I did something recently that I don’t usually do—I tried to prove myself wrong.

As a dating coach, the advice I give is what I know to work. Even if it works 90% of the time, I’ll still advise it. Especially since I can’t, of course, control how other people react.

If you’ve been reading my column long enough, you’ll know that I often call texting “the death of the first date” or “the place where dates go to die.” (I’m not usually this morbid. Promise.) So at one point, as I managed my own Bumble account, I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was chatting someone who, after a few messages back and forth about our dogs and weekend plans, asked for my number. Actually, he said, “Maybe you’d like to meet up?” (While I’m glad he asked, I have a personal pet peeve with the “up.” Are you trying to make it seem more casual? I’d just like to meet. Period.) Regardless, I replied, “That sounds nice!” Then, he asked, “Why don’t you shoot me your number?”

Normally, I would advise a client to say, “You know, it actually helps me stay organized to arrange the details on here, but I’m happy to plan something for this weekend.” It works like a charm. It pushes for the date while keeping the communication on the dating app so the conversation doesn’t go into the texting abyss, as it so often does.

But I decided to use this as an opportunity to re-assess my views. I realize that this sample size of one cannot draw conclusions, yet the behavior I saw was exactly as I predicted it would be:

Him: Hey this is your bumble prince [The lack of punctuation when writing to a writer is not lost on me.]

Me: Can you really be my Bumble prince if you don’t have an iPhone? [His texts were green, meaning that we’re not using iMessage, meaning that he doesn’t have an iPhone.]

Him: Yes ma’am! I make up for it

Me: We will see!

Him: Haha I’m already getting judged

Me: Not at all.

Him: Just giving you a hard time!

Me: I got it!

Him: How’s your day going? [Note: This is where things always go downhill.]

Me: Super busy actually!! [Note: It was 1 PM on a weekday!]

Him: Ohh well then I can text you later

Me: Great!

After one more “How’s the day been??” three hours later, when I was still working, and I responded as such (though very nicely), he was never to be heard from again. Yes, I could have pushed things along if I wanted to. But I didn’t.

As I told a client yesterday, texting before a first date is like driving a new car off the lot—it depreciates immediately. I’d venture to say that once the phone number is given on the app, there’s a 60% chance that the first date will no longer happen. Why? People get lazy. They text, “How is your day?” vs. “Let’s confirm our plans for Sunday. How’s 4 PM in Shaw?” Or someone says something that gets misconstrued. Or someone sends something inappropriate. You might be thinking, “Wouldn’t I want to know if someone is like that before we meet?” Sure. But I still want you to just get to the date in order to make the assessment for yourself. 

So, as much as I wanted to prove myself wrong, I stand by my advice to keep the date planning on the dating apps and then only exchange numbers at the last minute for contingencies. People get in their own way without knowing it. Don’t let them.

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How many times have you said the following to your friends, or have they said something like this to you?

We were talking online, and then he asked for my number to make it easier to schedule the date.  Well, it’s been a week, and all he does is text with no date in sight!

Or…

I don’t know… I guess I pictured him differently in my head from all his texts.

Or, how about this one?

OMG—I love this girl!  We’ve been texting every day, and I’m really falling for her. 

It happens all the time… someone puts his or her phone number down on a dating site or app and says, “Text me” or “Reach out to me.”  Does it really make communicating easier?  Isn’t it just as easy to check your email or your Tinder/JSwipe/Hinge as it is a text?  (Okay, maybe it’s not quite as easy, but still…)  And really, is there a need to text before the date, except to confirm the day before?  (Very important: do this)  My recommendation is simply to exchange numbers a day or two prior to the date so you can 1) confirm and 2) contact each other the day of in case something goes awry (you need to cancel, you’re running late, etc.).  As a side note—and I know I’ve said this before—if you’re cancelling the day of the date, especially if it’s within a few hours of when you’re supposed to meet each other, please do have the decency to call.

Besides the never-ending text relationship that might form with no date in sight, by texting (or emailing) too much before the date, you run the risk of building a false impression of this person that may not equate to what he or she is like in real life.  We often have a tendency to share things behind the screen that we may not reveal to someone in the flesh until much later.  The New York Post even has a name for this—premature escalation.

The article says this: “It’s a trend we’ve coined ‘premature escalation’… since our whole world is so instant now, people can craft entire personas through their slew of texts… by the time you meet your partner for an actual date, you’ve built up this whole image and fantasy in your head of who you think they are, and then they turn out to be totally different.”  Sound familiar?

What’s the solution then?  If you’re intent on texting before a date, then try to keep these texts to a minimum, with the purpose of determining the logistics of the date.  Whitney Casey, a love expert for Match.com agrees: “If your date starts sending you ‘How was your day?’ texts, it’s on you to cut him or her off — nicely.”  Saying something as simple as this should do the trick: “Hey—I’m not really a huge texter, but I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday!”

Now, I’m not saying all texting is bad.  In fact, I love texting!  It’s great when you’re in a relationship to check in with someone during the day or to send a sweet inside joke.  But just as I would never advise anyone to “friend” a potential date on Facebook before the first date, I would strongly advise you to just set up the date and go from there.  The sooner you meet, the sooner you’ll know if there’s chemistry.  And then text away!

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