Have you heard the expression “hookup culture” recently?  Our friend and foe Wikipedia defines “hookup culture” as a culture that accepts and encourages casual sexual encounters, focusing on immediate pleasure rather than long-term commitment.  This is not a new phenomenon by any means.  The American Psychological Association (APA) says that hookups became more frequent in the 1920s, believe it or not, when more people were driving cars and going to movie theaters (aka getting out of their parents’ houses).  Then, in the 1960s, with feminism on the rise and more people sexually liberated, it became even more acceptable.  The APA says, and I agree, that today’s hookup culture represents a marked shift in openness and acceptance of uncommitted sex.  I know that I, for one, can’t say I know anyone who is waiting until marriage to have sex.  Do you?

Why am I giving a history of hookup culture, you may be wondering?  I want to look at today’s trends as it relates to the dating apps that now exist.

This past August, a Vanity Fair article came out, claiming that Tinder (owned by the same company as Match and OurTime, The Match Group) and apps like it are starting what they call a “Dating Apocalypse.”  The article contends that in today’s society, many people, especially millennials, are moving toward this hookup culture that I’ve been talking about, where everything is determined by instant gratification.  The article goes on to say that the people they profiled—twenty-somethings in New York City—are even going as far as using the app as a game to see just how many people they can sleep with in any given period of time.  It goes on to say that the art of dating is solely becoming extinct, much like the cassette tape and the rotary phone.

As an online dating coach, I am asked by people all the time, “Are dating apps just for hooking up?”  My answer is always the same: Yes … if you both hook up.  (Just for the record, I hate the expression “hook up.”  I think it sounds classless, but, just like most of us, I have to adapt to the times, too.)  Any site can be used for anything you’re looking for.  Do more people “hook up” on JSwipe (JDate’s Tinder-eqsue app that it acquired for $7 million last year) than on Elite Singles?  Probably.  Do some people troll the “serious” dating sites looking for a one-night stand?  Sure.  And do some people find meaningful, lasting relationships from an app like the one discussed in the Vanity Fair article? You bet.

As for the point the article made about the world becoming a place of casual relationships, I’ll just say that you get what you allow.  If you’re looking for a serious relationship, but you allow someone into your life in a physical-only capacity, then that’s what you get.  If you instead hold out for someone who is also looking for the commitment you are, then you’ll get that instead.

There are, of course, some benefits to using the dating apps:

They’re efficient.  When you match with someone, you could meet that person within hours, or even minutes, depending on how close you are.  Chemistry is the wild card that is either there or not, so meeting face-to-face in a timely fashion is one of the keys to online dating.  Also, because of a very granular GPS system, the apps allow you to find people in your vicinity whose paths you might not have crossed.  Some dating services target a radius within your ZIP code, which also locates people you might not meet otherwise but within a much larger area.  Lastly, they’re easy to set up and free.  With a few clicks and a Facebook account, you can make a profile.

As for whether you should use Tinder or any other app to find a date, that’s up to you.  I contend that people should use any resources available to them.  Don’t NOT use something because of its reputation.  But, if you want to ensure that other people have some skin in the game, in the form of a monthly payment, then the “traditional” online dating sites like Match.com, eHarmony, JDate, Christian Mingle, and those similar are still your best bet.

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Online dating has been around for a while now.  In fact, Match.com first opened its proverbial doors back in 1993!  As you may know, I was actually a very early adopter of online dating, using JDate back in 2000 or 2001, before people really had any idea what it was all about.  My parents, naturally, flipped out, thinking I was going to meet some psycho-killer, or worse, someone who wasn’t worthy of their daughter!  The worst that happened, of course, was a few bad dates with some socially awkward men… er… boys who were clueless as to what dating actually involved.  But why not try it out?  I was technologically savvy.  I mean, I did have a cell phone in college before anyone else did, even if it was this ridiculously large blue thing that I didn’t want anyone to know I had.  (It was very uncool to have a cell phone back then.)

I thought we’d take a stroll down memory lane and compare online dating in the early 2000s to online dating today.

Then

Person 1: Um… I’m going on a date with this guy Steve.

Person 2: That’s great!  Where did you meet him?

Person 1: Well, we haven’t actually “met” yet.  I found him on JDate.

Person 2: What?!?!  You’re not that desperate, are you?  Geez—protect yourself!  Tell me all the details.  Let me know where you’ll be.  I just hope you’ll be safe.  You never know what psychos are hiding on those sites.  Wow—I didn’t know anyone I knew would actually try online dating!

Now

Person 1: Um… I’m going on a date with this guy Steve.

Person 2: That’s great!  Where did you meet him?

Person 1: On OkCupid.

Person 2: Cool!  My sister met her husband on Match.com.  Have fun!

——

Then

OMG—I think that guy across the room at the dessert table looked at my profile on (whisper) eHarmony.  I can’t even look at him.  How embarrassing!

Now

I think that guy and I matched on Coffee Meets Bagel (an online dating app) the other day.  I think I’ll go say hi!  Maybe it’ll speed up the process of him asking me out.

——

Then

Which four pictures should I use for my JDate profile?  I guess I’ll have to upload the pictures from my new digital camera to my computer to post them on the site.  Or, I guess I can scan some of the other ones I have.  I hope it works.

Now

Which pictures should I use for my OkCupid, Hinge, and Tinder profiles?  Let me check out some pics on Facebook and my phone to see which ones I want to use.  Actually, I think there’s a really good one on Instagram that someone tagged me in!

Side note: I still only recommend posting three to five photos. 

——

Then

Person: How did you two meet?

Couple: Um… well… haha… it’s a long story.  (Look at each other embarrassingly.)

Now

Person: How did you two meet?

Couple (in unison): Online!

The stigma is gone, and online dating is here to stay.  Daily Mail UK predicts that in 20 years, half of all couples will meet online, and this number may rise to 70% by 2040.  If you’re not already playing the online dating game, now’s the time to give it a whirl.  Why not?

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