January 15, 2020

I just got off the phone with a potential client. She’s in her mid-60s, lives in Chicago, is accomplished, and wants to find a partner now that she’s been divorced for a number of years. All of this sounds par for the course in terms of my regular clientele. Most people I work with are in the same predicament: divorced or widowed and looking to spend the rest of their lives with a loving partner.

Where the conversation took a turn, though, was when this woman (we’ll call her Susan) said to me, “I hate dating.” When someone makes such a strong comment, I immediately ask why they came to that conclusion. Too often it’s because of one bad experience. People tend to overlook the good and even ‘meh’ experiences when it comes to dating and only remember the negative ones. Such is life.

But her response wasn’t actually about one terrible date, as I thought it would be. Rather, she said, “It’s too time-consuming.” This is something I hear all the time, too. Online dating can often feel like a full-time job, which is often why some clients decide to use my services. I can take the work out of the process for them so that all they have to do is go on the dates.

But that also wasn’t what she was saying. She was saying that going on the dates themselves takes too much time! She went on to say, “I just want to be in a relationship. I hate dating!” Despite my best efforts to hold it in, I let out a little chuckle. I said, “You know every relationship has to start with a first date, right?” “Well, yes.” “And there’s no way to just fast forward to the relationship part without the dating part.”

This is where a lot of people get confused. In their minds, dating is a means to an end, that “end” being the relationship. But I would say that the early stages of dating are the most important part of any eventual relationship. It’s where you get to learn about each other, meet each other’s friends, have a first kiss, and explore the world through someone else’s eyes. And you get to share things about yourself, perhaps things you’ve never shared with anyone else. (And remember dating NATO?)

Yes, being in a relationship can be comfortable… sitting on the couch and watching Netflix with someone special can be the best feeling in the world. But I would never advise anyone to forgo the initial anxieties and butterflies to get to Netflix-watching. You will have missed all of the things that make this other person special. And they won’t know these things about you.

I know that it can feel frustrating to share your story over and over again when you’re dating. But rather than looking at the process like something you have to slog through in order to get to a relationship, try to think of this part instead as necessary building blocks. Without those, any relationship (or building) will fall down. You need a solid base first. And that solid base comes from dating.

As I closed the call with Susan, I told her this: “You’re going to go on some bad dates. I promise you that. You’re also going to go on some great dates. No one can prevent any of that, but it’s a necessary part of the process to get to the outcome you’re looking for.” Think she’ll decide to work with me? Time will tell.

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There was a very popular post written the other day by a blogger named Matt Walsh called, Dear Single Dudes: It’s Time to Man Up.  The gist of his article is that men are often commitment-phobic, and they need to get themselves into gear to stop messing around and to have a serious relationship.  I read the post in its entirety, which I would advise you to do as well, and then I made the following comment:

I have to agree with everything you said in the article, both as a woman and as a dating coach.  But I have to wonder… had I written the exact same thing but coming from a woman’s point of view, would I be tarred and feathered for looking like I’m bitter, or worse, asking for something that shouldn’t be asked? Just a thought… I totally agree with all of your sentiments, though, and these are ones I preach to my clients all the time.

This brings us to the question: Whose responsibility is it to “(wo)man up?”  I dare to say the responsibility lies in both camps.  It’s true—almost every woman I know, whether a client or a friend, whether 25 years old or 65 years old, wants much of what the article says.  In particular, she wants a partner who is decisive, proactive, commitment-minded, future-oriented, and ready to discuss hard topics.  Very few women want the man-boy who calls it “hanging out” or “talking” rather than “dating.”  The best advice I could give to any man is to be clear about what your intentions are up front.  If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then say so.  And if you’re not, then make that clear as well… half of the people on Tinder do!  I know we live in a “hook-up” society, in part due to technology and the ease with which we now plan our rendezvous, but the best thing you can do is to be honest and let her have the choice as to whether to stick around or not.

Now, for the ladies…

I hear complaints like this all the time:

“He won’t pick up the phone to call me.  I am so sick of texting!”

“He only contacts me once a week.  What’s up with that?”

“Why can’t he ask me before Friday if I’m free this weekend?”

All of these are, of course, valid questions and concerns.  But what’s not valid is not saying anything about them to the person you’re dating!  As much as we want them to be, people are not mind readers.  Even if we think we’re being as clear as a freshly washed glass door (I use this as an example because I walked into one recently—oops), we often dance around things that bother us until the other person figures them out… which rarely happens.  This leads to the demise of many a relationship, when often simply talking it through would resolve the problem.

Let’s take the example of texting.  In this day and age, the default is to text.  Running late?  Send a text.  Curious to know what someone’s up to later?  Send a text.  Ask someone out on a second date?  You guessed it.  I pose this question: If this overuse of texting bothers you, what do you do about it?  Too often, the answer is nothing.  If you allow the texting to go on by answering all the time and not mentioning that you would prefer a phone call, then your date/partner assumes that it’s okay.  In fact, very recently, a 54-year-old female client called me to ask what to do about a guy from Match.com who has been texting her since asking for her phone number.  She said, “He must be lazy!  Should I just ignore him?”  My response was, “Write him back saying, ‘Why don’t you give me a ring, and we’ll schedule a time to meet.’”

In life, many people end up being passive-aggressive or unclear when trying to get a message across.  The act of having a real, honest conversation about something that’s bothering you is a lost art, but it’s the foundation of a good relationship.  Rather than having little things, like the frustration with texting, add up until you can’t take it anymore, instead, you can ask yourself, “Have I mentioned that I would prefer a call sometimes?”  If the answer is no, then before you break up (likely via text, given the circumstances), have a conversation about your different communication styles, and try to find a middle ground.

Now, let’s get back to the bigger issue at hand.  Let’s say someone new in your life is not “manning up,” as Matt’s article suggests.  Try this on for size: Ask what he’s looking for.  If the answer is not to your liking, then it’s time to cut the ties before you get too invested.  Remember that you get what you allow, so by allowing the “problem” to go on, you’re sending the message that it’s not a problem at all.  It would be nice if, as women, we never had to pine for more, but as we know, that rarely happens.  If he’s not “manning up,” it’s time to speak up!  And if you then find out that he’s not ready for the serious relationship that you are, and your nudge doesn’t push him in that direction, then it’s time to take stock of what you want and go out there to find it.

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