First, there’s a small problem here. While, yes, everyone has a “type,” I would not recommend being so narrow as to only look for who you think you want to be with. Someone may very well surprise you who is outside your normal realm of preferences. But there’s a bigger problem…

Here’s the issue with wanting to write to attract a certain type of person — we have no idea what that person is actually looking for!

I got this email the other day from a client:

“It just occurred to me that the last woman I dated was interested in my scuba diving picture from the beginning. It was the first thing she asked about, and we initially bonded over our shared experience in water adventures.

I’m looking for a woman who is as physically adventurous as I am, which means I’d like her to be comfortable with the risk level of scuba diving even if she’s not interested in that particular activity. (Though I haven’t been diving in probably six years.) Would you feel comfortable asking some of your single female friends if they think it’s a good fit for the profile?”

I’ve certainly never gotten that request before! But here’s the thing: No singular response is representative of “the type of woman” he’s looking for. I replied very simply, below:

“Thanks for asking! Here’s what I will ask you: Is scuba diving a representative part of your life? If yes, then we should include it. If not, then we shouldn’t. We could ask 10 women and get five for it and five against it, so what really matters is how well it gets to who you are.”

Swap scuba diving for anything, and the same is true. Your profile should represent who you are, not try to game the system into attracting someone in particular. Because whatever we think that person wants, we’re probably wrong. So just be yourself! The people who are attracted to you are the ones who like you for you, not because you tried to fit yourself into some mold.

To drive the point home, let’s look again at my first example: The target man in his 60s, well-educated, has grown kids, and lives in New York City. You might think, “Well, he probably wants someone also well-educated, so I should play up the fact that I have a PhD. And he likely wants someone who lives in the city, so I’ll mention that I’m in the East Village. And I’m guessing he likes someone with a more serious side, so I’ll be sure to show a photo of me doing something important.” Yes, someone may want this persona, but in reality, this man may instead want a woman who is nurturing, lives in the suburbs, and has a passion for dancing. The point is that we just don’t know.

So just be yourself. Make sure your profile and photos represent who you are today, not an aspirational you or a you who wants to fit into someone else’s mold. Trust me – if you’re 100% authentic, you won’t regret it.

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So many people come to me asking why Bumble (or insert your favorite online dating app) “isn’t working.” What does “working” mean anyway? Some people think it means they should end up in a long-term relationship. While that’s a lovely goal, a dating app is simply the tool you’re using to get to the first date. Then the ball is in your court. “Working,” to me, means that you’re getting more attention, you’re getting more right swipes and matches, and you’re converting more messages into dates.

Are you perhaps doing something that’s not aligned to make the dating app “work” for you? Let’s look at the 6 biggest mistakes you may be making… and how to fix them:

1. Too many photos

Tinder allows nine photos. Bumble allows six. I recommend using five instead. Less is more. Don’t let someone find the one they don’t like and swipe left because of it. (Hinge is the only app that requires six photos. Keep in mind that one can be a short video, which is encouraged. Not “Hello, I’m Erika” but rather a video showing you doing something interesting. I once used one of me at trapeze class, which worked well because it generated conversation… and questions of whether I was planning to join the circus.)

2. No profile

Write something. Something is (usually) better than nothing. A length of 20 to 40 words is what I recommend. The short length is because people have shorter and shorter attention spans, and you don’t want them to skip you just because they don’t want to take time to read what you wrote. Ideas for the profile: Things you’re good at, things you like, where you’re from, shows you’re binge-watching, a few pieces of factual information, etc. Anything interesting provides “message bait,” or something to write to you about.

3. Connecting to Snapchat, Instagram, or Spotify

This is TMI! Don’t give people the chance to dig through everything and dismiss you because of it. Don’t connect.

4. Shirtless selfies and gym selfies

If you’re a man looking for a woman, do not—I repeat DO NOT—post shirtless or gym selfies. Ever. Even if you’re ripped. Trust me. Fish pictures are often no better. If you’re trying to show that you live a healthy lifestyle, then people will still be able to tell by how you look… outside the gym. Most women automatically swipe left on gym shots.

5. Being too generic

Don’t try to appeal to everyone. Rather, be yourself, and the right people will be interested.

Here are some samples of dating app profiles that WORK:

Entrepreneur, NYT crossword puzzler, ramen enthusiast; lover of quick wit, single-malt scotch, and my dog. Where’s the best old fashioned in town?

Thoughtful weirdos to the front, please. Tell me what you’re reading. Bonus points if the answer is yes to this important question: Do you like blue cheese?

English teacher turned urban planner. Drinker of chai over coffee. Fan of live indie music. Endearingly nerdy history buff. Talented at a good number of things, but whistling isn’t one of them. 

