Not that I take Urban Dictionary as gospel (I’d have some problems if I did!), but when it comes to the definition of “dating,” the usually off-color site does a surprisingly good job of defining the word. The first definition on the site says that dating is, “… To be in the early stages of a relationship where [you] go out on dates to find out what each other is like, as a prelude to actually being a fully-fledged couple.” Notice that the definition isn’t “going out once to determine if this person will be your soul mate.” This is where many people get confused.

Clients and friends ask me all the time whether they should go on a second date since they’re not sure whether they were really into the other person (either for personality or physical attraction reasons) after the first date. They reason that they don’t want to lead the other person on, making him or her think that this might be the beginning of a relationship when, in fact, the next date would be “just to see” if there’s any potential there.

While in theory this makes sense, I argue that the whole point of dating is to get to know people to see if you want to start a relationship with them! The definition above even states that people date “to find out what each other is like.” It’s often the case that we’re not sure how we feel after a first date. Of course, it’s sometimes clear that you have a major spark, or alternately, that you can’t stand the other person. (The guy I once went out with who literally sulked – yes, literally – when I beat him at ping pong certainly made the decision easy for me.) It’s often too hard after just one date (which is likely only an hour or so long) to decide if this person drinking a Jack and diet across from you will ultimately be the mother or father of your children! My point: It’s okay to see someone again just to see whether he or she is a good fit. You’re not leading someone on – you’re just dating!

I know I’ve told this story before, but back in 2005, I went on a first date with someone I met at kickball. (My team name, you ask? Kick it up a Notch… Bam!) I consider myself to be an engaging person who can talk to just about anyone, but there were silences… awkward ones. When the date came to a close, I thought to myself, “Nice enough guy, but I don’t think I’m into him.”

The next day, I sent a “thank you” email (which I do recommend — over email or text — if you’re interested, and in this case, I erred on the side of being nice). From that email, we actually started a pretty darn witty banter. And then he asked me out again. What was a girl to do? While I didn’t have a great time on the date, this guy seemed interested. I knew he could at least communicate in written form, and, well, I was free the night he asked. I figured it couldn’t hurt “just to see.”

Long story short: We dated for a year and a half. It’s more than okay not to know after the first date how you feel. Remember, you don’t have to make life-altering decisions after date #1, like what kind of wedding china you’re going to get. Simply ask yourself this question: Do I want to have another conversation with this person to get to know him/her? If the answer might be yes (or even if you’re not sure), you have nothing to lose by giving it another shot. It’s just dating, after all.

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If you know me at all, you know I’m a happy person. Like, sunshine and rainbows happy. Lollipops and daffodils happy. Springtime and gumdrops happy. And I’m an eternal optimist, truly believing that the glass is half full (maybe with a nice cabernet?) and that everything happens for a reason. But sometimes, just sometimes, I know that I can’t have too high expectations of people or situations because I may inevitably be disappointed.

Jeremy taught me a lesson very early on in our relationship: It’s better to be a “PSP” than a “DO.” What the heck does that mean? A PSP is a “pleasantly surprised pessimist,” and a DO is a “disappointed optimist.” My first date with Jeremy was on a Friday night. (I generally don’t recommend weekend evenings for a first online date, but it was the only night we both had available that week.) The next day, he e-mailed me to ask when I was free to go out again (yay!), and I suggested the following Tuesday. In his response, he asked if he was getting demoted, going from a Friday to a Tuesday. My response back was that it was actually a promotion – I was giving him two dates in one week! He explained that he was hoping that was the case, but he’d kept his expectations low so as not to be disappointed. The lesson: It doesn’t hurt to go into new situations with no expectations because things can only go up. If you go in thinking that everything will be rosy, you’re setting yourself up to be let down. As optimistic as I am about life, I know that it was an important lesson to learn.

This lesson carries over to many aspects of dating:

• Signing up for an online dating site for the first time. Remember, finding the love of your life takes time (and work), and Rome wasn’t built in a day.
• Going on a first date. While you always hope that each one may be your last first date, just go in looking for great conversation and some things in common.
• Going to a social event. It’s ok if your future spouse doesn’t sweep you off your feet at the event. Just go to have a good time and meet some new people.
• Going to a wedding. I know they say weddings are a great place to meet people, and one of my best friends actually moved cross-country to be with a wonderful man she met at a wedding, but it rarely works out that way. If you’re going to a wedding solo, just enjoy the event, stuff your face with hors d’oeuvres, and partake heavily in the open bar if you so choose (but remember that too much may scare away that stud or studette sitting across from you at the singles table).

