In the days before texting and Tinder, there was actual talking and the art of the real, in-person conversation.  Even on Sex and The City, when Berger broke up with Carrie on a (dare I say it?) Post-it note, it was viewed as terrible form.  And it was.

So, why now, do people think it’s okay to not even give someone the courtesy of the measly Post-it note?  Some people are doing what has been termed “ghosting,” just up and leaving a relationship without having to courtesy to tell your significant other that you’re, well, up and leaving.  Some people called it “the fade-away,” some call it the “disappearing act,” and some have called it “falling off the earth.”  What do I call it?  Rudeness, cowardice, and selfishness for starters.

There was an article in Huffington Post the other day called ‘Ghosting:’ The 21st-Century Dating Problem Everyone Talks About, But No One Knows How To Deal With.  It talked about this phenomenon and how people are simply disappearing because that seems easier than breaking up with someone.  It even happened to a friend of mine after over a year of dating someone.  She got an email from her boyfriend saying that he was going through a rough patch.  She, as a dutiful girlfriend, said that she’d, of course, be there for him.  And that was the last time he ever spoke to her.  Her only remaining remnant was her Facebook profile photo, which she promptly took down in first confusion and then disappointment.

With the ubiquitous use of modern technology—text, GChat, Hinge, Tinder, What’s App, Google Voice, OkCupid—it’s almost too easy to think of people as disposable, just as the technology that once was so novel and exciting is now a bit older and less exciting.  But people are not things.  People have feelings.  For that reason alone, you need to buck up and have an actual, real conversation, whether you’ve been on three dates or 300.

While there are no specific rules, this is what I recommend:

After one date

If you mutually do not want to see each other again, then no follow-up is necessary.  If, however, one person asks the other out again, and the second party does not want to go, then the best option is to say something to the effect of, “Thank you so much for a nice time the other night.  I’m, unfortunately, not feeling that connection that I’m looking for, but I wish you the best of luck.”

After two to three dates

Given that you’ve now spent at least several hours together, it is best to acknowledge that there will not be any future dates.  “I think you’re great, and I’ve been having a lot of fun with you, but I unfortunately don’t see this going forward romantically.  Some guy/gal will be very lucky to find you!”  Email or phone is fine for this.

After four or more dates but before being exclusive

I have the same advice here as the two to three date guidance, but this should really be a conversation where you can hear each other’s voices, either over the phone or in person.

In an exclusive relationship

The only way to break up with someone when you’re in an exclusive relationship, barring distance, is in person.  Period.

Writing about the subject in The Date Report in May, reporter Sara Ashley O’Brien explained that ghosting just prolongs the time it takes to get over someone:

“A simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, ‘Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,’ would provide so much more closure.  It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days.  When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.”

Greg Behrendt of He’s Just Not That Into You fame disagrees, saying, “It’s simple, and there’s no need to contemplate the many ‘reasons’ a date is unresponsive.  When someone’s not texting you and you see they’ve read your text, then you should really get it.”

Here’s the difference.  While someone might get it, he or she does not deserve it.  Behrendt goes on to say that when you’re tired of something, like a movie or a sports team, you just walk away.  He’s turning people into objects.  People are not things.  We have feelings and emotions and limited time to sit around and wait to see if our love interest is going to contact us again in the next three days… or ever.

Some people rationalize their “ghosting” behavior by saying that they are trying to spare the other person’s feelings by not sharing the truth.  If that’s what makes you sleep at night, then fine, but we all know that’s a big load of you-know-what.

The moral of the story is to own up to your actions, take a little discomfort in the present (telling someone how you feel) for a future of knowing you’re an upstanding person who doesn’t hurt others to spare yourself.  I’ve seen too many incidents of this happen with friends and clients.  Don’t be a culprit, and I certainly hope you’re not a victim.  Just be a good person, have fun with dating, and when it’s over, just have the courtesy to let the person you’re seeing in on your decision.

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June 30, 2011

Now that Facebook has basically taken over the world, it’s hard to know the appropriate “friending” etiquette as it relates to the dating scene. I get this question all the time – “Should I friend someone after the first date if it went well?” The short and sweet of it is… no no no!

When it comes to post-date protocol, there are some choices to make for contacting your date again. Let’s break them down into four categories:
1) Texting
2) Facebook
3) Physical stuff
4) Second date and beyond

Let’s start with texting:
Who doesn’t like a nice, playful text every now and then? If you had a nice time on the date (men and women), it is perfectly acceptable to send a text that night or the next day saying, “Thanks again – I had a great time.” Assuming your date did too, it’ll put a smile on his or her face. Extra points!

Now onto the big one – Facebook:
I can’t say this strongly enough… Unless you’re already friends, do not friend your date on Facebook after the first time out together. The last thing you want is to come home from a great date and see all of his pictures with other women or her pictures with other men. No good can come of that. There’s something to be said for leaving some mystery.

Moving on to the physical stuff:
Whether or not to have that first date kiss is up to you. I say if you’re feeling it, go for it, but that’s a personal choice. Now, I’m not one to kiss and tell, so I won’t say whether Jeremy and I kissed on our first date, but as a random side note, as Jeremy was putting me in a cab to go home at the end of the night, some guy on the street yelled, “Take her home!” I never told Jeremy that I heard the guy until recently, so we both had a good laugh over it. Speaking of “taking her home,” I know this may make me seem like an old fuddy-duddy, but under no circumstances should there be anything that rhymes with rex on the first date, unless that’s the name of someone’s dog. If you do that, your whole relationship will be based on it, and that doesn’t lead to a solid foundation.

Finally, let’s discuss the second date and beyond:
We’re not 22 anymore. If you had a good time and want to go out again, it’s ok to – gasp! – tell him/her. No one’s getting any younger, so do what makes you happy. No need to wait three days to make the call. (And please call rather than text. An e-mail is ok, but a call is better.) Just don’t get so excited that you see each other every night of the week the first week and burn the relationship out too quickly. Again, there’s something to be said for leaving some mystery. And when you do go on that second date, feel free to take a peek at these date ideas.

And that’s the scoop!

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