I did something recently that I don’t usually do—I tried to prove myself wrong.

As a dating coach, the advice I give is what I know to work. Even if it works 90% of the time, I’ll still advise it. Especially since I can’t, of course, control how other people react.

If you’ve been reading my column long enough, you’ll know that I often call texting “the death of the first date” or “the place where dates go to die.” (I’m not usually this morbid. Promise.) So at one point, as I managed my own Bumble account, I wanted to prove myself wrong.

I was chatting someone who, after a few messages back and forth about our dogs and weekend plans, asked for my number. Actually, he said, “Maybe you’d like to meet up?” (While I’m glad he asked, I have a personal pet peeve with the “up.” Are you trying to make it seem more casual? I’d just like to meet. Period.) Regardless, I replied, “That sounds nice!” Then, he asked, “Why don’t you shoot me your number?”

Normally, I would advise a client to say, “You know, it actually helps me stay organized to arrange the details on here, but I’m happy to plan something for this weekend.” It works like a charm. It pushes for the date while keeping the communication on the dating app so the conversation doesn’t go into the texting abyss, as it so often does.

But I decided to use this as an opportunity to re-assess my views. I realize that this sample size of one cannot draw conclusions, yet the behavior I saw was exactly as I predicted it would be:

Him: Hey this is your bumble prince [The lack of punctuation when writing to a writer is not lost on me.]

Me: Can you really be my Bumble prince if you don’t have an iPhone? [His texts were green, meaning that we’re not using iMessage, meaning that he doesn’t have an iPhone.]

Him: Yes ma’am! I make up for it

Me: We will see!

Him: Haha I’m already getting judged

Me: Not at all.

Him: Just giving you a hard time!

Me: I got it!

Him: How’s your day going? [Note: This is where things always go downhill.]

Me: Super busy actually!! [Note: It was 1 PM on a weekday!]

Him: Ohh well then I can text you later

Me: Great!

After one more “How’s the day been??” three hours later, when I was still working, and I responded as such (though very nicely), he was never to be heard from again. Yes, I could have pushed things along if I wanted to. But I didn’t.

As I told a client yesterday, texting before a first date is like driving a new car off the lot—it depreciates immediately. I’d venture to say that once the phone number is given on the app, there’s a 60% chance that the first date will no longer happen. Why? People get lazy. They text, “How is your day?” vs. “Let’s confirm our plans for Sunday. How’s 4 PM in Shaw?” Or someone says something that gets misconstrued. Or someone sends something inappropriate. You might be thinking, “Wouldn’t I want to know if someone is like that before we meet?” Sure. But I still want you to just get to the date in order to make the assessment for yourself. 

So, as much as I wanted to prove myself wrong, I stand by my advice to keep the date planning on the dating apps and then only exchange numbers at the last minute for contingencies. People get in their own way without knowing it. Don’t let them.

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It was 11 AM on a recent Sunday. My friend Stephanie was looking forward to meeting her date for brunch that they had scheduled over the dating app Bumble. She arrived on time, sat down at a table and waited, assuming she had beaten him there. When she finally texted him to ask where he was, she saw that he had written, “I’m here.” She looked around… no sign of her date. She asked, “You’re at Busboys and Poets?” which was the place they had agreed on in advance. He was not. He was in a completely different part of town. (I have a feeling he got his dates confused and was meeting another woman where he showed up, but that’s just conjecture!) At this point, it should have been a no-brainer… her date should have apologized, gotten in an Uber, and raced to where Stephanie was sitting and waiting. Is that what he did? Nope. He asked her to come meet him, which wasn’t feasible for her because she had an appointment after the date that she had planned conveniently located to the date. Rather than doing the kind thing (he apparently never even offered to come to her!), he wrote back to her, “This won’t work. Have a good day.” Appalling.

I received a text from a client yesterday saying that she got stood up. Apparently, her coffee date texted her while she was on her way to the date itself. When did she see the text? After she arrived.

Then there’s me. I had once scheduled a date with someone from one of the dating apps. (Coincidently, all of these stories come from Bumble, but don’t overanalyze what that means… it’s just a very popular app.) We had discussed meeting for a bagel at 10 AM on a weekday, since both of us had flexible work schedules. He even joked that he had never been on a “bagel date” before. (That’s what you get when you’re meeting a Jewish woman from New Jersey!) We worked out the place and time, so everything was set. The evening before the date, I logged into Bumble to both review his profile (gotta be prepared!) and give him my number in case he needed to be in touch the next day for any reason. His profile? Gone! Did he unmatch me?? (For those who don’t use the dating apps, “unmatching” is the equivalent of permanently deleting an email, but this time removing the whole conversation and profile, without leaving a trace.) But we have a date! Do I still go? I mean, we did make the plans. Would he be so rude as to not tell me he was canceling on me and just—poof—disappear? After some internal debate about what to do (and an Instagram poll where, interestingly, most of the women told me to go and the men said not to), I went to the planned location at 10 AM. I waited… and waited… and waited. My date did not arrive. And, much to my dismay, the bagel I ordered anyway was mediocre at best.

