This one is mainly for the ladies…

You’re swiping through Bumble. You see a really cute guy (or gal). You swipe right.  You match!! You message him (on Bumble, the woman has to write first)… only to get no response. The 24-hour period where responses are allowed is up, and—poof—your match goes away just as quickly as he got there.

The question is this: If someone looked at your picture, presumably liked what he saw, and then swiped right, isn’t he interested enough to write something back? Let’s look at six reasons why he may not reply to you:

1. Your message didn’t cut it.

Keep your first message short, sweet, and end it with a question. Just remember that anything is better than “Hey,” or “What’s up?” because the only response to these is “Hey” and “nothing”/“not much,” respectively. Boringville!

The best way to write a message is to reference something in his profile. So, if he says, “I’m an avid ping pong player,” you can say, “Ping pong, huh? I can’t say I’m avid like you are, but I bet I could give you a run for your money in tennis. Do you play?”

Sometimes, though, the other person doesn’t write a profile that provides any “message bait” (something interesting and unique for you to use in your message), so here are a few examples for when no “message bait” is provided:

• Sunday priorities: exercise, sleep in, or eat unlimited pancakes?
• *Pizza emoji* or *sushi emoji*?
• If you had nothing to do today, would you rather go running or binge watch something on Netflix… or both?

2. He’s not that attracted to you (sorry) and swiped right on everyone.

It’s true—some men, knowing how discerning most women are, simply swipe right on everyone to see every single person who likes them in return. They leave no stone unturned this way. So, they may not be interested in 1) dating at all, 2) everyone they swiped on, or 3) even looking at the matches once they come through. This could just be a game to them.

3. He’s busy.

That TPS report was due today!  He has to call his mom for her birthday! He went to the dentist to have a root canal (ouch). Sometimes people are just busy.

4. He forgot.

Along the lines of being busy, sometimes people look at their matches, say they’re going to write later, and then simply forget. If someone likes you enough, though, he’ll remember to write back.

5. His app isn’t sending him notifications.

I don’t know about you, but I have different notification settings for different apps. (I have no interest in my weather app telling me every time there’s a little drizzle outside! That’s what windows are for.) Some people don’t have their notifications set for the dating apps, meaning they have to actively open the app to check messages. Not everyone does.

6. He swiped right without reading your profile or looking at all of your pictures, but when he did, he was no longer interested.

Sadly, this is probably the most likely scenario. He saw your first picture. You’re really attractive!  You match—yay! You write to him, assuming he liked what he saw. Then, when he gets your message, he reads your profile and/or looks at the other pictures and decides, for one reason or another, that he’s just not that into you. Women often use all of the information they’re given (profile, pictures, etc.) up front and only swipe right on those they want to talk to. Men, not so much.

The moral of all of this?  Don’t take someone’s lack of response personally. We never know why he replies or doesn’t, even if he has seemingly expressed interest. Just take it all with a grain of salt, keep swiping, and know that the right person for you will reply… and want to meet.

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Have you heard the expression “hookup culture” recently?  Our friend and foe Wikipedia defines “hookup culture” as a culture that accepts and encourages casual sexual encounters, focusing on immediate pleasure rather than long-term commitment.  This is not a new phenomenon by any means.  The American Psychological Association (APA) says that hookups became more frequent in the 1920s, believe it or not, when more people were driving cars and going to movie theaters (aka getting out of their parents’ houses).  Then, in the 1960s, with feminism on the rise and more people sexually liberated, it became even more acceptable.  The APA says, and I agree, that today’s hookup culture represents a marked shift in openness and acceptance of uncommitted sex.  I know that I, for one, can’t say I know anyone who is waiting until marriage to have sex.  Do you?

Why am I giving a history of hookup culture, you may be wondering?  I want to look at today’s trends as it relates to the dating apps that now exist.

This past August, a Vanity Fair article came out, claiming that Tinder (owned by the same company as Match and OurTime, The Match Group) and apps like it are starting what they call a “Dating Apocalypse.”  The article contends that in today’s society, many people, especially millennials, are moving toward this hookup culture that I’ve been talking about, where everything is determined by instant gratification.  The article goes on to say that the people they profiled—twenty-somethings in New York City—are even going as far as using the app as a game to see just how many people they can sleep with in any given period of time.  It goes on to say that the art of dating is solely becoming extinct, much like the cassette tape and the rotary phone.

As an online dating coach, I am asked by people all the time, “Are dating apps just for hooking up?”  My answer is always the same: Yes … if you both hook up.  (Just for the record, I hate the expression “hook up.”  I think it sounds classless, but, just like most of us, I have to adapt to the times, too.)  Any site can be used for anything you’re looking for.  Do more people “hook up” on JSwipe (JDate’s Tinder-eqsue app that it acquired for $7 million last year) than on Elite Singles?  Probably.  Do some people troll the “serious” dating sites looking for a one-night stand?  Sure.  And do some people find meaningful, lasting relationships from an app like the one discussed in the Vanity Fair article? You bet.

As for the point the article made about the world becoming a place of casual relationships, I’ll just say that you get what you allow.  If you’re looking for a serious relationship, but you allow someone into your life in a physical-only capacity, then that’s what you get.  If you instead hold out for someone who is also looking for the commitment you are, then you’ll get that instead.

