It’s funny how many people reference The Golden Rule in their online dating profiles: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Okay, perhaps not too many people reference it on JDate or JSwipe considering it’s often claimed by Christianity (though similar phrases do appear in the Torah—The Book of Leviticus, to be exact). But the sentiment is still there. Treat people with the respect with which you want to be treated. Period.

So why is it that, especially in the world of technology, people often don’t practice what they preach? At least once a month, a client tells me that he or she was stood up. Not cancelled on at the last minute (this is more like an everyday occurrence), but actually stood up. I even got this email recently from Emily, the associate writer who works for me, who is in her mid- to late-20s:

“A couple issues that my single/dating friends have been talking to me about are related to being stood up. They’ve been connecting with these guys on Tinder who agree to meet up and seem totally into them, and then bail at the very last minute with the WORST excuses (literally one of them was told that the guy couldn’t make it because his parents were coming over to go over their taxes). And others have shown up on dates that have been planned and confirmed… and the date just isn’t there.”

Let’s talk for a minute about how most of us like to be treated:

1. Our time is valuable, so if someone is going to cancel, we would prefer a day’s notice.
2. If there is a last-minute cancellation, we would like there to at least be an apology.
3. If someone changes his or her mind at the last minute about meeting at all, a short and simple explanation would be appropriate.
4. If someone doesn’t like us, we’d like to know rather than being left in the dust wondering if we’ll ever hear from him or her again.

If you’re the one who needs to cancel or otherwise change plans, here are some simple solutions to make sure you’re treating the other person with the respect with which you’d want to be treated:

The day before the date – a nice text or email

“Hey! I am so sorry to do this, but I was just informed of a business dinner I need to attend tomorrow. I wanted to reach out as soon as I heard so I didn’t leave you hanging without plans. Can we reschedule for Monday or Tuesday next week? Again, I really appreciate your understanding.”

The day of, before about 1 PM – a nice text or email early in the day

“Was really looking forward to seeing you tonight! Unfortunately, there’s been a change of plans on my end that I can’t get out of, and I wanted to let you know as soon as I heard. I’m really sorry about that. Can we reschedule for Monday or Tuesday next week? Again, I really appreciate your understanding.”

“Was really looking forward to seeing you tonight! I hate to do this at the 11^th hour, but I recently started seeing someone else, and the more I thought about it, I realized it wouldn’t be fair to him/her to still meet up with you. So sorry to have waited until now. I hope you understand, and I wish you the best!”

The day of, after about 1 PM – a nice call

Yes—a call! Even though it took me a while to adapt to the fact that people “date” over text now (and it is admittedly much more convenient), if you’re cancelling within a few hours of the date, the courteous thing to do is to call. Texting is the easy way out because you don’t have to deal with the repercussions of seeing or hearing someone’s reaction, often disappointment. While I know not everyone will heed this advice, I’d be remiss if I didn’t put it out there.

“Hey Sara. This is Darren from Match.com. I know it’s probably weird that I’m calling, but I wanted to sincerely apologize for having to cancel at the last minute. Something came up that I can’t get out of, and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

I once had to do this to someone. It was 5 PM, and I had a first date at 6:30 PM. I had just received an email from a long-term ex-boyfriend informing me that he was in a new relationship. (Jerk move? I think so.) At any rate, I was in no place to put my best foot forward on a first date, so I called the guy I was meeting from OKC or Tinder (who could remember?), told him I was really sorry (and was actually honest about what happened), and rescheduled for a couple days later. He actually thanked me on the date for handling things so maturely and for calling him. Even though it was the only date we went on, it’s nice to know that I handled it in a way that I can be proud of. And that’s what I want for all of you. Obviously the reasons will differ, but the sentiment is the same.

The day after – a nice text or email

Let’s say you went on a date on Tuesday night. By Wednesday, you already have a text expressing interest in seeing you again.

“Hey Joey. Thanks for a fun time last night! Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel a romantic connection (or insert your preferred synonym: click, connection, spark, etc.) that I was hoping for, but I wish you only the best!”

Just because it feels like you’re incognito on these dating sites doesn’t give you license to deny others the same respect that you’d want to be shown. People are not things. You can’t just throw them away like garbage or treat them as if your time is more valuable than theirs. Just keep this in mind when making, planning, and cancelling dates. Let The Golden Rule live… one date at a time.

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How many times have you said the following to your friends, or have they said something like this to you?

