Question:

Dear Erika:

I am frustrated.  It seems like no one is even reading the online dating profile I put out there.  Men are emailing me from all over the country even though I explicitly stated only looking within 50 miles, and they are just not of the caliber I want.  I’m thinking about adding a list of things in my profile that I don’t want, like someone who makes less than I do, someone who’s not Christian, someone shorter than I am, someone missing his teeth.  (I wish I didn’t have to say that one, but sadly, I do.)  Do you think that’s a good idea?  Please help.  I want to just quit.

Sharon, 52, Houston, TX

Answer:

Sharon,

The problem you state—men not reading your profile—is a problem that, unfortunately, many women (and men, for that matter) have, regardless of religion or anything else that may be a deal-breaker for you.  There is really no way to avoid this.

To answer your question, though, I never recommend putting things you do not want in your profile because it sounds very negative and bitter.  For example, saying something like, “I want someone who doesn’t make less than I do” reads to people, “She’s a gold-digger… or she had a bad experience with men mooching off of her in the past.”  Most people will pass you by because of the negativity.  I do, however, recommend putting what you do want in your profile, such as someone intelligent and driven.

I can’t deny that many men are more focused on the photos than the profile.  In fact, Tobii Technology, an eye-tracking and interactive gaze technology, in partnership with AnswerLab, a user experience research firm, conducted a study in 2012 tracking the eye movements of men versus women when looking at online dating profiles.  There were only 39 participants, not nearly enough to be statistically significant, but the results showed that women spent an average of 84 seconds evaluating a profile, while men spent an average of 58 seconds overall.  Men tend to focus on the profile photo, and in some instances, men spent as much as 65 percent more of their time than women looking at the profile photos.  So, you’re not imagining that your profile is sometimes getting overlooked.

That said, to ensure that men who fit your criteria are noticing you, you’ll have to do your own search and reach out to them.  I encourage both men and women to both search and message people of interest.  I know some women question this, thinking that it makes them appear desperate or aggressive.  It makes you appear neither of those things, but rather proactive and confident.  What we cannot control is who emails you.  There is no barrier to emailing you, so why wouldn’t someone?  Just considering it flattering—even if he has no teeth—and then you can delete the emails from those who are clearly not the right fit and focus on those who are.

It’s still online dating, so it’ll have its fair share of awkwardness, frustration, and fatigue (whether online or not, dating can get tiring), but it also has those moments of excitement, nervousness, and anticipation.  As hard as it may be, try not to let the less-than-stellar men who email you guide your whole opinion of online dating.  You can’t blame them for emailing an attractive woman like yourself!  It’s only when you put forth the effort to use online dating to its full advantage—reaching out to people of interest and starting conversations—that you can fully reap the benefits.  Just as I tell people not to let one bad date cloud their whole opinion of a dating site, I’ll say the same for a few creepy emails.  Let it roll off, and then try again.  In other words, don’t quit!  You’ll be on some great dates in no time.

Chin up,

Erika

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In almost every aspect of life, we go after the things we want. Not thrilled with your job? Get your resume together and search for a new one. Some recent weight gain before swimsuit season upsetting you? Hire a trainer or up the ante during your workouts. Why is it, then, that in dating, many of us think happiness will simply find us versus the other way around? It’s as if we think we have a sign on our foreheads flashing, “Single and ready to mingle.” Unfortunately, that’s just not how it works. In online dating, writing a great profile is only half the battle. To really be successful, you have to be proactive and email people who interest you.

First of all, when searching for a potential partner, it’s important to keep a few things in mind:
1. Try not to be too picky upfront. In the long run, will it really matter if someone is 5’8 vs. 5’9?
2. Update your search periodically to include new people. Maybe Mr. or Ms. Right lives just five miles outside of your search radius.
3. Change how you sort your matches. Try sorting by newest members first, people last online, age, people closest to you, etc.

Now that you’ve found some potential matches, it’s time to send that email. And women, it’s important for you to email potential matches, too. Many women think that making the first move might make them lose the upper hand at the get-go or seem less feminine. Not true. Again, we need to go for what we want in life, and it starts here. Also, many people don’t take point number 2 above to heart, and their search criteria may not catch you. So if you don’t send the first email, that perfect match you’ve noticed may never find you. Plus, what guy wouldn’t be flattered by an email?!

As for what to include in the email, it’s actually pretty simple:
1. Something about his/her profile that caught your attention;
2. Something about you and how it relates to him/her; and
3. A question (to end the email).

In terms of length, a few sentences are enough to get the ball rolling. No one wants to read your novel after a long day of work. And no form letters! It’s very clear when people copy and paste the same email from person to person. That’s a surefire way to get zero responses. Also, humor and proper grammar go further than you might think.

Now that we know the rules, let’s look at three of sample emails that work:

That picture of you with your camera definitely caught my attention. Believe it or not, I think you’ve met your match – I have an addiction to photography, too. (Could be worse things to be addicted to!) I generally do portraits, but I recently took some pictures in Napa, which was really fun. How long have you been doing photography?

And on a different note, how’s that quest for finding the best store-bought marinara sauce coming along? You must eat a lot of pasta!

Best,
Amelia

I couldn’t resist writing to a woman who says she likes to drink scotch. A rare and precious find.

I also wanted to welcome you to DC! What do you think so far? We may not have the architecture that Chicago does (or the shopping), but I do think it’s a pretty great place to live. I assume you’ve taken one of those architecture boat cruises, right? We have paddle boating in the Tidal Basin… just the same, right?

Justin

I have to ask about your line, “Love women who love words.” Are we talking women with a big vocabulary? Just curious. Regardless, I like words. In fact, I use them daily.

Since you seem to be into good food as much as I am (not a small feat), what are some of your favorite places in the area?

~ Cynthia

In the end, you can’t win the lottery unless you play, so you might as well try your hand at the lottery of love to see what it has in store. Now, go forth and email!

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