I Get By With a Little Help From My… Dating Coach

Whenever I start working with new clients, I first ask if they are currently on an online dating site, and, if so, which one(s). I then ask if I can see the profile that they are currently using. Part of the reason I ask is that I want to see their individual writing styles, and the other part is that it gives me a sense of the “before” profile, or that one that’s ostensibly not working the way they want it to.

Today, I’d like to share a few before and after profiles to show what a tweak, or even a whole rewrite, can do for your dating life:

Before (Match.com)

Hi, thanks for reading this. I am divorced and a single Mom to an incredible daughter who lives with me. After a fulfilling corporate career, I now fill my days with family, friends, tennis, working out, and volunteering. I am interested in enjoying the company of a secure, educated, funny, athletic, warm man (close to my age… please) who is emotionally intelligent, available, and financially independent. 

I’m very active, and tend to be partial to a man that is active and athletic. Working out is not an obsession for me, but it is part of my way of life.  Having said that, it doesn’t get in the way of enjoying good meals and a nice wine :).

After

I’m a city girl (NYC and Chicago formerly) who lives on a golf course, an equal opportunity coffee and wine drinker, and a former business owner who loves to volunteer. What may seem like opposites to some people seem like just the right variety to me.

After a fulfilling corporate career, my days are now spent playing tennis, practicing Bikram yoga, and spending time with friends and family.

At this point in my life, I know who I am, and as my friends say, I’m the “softest toughie” they know. I tend to stick to my guns, talk myself out of situations (just ask about the cop and my parking skills), and settle for nothing less than the ultimate goal. Yet, I take ample stops along the way to get to know people, laugh at something my dog does, or just watch a show with my daughter, who uses me as her Snapchat muse.

Before (Bumble)

I’m originally from the South. I love music, animals, and family. Looking for someone who feels the same.

After

Life motto: “Seems fun. How hard could it be?” Bluegrass music-loving news junkie looking for the guac to my tacos. Bonus points if you agree that quoting The Office is a real talent and bread is delicious.

Before (OkCupid)

Hi! I am an optimistic and energetic person and am blessed with two wonderful young adult children. I am an accomplished lawyer and enjoy my career.

Blessed with good health and good genes, I am fit and youthful. I am looking to find someone who is kind, considerate, romantic, attractive, and shares some of my interests, someone to grow with and enjoy this next chapter of my life. Recently divorced after a long marriage (it was mutual and civil), I am looking for joy and laughter.

After

I’m a New York native with some Midwestern values (was there for college and grad school) and a love for my life on the water.

I have a passion for both civil rights and Middle East relations, but when it comes down to it, it’s the people in my life who give me the most joy. I have two grown children (when did that happen?) and a network of friends in different areas of my life, from the tennis court a few times a week to my French-speaking club.

But, when it’s time for some more self-contained reflection, I also enjoy biking, walking, enjoying a game of Scrabble (I know most the two-letter words!), and playing the piano for some low-key (pun intended) activity. 

What did we learn?

The key here is that, while the first profiles are not bad by any means, they are all fairly generic. There isn’t much that sets these people apart. Yet, when adding some playfulness, detail, and personality, the second profiles show who this person really is and give the reader something to grab onto—“message bait”—in order to send a message.

So go forth and edit. Make the profile scream, “This is me!”

The post A Tweak or Rewrite Can Make All the Difference appeared first on .

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not a literature buff.  I vaguely remember reading Romeo & Juliet in high school, but that’s really the extent of my knowledge.  (I did used to think it was interesting that female parts were played by men for a period of time, though.)  At any rate, there is a quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet that I seem to use over and over again when it comes to online dating (and dating in general): “The lady doth protest too much, methinks.”  As our good friend Wikipedia shares, this phrase is often used as a figure of speech to indicate that a person’s overly frequent or vehement attempts to convince others of something have ironically helped to convince others that the complete opposite is true, by making the person look defensive and insincere.  For example, if your vegan friend says seventeen times at brunch, “Of course I don’t care if you want to eat steak and eggs in front of me,” then the number of times he says that often directly correlates to how much he actually does care.

Why the lesson in 17^th century literature, you might ask?  As it relates to dating, people are often very quick to say something about themselves as a defense mechanism, when the reality of it is that without that defense, no one would make the very assumption that this person is denying.

As an example, I was perusing Match.com the other day, searching for women of interest for a client of mine in North Carolina, and I came across this profile below:

“I am a busy person who thinks she is easygoing.  I like to do things like clean and organize but I’m not OCD.  I’m happiest when I’ve tackled a project and then can sit back when I’m done and enjoy the accomplishment.”

Not only is it one of the more boring profiles on the site, but it also says, “I like to do things like clean and organize but I’m not OCD.”  The first thing I immediately think when I read that line is, “This woman is OCD, but she’s trying to hide it… very poorly.”  If you’re not, then don’t call attention to it.  And if you are, just be honest about it.  Either choice is better than the one she made.  “I love coming home to a clean, organized house” would have gotten the same point across without any judgment.

Let’s take a look at another excerpt from a Match.com profile:

“No, I’m not full of myself as I know where I came from and ‘I’m not a player’ and I should say I don’t have time for games or flakes as I have a lot to offer the right woman.  I’m a miner, I’m also a bit of a bad man in a ‘good way’ with a wild side I guess I’m like a M and M a tough hard exterior on the outside soft and sweet on the inside once you get to know me.”

Besides being a very poor writer, this gentleman starts out by making two claims: “I’m not full of myself” and “I’m not a player.”  Most women will read this as, “I’m a player, and I’m full of myself.”

In court, you’re innocent until proven guilty.  It’s the same thing with online dating.  There’s no need to compensate for something that should be considered the baseline, or the innocence, if you will.  Unless told otherwise, the baseline is that you’re honest and nice and everything else good in the world.  You’re starting at 100%.  It’s when you start to refute things that should be the baseline that people will start to question you.

So speak the truth, don’t cover things up, and if you’re tempted to say something in a defensive manner to dispel someone’s thoughts that you’re a certain way, it’s time to think again.  The reader most likely won’t notice until it’s pointed out.

Feel free to leave in the comments section any of these lines that you’ve seen where someone is protesting too much, youthinks.

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