I mentioned once that I felt a bit like Carrie Bradshaw when I sat down to write my first ever dating column many years ago.  Just as Carrie would have shopped for clothes on Sex and the City, I want to talk about how online dating is a bit like clothes shopping.  (I know the analogy is slightly cringe-worthy, but bear with me for a minute.) 

When most of us go shopping, we fall in love with an article of clothing, say some black pin-striped pants that look like they’d sit perfectly on our waist, and then we look for our size.  Sadly, it’s not there—what a disappointment.  But that’s not how I shop.  I’m very petite (a whopping 5’1), so I have to do the reverse; I blindly shop for my size and then decide if I like what I find.  And sometimes I’ll even learn to love something in my size (I can think of a red dress offhand) because it fits so well, even though it’s not initially what I set out to buy.

Online dating is surprisingly similar.  People have a tendency to look through the whole universe of people online for that perfect-looking garment, or person, who on the outside looks like a match made in heaven.  But as you dig deeper, you learn that the fit just isn’t right for one reason or another—he wants children and you don’t, she is not yet divorced, he doesn’t feel the same way you do about higher education, etc.  But you want to make it work so badly because you love what you see on the surface.  I can’t tell you the number of times I loved a pair of pants at Banana Republic, and I tried on a “regular” (rather than “petite”—aka “short”), somehow hoping that the sizing would miraculously be a bit off and they would fit that day.  Pants we can hem, but people we can’t.

Think about this for a moment: Search instead for people who fit the objective things you’re looking for (your size requirements, or your non-negotiables), then send an email to a wide range of people who fit those criteria.  Try to keep the non-negotiable list short, perhaps to a handful of things you either can’t live with or can’t live without.  Beyond that, cast a wide net.  You never know until you try on the pants, or the person, whether it’ll be a good fit, so you might as well search through everything in your size and try some things on.  Maybe the person who didn’t seem to be your type turns into the red dress.  It’s a match you weren’t expecting.  This method is much better than looking through people’s exterior qualities and then finding that nothing is your size.  You’re more likely to get a better fit in the end.

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How many deal breakers is it appropriate to have when searching online for a partner?  One, five, fifteen?  There is no magic number, of course, and Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker says that five is a good choice… and I agree.  If there’s one thing I know from both my own dating experience and from being a dating coach, though, it’s that 125 is too many!  Where did I get this crazy number, you ask?

A woman recently posted on Tumblr a section of a guy’s profile on OkCupid that I’ll just say was pretty limiting.  And when I say “pretty limiting,” I actually mean ridiculously and obsessively rude and off-putting.  Below is just a small sample of his “do not message me if…” section.  (For the record, OkCupid actually has a section called “You should message me if…”  This means that he actually added this new section to his profile.  Classy.)

After reading the entire list, I counted, and I have 20 of his 125 “don’t message me if” qualities.  Most notable were:

• You consider yourself a happy person.  (Umm… guilty as charged.)
• You wear uncomfortable clothing and/or shoes for the sake of feminine style.  (We all know that women dress for other women!)
• You use the term “foodie.”  (I’m a foodie, all right, and I’m not sorry about it.  I’m just well fed.)

Even if I did fit everything (which I’m pretty sure no one possibly could), I would be so turned off by the negativity that I wouldn’t want to date him anyway.  A question I would pose to him is this: Why do most of these things matter to you?

In talking with Sarah Gooding, the resident Dating Coach at PlentyOfFish, she and I agreed that one should create and live by a few key dating deal breakers.  Most singles have established certain rules when it comes to dating, but they don’t know that they may have too many unnecessary deal breakers that are preventing them from finding a great relationship.  To ensure the right person isn’t being overlooked, let’s look at these five dating deal breaker rules, courtesy of Sarah and elaborated on by yours truly:

1. Deal breakers should be qualities, values, or beliefs that won’t change.

A lot of clients have said things to me like, “I can’t date him.  He’s between jobs.”  Does this mean he can’t get a job in the future?  Of course not!  Income can change; employment status can change; ambition probably can’t. 

2. Create no more than five deal breakers/must haves.

Sit down and really think about what’s important to you.  Maybe it’s religious beliefs or level of education.  Stick to your guns on those things, but beyond that, explore.  As an exercise, picture that perfect person with or without each “deal breaker” and see if it matters.  If not, then it’s time to reevaluate your list.

3. Do not mention your deal breakers in the text of your online dating profile.

Most online dating sites have many check-box questions, such as age, religion, children, etc.  This is where the deal breakers will come out.  If you want kids, then check that box accurately.  No need to then state, “Don’t write to me if you don’t want to have children.”

