Over the years, I’ve been known as LovesLifeDC, SassyScotchLover, SmartNSassy, and SassClassWhisky.  No, these aren’t nicknames I got from friends in college or at my first job.  These were all of my usernames on the dating site OkCupid.

Am I sharing this to show you how to craft a successful username?  I wish that were the case.  Sadly, I’m sharing this because, as of the start of 2018 (and for some people, today), OkCupid will be removing usernames for good.  So, if you’re a MusicLoverFromAK, you’ll just be known as Trisha now.  Or, if you’re a YogaPatsFan, then you’ll be called Steve from now on.  And, of course, if you’re Jenetics, as my cousin was to share her name as a pun on what she does for a living, she’ll just be Jen now, in a sea of a million other Jens.  As our beloved President (I sure hope sarcasm comes out in writing) would say in a late-night tweet—SAD!

Now, Tinder and all of the other dating apps have always just used first names, generally pulled from one’s Facebook account.  And it works for the apps.  But, OkCupid (aka OkC) was different.  OkCupid has a much longer profile, a la Match.com or eHarmony, where you can learn more about someone besides just swiping right on a picture (although OkC did introduce a swiping function on its app in order to compete).

Here’s why I contend that this is a change not for the better but for the worse:

1. Anonymity

With your real name, it’s much easier for someone to look you up on social media.  Just put together a first name and a job, and it’s a pretty easy sleuthing mission.  I believe names should be shared if and when someone chooses to share them.

2. Creativity

Someone’s username is a testament to his or her desire to be creative.  I would be much more inclined to write to a MusicLoverFromAK (since I know this person is into music and is from Alaska—pretty cool) than I would a Sam or a Pat.  A unique and clever username shows that the user has taken the time to think it through and is perhaps more invested in the dating process because of that.

3. Uniqueness

While OkC got rid of its function that allows someone to look up a profile by the person’s username, you were still able to back into it by using a link like this:

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/username

Now, with so many Bobs and Joes and Erikas (oh my!), how will a user be able to look someone up?  When I work with my clients, I need to be able to see their profiles in order to critique them.  This makes is much more difficult.

Addendum: I just checked, and even after you change your name to your first name, the link (as I shared above) still uses the person’s original username.  For example, even if I changed my name to Erika, my link would be https://www.okcupid.com/profile/iamawesome. (Don’t click on this link since I made it up… although, I do, of course, like to think I’m awesome!)

4. Honesty

Even with this new rule, all users are prompted to enter their first names themselves.  What makes OkC think that people will be honest about their name?  I have an account I use to search for clients’ potential matches (an incognito account).  I just named myself Jerry.  Is my name Jerry?  Nope.  It’s not Ben, either.

I’m not sure why OkC would penalize all of the people with smart and fun usernames for the few who game the system to write something inappropriate.  And, if someone is inclined to write something inappropriate, then that’s information that would be useful to know up front.  As in, if someone wrote “d*ick” or “sex” in his username, I’d steer clear of that profile.

I’ll finish with my rant here.  OkC, I still love you, but this decision is one ForTheBirds.  Oh wait, I can’t use that as my name.  Okay, this one is not for Erika.

Source: https://theblog.okcupid.com/an-open-letter-on-why-were-removing-usernames-addressed-to-the-worst-ones-we-ve-ever-seen-dd017c75d49a

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Online dating has been around for a while now.  In fact, Match.com first opened its proverbial doors back in 1993!  As you may know, I was actually a very early adopter of online dating, using JDate back in 2000 or 2001, before people really had any idea what it was all about.  My parents, naturally, flipped out, thinking I was going to meet some psycho-killer, or worse, someone who wasn’t worthy of their daughter!  The worst that happened, of course, was a few bad dates with some socially awkward men… er… boys who were clueless as to what dating actually involved.  But why not try it out?  I was technologically savvy.  I mean, I did have a cell phone in college before anyone else did, even if it was this ridiculously large blue thing that I didn’t want anyone to know I had.  (It was very uncool to have a cell phone back then.)

I thought we’d take a stroll down memory lane and compare online dating in the early 2000s to online dating today.

Then

Person 1: Um… I’m going on a date with this guy Steve.

Person 2: That’s great!  Where did you meet him?

Person 1: Well, we haven’t actually “met” yet.  I found him on JDate.

Person 2: What?!?!  You’re not that desperate, are you?  Geez—protect yourself!  Tell me all the details.  Let me know where you’ll be.  I just hope you’ll be safe.  You never know what psychos are hiding on those sites.  Wow—I didn’t know anyone I knew would actually try online dating!

Now

Person 1: Um… I’m going on a date with this guy Steve.

Person 2: That’s great!  Where did you meet him?

Person 1: On OkCupid.

Person 2: Cool!  My sister met her husband on Match.com.  Have fun!

——

Then

OMG—I think that guy across the room at the dessert table looked at my profile on (whisper) eHarmony.  I can’t even look at him.  How embarrassing!

Now

I think that guy and I matched on Coffee Meets Bagel (an online dating app) the other day.  I think I’ll go say hi!  Maybe it’ll speed up the process of him asking me out.

