I’m going to come right out and say it: ghosting hurts! If you’ve ever been ghosted—that heart-sinking feeling when someone you were connecting with or dating suddenly disappears without a trace—you’re not alone. Far from it. Ghosting can be hurtful and confusing—there’s no way around that. But, that feeling doesn’t have to rule your life. Instead, let’s look at some advice to help reclaim your confidence in the dating world. 

1. Consider sending a “closure” message. 

This is advice I have given before, and admittedly, not every dating coach agrees. I understand that when someone ghosts you, you may not want to give them the satisfaction of showing them that you cared or that it hurt. But you did care. And it did hurt. And I encourage everyone to express how someone’s actions made them feel. So, if you were ghosted, I recommend saying something like this:

“Hi [person’s name who ghosted], I had really enjoyed our time together and was hoping to continue getting to know each other, so I’m disappointed I didn’t hear back from you. Just wanted to close the loop. Wish you the best.”

Here’s what this message does: Shows that you noticed the other person’s behavior (the ghosting) and didn’t like it, gives you the final word, and, in the absence of the other person providing closure for you, you have now given it to yourself. 

Sending this message is the end. Once you send it, delete it from your phone. You will not be getting a response from the ghoster. That’s not the point of the message. The ghoster already closed the door for you. You’re just using the deadlock. 

2. Allow yourself to feel.

Feelings of anger, hurt, or disappointment are completely normal after being ghosted. In fact, they are often worse than when someone actually breaks up with you because they’re combined with confusion and uncertainty. Give yourself permission to process those emotions and mourn the “could have been.”

3. Don’t blame yourself.

It’s not you; it’s them. Truly. Ghosting is a reflection of the other person’s inability to communicate maturely, not a reflection of your value or worth. No one has the right to determine that but you. So try to avoid internalizing or blaming yourself for what happened. There are often no predictors of when someone will ghost, so you can’t kick yourself for missing something. 

4. Don’t social media stalk.

Yes, this person is alive. Yes, they are avoiding you. I take that back—they are ignoring you, not avoiding you. So don’t give them another minute of your time. Block on all social media platforms immediately. This is for your own mental health and sanity. 

5. Don’t social media stalk.

Regardless of how awful this feels, remember that, in the words of Ted Lasso, all people are different people. Just because the next person you date has a few things in common with the person who ghosted you, that does not mean the outcome will be the same. 

One final note on whether to know if you’re being ghosted and how it relates to this last point:

I received this question the other day: “We had two very fun dates, and we got along very well. We talked every day from the first date. Yesterday he called me on the phone, but today I wrote to him and he never answered me. Should I wait? Or just move on?”

My response was this: “You’re letting a little delay in text overshadow two amazing dates and daily communication?! Take a step back, breathe, and have the confidence that nothing has changed since your last conversation. He’s probably at the movies!” 

Here’s the thing—it sounds like she’s been ghosted in the past (and perhaps has some anxious attachment), but based on this interaction alone, she is not being ghosted at all. All of the negative energy from those past experiences is creeping into something new and potentially wonderful, and I just hope her worries don’t actually cause her to behave differently, and thereby blame this new guy she likes for someone else’s misdeeds. Then history has a chance of repeating itself.  

In the end, ghosting is not going anywhere. It should, but it won’t. Why? Technology. Some people’s inability—or lack of desire—to communicate like an adult. We can’t control other people, though. All we can do is be aware of how we feel, respond appropriately, and move forward… with someone more deserving of our time. 

The post How to Get Past Ghosting appeared first on .

I got this question last week from a client:

“I wanted to share the details about my date on Saturday. It was okay – nothing to write home about – just okay. He’s not someone I would like to get to know further, but he sent me a text a couple hours after I got home asking if I’d like to do it again. Do I have to answer it, or can I just let it go?”