4. Don’t use your previous relationship to create future deal breakers.

It’s easy after a relationship ends to want to find the exact opposite type of person, isn’t it?  We go through all of the things we loathed about our ex and list those as our new deal breakers.  I encourage everyone not to do this because 1) it comes off as fairly bitter and 2) there must have been some good quality in that person if you dated in the first place.  Using what you learned from your last relationship, make your list, but don’t make it solely based on what didn’t work the last time.

Also, as a side note, everything that may be a trait that you don’t want in a partner can likely be turned into a trait that you do want.  For example:

Negative: I’m not looking for players or serial daters.

Positive: I’m looking for someone who is ready for a committed relationship.

5. Be open-minded if someone meets all of your criteria.  However, if he or she doesn’t, decide if it’s worth giving it a shot.

If someone meets all of the criteria you’ve set for yourself, then it can’t hurt to give it a try.  On the one hand, perfect on paper doesn’t equal perfect in real life, so you’ll still have to assess chemistry, but at least you’ll know that you’re off to a good start.  On the other hand, if you know that someone has one of your deal breakers (let’s say religion), then perhaps it’s best not to “try that person on” if you know in the long run it’s not something you can live with.

Remember that in the end, what’s often the most important is how someone treats you.  Is he or she kind, generous, and giving?  How about trustworthy and honest?  That’s what matters in life.

A final note to the guy on OkCupid:

I wear yoga pants when I’m not engaging in yoga (I may or may not be wearing them right now), and I have participated in a flash mob.  We are obviously not meant to be.

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About three months ago, I went to adopt a dog. This was a big step for me since, as a young girl, I was bitten by my neighbor’s dog (and still have the scar to prove it). So, after months of petting dogs to get comfortable and reading “Dogs for Dummies” so I would have somewhat of a clue after the pup joined the Ettin clan, I was ready to bite the bullet and adopt a pooch. I searched the list and fell in love with little Bashful’s pictures. She was just so darn cute! I read her bio, and she seemed to have everything I was looking for – the right size, a good age, and that nice, brown, low-shedding fur that I like.

On that Sunday morning, I went to the adoption event, pages of notes in hand so I would know what to buy at the pet store once little Bashful was mine. (I’m an obsessive note-taker.) When I got there, she was just as cute as her photos… maybe even more so. And she was sweet, walking right up to me and sitting in my lap. What more could I want?

So, I was told to buy a collar while they got the paperwork ready. I opted to sit with her for another few minutes, saying things like, “I’m gonna be your puppy mommy.” (I’m also a total sap.) As the forms were coming my way, and I was really starting to bond with my new friend, a supervisor came over to me and said (while Bashful was still in my lap, mind you), “So, we decided that we’re not going to let you adopt this dog. She can only go to a home with other dogs. And by the way, she can’t live in the city, either.” Had any of that that been in her bio? No. Had they told me that before I started to get excited and bond with her? No. Would I have even chosen her had I known this was the case? Of course not. So I left, feeling sad that I was not getting the new best friend I wanted, and deceived that something so important (a deal breaker, if you will) had not been stated upfront.

As I walked away, I thought to myself that the situation sounded oddly related to online dating. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where a profile says exactly what we want it to. We meet our date and everything seems to be going fine until…

BAM! – Your date tells you he doesn’t want children.
BAM! – She’s really just separated and not divorced.
BAM! – She has four kids but she only listed one.
BAM! – He said he’s Jewish but he’s not practicing and doesn’t care about his partner’s religious affiliation, yet when I ordered pork lo mein, it looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

In online dating, it’s so important that your deal breakers are out there front and center. If you don’t want children, that’s fine! Just make sure you check that box off in your profile. If you’re extremely religious, that’s fine, too! Don’t underplay that simply to get more dates. The last thing you want is for someone to go out with you only to be disappointed because you didn’t disclose something really important in your profile. So don’t be bashful. Be true to yourself. You may go on fewer dates, but your dates will want you for you rather than for the person who is trying to appeal to everyone simply by not sharing the truth.

And this goes for searching, too. As hard as it may be, try not to fall in love with someone’s pictures and profile (just words on a page) before meeting in person. I kept that in mind as I continued to search for a pet. I wanted a dog who loved me for me – living in an apartment in downtown DC, having no other pets (besides Sir Quackers, my childhood stuffed duck), and just wanting to show him/her love and affection. With that in mind, I have since rescued a different dog, Scruffy, from the same agency, and I could not be happier with him!

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