Comment below on what you would have done.

These stories happen to all be about men disrespecting women’s time, but it most certainly goes both ways. (In fact, my podcast co-host, Chris, called me with a similar story last week.) The important lesson here is that no one’s time is any more valuable than anyone else’s. It doesn’t matter whether it’s someone you’ve never met before or a friend or significant other. Canceling at the last minute or, worse, standing someone up is the lowest of the low. You are essentially telling this person, “I am more important than you are, so I can waste your time.” IT IS NOT OKAY.

As I’ve written in a previous article, I mused as to why people seem so much flakier today than years ago. Smartphones have a lot, if not everything, to do with it. You can cancel on someone without seeing his or her reaction. You don’t have to incur the ire of someone if you don’t show up… you can just turn off your phone. But, remember that there is an actual person at the end of that phone. A person who has set aside time in his or her life to meet you. A person who now has to find other plans or not have any plans. Sure, there are valid reasons to cancel—your child/parent is sick, work put an unexpected deadline on you, your dog ate a rogue piece of chocolate on the floor—but even if you have one of these reasons, remember that your time is no more valuable than someone else’s. So show up or show yourself out.

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In the days before texting and Tinder, there was actual talking and the art of the real, in-person conversation.  Even on Sex and The City, when Berger broke up with Carrie on a (dare I say it?) Post-it note, it was viewed as terrible form.  And it was.

So, why now, do people think it’s okay to not even give someone the courtesy of the measly Post-it note?  Some people are doing what has been termed “ghosting,” just up and leaving a relationship without having to courtesy to tell your significant other that you’re, well, up and leaving.  Some people called it “the fade-away,” some call it the “disappearing act,” and some have called it “falling off the earth.”  What do I call it?  Rudeness, cowardice, and selfishness for starters.

There was an article in Huffington Post the other day called ‘Ghosting:’ The 21st-Century Dating Problem Everyone Talks About, But No One Knows How To Deal With.  It talked about this phenomenon and how people are simply disappearing because that seems easier than breaking up with someone.  It even happened to a friend of mine after over a year of dating someone.  She got an email from her boyfriend saying that he was going through a rough patch.  She, as a dutiful girlfriend, said that she’d, of course, be there for him.  And that was the last time he ever spoke to her.  Her only remaining remnant was her Facebook profile photo, which she promptly took down in first confusion and then disappointment.

With the ubiquitous use of modern technology—text, GChat, Hinge, Tinder, What’s App, Google Voice, OkCupid—it’s almost too easy to think of people as disposable, just as the technology that once was so novel and exciting is now a bit older and less exciting.  But people are not things.  People have feelings.  For that reason alone, you need to buck up and have an actual, real conversation, whether you’ve been on three dates or 300.

While there are no specific rules, this is what I recommend:

After one date

If you mutually do not want to see each other again, then no follow-up is necessary.  If, however, one person asks the other out again, and the second party does not want to go, then the best option is to say something to the effect of, “Thank you so much for a nice time the other night.  I’m, unfortunately, not feeling that connection that I’m looking for, but I wish you the best of luck.”

After two to three dates

Given that you’ve now spent at least several hours together, it is best to acknowledge that there will not be any future dates.  “I think you’re great, and I’ve been having a lot of fun with you, but I unfortunately don’t see this going forward romantically.  Some guy/gal will be very lucky to find you!”  Email or phone is fine for this.

After four or more dates but before being exclusive

I have the same advice here as the two to three date guidance, but this should really be a conversation where you can hear each other’s voices, either over the phone or in person.

In an exclusive relationship

The only way to break up with someone when you’re in an exclusive relationship, barring distance, is in person.  Period.

Writing about the subject in The Date Report in May, reporter Sara Ashley O’Brien explained that ghosting just prolongs the time it takes to get over someone:

“A simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, ‘Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,’ would provide so much more closure.  It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days.  When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.”

Greg Behrendt of He’s Just Not That Into You fame disagrees, saying, “It’s simple, and there’s no need to contemplate the many ‘reasons’ a date is unresponsive.  When someone’s not texting you and you see they’ve read your text, then you should really get it.”

