It’s funny how many people reference The Golden Rule in their online dating profiles: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Okay, perhaps not too many people reference it on JDate or JSwipe considering it’s often claimed by Christianity (though similar phrases do appear in the Torah—The Book of Leviticus, to be exact). But the sentiment is still there. Treat people with the respect with which you want to be treated. Period.

So why is it that, especially in the world of technology, people often don’t practice what they preach? At least once a month, a client tells me that he or she was stood up. Not cancelled on at the last minute (this is more like an everyday occurrence), but actually stood up. I even got this email recently from Emily, the associate writer who works for me, who is in her mid- to late-20s:

“A couple issues that my single/dating friends have been talking to me about are related to being stood up. They’ve been connecting with these guys on Tinder who agree to meet up and seem totally into them, and then bail at the very last minute with the WORST excuses (literally one of them was told that the guy couldn’t make it because his parents were coming over to go over their taxes). And others have shown up on dates that have been planned and confirmed… and the date just isn’t there.”

Let’s talk for a minute about how most of us like to be treated:

1. Our time is valuable, so if someone is going to cancel, we would prefer a day’s notice.
2. If there is a last-minute cancellation, we would like there to at least be an apology.
3. If someone changes his or her mind at the last minute about meeting at all, a short and simple explanation would be appropriate.
4. If someone doesn’t like us, we’d like to know rather than being left in the dust wondering if we’ll ever hear from him or her again.

If you’re the one who needs to cancel or otherwise change plans, here are some simple solutions to make sure you’re treating the other person with the respect with which you’d want to be treated:

The day before the date – a nice text or email

“Hey! I am so sorry to do this, but I was just informed of a business dinner I need to attend tomorrow. I wanted to reach out as soon as I heard so I didn’t leave you hanging without plans. Can we reschedule for Monday or Tuesday next week? Again, I really appreciate your understanding.”

The day of, before about 1 PM – a nice text or email early in the day

“Was really looking forward to seeing you tonight! Unfortunately, there’s been a change of plans on my end that I can’t get out of, and I wanted to let you know as soon as I heard. I’m really sorry about that. Can we reschedule for Monday or Tuesday next week? Again, I really appreciate your understanding.”

“Was really looking forward to seeing you tonight! I hate to do this at the 11^th hour, but I recently started seeing someone else, and the more I thought about it, I realized it wouldn’t be fair to him/her to still meet up with you. So sorry to have waited until now. I hope you understand, and I wish you the best!”

The day of, after about 1 PM – a nice call

Yes—a call! Even though it took me a while to adapt to the fact that people “date” over text now (and it is admittedly much more convenient), if you’re cancelling within a few hours of the date, the courteous thing to do is to call. Texting is the easy way out because you don’t have to deal with the repercussions of seeing or hearing someone’s reaction, often disappointment. While I know not everyone will heed this advice, I’d be remiss if I didn’t put it out there.

“Hey Sara. This is Darren from Match.com. I know it’s probably weird that I’m calling, but I wanted to sincerely apologize for having to cancel at the last minute. Something came up that I can’t get out of, and I just wanted to say that I’m sorry.”

I once had to do this to someone. It was 5 PM, and I had a first date at 6:30 PM. I had just received an email from a long-term ex-boyfriend informing me that he was in a new relationship. (Jerk move? I think so.) At any rate, I was in no place to put my best foot forward on a first date, so I called the guy I was meeting from OKC or Tinder (who could remember?), told him I was really sorry (and was actually honest about what happened), and rescheduled for a couple days later. He actually thanked me on the date for handling things so maturely and for calling him. Even though it was the only date we went on, it’s nice to know that I handled it in a way that I can be proud of. And that’s what I want for all of you. Obviously the reasons will differ, but the sentiment is the same.

The day after – a nice text or email

Let’s say you went on a date on Tuesday night. By Wednesday, you already have a text expressing interest in seeing you again.

“Hey Joey. Thanks for a fun time last night! Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel a romantic connection (or insert your preferred synonym: click, connection, spark, etc.) that I was hoping for, but I wish you only the best!”

Just because it feels like you’re incognito on these dating sites doesn’t give you license to deny others the same respect that you’d want to be shown. People are not things. You can’t just throw them away like garbage or treat them as if your time is more valuable than theirs. Just keep this in mind when making, planning, and cancelling dates. Let The Golden Rule live… one date at a time.

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The Scene: Your neighborhood wine bar, a first date from Match.com
The Cast: Kathy, 39, avid runner and ice skater & Pete, 42, steak-lover and football fan

The exit interview:
Kathy – “He was just ok.  We didn’t have a lot in common, and the attraction wasn’t there for me, unfortunately.  I’m glad we met, but I think it was pretty clear that this was our first and last date.”

Pete – “Wow.  Kathy is the woman I have been waiting for.  She listened to every word I said about football, and she got two drinks, so that must mean she wanted to stay longer.  I’ll e-mail her tomorrow to ask her out again.  I don’t see any reason why she’d say no.”