We were talking online, and then he asked for my number to make it easier to schedule the date.  Well, it’s been a week, and all he does is text with no date in sight!

Or…

I don’t know… I guess I pictured him differently in my head from all his texts.

Or, how about this one?

OMG—I love this girl!  We’ve been texting every day, and I’m really falling for her. 

It happens all the time… someone puts his or her phone number down on a dating site or app and says, “Text me” or “Reach out to me.”  Does it really make communicating easier?  Isn’t it just as easy to check your email or your Tinder/JSwipe/Hinge as it is a text?  (Okay, maybe it’s not quite as easy, but still…)  And really, is there a need to text before the date, except to confirm the day before?  (Very important: do this)  My recommendation is simply to exchange numbers a day or two prior to the date so you can 1) confirm and 2) contact each other the day of in case something goes awry (you need to cancel, you’re running late, etc.).  As a side note—and I know I’ve said this before—if you’re cancelling the day of the date, especially if it’s within a few hours of when you’re supposed to meet each other, please do have the decency to call.

Besides the never-ending text relationship that might form with no date in sight, by texting (or emailing) too much before the date, you run the risk of building a false impression of this person that may not equate to what he or she is like in real life.  We often have a tendency to share things behind the screen that we may not reveal to someone in the flesh until much later.  The New York Post even has a name for this—premature escalation.

The article says this: “It’s a trend we’ve coined ‘premature escalation’… since our whole world is so instant now, people can craft entire personas through their slew of texts… by the time you meet your partner for an actual date, you’ve built up this whole image and fantasy in your head of who you think they are, and then they turn out to be totally different.”  Sound familiar?

What’s the solution then?  If you’re intent on texting before a date, then try to keep these texts to a minimum, with the purpose of determining the logistics of the date.  Whitney Casey, a love expert for Match.com agrees: “If your date starts sending you ‘How was your day?’ texts, it’s on you to cut him or her off — nicely.”  Saying something as simple as this should do the trick: “Hey—I’m not really a huge texter, but I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday!”

Now, I’m not saying all texting is bad.  In fact, I love texting!  It’s great when you’re in a relationship to check in with someone during the day or to send a sweet inside joke.  But just as I would never advise anyone to “friend” a potential date on Facebook before the first date, I would strongly advise you to just set up the date and go from there.  The sooner you meet, the sooner you’ll know if there’s chemistry.  And then text away!

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.

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I have an app on my iPhone that tells me the keywords people use to get to my website. When I checked the list of keywords for the last month, the top 10 results (excluding the name of the business) were:

– Text after first date
– Second date ideas
– After first date text
– What to text after first date
– Good second date ideas
– The reasons for a bad date
– Second date protocol
– When to text after first date
– Texting after second date
– After a date who texts first

Notice any trends? I realized that if so many people are typing the words into the little Google box, it was worth an article discussing the etiquette of texting, or textiquette, as it shall now be named. (I thought I was clever for coining that term, but it appears that Urban Dictionary beat me to the punch. Foiled!)

In general, I love a good text. It’s nice to wake up to a “Good morning” or get a thoughtful “Thinking about you :)” in the middle of the day. But where do you draw the line between cute and inappropriate?

The first, and my favorite, use of the text in the early stages of dating is the “thank you” text. If you had a good time on a first date and want to see this person again, send a text either later that night or the next day saying something to the effect of, “Thanks again for a fun time last night!” What are other variations of this, you may ask? The flirty thanks: “Thanks again for a great time last night. Too bad we had to go to work today. ;)” The suggesting-the-second-date thanks: “Thanks again for a great time last night. Next time the ice cream’s on me. :)” Especially for women, if a guy paid for the date (and on the first date, he should – blog post on this to come later), he’ll appreciate another thank you, either over text or e-mail. The “thank you” text advice goes for both men and women – why not remind your date of you the next day? Assuming your date had a great time too, it’ll put a smile on his or her face.

Some other appropriate ways to use texts:
– Middle of the day flirt
– Good morning/Good night/Can’t wait to see you
– One random, funny thing
– Running late/parking

And the inappropriate ways to use texts:
– Canceling a date (Never do this. If you have the phone number, have the courtesy to call.)
– Having a conversation (It’s too much for a text.)
– Asking someone out (In order of preference, it’s phone, then e-mail, then text.)
– Breaking up with someone (This is such a no-no, I don’t even want to discuss it; although, for Sex and the City fans, I guess it’s better than a Post-it note.)

And that does it. Happy texting!

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

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