On Valentine’s Day, many people reflect on the fact that they are single and don’t necessarily want to be. (Side note: Being single is MORE than okay… sprawl out in bed, watch what you want on TV, and revel in the fact that your life is your own. Enjoy it!)

But, should you want to meet someone, while we obviously can’t control chemistry or the longevity of relationships, we can certainly control our approach to finding someone. Here are five tips on why you might be single and how you can change that:

1. You’re not using online dating sites effectively. 

Almost daily, clients and friends alike complain about being single, yet when I ask what they’re doing to change that, I’m often met with a shrug, a blush, or a response of “not much, I guess.” Dating takes work! We can’t rely on serendipity. We can count on hard work… and even then, there’s no guarantee. What does “work” mean as it relates to dating? Once you have a profile up, you have to reach out to people… and then actually set up the dates. Swiping endlessly with no conversation will get you nowhere.

2. You have unrealistic expectations of how you should feel on/after a first date (and too strict criteria for going on a second).

I know everyone wants the fireworks or the elusive “spark,” but when nerves come into play, it’s often difficult to gauge how well you might get along with someone. The first date should not determine whether you can spend your future with someone. Rather, it should simply be a chance to see if you have some rapport. And the criteria I advise for a second date is, “Do I want to have one more conversation with this person?” If the answer is yes, or even maybe, then I encourage a second date. Take some pressure off of yourself to “feel it” immediately. 

3. You’re not holding yourself to the standard of the person you’re looking for.

Are you looking for someone fit and active? Then it will help to be fit and active yourself. Someone who reads 15 books a year? Then you better get cracking on that reading list! I see clients all the time who have a wish-list, but they don’t look inward to see what they have to offer to a partner. Ask yourself, “Would I want to date me?” If the answer is no, then it’s time for some self-improvement.

4. You complain about dating a lot.

Yes, dating can be frustrating. But talking about how frustrating it is all the time is not a turn-on, especially on a date itself. Try to stay positive, and if you can’t, take a hiatus from dating until you can.

5. You’re not putting your best foot forward.

I meet with many clients in person. When I see how they present themselves, I sometimes ask, “Is that what you’d wear on a date?” or “Would you be chewing gum like that on a date?” (I definitely practice tough love.) I’m often met with, “No — I knew I wasn’t planning on seeing anyone today I’m trying to impress.” While perhaps true, we are always presenting ourselves… at a coffee shop, at the gym, or on a date. Remember this: first impressions can’t be redone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, whether single, coupled, or something in between, just know that I’m in your corner.

Love,

Erika

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I was watching the TV show Transparent on Amazon Prime about a year ago, and one of the characters said something that stuck with me. As Entertainment Weekly recaps the episode, it says,

“Desire isn’t just about getting what you want. It’s about remaining, as Vicki describes it to Maura, ‘NATO — not attached to outcome.’”

The reason I love this NATO acronym is that it consolidates so much of the advice I give to clients in terms of how to view dating, not as a means to an end but more as a dynamic process. Not everyone will be “the one.” In fact, by definition, all but one will be this person. So many of my clients, wanting to find their future long-term partner or spouse, only have this one acceptable outcome in mind. And to them, they see anything short of that—which is most situations—as a failure. This is not how I recommend dating.

Instead, I recommend dating “not attached to outcome.” Not everyone will be compatible romantically, but does that mean that the whole experience was a waste of time? Of course not. For example, one of my best friends is someone I met on Tinder in 2014. Were he and I meant to get married? No. But we love having each other in our lives in a different capacity. Some dates might lead to business contacts… or tennis partners… or partners for our friends.

Many people think of point Z as the ultimate conclusion, whether that’s a long-term relationship or marriage. So, in dating, they have point Z in mind the whole time, trying to backfill into whether this person next to them drinking a glass of wine can fulfill that role. This mindset often causes dates to feel like interviews, which is not a pleasant way to spend an evening.

Rather, I would like people to start at point A—meeting a new person. Maybe that person will get to point D or maybe even point T but not make it all the way to Z. That’s okay. Maybe you needed a D or a T in your life. Try to be open to all the possibilities.

I send a survey to my clients after each date, and below are two of the more memorable ones recently:

“She told me she had a great time and we texted all the way from leaving the bar until we got home. There was a lot that I do like about her but not sure this is really an ideal match.“

“We have a ton in common and he would be great to do things with – but I didn’t feel any physical/sexual attraction. I think he would be a great friend but probably not my ideal partner/husband.“

Why were they memorable? Because these two people were trying to use the first date as a benchmark of future compatibility instead of simply having a good time and planning a second date to see if there is more of a connection. Remember that going on a second date with someone who is a “maybe” does not commit you to anything other than a second date! It’s not leading someone on to go on another date “just to see.” The whole point of dating is to see if there’s compatibility. Often, we simply can’t know that after one interaction. A NATO attitude would help here. And this advice is not limited to either gender.

So, continue going on your dates, but try to take the pressure off of yourself to assess everyone’s long-term compatibility. While that may be the ultimate goal, remember that there can be small wins in the process, if you’re willing to open yourself up to them.

