There’s an important period in a relationship that’s often overlooked in online dating: the point between finding an interesting profile and actually meeting in person. While there is an art to crafting an interesting opening message — although anything more exciting than “Hey” or “How’s it going?” will often suffice — keeping the conversation going can often be a challenge.

Recently on Reddit, the online forum where people can anonymously chat about practically anything, someone posed a great question: “What kills your attraction in the ‘talking’ phase?”

Some of the responses were:

“Not talking enough. The entire point of a date is to get to know each other which is pretty hard if I may as well be talking to a brick wall.”

“When they’re incapable of making full conversations. People who constantly ask hru/wyd again and again make me lose interest VERY fast.” (Text speak be gone!)

“Not asking me questions. It shows me they’re not genuinely interested in getting to know me. I ask questions. I like it when it’s more conversational.”

“If I’m putting in more effort than the person to keep the conversation going. Especially if I always have to initiate or say, ‘Hi’ first.”

“Mind games. What I loved about my husband is he didn’t care how much he texted or called, just because he enjoyed talking to me and wasn’t afraid to show it.”

Five different answers that make different points but come to very similar conclusions: it’s all about putting effort into the conversation.

While online dating, it’s expected that you may be talking to multiple people at once, getting to know each other and seeing if meeting for a date is in the cards. However, the same conversation won’t work for each of the people you’re texting with. You have to give each person special attention, asking information based on each profile or pictures that show you paid attention… and you’re not confusing this person with another potential match.

The other consistent feeling is that no one wants to carry the whole conversation on their shoulders. Make sure you’re starting the conversation at least half of the time, showing that the chat is not one sided and you’re interested in actually getting to know the other person better. Man or woman, everyone loves to see a text or email come in from someone they’re interested in — and not worry about if they have been ghosted.

Some other turn-offs listed on the Reddit thread included “being boring or being negative” and talking poorly about an ex — both completely understandable objections. After all, if someone you are just getting to know can’t be excited to get to know you, how can you ever build a meaningful relationship? The lesson here is simple: stay positive.

Another person replied that a turn-off was “taking way too long to actually meet after weeks of texting/calls.” You can only get to know a person so much without physically being together, so why wait? (Or these days, at least a video call.) If you’re excited about messaging someone, don’t wait too long before asking them out on a date.

Of course, the “talking phase” has been extended for many potential couples due to coronavirus. While not being able to go on an in-person meetup provides a great chance to communicate and get to know each other without worrying about what to wear on your first date, there’s a challenge in keeping that chat interesting. As the dating scene returns to normal, just remember the basics: be interested, stay positive, and don’t go into a deep dive (or even a shallow one) on your ex.

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Have you heard the expression “hookup culture” recently?  Our friend and foe Wikipedia defines “hookup culture” as a culture that accepts and encourages casual sexual encounters, focusing on immediate pleasure rather than long-term commitment.  This is not a new phenomenon by any means.  The American Psychological Association (APA) says that hookups became more frequent in the 1920s, believe it or not, when more people were driving cars and going to movie theaters (aka getting out of their parents’ houses).  Then, in the 1960s, with feminism on the rise and more people sexually liberated, it became even more acceptable.  The APA says, and I agree, that today’s hookup culture represents a marked shift in openness and acceptance of uncommitted sex.  I know that I, for one, can’t say I know anyone who is waiting until marriage to have sex.  Do you?

Why am I giving a history of hookup culture, you may be wondering?  I want to look at today’s trends as it relates to the dating apps that now exist.

This past August, a Vanity Fair article came out, claiming that Tinder (owned by the same company as Match and OurTime, The Match Group) and apps like it are starting what they call a “Dating Apocalypse.”  The article contends that in today’s society, many people, especially millennials, are moving toward this hookup culture that I’ve been talking about, where everything is determined by instant gratification.  The article goes on to say that the people they profiled—twenty-somethings in New York City—are even going as far as using the app as a game to see just how many people they can sleep with in any given period of time.  It goes on to say that the art of dating is solely becoming extinct, much like the cassette tape and the rotary phone.

As an online dating coach, I am asked by people all the time, “Are dating apps just for hooking up?”  My answer is always the same: Yes … if you both hook up.  (Just for the record, I hate the expression “hook up.”  I think it sounds classless, but, just like most of us, I have to adapt to the times, too.)  Any site can be used for anything you’re looking for.  Do more people “hook up” on JSwipe (JDate’s Tinder-eqsue app that it acquired for $7 million last year) than on Elite Singles?  Probably.  Do some people troll the “serious” dating sites looking for a one-night stand?  Sure.  And do some people find meaningful, lasting relationships from an app like the one discussed in the Vanity Fair article? You bet.

As for the point the article made about the world becoming a place of casual relationships, I’ll just say that you get what you allow.  If you’re looking for a serious relationship, but you allow someone into your life in a physical-only capacity, then that’s what you get.  If you instead hold out for someone who is also looking for the commitment you are, then you’ll get that instead.

There are, of course, some benefits to using the dating apps:

They’re efficient.  When you match with someone, you could meet that person within hours, or even minutes, depending on how close you are.  Chemistry is the wild card that is either there or not, so meeting face-to-face in a timely fashion is one of the keys to online dating.  Also, because of a very granular GPS system, the apps allow you to find people in your vicinity whose paths you might not have crossed.  Some dating services target a radius within your ZIP code, which also locates people you might not meet otherwise but within a much larger area.  Lastly, they’re easy to set up and free.  With a few clicks and a Facebook account, you can make a profile.

As for whether you should use Tinder or any other app to find a date, that’s up to you.  I contend that people should use any resources available to them.  Don’t NOT use something because of its reputation.  But, if you want to ensure that other people have some skin in the game, in the form of a monthly payment, then the “traditional” online dating sites like Match.com, eHarmony, JDate, Christian Mingle, and those similar are still your best bet.

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