I’m a firm believer in looking at the bright side of things. But do so with caution: In new situations, I’d rather be a PSP than a DO.

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

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June 30, 2011

Now that Facebook has basically taken over the world, it’s hard to know the appropriate “friending” etiquette as it relates to the dating scene. I get this question all the time – “Should I friend someone after the first date if it went well?” The short and sweet of it is… no no no!

When it comes to post-date protocol, there are some choices to make for contacting your date again. Let’s break them down into four categories:
1) Texting
2) Facebook
3) Physical stuff
4) Second date and beyond

Let’s start with texting:
Who doesn’t like a nice, playful text every now and then? If you had a nice time on the date (men and women), it is perfectly acceptable to send a text that night or the next day saying, “Thanks again – I had a great time.” Assuming your date did too, it’ll put a smile on his or her face. Extra points!

Now onto the big one – Facebook:
I can’t say this strongly enough… Unless you’re already friends, do not friend your date on Facebook after the first time out together. The last thing you want is to come home from a great date and see all of his pictures with other women or her pictures with other men. No good can come of that. There’s something to be said for leaving some mystery.

Moving on to the physical stuff:
Whether or not to have that first date kiss is up to you. I say if you’re feeling it, go for it, but that’s a personal choice. Now, I’m not one to kiss and tell, so I won’t say whether Jeremy and I kissed on our first date, but as a random side note, as Jeremy was putting me in a cab to go home at the end of the night, some guy on the street yelled, “Take her home!” I never told Jeremy that I heard the guy until recently, so we both had a good laugh over it. Speaking of “taking her home,” I know this may make me seem like an old fuddy-duddy, but under no circumstances should there be anything that rhymes with rex on the first date, unless that’s the name of someone’s dog. If you do that, your whole relationship will be based on it, and that doesn’t lead to a solid foundation.

Finally, let’s discuss the second date and beyond:
We’re not 22 anymore. If you had a good time and want to go out again, it’s ok to – gasp! – tell him/her. No one’s getting any younger, so do what makes you happy. No need to wait three days to make the call. (And please call rather than text. An e-mail is ok, but a call is better.) Just don’t get so excited that you see each other every night of the week the first week and burn the relationship out too quickly. Again, there’s something to be said for leaving some mystery. And when you do go on that second date, feel free to take a peek at these date ideas.

And that’s the scoop!

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March 30, 2011

I have been on some bad dates, some less “bad” than others, of course.  Back in 2005, I went on a first date to a Mexican restaurant in D.C. for dinner. (To come in a later blog post – why drinks are a better first date than dinner.) At any rate, my date was, how shall I put this… B-O-R-I-N-G.  I consider myself a fun, spunky person who can talk to just about anyone about just about anything.  But there were silences, and awkward ones at that.  As I chomped away on my fajitas, I was planning in my head what I would say for the next at least half an hour.  Finally, the date came to a close.  I thought to myself, “Nice enough guy, but that’s it.”

The next day, in usual Erika-style, I still sent my generic “thank you” e-mail.  He did pay for my meal, after all.  And he wrote back a few niceties about how he had a good time.  I figured this would be the end of our communication.  But then, lo and behold, he wrote something funny at the end of his e-mail, and I thought to myself, “Hmm… this guy wasn’t funny at all on our date.  Interesting.”  And so, the e-mails continued, and they became wittier as the hours passed.  And then they got pretty darn cute.  Until he asked me out again.  What was a girl to do?  While I didn’t have a good time on the date, this guy seemed interested, I knew he could at least communicate in written form, and well, I was free the night he asked.  Oh, and I love baseball.  (He asked me to go to a Nationals game with himself and some friends.)  Why not?

The day of the second date rolled around, and I remember sitting at my apartment complex’s pool studying for the GMAT with a friend.  I kept telling her that I was not looking forward to this date.  So, the hours passed before the date.  I finally decided to get ready, and off I went… We met in the metro, and he wasn’t as bad as I remembered.  In fact, he was kind of cute.  When we got to the game, his friends were really friendly and inclusive of me.  Two points.  And then… against all odds… this guy was funny!  It was as if I was on a date with someone else.  We had a great night and even went out for drinks after the game.  I liked this guy.

I found out many months later that he was nervous – very nervous – on the first date.  We ended up dating for a year and a half.  While he wasn’t the right guy for me in the end, I was so glad I went out on the second date, hence the Rule of Two.  Many people get nervous, or as I used to affectionately call myself on dates where I was trying to impress someone, “Weird Erika.”

The moral?  Unless someone spits on you, picks his or her nose, or offends you in some unforgivable way, go on the second date.  You never know what comes after the first unless you try.

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