~ Monica, 52, Sacramento, CA

My response:

Monica,

First, I’m really glad you were able to meet, even if it wasn’t a match. I hope you were at least able to have a nice conversation and learn a few things about each other. My first question is this: Are you 100% sure you do not want to see him again? Remember that a second date doesn’t commit you to anything other than another hour or so of your time and one more conversation. If the answer is still a no about seeing him again, then, in response to your question, yes, you have to answer his text.

Here’s my rule: If someone makes him or herself vulnerable to you (like asking you out again), then you do owe that person a response. Nothing lengthy, but a tactful and honest response to indicate that you are going to decline. For example, “Thanks so much for your note and for a nice time today! Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the romantic connection I was looking for, but I wish you all the best!” You can replace “romantic connection” with “spark,” “chemistry,” or anything that feels right to you.

While someone may be disappointed that you don’t feel a connection, he can’t really be angry with you for feeling the way you do.

I know sometimes we think people should just “get it” if we don’t respond, but that actually has a much worse impact on both people. Ghosting not only makes someone confused, but it takes that person longer to get over someone in the absence of closure. The nicest thing you can do for someone is to tell the truth. Ignoring it doesn’t spare someone’s feelings – it does the opposite.

You’re welcome to run your text by me if you want me to give it a read before you send it to him. Thanks so much for asking!

Erika

Now, if the recipient of her text – the man she does not want to see again – were my client, here’s what I would tell him:

While it’s disappointing that she doesn’t want to see you again, she gave you the gift of knowledge and honesty so you don’t have to waste your time wondering. To keep everything mature and kind, please reply to her with something like this:

“Thanks so much for letting me know. It was fun getting to know you, and best of luck to you, too.”

Anything other than this – not replying at all or reacting negatively – will reflect poorly on you. Not replying in a kind manner implies that you do not want to accept this answer. And answering in a mean or negative way not only makes you sound childish, but it also may make her think twice before giving someone else the courtesy of a “no thanks” response. And please don’t argue with her. Everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings and rationale for not wanting to see someone again.

In the end, let’s all be adults. Say what you feel. Answer people’s texts. And don’t make dating a nightmare for people. It’s that simple.

Lastly, I want to share a recent example of a text exchange between a client and me (I’m on the right, in blue), showing how ghosting makes someone feel… and it’s not good.

The post How Not To Ghost appeared first on .

Anyone in the world of dating today, especially online and in apps, will tell you that there are a few words you may have to add to your vocabulary. By now, everyone knows about catfishing — pretending you’re somebody online who you’re not — but did you know there’s also practices called benching, breadcrumbing, and even kittenfishing? Who knows — you could be the kittenfisher without even realizing it.

Feel free to give this glossary below a read to help you get up to date on today’s dating lingo in case you see one of these written in someone’s Bumble profile tomorrow. And the next time your pal confides that a potential match is “incel” (involuntary celibate), you won’t have to excuse yourself to the restroom to Google the meaning. (I’ll admit it — that’s what I had to do.)

Benching: This is the dating version of being on a sports team and waiting for the coach to put you. You’re into someone but not enough to take your relationship to the next level. At the same time, you don’t want them going off to find someone new. Essentially, you keep them just interested enough to have them available on the sideline when you want them.

Cuffing Season: While summer is typically thought of as a time to be single and have fun, cuffing season is the opposite. It’s the period from October to March when people want to be coupled up — or “handcuffed” to another person — at least until spring arrives. In general, finding a partner seems more appealing in the winter months so you have someone to cuddle up with, so you may notice that people are pairing off just as the leaves fall from the trees.

Cushioning: Have you ever had a few potential partners just a text away, just in case your current relationship doesn’t work out? That’s called cushioning — because you’re making sure you land without hurting yourself too badly. It’s considered to be “microcheating” by many, meaning you’re making an emotional connection behind your partner’s back despite not being physically intimate.

ENM (Ethically Non-Monogamous): Also known as consensual non-monogamy (CNM), someone who identifies themself as ENM means that they are looking for an open relationship. This means different things for different people, so honest and open communication is key to success.

FWB (friends with benefits): Basically, you know someone and care about them and are regularly engaging in sexual acts with them, but not within the context of a relationship. 