——

Then

Which four pictures should I use for my JDate profile?  I guess I’ll have to upload the pictures from my new digital camera to my computer to post them on the site.  Or, I guess I can scan some of the other ones I have.  I hope it works.

Now

Which pictures should I use for my OkCupid, Hinge, and Tinder profiles?  Let me check out some pics on Facebook and my phone to see which ones I want to use.  Actually, I think there’s a really good one on Instagram that someone tagged me in!

Side note: I still only recommend posting three to five photos. 

——

Then

Person: How did you two meet?

Couple: Um… well… haha… it’s a long story.  (Look at each other embarrassingly.)

Now

Person: How did you two meet?

Couple (in unison): Online!

The stigma is gone, and online dating is here to stay.  Daily Mail UK predicts that in 20 years, half of all couples will meet online, and this number may rise to 70% by 2040.  If you’re not already playing the online dating game, now’s the time to give it a whirl.  Why not?

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How many deal breakers is it appropriate to have when searching online for a partner?  One, five, fifteen?  There is no magic number, of course, and Patti Stanger of The Millionaire Matchmaker says that five is a good choice… and I agree.  If there’s one thing I know from both my own dating experience and from being a dating coach, though, it’s that 125 is too many!  Where did I get this crazy number, you ask?

A woman recently posted on Tumblr a section of a guy’s profile on OkCupid that I’ll just say was pretty limiting.  And when I say “pretty limiting,” I actually mean ridiculously and obsessively rude and off-putting.  Below is just a small sample of his “do not message me if…” section.  (For the record, OkCupid actually has a section called “You should message me if…”  This means that he actually added this new section to his profile.  Classy.)

After reading the entire list, I counted, and I have 20 of his 125 “don’t message me if” qualities.  Most notable were:

• You consider yourself a happy person.  (Umm… guilty as charged.)
• You wear uncomfortable clothing and/or shoes for the sake of feminine style.  (We all know that women dress for other women!)
• You use the term “foodie.”  (I’m a foodie, all right, and I’m not sorry about it.  I’m just well fed.)

Even if I did fit everything (which I’m pretty sure no one possibly could), I would be so turned off by the negativity that I wouldn’t want to date him anyway.  A question I would pose to him is this: Why do most of these things matter to you?

In talking with Sarah Gooding, the resident Dating Coach at PlentyOfFish, she and I agreed that one should create and live by a few key dating deal breakers.  Most singles have established certain rules when it comes to dating, but they don’t know that they may have too many unnecessary deal breakers that are preventing them from finding a great relationship.  To ensure the right person isn’t being overlooked, let’s look at these five dating deal breaker rules, courtesy of Sarah and elaborated on by yours truly:

1. Deal breakers should be qualities, values, or beliefs that won’t change.

A lot of clients have said things to me like, “I can’t date him.  He’s between jobs.”  Does this mean he can’t get a job in the future?  Of course not!  Income can change; employment status can change; ambition probably can’t. 

2. Create no more than five deal breakers/must haves.

Sit down and really think about what’s important to you.  Maybe it’s religious beliefs or level of education.  Stick to your guns on those things, but beyond that, explore.  As an exercise, picture that perfect person with or without each “deal breaker” and see if it matters.  If not, then it’s time to reevaluate your list.

3. Do not mention your deal breakers in the text of your online dating profile.

Most online dating sites have many check-box questions, such as age, religion, children, etc.  This is where the deal breakers will come out.  If you want kids, then check that box accurately.  No need to then state, “Don’t write to me if you don’t want to have children.”

4. Don’t use your previous relationship to create future deal breakers.

It’s easy after a relationship ends to want to find the exact opposite type of person, isn’t it?  We go through all of the things we loathed about our ex and list those as our new deal breakers.  I encourage everyone not to do this because 1) it comes off as fairly bitter and 2) there must have been some good quality in that person if you dated in the first place.  Using what you learned from your last relationship, make your list, but don’t make it solely based on what didn’t work the last time.

Also, as a side note, everything that may be a trait that you don’t want in a partner can likely be turned into a trait that you do want.  For example:

Negative: I’m not looking for players or serial daters.

Positive: I’m looking for someone who is ready for a committed relationship.

5. Be open-minded if someone meets all of your criteria.  However, if he or she doesn’t, decide if it’s worth giving it a shot.

If someone meets all of the criteria you’ve set for yourself, then it can’t hurt to give it a try.  On the one hand, perfect on paper doesn’t equal perfect in real life, so you’ll still have to assess chemistry, but at least you’ll know that you’re off to a good start.  On the other hand, if you know that someone has one of your deal breakers (let’s say religion), then perhaps it’s best not to “try that person on” if you know in the long run it’s not something you can live with.

Remember that in the end, what’s often the most important is how someone treats you.  Is he or she kind, generous, and giving?  How about trustworthy and honest?  That’s what matters in life.

A final note to the guy on OkCupid:

I wear yoga pants when I’m not engaging in yoga (I may or may not be wearing them right now), and I have participated in a flash mob.  We are obviously not meant to be.

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