Ah, Valentine’s Day.  Some people love the chocolates and flowers.  Some people hate the saccharine Hallmark cards that permeate the aisles.  And, of course, some people choose to treat February 14^th as just any other day of the year.  Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, many people do place a lot of weight on the holiday, and that is evidenced by the number of people who log into the online dating sites in advance of, and after, 2/14.

In February of last year, the dating site Zoosk ran some numbers on their subscribers to see if any trends could be assessed.  The site found that there were 16 percent more messages sent in the two weeks following Valentine’s Day compared to the two weeks before.  Why might this be?  I have two theories:

1. The time leading up to Valentine’s Day is full of pressure, so perhaps people prefer to wait until after the holiday when the pressure is off and there’s no perceived deadline to find a date or a relationship.
2. Just like the Turkey Drop, perhaps many a relationship has ended, and the next thing people look to do is go online for a new belle or beau.

According to Zoosk, Valentine’s Day itself had the least number of profile views of any day in February for both men and women—25 percent below average.  This one makes sense.  Not too many people want to admit to looking at an online dating site on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year.  Valentine’s Day also had the least number of registrations of any day in February for both men and women, down 16 percent from the average.

Interestingly enough, Match.com said that its site is targeted to have more than two million users logging on over 36 million times in the first week of January, and the busiest period kicks off on Christmas Day each year and typically lasts until February 14.  During that time, the site boasts a 30% increase in new member sign-ups.

This is interesting.  Either Zoosk and Match see opposite trends for the two weeks leading up to the 14^th, or the busiest season is skewed a bit to the right, peaking in late December and January and dipping a bit in February while still keeping the numbers above average.  Two years ago, though, Match.com did come out and say, “Match.com sees a 20 percent uptick in new members the week after Valentine’s Day (when compared to the subsequent weeks).”

What do I say about all of this?  If you’re single and looking, the time is now to get online.  Whether this week or next week is statistically the best or the worst is irrelevant.  What’s most important is whether you feel ready, and if you do, then go for it!  And if you need some tips to help you along the way, feel free to read some of my older posts.

Happy V-Day!

The post Online Dating on Valentine’s Day appeared first on .

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a literature buff.  I vaguely remember reading Romeo & Juliet in high school, but that’s really the extent of my knowledge.  (I did used to think it was interesting that female parts were played by men for a period of time, though.)  At any rate, there is a quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet that I seem to use over and over again when it comes to online dating (and dating in general): “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”  As our good friend Wikipedia shares, this phrase is often used as a figure of speech to indicate that a person’s overly frequent or vehement attempts to convince others of something have ironically helped to convince others that the complete opposite is true, by making the person look defensive and insincere.  For example, if your vegan friend says seventeen times at brunch, “Of course I don’t care if you want to eat steak and eggs in front of me,” then the number of times he says that often directly correlates to how much he actually does care.

Why the lesson in 17^th century literature, you might ask?  As it relates to dating, people are often very quick to say something about themselves as a defense mechanism, when the reality of it is that without that defense, no one would make the very assumption that this person is denying.

As an example, I was perusing Match.com the other day, searching for women of interest for a client of mine in North Carolina, and I came across this profile below:

“I am a busy person who thinks she is easygoing.  I like to do things like clean and organize but I’m not OCD.  I’m happiest when I’ve tackled a project and then can sit back when I’m done and enjoy the accomplishment.”

Not only is it one of the more boring profiles on the site, but it also says, “I like to do things like clean and organize but I’m not OCD.”  The first thing I immediately think when I read that line is, “This woman is OCD, but she’s trying to hide it… very poorly.”  If you’re not, then don’t call attention to it.  And if you are, just be honest about it.  Either choice is better than the one she made.  “I love coming home to a clean, organized house” would have gotten the same point across without any judgment.

Let’s take a look at another excerpt from a Match.com profile:

“No, I’m not full of myself as I know where I came from and ‘I’m not a player’ and I should say I don’t have time for games or flakes as I have a lot to offer the right woman.  I’m a miner, I’m also a bit of a bad man in a ‘good way’ with a wild side I guess I’m like a M and M a tough hard exterior on the outside soft and sweet on the inside once you get to know me.”

Besides being a very poor writer, this gentleman starts out by making two claims: “I’m not full of myself” and “I’m not a player.”  Most women will read this as, “I’m a player, and I’m full of myself.”