GGG (Good, Giving, and Game): Coined by sex advice columnist Dan Savage, the GGG approach is what sexual partners should strive to be for a healthy relationship. “Think good in bed, giving based on a partner’s sexual interests, and game for anything — within reason,” Savage explained.

Ghosting: Things seem to be going well with someone you’ve met… until suddenly, they’re gone. You haven’t seen them in weeks, they’re not answering texts or calls, and you’re pretty sure they ran out of Starbucks to avoid you the other day. It’s as if they’ve vanished — much like a ghost. Unfortunately, sometimes completely cutting off communication seems easier than letting someone know they don’t want to pursue a relationship any further. It truly stinks, but instead of making up excuses — “Maybe their phone died… and they haven’t been able to make it to the Verizon store… all month” — it’s probably time to move on. Though, moving on is much more difficult after being ghosted, so don’t do this to people. Please and thank you.

Haunting: Being ghosted is bad enough, but being haunted might be worse. This is when your match cuts off communication, but they subtly let you know that they’re watching you, perhaps in the form of a “like” on a Facebook comment or by viewing your Instagram story. Haunting is also known as orbiting: you know they’re around, but they won’t come in direct contact.

Kittenfishing: While catfishing means someone is using photos of another person in their dating profile, kittenfishing is a less severe (but still frowned upon) dating offense. A kittenfisher is someone who isn’t using another person’s images, but they’re very much enhancing their own to present an unrealistic version of themselves. Perhaps they Photoshopped their pictures, embellished their accomplishments, or are using outdated images of themselves. While everyone wants to present the best version of themselves on a dating profile, this is taking it a step too far.

New dating trends emerge all the time, and daters invent new words to go with them. With all the changes in dating techniques, from meeting on apps and websites to keeping in touch with social media, there’s no current terms to describe these new phenomena! So stay alert — both that you’re not a victim of these tactics or the offender. And please don’t accidentally use the eggplant emoji to talk about your vegetable garden. Trust me.

The post Do You Know Your Dating Lingo? appeared first on .

Over the past few years, there’s been a lot of talk about ghosting, the one-sided act of ending a relationship without having the decency to tell the other person in the relationship that you’re ending it. It’s a cowardly move, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. In fact, there is a whole episode devoted to it in my podcast, So, We Met Online… In the episode, I talk about how yours truly got ghosted. Bad idea to ghost a dating coach, by the way… I have the means and the venue to share the story! Just saying…

Let’s look at a few different scenarious.  How about after one or two dates… is that considered ghosting if you don’t talk to each other again? It’s not ghosting, per se, if you don’t want to see someone again, however, if the other person has made him or herself vulnerable to you (this is the key)—asking you out again—then the only decent thing to do in this case is to let the other person down, honestly and tactfully.

If your date wants to see you again, you’ll usually get a text that night or the next day. If you’re not interested, you have four choices:

1. Agree to go out with him/her again
2. Politely decline with a white lie
3. Politely decline with the truth
4. Ignore him/her until the whole thing just goes away

Assuming you really do not want to go out with the person again, as I mentioned above, the best option is #3. (#2 is just delaying the inevitable, and not everyone can read between the lines.) No one should be angry with you for feeling how you feel; the other person might be disappointed, of course. But, it’s all in how you say it. Try this on for size:

It was really nice meeting you, and thanks again for the drink. Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the connection I was looking for, but I wish you all the best!

Not bad, right? It’s truthful, gets the point across, and there won’t be any miscommunication. Other variations are:

Thanks again for the coffee yesterday, and I appreciate your reaching out to do it again! After some reflection, I don’t see this moving forward romantically for me. It was great meeting you, though, and I wish you the best.

One more—this one I helped a client craft after a date where it turns out they know some people in common.

Thank you so much for a nice time the other day. You’re very interesting on many levels. Unfortunately, I’ll have to pass on meeting again as I didn’t feel a romantic connection, but since we know so many people in common, I have no doubt our paths will cross again soon, which I’ll look forward to. All the best to you!