I used to design submarines. Then one stormy night I met my right brain. We shared some laughs, fell in love, and I became a professional screenwriter… I’m open-minded, stable, fit, and kind. Usually chill unless in a dance battle.

Final tip on the profile as a bonus: End with a question. You’ve just made it so much easier for people to have something to say in their first message to you.

6. Sending boring messages

When it comes to messages, the key is to be short, sweet, and ask a question. If the other person has written something interesting, then you simply need to ask about it. But, what if there is no message bait?

Just remember that anything is better than “Hey,” “What’s up?” or “How’s your day?” These lead to banal conversations… or none at all. Examples for when someone provides no bait:

1. If you had nothing to do today, would you rather binge-watch something or go for a hike… or both?
2. Best place for [insert favorite food or drink] in the city?
3. Early bird or night owl? Just curious.

Let the dating apps work for you. Fix these six problems today. You should see a difference immediately.

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Depending on how long you’ve been on an online dating site, you can probably relate to that déjà-vu feeling you get when it feels like you’re reading the same profile over and over again.  Somehow, everyone is apparently wearing both little black dresses and flip flops, taking trips to Machu Picchu (did I miss a Groupon or something?), or simply “relaxing with Netflix and a glass of wine.”  Considering that it’s impossible for any of us to be exact physical replicas, why is it that every profile seems to use the same clichés as the last one?  Let’s examine 10 Phrases You Should Delete from Your Online Dating Profile:

1. I’m just as comfortable in a fancy dress (or tux for you gentlemen) as I am in jeans and flip flops.

This line is an attempt to show that you’re flexible and multi-faceted.  We get the message.  Most of us have a varied wardrobe.  Rather than discuss your clothing preferences, why don’t you talk about the things you like to do?  We can learn a lot more about you if you mention that you prefer a football game over a visit to an art gallery, regardless of what you’re hypothetically wearing.

2. I like to laugh and have fun.

My goodness… I hope you like to laugh and have fun!  The point is that, unless you like to frown and mope around all day (which I also wouldn’t write), this line could be true for just about anyone.

3. I can’t believe I’m actually on here.

This is a negative commentary on online dating.  Others might interpret this as, “I can’t believe I’ve fallen this low.  Only losers look for dates online, so I guess I’m a loser, too.”  Online dating is a wonderful thing.  Either embrace it or refrain from joining an online dating site until you can have a more positive attitude about it.

4. I love traveling.

Again, there are few people who don’t love to travel.  Instead, tell us more.  Do you like to take active road trips across the United States, or do you prefer to lounge on the beach in Cancun?  These details say a lot more about you than a generic statement about travel.

5. On a typical Friday night, I’m just as happy going out on the town as I am curled up on the couch with wine and a movie.

My response to this is similar to the one for the fancy dress/jeans conundrum, with this added advice: Stop trying to attract everyone.  While it may seem counterintuitive, I’m giving you explicit permission to turn some people off in your profile.  Think about it—it’s more important to be the genuine you than the version you think people want to see, or the version that tries to attract every single person on the site.  Just be yourself.  That way, you know that when someone is interested, it’s because he or she likes what you have to say, not just the fact that you were trying to be inclusive.

6. My family and friends are important to me.

Another shocker!  There’s no need to spell this one out because people already assume that family and friends are important to you, not the contrary.

7. My friends say that I’m… (insert a list of complimentary adjectives).

Of course your friends would say all of these great things about you—they’re already your friends!  This could also be construed as a way of trying to appear humble, which can backfire in two ways: 1) it can make you appear insecure (do you not think these things about yourself?) or 2) it still sounds like you’re bragging.

Naturally, this brings me to an important point about “empty adjectives.”  An empty adjective is a descriptor that can’t be proven until someone gets to know you.  For example, I might say that I’m funny, but how would you confirm if that’s true?  Maybe some people find me hilarious (usually the ones who love puns and wordplay), but others aren’t amused.

8. I’m down-to-earth.

I would love to see a profile that says, “I’m kind of an airhead… but a sweet one.”  This is very subjective, which again characterizes it as an empty adjective.

9. I love life.

Just like #2, I hope you love life!  Remember, just because you don’t use the line “I love life” in your profile, does not mean that you hate life instead.  It simply gives you space to share the more interesting things that do make your life so great.

10. I’m looking for a partner in crime.

Unless your name is Bonnie or Clyde, there’s no reason to include this overused cliché.

Now’s your chance: Take some time to review your profile, and if you find any of these overused, cliché phrases, it’s time to hit the backspace button, put on your creativity cap, and set yourself apart from the other online dating clones.

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