Here’s the difference.  While someone might get it, he or she does not deserve it.  Behrendt goes on to say that when you’re tired of something, like a movie or a sports team, you just walk away.  He’s turning people into objects.  People are not things.  We have feelings and emotions and limited time to sit around and wait to see if our love interest is going to contact us again in the next three days… or ever.

Some people rationalize their “ghosting” behavior by saying that they are trying to spare the other person’s feelings by not sharing the truth.  If that’s what makes you sleep at night, then fine, but we all know that’s a big load of you-know-what.

The moral of the story is to own up to your actions, take a little discomfort in the present (telling someone how you feel) for a future of knowing you’re an upstanding person who doesn’t hurt others to spare yourself.  I’ve seen too many incidents of this happen with friends and clients.  Don’t be a culprit, and I certainly hope you’re not a victim.  Just be a good person, have fun with dating, and when it’s over, just have the courtesy to let the person you’re seeing in on your decision.

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There was a very popular post written the other day by a blogger named Matt Walsh called, Dear Single Dudes: It’s Time to Man Up.  The gist of his article is that men are often commitment-phobic, and they need to get themselves into gear to stop messing around and to have a serious relationship.  I read the post in its entirety, which I would advise you to do as well, and then I made the following comment:

I have to agree with everything you said in the article, both as a woman and as a dating coach.  But I have to wonder… had I written the exact same thing but coming from a woman’s point of view, would I be tarred and feathered for looking like I’m bitter, or worse, asking for something that shouldn’t be asked? Just a thought… I totally agree with all of your sentiments, though, and these are ones I preach to my clients all the time.

This brings us to the question: Whose responsibility is it to “(wo)man up?”  I dare to say the responsibility lies in both camps.  It’s true—almost every woman I know, whether a client or a friend, whether 25 years old or 65 years old, wants much of what the article says.  In particular, she wants a partner who is decisive, proactive, commitment-minded, future-oriented, and ready to discuss hard topics.  Very few women want the man-boy who calls it “hanging out” or “talking” rather than “dating.”  The best advice I could give to any man is to be clear about what your intentions are up front.  If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then say so.  And if you’re not, then make that clear as well… half of the people on Tinder do!  I know we live in a “hook-up” society, in part due to technology and the ease with which we now plan our rendezvous, but the best thing you can do is to be honest and let her have the choice as to whether to stick around or not.

Now, for the ladies…

I hear complaints like this all the time:

“He won’t pick up the phone to call me.  I am so sick of texting!”

“He only contacts me once a week.  What’s up with that?”

“Why can’t he ask me before Friday if I’m free this weekend?”

All of these are, of course, valid questions and concerns.  But what’s not valid is not saying anything about them to the person you’re dating!  As much as we want them to be, people are not mind readers.  Even if we think we’re being as clear as a freshly washed glass door (I use this as an example because I walked into one recently—oops), we often dance around things that bother us until the other person figures them out… which rarely happens.  This leads to the demise of many a relationship, when often simply talking it through would resolve the problem.

Let’s take the example of texting.  In this day and age, the default is to text.  Running late?  Send a text.  Curious to know what someone’s up to later?  Send a text.  Ask someone out on a second date?  You guessed it.  I pose this question: If this overuse of texting bothers you, what do you do about it?  Too often, the answer is nothing.  If you allow the texting to go on by answering all the time and not mentioning that you would prefer a phone call, then your date/partner assumes that it’s okay.  In fact, very recently, a 54-year-old female client called me to ask what to do about a guy from Match.com who has been texting her since asking for her phone number.  She said, “He must be lazy!  Should I just ignore him?”  My response was, “Write him back saying, ‘Why don’t you give me a ring, and we’ll schedule a time to meet.’”

In life, many people end up being passive-aggressive or unclear when trying to get a message across.  The act of having a real, honest conversation about something that’s bothering you is a lost art, but it’s the foundation of a good relationship.  Rather than having little things, like the frustration with texting, add up until you can’t take it anymore, instead, you can ask yourself, “Have I mentioned that I would prefer a call sometimes?”  If the answer is no, then before you break up (likely via text, given the circumstances), have a conversation about your different communication styles, and try to find a middle ground.

Now, let’s get back to the bigger issue at hand.  Let’s say someone new in your life is not “manning up,” as Matt’s article suggests.  Try this on for size: Ask what he’s looking for.  If the answer is not to your liking, then it’s time to cut the ties before you get too invested.  Remember that you get what you allow, so by allowing the “problem” to go on, you’re sending the message that it’s not a problem at all.  It would be nice if, as women, we never had to pine for more, but as we know, that rarely happens.  If he’s not “manning up,” it’s time to speak up!  And if you then find out that he’s not ready for the serious relationship that you are, and your nudge doesn’t push him in that direction, then it’s time to take stock of what you want and go out there to find it.

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