In court, you’re innocent until proven guilty.  It’s the same thing with online dating.  There’s no need to compensate for something that should be considered the baseline, or the innocence, if you will.  Unless told otherwise, the baseline is that you’re honest and nice and everything else good in the world.  You’re starting at 100%.  It’s when you start to refute things that should be the baseline that people will start to question you.

So speak the truth, don’t cover things up, and if you’re tempted to say something in a defensive manner to dispel someone’s thoughts that you’re a certain way, it’s time to think again.  The reader most likely won’t notice until it’s pointed out.

Feel free to leave in the comments section any of these lines that you’ve seen where someone is protesting too much, youthinks.

The post The Lady Doth Protest Too Much, Methinks appeared first on .

There was a very popular post written the other day by a blogger named Matt Walsh called, Dear Single Dudes: It’s Time to Man Up.  The gist of his article is that men are often commitment-phobic, and they need to get themselves into gear to stop messing around and to have a serious relationship.  I read the post in its entirety, which I would advise you to do as well, and then I made the following comment:

I have to agree with everything you said in the article, both as a woman and as a dating coach.  But I have to wonder… had I written the exact same thing but coming from a woman’s point of view, would I be tarred and feathered for looking like I’m bitter, or worse, asking for something that shouldn’t be asked? Just a thought… I totally agree with all of your sentiments, though, and these are ones I preach to my clients all the time.

This brings us to the question: Whose responsibility is it to “(wo)man up?”  I dare to say the responsibility lies in both camps.  It’s true—almost every woman I know, whether a client or a friend, whether 25 years old or 65 years old, wants much of what the article says.  In particular, she wants a partner who is decisive, proactive, commitment-minded, future-oriented, and ready to discuss hard topics.  Very few women want the man-boy who calls it “hanging out” or “talking” rather than “dating.”  The best advice I could give to any man is to be clear about what your intentions are up front.  If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then say so.  And if you’re not, then make that clear as well… half of the people on Tinder do!  I know we live in a “hook-up” society, in part due to technology and the ease with which we now plan our rendezvous, but the best thing you can do is to be honest and let her have the choice as to whether to stick around or not.

Now, for the ladies…

I hear complaints like this all the time:

“He won’t pick up the phone to call me.  I am so sick of texting!”

“He only contacts me once a week.  What’s up with that?”

“Why can’t he ask me before Friday if I’m free this weekend?”

All of these are, of course, valid questions and concerns.  But what’s not valid is not saying anything about them to the person you’re dating!  As much as we want them to be, people are not mind readers.  Even if we think we’re being as clear as a freshly washed glass door (I use this as an example because I walked into one recently—oops), we often dance around things that bother us until the other person figures them out… which rarely happens.  This leads to the demise of many a relationship, when often simply talking it through would resolve the problem.

Let’s take the example of texting.  In this day and age, the default is to text.  Running late?  Send a text.  Curious to know what someone’s up to later?  Send a text.  Ask someone out on a second date?  You guessed it.  I pose this question: If this overuse of texting bothers you, what do you do about it?  Too often, the answer is nothing.  If you allow the texting to go on by answering all the time and not mentioning that you would prefer a phone call, then your date/partner assumes that it’s okay.  In fact, very recently, a 54-year-old female client called me to ask what to do about a guy from Match.com who has been texting her since asking for her phone number.  She said, “He must be lazy!  Should I just ignore him?”  My response was, “Write him back saying, ‘Why don’t you give me a ring, and we’ll schedule a time to meet.’”

In life, many people end up being passive-aggressive or unclear when trying to get a message across.  The act of having a real, honest conversation about something that’s bothering you is a lost art, but it’s the foundation of a good relationship.  Rather than having little things, like the frustration with texting, add up until you can’t take it anymore, instead, you can ask yourself, “Have I mentioned that I would prefer a call sometimes?”  If the answer is no, then before you break up (likely via text, given the circumstances), have a conversation about your different communication styles, and try to find a middle ground.

Now, let’s get back to the bigger issue at hand.  Let’s say someone new in your life is not “manning up,” as Matt’s article suggests.  Try this on for size: Ask what he’s looking for.  If the answer is not to your liking, then it’s time to cut the ties before you get too invested.  Remember that you get what you allow, so by allowing the “problem” to go on, you’re sending the message that it’s not a problem at all.  It would be nice if, as women, we never had to pine for more, but as we know, that rarely happens.  If he’s not “manning up,” it’s time to speak up!  And if you then find out that he’s not ready for the serious relationship that you are, and your nudge doesn’t push him in that direction, then it’s time to take stock of what you want and go out there to find it.

The post Is “Manning Up” the Answer? appeared first on .