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While a lot of the advice I give revolves around how to get the first date, even more important is how to nail that first date. First dates can be nerve-wracking, whether you’re a seasoned dater or not. Let’s take a look at some tips for the all-important first date:

What not to do on a first date:

1. Have your phone out or text
2. Talk about your ex, positively or negatively
3. Be late without notice
4. Be excessively late, with or without notice
5. Be rude to a server… or anyone
6. Drink too much
7. Talk about work the entire time
8. Have bad breath/hygiene
9. Talk about marriage (either your future one or what went wrong in your last one)
10. Fail to tip well
11. Talk about yourself too much
12. Be fake or some false version of yourself
13. Flip the “off” switch if no attraction

The last point always gets some questions. Sometimes we walk into a date and know within a matter of minutes that there is no physical attraction whatsoever. I’m a big believer that attraction can grow, but in order to grow, there at least has to be a little seedling to start. If there’s not, many people will just turn off, or no longer be present on the date. This means that you’re not only wasting your time but your date’s as well. Rather than deciding that this date is a failure at the get-go, instead, reframe your mind. Could this person teach you something? Could he or she be a business contact? When you frame things as, “What can I get out of this interaction?” then it’s a more pleasant experience for both of you.

What to do on a first date:

1. Confirm one day before the date (via text is A-okay)
2. Arrive on time
3. Greet each other with a casual hug (hug = date, handshake = interview)
4. Wear clothes to match the venue
5. Put the phone away (Yes, away!)
6. Smile and remain positive
7. Ask questions
8. Have a two-sided conversation
9. Most importantly… have fun!

One additional point about confirming a day before the date. Use the confident “Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow” vs. “Are we still on?” If someone is inclined to cancel, it won’t matter how you ask, so you might as well show your self-confidence.

Body language—how to increase the “flirt factor” on the date:

1. Face your date: Are your knees facing your date or turned away? The more you point them towards your date, the more likely you are into him/her, and vice versa.

2. Sit next to or catty-corner rather than across: It’s much easier to have a more intimate, and less interview-like conversation this way.

3. Maintain eye contact: If you want someone to know you’re truly listening, then make the appropriate eye contact.

4. Again… Don’t forget to smile

There are no right or wrong questions to ask on a date, but the ones that do better require more than a simple one-word answer. For example, “What made you passionate about medicine?” is more interesting than “What do you do?”

Some other ideas:

1. How was your day? (Often overlooked, but a great conversation starter.)
2. What do you like to do after work?
3. What made you decide to move to this area, and how do you like it?
4. What does your ideal Sunday look like?

All of these questions are things the other person already knows about him or herself, so it doesn’t require too much introspection. Then you can delve deeper:

Level 1: What do you do?

Level 2: Have you always had a passion for medicine and animals?

Level 3: What are some of the more memorable stories from your job?

Level 4: Were you scared when you thought that sweet cat wasn’t going to make it?

Remember that, in dating, there’s no perfect science… far from it. But using these pointers will at least get you on the right track… and potentially a second date!

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I still remember that in high school, when the entire calculus class looked clueless about the necessity of integrals in our lives, our teacher, Mr. Opre, told us to “talk the talk and walk the walk” until we started to actually understand how this newfangled way of calculating the area actually worked. At first, I didn’t know what he was talking about, but what he meant was that we needed to go through the motions (as in, just follow the mathematical steps) until it started to feel like we actually knew what we were doing. And slowly but surely, his advice worked, and I was calculating the area under a curve like it was my calling in life. (Don’t ask me to calculate one today, though!)

What does all of this have to do with dating? Some of us are jaded by the dating process, and some of us are feeling insecure about getting back out there. Some of us may feel like we lost a sense of ourselves in our last relationship, so we need to get back into the things we love to do… but what were they? If anything here hits pretty close to home, then I’m going to give the same advice that the wise Mr. Opre once gave: Talk the talk and walk the walk. Eventually, things will start to catch up with you.

There was an article in Scientific American in 2011 called, “Smile! It Could Make You Happier.” Doesn’t this seem counterintuitive? Don’t you smile because you feel happy, and not the other way around? Maybe not. Psychologists at the University of Cardiff in Wales found that people whose ability to frown is diminished by cosmetic botox injections are happier, on average, than people who can frown. The researchers gave a questionnaire to 25 women, half of whom had received frown-inhibiting botox injections. The botox recipients reported feeling happier; more importantly, they did not report feeling any more attractive, suggesting that the emotional effects were not driven by a psychological boost that could come from the treatment’s cosmetic nature.

So, if smiling can make you happier, can talking the talk and walking the walk make you more confident in your dating life? I’d venture to say yes. Most things in life are all about framing. Let’s say someone asks, “What do you like to do for fun?” You have two options: You could look down on yourself, saying something like, “Oh, I don’t know. I guess I like to do my daily crossword puzzle and play Words with Friends. That’s about all.” Or, you could own it and talk the talk of confidence, even if you’re not feeling it quite yet. “I’m trying to get into some new activities, but for now, I’ve rediscovered my love for crossword puzzles and word games. I love challenging my brain!” Which person would you rather date?

If you feel jaded or insecure, when you get to that date, it’s important that you exude some level of confidence. Rather than the person across the table thinking, “Ugh – she really doesn’t think very highly of herself,” or, “She must have been on one too many bad dates recently,” he’ll instead think, “Wow – I can’t believe she made time for me tonight!”

So, talk the talk, walk the walk, and calculate some integrals. (Ok, that last one is optional.) Thanks, Mr. Opre!

Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future post? Date411@alittlenudge.com

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