What not to do:

• Ignore someone. It’ll come back to bite you in the you-know-what when you have that awkward run-in.
• Be rude to someone, by saying that you found your date to be unattractive or anything else that might tear that person down (remember: honest and tactful).

Now, should you ever proactively take this approach if, say, you both walk away from the first date with no interest in the other? Generally, in that situation, no further communication is necessary, but if you know you’re going to see each other at work (happens all the time) or elsewhere, it’s best to close the loop, or else some awkward avoidances are in your future.

I know a ghoster’s rationale is, “Well, I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.” The only person you’re not hurting in the process of ghosting someone is yourself, by avoiding a difficult conversation.

The post The Alternative to Ghosting… Telling the Truth appeared first on .

If you’re Jewish, like I am, then you know that the most sacred time of the year, the High Holidays, is upon us.  (It’s a bit later than usual this year because of the extra month added to the calendar this year.  It’s somewhat like our Leap Year but much more intense!)  And if you’re not Jewish, the advice I’m about to give applies to you, too, of course… and you don’t even have to fast on Yom Kippur tomorrow!

The high holidays are all about welcoming in a sweet new year and then repenting for our sins, eating apples and honey and then fasting for a day.  It’s about starting on a new foot and then casting our bad deeds in the water at Tashlich, one small piece of stale rye crust at a time.  What does this have to do with dating?  I’d venture to say that those of us who are on the market have committed a sin or two in the field of dating.  True—the Ten Commandments don’t discuss the ethics of ending a bad date (I do, of course), but in this day and age, we’re more likely to commit a dating sin than bear false witness against our neighbor… whatever that even means.  Am I right?

So, let’s really think about it this year.  What dating sins have we committed, and can we rectify them?  Some common sins (this seems too strong of a word—let’s call them “dins” for dating + sins) are:

Din #1: The last-minute cancel and never reschedule

You have a date planned that you’re just feeling “meh” about. You’re tired. The last thing you want is to change out of your too-loose-to-show-other-people red sweatpants. So, you cancel. Do you propose another date?  No. Next time, cancel with the truth, or schedule another date at the time you’re canceling.

Din #2: Last-minute canceling via text

This is an addendum to Din #1. Text is never an appropriate way to cancel a date within, say, four hours of the date itself.  If you have someone’s number, please have the courtesy to call and make sure the person you’re canceling on gets the message (a voicemail counts).  If your date doesn’t respond, then you can follow up with a text. Your time is not more valuable than someone else’s.

Din #3: Shutting down in the first five minutes

Sometimes you walk into a date and just know that this person’s not for you. That’s okay. But, completely shutting down, making the other person feel like he or she is talking to a piece of broccoli is not the answer. Instead, change your mindset. Can I learn something from this person? Might this person be a business contact? Maybe a friend is a good fit for this person instead? If you’re going to be sitting there anyway, you might as well get something out of it.

Din #4: Deciding you’re not interested and never telling the other person (aka ghosting)

It’s okay if you’re not interested in someone anymore after a few dates. It happens. That’s what dating is all about.  But if you’ve gone on more than one date with a person and decided that he or she isn’t for you (of if you’ve gone on just one date but the other person expressed interest in meeting again), dropping off the face of the earth is one big din. It doesn’t require much, just a simple email or text saying something like, “Thanks again for a fun date/couple dates. Unfortunately, I’m just not feeling the chemistry/connection I’m looking for, but I wish you all the best!” It’s not a crime to lose interest in someone. But, the mature thing to do is to end it on a positive note. Plus, if you run into this person later, she won’t have to whisper behind your back that you’re the guy or gal who snubbed her.

No one’s perfect, and I’m sure we’ve all committed one or more of these dins, but let’s take a moment to think about how we can improve the dating world this year, one “din” at a time.

Feel free to use the comments section to add any other dating sins you’ve encountered.

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.

The post Have you committed a dating sin? appeared first on .

