warm Weather Wooing appeared first on .

“What’s your advice on getting back into the dating pool after a breakup? Is there a certain amount of time one should wait? Or, is it a case of getting back on the horse right after falling off? My heart was broken recently… and my friends are telling me to get back out there and date. My walls have been built back up again and I don’t know if I can date anyone right now. What would you recommend?”

I feel this question. I know this simple statement doesn’t do it justice, but breakups are hard. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the one who initiated it or you’re the recipient of the bad news—it’s never easy. Here’s what I said in response to the question: 

“You know yourself best. If the thought of getting back out there makes your stomach churn, then take a break. It’s important to mourn relationships and not use other people as a Band-Aid to help you get there. Getting over someone can, and will, take time. But I would not rush back out there because other people tell you that’s what you should do. Listen to your body.”

In the end, there is no formula for this. I believe that after every relationship ends, there are two components in order to help get past it: time, and eventually someone else. But that ratio differs for everybody. Sometimes it feels like you should be ready before you are. And sometimes the shorter relationships take longer to get past than the longer ones. It’s not always rational, but that’s okay. 

Instead of focusing on a specific timeline, pay attention to your own emotional readiness. Take the time to assess if you’ve truly moved on from your previous relationship, if you feel comfortable being alone, and if you’re ready to invest in a new partnership. Trust your instincts. It’s important to ensure that you’re entering a new relationship from a place of emotional stability and clarity, not loneliness or as a way to fill a void. 

In my experience with clients—and myself—I would also encourage you to cut off contact, at least for the near future, with your ex. It’s easy to fall back into old patterns or gain false hope of a reconciliation if the lines of communication are still open. As hard as it feels in the moment, using the “block” button on social media or deleting a contact can really help the process along. 

And then, when you start to feel curious about other people again, that’s when it’s time to get out there. Don’t let anyone tell you that you are taking “too long” to get over someone. There is no right or wrong amount of time. Unfortunately, sometimes that advice comes from friends feeling uncomfortable seeing you sad. A relationship is a big part of your life, and you should mourn it as you choose. 

While you’re in the healing process, go back to things that make you happy as a person. Day by day, you’ll start to feel more like yourself. After any relationship of mine ended, I made a point to find a new “thing”—after one breakup, I got into storytelling on stage. After another, it opened me up to moving to a new city I always wanted to try. And one left me with impeccable taste in balsamic vinegar! It’s okay to take the best from each relationship and then build new parts of yourself around it. We are always growing and evolving, even in the sadness. 

Lastly, remember that it’s not only okay but it’s encouraged to focus on your own growth, enjoy your own company, and when the time is right, embrace the opportunity to create a new and fulfilling romantic chapter in your life. 

The post Breaking Up Is Hard to Do appeared first on .

Psychologists Martin Seligman and Gregory McClell Buchanan have studied how people explain the events that take place in their lives. How might we explain the man who was rude to us on the bus? Or the results of the beauty pageant we answered? Or the date that ended in awkward silence and a rushed goodbye? We might gather input from past events, our knowledge of the people involved, or we might ask friends and family members to explain events, too. But when it comes down to it, Seligman and Buchanan developed three parameters in which we explain certain events. Together, these parameters make up our “explanatory styles,” which determine the way we reflect on failure, success, and the occasional awkward date. 

(Interested in reading more about this? The books Learned Optimism and Explanatory Style are two great places to start!) 

Based on the parameters Seligman and Buchanan have developed, we make assumptions about what the next event, i.e. date, will look like. You know what they say about assuming, right? So let’s take a look at Seligman and Buchanan’s explanatory styles. You may find that shifting your perspective makes your next date a lot more exciting. 

Stable vs. Unstable (Permanence) 

Let’s say you go on a date and it ends poorly. You text friends, who aren’t very encouraging. They say things like, “dating sucks.” “Dating is never fun.” “Men will always be immature.” You’re not going to look forward to the next date if you’re always going to run into bad dates!

We can see an event as stable, meaning that it’s permanent. Or, we can see an event as unstable, which means it’s temporary. People who believe that situations are stable may have a fixed mindset, in which growth is limited and things rarely change. 

No one wants to go on a date they know is going to be bad. And truthfully? The only way you can be sure that a date will be bad is if you have a time machine. Your dating life can change as you grow and learn about yourself. Your dating life can change because you start dating men, or you start dating women, or you start dating both! There are a million different ways to approach dating and change how you go on dates. So really, is the status of your dating life ever permanent?

Global vs. Local (Pervasive)

Let’s say you go on a date with a person who is interested in video games. They’re slow to text back, not great at communicating before your date, and spend the evening talking only about video games. How do you explain this dud of a date? Do all people who play video games only have interest in this hobby, or is this one person’s inability to take their mind off their Xbox? 

We can see an event as global, or applicable across the globe. Or, we can see it as local, something that only takes place in one location, one area of your life, or on one date with one person. People with a global perspective of failure may get rejected from a person and believe that all people will reject them. 

This explanatory style can lead people to make fascinating, puzzling, and downright disturbing assumptions about people they go on dates with and those who share something in common with them. I’ve heard it all. All potential matches named Matt are destined to be liars and cheaters. All women over a size six don’t take care of themselves. All African-American men grew up in a certain culture, and the cultural differences make them less attractive. I know these statements are hard to read, but they are all things I’ve heard from individual clients. Does this mean all of my clients have prejudices, unfair biases, or should switch up their explanation style? No, it doesn’t. Every one of the eight billion people on this planet are unique. We all make different choices, live different lifestyles, and see the world differently. If we can attribute one or two bad dates to individuals, rather than an entire population, suddenly the dating pool becomes more exciting. 

Internal vs. External (Personal) 

Let’s say you are excited to go on a date, but on the way, you encounter bad traffic. Then, the doorman at the bar gives you a hard time about your license picture. You realize that there is gum stuck to your shoe and you forgot your umbrella, which is a shame because it’s pouring outside. Are you still going to be excited for your date? 

We can attribute a person’s behavior on a date to internal factors, like their disposition and character. Or, we can attribute a person’s behavior on a date to external factors, like the weather or the time of day or an infinite number of other events that play into getting ready for a date. We can also look internally for the cause of a bad date (i.e. we did something wrong on the date; there is something wrong with us). Or, we can look externally. 

Depending on how you view a bad date, you could walk away feeling terrible about yourself, terrible about the other person, or terrible about the conditions that made what could have been a great date, a bad one. You can see a pattern here. How you think about your bad date is all in how you explain it to yourself. 

At the end of the day, we might not know everything that caused a bad date. What we do know is that we have control over how we approach dating in the future. The next time you find yourself driving home from a bad date, reflect on the different explanatory styles. What are the different ways you can explain a bad date? And as you look at these different styles, think about how these explanations make you feel more or less optimistic about future dates. Optimists see events as having unstable, local, and external causes. Pessimists see events as having stable, global, and internal causes. 

Come back to this article after you reflect on your next date. Are you feeling more hopeful, open to opportunity, and optimistic? That means you’re on the right track. 

The post How to Explain a Bad Date, With Help from Psychology  appeared first on .