This scenario occurs a lot, and the disappointed party is not limited to either gender – it happens to all of us.  It’s not the end of the world, though.  Seeing if you have a mutual connection is what dating is all about.  Unfortunately, sometimes you just don’t.  But it’s how you handle yourself afterwards that really matters.

If your date wants to see you again, you’ll usually get an e-mail or text.  (Unfortunately, the phone seems to have gone out the window these days.)  If you’re not interested, you have four choices: 1) Agree to go out with him/her again, 2) Politely decline with a white lie, 3) Politely decline with the truth, or 4) Ignore him/her.  Assuming you really do not want to go out with the person again, the best option is #3.  No one can be upset with you for politely telling the truth.  But it’s all in how you say it.  When I was on the market, I probably should have saved this e-mail to copy and paste since I used it so often:

It was really nice meeting you, and thanks again for the drink.  Unfortunately, I just didn’t think we clicked the way I’d want us to, but I think you’re really great and hope to run into you again soon.

Not bad, right?  It’s truthful, gets the point across, and there won’t be any miscommunication.

But what if someone wants to convey this message but lacks the tact to do so properly?  A friend of mine received the text you’re seeing here.  The guy lacked sensitivity, and now not only does she know he’s just not that into her, but she doesn’t even like him as a person.  As I said, no one should get angry with you for being honest, but try to do it nicely.

A friend of mine recently e-mailed me her dilemma: “I went out with the French guy from online who I had a nice ‘e-lationship’ with.  The date was fine.  I don’t really have complaints, but I also do not have butterflies whatsoever, not even moths fluttering around.  I think the attraction was not there.  He has now been texting, but I couldn’t get myself to text him back yesterday.  I just don’t think I want to hang again.  Is that bad?  Should I give it another shot?  Also, if not, do I need to let him know that nicely or do I just not write back? Ugh I never know what to do!”

My response: “Well, I’m glad the e-lationship with the guy ended and you finally met.  Did he at least have a sexy accent?    Unfortunately, only you know whether there’s enough potential to go out with him again.  If you think there’s even a small chance, it can’t hurt to have another drink.  Some people do get nervous on the first date, and attraction definitely grows the more you get to know and like someone’s personality.  But that one is up to you.  As for letting him know vs. not, in this day and age, as you know, most people do not get back to someone after the first date if they don’t want to go out again.  Given that he did text, you could let it go, which I’m sure is what most people would do.  But the better, more mature, response would be to say, ‘I had a great time the other night.  Not sure I felt the spark, but thanks again for the drink!’  That way, it’s honest, and if you ever run into each other, he can’t fault you for being truthful.  I’ve found that it’s typically the best policy because the non-response gets awkward sometimes, and with the city being so small, you’re bound to run into people.  Let me know what you decide to do.”

Plus, by not responding, you always run the risk of this happening.  So be honest… and be nice.

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Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

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June 30, 2011

Now that Facebook has basically taken over the world, it’s hard to know the appropriate “friending” etiquette as it relates to the dating scene. I get this question all the time – “Should I friend someone after the first date if it went well?” The short and sweet of it is… no no no!

When it comes to post-date protocol, there are some choices to make for contacting your date again. Let’s break them down into four categories:
1) Texting
2) Facebook
3) Physical stuff
4) Second date and beyond

Let’s start with texting:
Who doesn’t like a nice, playful text every now and then? If you had a nice time on the date (men and women), it is perfectly acceptable to send a text that night or the next day saying, “Thanks again – I had a great time.” Assuming your date did too, it’ll put a smile on his or her face. Extra points!

Now onto the big one – Facebook:
I can’t say this strongly enough… Unless you’re already friends, do not friend your date on Facebook after the first time out together. The last thing you want is to come home from a great date and see all of his pictures with other women or her pictures with other men. No good can come of that. There’s something to be said for leaving some mystery.

Moving on to the physical stuff:
Whether or not to have that first date kiss is up to you. I say if you’re feeling it, go for it, but that’s a personal choice. Now, I’m not one to kiss and tell, so I won’t say whether Jeremy and I kissed on our first date, but as a random side note, as Jeremy was putting me in a cab to go home at the end of the night, some guy on the street yelled, “Take her home!” I never told Jeremy that I heard the guy until recently, so we both had a good laugh over it. Speaking of “taking her home,” I know this may make me seem like an old fuddy-duddy, but under no circumstances should there be anything that rhymes with rex on the first date, unless that’s the name of someone’s dog. If you do that, your whole relationship will be based on it, and that doesn’t lead to a solid foundation.

Finally, let’s discuss the second date and beyond:
We’re not 22 anymore. If you had a good time and want to go out again, it’s ok to – gasp! – tell him/her. No one’s getting any younger, so do what makes you happy. No need to wait three days to make the call. (And please call rather than text. An e-mail is ok, but a call is better.) Just don’t get so excited that you see each other every night of the week the first week and burn the relationship out too quickly. Again, there’s something to be said for leaving some mystery. And when you do go on that second date, feel free to take a peek at these date ideas.

And that’s the scoop!

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