The world has been massively disrupted by the coronavirus pandemic over the past 10 months, and the dating scene is no exception — ask anyone who has debated meeting for socially distanced drinks with a complete stranger. Although singles are getting creative with ways to meet new people by replacing in-person first dates with Zoom, FaceTime, and phone calls, some rude behavior unfortunately still remains.

While there’s almost nothing worse than being stood up for a real date — awkwardly sitting at the bar alone, checking and re-checking your texts to make sure you got the date, time, and location correct — getting ghosted on a virtual meeting is up there. And sadly, from my recent experiences with clients, it’s happening far too often.

Just because a date isn’t in-person doesn’t mean you shouldn’t uphold your promises. If you make plans to chat on the phone or set up a Zoom meeting on a certain day and time, that commitment should be honored — plain and simple. It’s still a date.

Anyone who has experimented with online dates knows that there are advantages to the new way of doing things. You don’t have to worry about making reservations at a restaurant, no awkward “sorry, I hit traffic and can’t find parking” texts, and pajama bottoms are perfectly acceptable attire (as long as you make some effort on your visible outfit …and don’t stand up!). But at the same time, it’s still a date — along with all the effort that typically goes into one.

A no-show on your Zoom call (or a last-minute cancellation, for that matter) means you wasted someone else’s time. They likely took a shower, perhaps did their hair and makeup, and put on clothes (a rarity these days!) to look their best for you. Even setting up a Zoom meeting requires a few minutes of time, as does straightening up their home or finding a quiet spot so your time won’t be interrupted by a roommate or pet.

Even if someone hops on a call after work with little to no preparation, everyone is very busy with their jobs and other responsibilities. I can think of a million things I could get done instead of sitting at a computer waiting for a date to sign on, only to have the date flake on the entire thing.

And we haven’t even spoken about the nerves associated with a date! You may be calm, cool, and collected, but a lot of people can’t help but feel a knot in their stomach as your date time approaches. Those butterflies are usually led by excitement, but it’s not exactly a pleasant feeling — only to be for nothing when someone decides to skip without warning.

Of course, things come up. A late work meeting gets scheduled, a child’s dentist appointment gets moved, or your internet is down. That’s fine — but you need to let your date know as soon as possible. A simple text or message on the dating app stating what happened and asking for a good time to reschedule is easy to do and much appreciated on the other side.

There’s also a chance another relationship is progressing that you want to focus on, or after another look at the other person’s profile, you decide your date is likely not a match after all. Still, you need to communicate that you won’t be making yourself available for your scheduled date. Be polite yet straightforward — and most importantly, no ghosting.

Dating in the current climate is hard enough. Don’t make it even more difficult by wasting someone else’s time.

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I got this question last week from a client:

“I wanted to share the details about my date on Saturday. It was okay – nothing to write home about – just okay. He’s not someone I would like to get to know further, but he sent me a text a couple hours after I got home asking if I’d like to do it again. Do I have to answer it, or can I just let it go?”

~ Monica, 52, Sacramento, CA

My response:

Monica,

First, I’m really glad you were able to meet, even if it wasn’t a match. I hope you were at least able to have a nice conversation and learn a few things about each other. My first question is this: Are you 100% sure you do not want to see him again? Remember that a second date doesn’t commit you to anything other than another hour or so of your time and one more conversation. If the answer is still a no about seeing him again, then, in response to your question, yes, you have to answer his text.

Here’s my rule: If someone makes him or herself vulnerable to you (like asking you out again), then you do owe that person a response. Nothing lengthy, but a tactful and honest response to indicate that you are going to decline. For example, “Thanks so much for your note and for a nice time today! Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the romantic connection I was looking for, but I wish you all the best!” You can replace “romantic connection” with “spark,” “chemistry,” or anything that feels right to you.

While someone may be disappointed that you don’t feel a connection, he can’t really be angry with you for feeling the way you do.

I know sometimes we think people should just “get it” if we don’t respond, but that actually has a much worse impact on both people. Ghosting not only makes someone confused, but it takes that person longer to get over someone in the absence of closure. The nicest thing you can do for someone is to tell the truth. Ignoring it doesn’t spare someone’s feelings – it does the opposite.

You’re welcome to run your text by me if you want me to give it a read before you send it to him. Thanks so much for asking!

Erika

Now, if the recipient of her text – the man she does not want to see again – were my client, here’s what I would tell him:

While it’s disappointing that she doesn’t want to see you again, she gave you the gift of knowledge and honesty so you don’t have to waste your time wondering. To keep everything mature and kind, please reply to her with something like this:

“Thanks so much for letting me know. It was fun getting to know you, and best of luck to you, too.”

Anything other than this – not replying at all or reacting negatively – will reflect poorly on you. Not replying in a kind manner implies that you do not want to accept this answer. And answering in a mean or negative way not only makes you sound childish, but it also may make her think twice before giving someone else the courtesy of a “no thanks” response. And please don’t argue with her. Everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings and rationale for not wanting to see someone again.

In the end, let’s all be adults. Say what you feel. Answer people’s texts. And don’t make dating a nightmare for people. It’s that simple.

Lastly, I want to share a recent example of a text exchange between a client and me (I’m on the right, in blue), showing how ghosting makes someone feel… and it’s not good.

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