In the days before texting and Tinder, there was actual talking and the art of the real, in-person conversation.  Even on Sex and The City, when Berger broke up with Carrie on a (dare I say it?) Post-it note, it was viewed as terrible form.  And it was.

So, why now, do people think it’s okay to not even give someone the courtesy of the measly Post-it note?  Some people are doing what has been termed “ghosting,” just up and leaving a relationship without having to courtesy to tell your significant other that you’re, well, up and leaving.  Some people called it “the fade-away,” some call it the “disappearing act,” and some have called it “falling off the earth.”  What do I call it?  Rudeness, cowardice, and selfishness for starters.

There was an article in Huffington Post the other day called ‘Ghosting:’ The 21st-Century Dating Problem Everyone Talks About, But No One Knows How To Deal With.  It talked about this phenomenon and how people are simply disappearing because that seems easier than breaking up with someone.  It even happened to a friend of mine after over a year of dating someone.  She got an email from her boyfriend saying that he was going through a rough patch.  She, as a dutiful girlfriend, said that she’d, of course, be there for him.  And that was the last time he ever spoke to her.  Her only remaining remnant was her Facebook profile photo, which she promptly took down in first confusion and then disappointment.

With the ubiquitous use of modern technology—text, GChat, Hinge, Tinder, What’s App, Google Voice, OkCupid—it’s almost too easy to think of people as disposable, just as the technology that once was so novel and exciting is now a bit older and less exciting.  But people are not things.  People have feelings.  For that reason alone, you need to buck up and have an actual, real conversation, whether you’ve been on three dates or 300.

While there are no specific rules, this is what I recommend:

After one date

If you mutually do not want to see each other again, then no follow-up is necessary.  If, however, one person asks the other out again, and the second party does not want to go, then the best option is to say something to the effect of, “Thank you so much for a nice time the other night.  I’m, unfortunately, not feeling that connection that I’m looking for, but I wish you the best of luck.”

After two to three dates

Given that you’ve now spent at least several hours together, it is best to acknowledge that there will not be any future dates.  “I think you’re great, and I’ve been having a lot of fun with you, but I unfortunately don’t see this going forward romantically.  Some guy/gal will be very lucky to find you!”  Email or phone is fine for this.

After four or more dates but before being exclusive

I have the same advice here as the two to three date guidance, but this should really be a conversation where you can hear each other’s voices, either over the phone or in person.

In an exclusive relationship

The only way to break up with someone when you’re in an exclusive relationship, barring distance, is in person.  Period.

Writing about the subject in The Date Report in May, reporter Sara Ashley O’Brien explained that ghosting just prolongs the time it takes to get over someone:

“A simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, ‘Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,’ would provide so much more closure.  It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days.  When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.”

Greg Behrendt of He’s Just Not That Into You fame disagrees, saying, “It’s simple, and there’s no need to contemplate the many ‘reasons’ a date is unresponsive.  When someone’s not texting you and you see they’ve read your text, then you should really get it.”

Here’s the difference.  While someone might get it, he or she does not deserve it.  Behrendt goes on to say that when you’re tired of something, like a movie or a sports team, you just walk away.  He’s turning people into objects.  People are not things.  We have feelings and emotions and limited time to sit around and wait to see if our love interest is going to contact us again in the next three days… or ever.

Some people rationalize their “ghosting” behavior by saying that they are trying to spare the other person’s feelings by not sharing the truth.  If that’s what makes you sleep at night, then fine, but we all know that’s a big load of you-know-what.

The moral of the story is to own up to your actions, take a little discomfort in the present (telling someone how you feel) for a future of knowing you’re an upstanding person who doesn’t hurt others to spare yourself.  I’ve seen too many incidents of this happen with friends and clients.  Don’t be a culprit, and I certainly hope you’re not a victim.  Just be a good person, have fun with dating, and when it’s over, just have the courtesy to let the person you’re seeing in on your decision.

The post Is “Ghosting” the New Post-It Note? appeared first on .