There are, of course, some benefits to using the dating apps:

They’re efficient.  When you match with someone, you could meet that person within hours, or even minutes, depending on how close you are.  Chemistry is the wild card that is either there or not, so meeting face-to-face in a timely fashion is one of the keys to online dating.  Also, because of a very granular GPS system, the apps allow you to find people in your vicinity whose paths you might not have crossed.  Some dating services target a radius within your ZIP code, which also locates people you might not meet otherwise but within a much larger area.  Lastly, they’re easy to set up and free.  With a few clicks and a Facebook account, you can make a profile.

As for whether you should use Tinder or any other app to find a date, that’s up to you.  I contend that people should use any resources available to them.  Don’t NOT use something because of its reputation.  But, if you want to ensure that other people have some skin in the game, in the form of a monthly payment, then the “traditional” online dating sites like Match.com, eHarmony, JDate, Christian Mingle, and those similar are still your best bet.

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You haven’t written your online dating profile yet?  As any intrusive relative (we all have them) would say, “You’re not getting any younger!”  This is before the requisite pinch cheek, of course.  When you’re ready to take the leap and either subscribe to or update your online dating profile, here are the top 15 Quick & Dirty Tips for Your Online Dating Profile:

1. Make sure your photos are representative of you, especially the first one.  You would rather have someone meet you in person thinking, “He/she is much better-looking than the photos,” not “Those photos were a lie… or taken five years ago!”  Be confident, and be truthful.

2. Less is more when it comes to photos.  People will look for the one bad photo (um… the one with the empty wine bottle in front of you and your lips looking extra red?) and decide not to write to you because of it.  Three to five photos are recommended.

3. Have at least one clear “face” photo.  Blurry photos make people wonder if you’re hiding something.

4. Be by yourself in the shot.  Too many reasons!

• Don’t give someone the opportunity to compare you to the other people in your own picture.
• Don’t try to show that you’re social. We know you’re social.
• If it’s someone of the opposite sex, we think it’s your ex… or current significant other.

5. Have one photo doing something interesting.  Many people have no idea what to say in the initial message to you, so give them something to comment on, or “message bait.”  Ideas: you making a delicious loaf of bread, you doing underwater basket weaving, you riding a horse… you get the idea.

6. Include a full-body shot.  For the same reason as #1, it’s important that you portray yourself accurately.  Also, when people don’t have information (as in, what you look like below the neck), they assume things, and often they assume the worst.

7. Take your time writing your profile.  Many people think that writing an online dating profile is a one-time job, and they rarely change it based on its success (or lack thereof).  They also try to write it as quickly as humanly possible. This is one thing that you should really spend your time on.  You are putting yourself out there for the world to see, so you want to put your best foot forward.

8. In your profile, provide a bold introduction.  Try not to bore someone to sleep or sound just like everyone else.  Make the first line memorable and interesting.

9. End your profile on a positive note.  “Need not apply” need not be in your vocabulary.

10. Do NOT write a novel.  Anything over three paragraphs on a “traditional” online dating site like Match.com is much too long.  And on the apps (i.e. Tinder, Bumble, etc.), short and sweet—and quirky—is the key.

Example

Things I’m good at: remembering which direction the North Star points, swimming in really cold water, making pizza from scratch, writing limericks and ridiculous Tinder profiles

11. Stand out from the crowd.  If the stranger sitting next to you on the subway might have been able to write the same exact profile, then it is too generic, and it’s time to spice it up.

12. Avoid “empty adjectives.”  These are words like “smart,” “funny,” “attractive,” and “loyal” that are subjective and cannot be proven until someone gets to know you.

13. Proofread and edit.  If someone spells “your” incorrectly, I don’t assume carelessness; I assume stupidity.  Don’t make people think you’re stupid.

14. Make sure you’re realistic, not idealistic.  Your profile should be representative of you today, not the you in your head… who we know is a rock star.

15. Remember that online dating is not represented by any one bad (or good) date.  Don’t quit online dating after one bad date.  First, that person is just that—one person.  And every bad date is a good story.  (I have one about how I inadvertently went out with the same person twice… six years apart!)

Looking for more?  Feel free to grab a copy of my book, Love at First Site, on Amazon if you need additional help and motivation.

Want more dating advice? (You know you do!) Click Here for your very own dating cheat sheet of 25 secret dating tips you can use immediately.

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In the days before texting and Tinder, there was actual talking and the art of the real, in-person conversation.  Even on Sex and The City, when Berger broke up with Carrie on a (dare I say it?) Post-it note, it was viewed as terrible form.  And it was.

So, why now, do people think it’s okay to not even give someone the courtesy of the measly Post-it note?  Some people are doing what has been termed “ghosting,” just up and leaving a relationship without having to courtesy to tell your significant other that you’re, well, up and leaving.  Some people called it “the fade-away,” some call it the “disappearing act,” and some have called it “falling off the earth.”  What do I call it?  Rudeness, cowardice, and selfishness for starters.

There was an article in Huffington Post the other day called ‘Ghosting:’ The 21st-Century Dating Problem Everyone Talks About, But No One Knows How To Deal With.  It talked about this phenomenon and how people are simply disappearing because that seems easier than breaking up with someone.  It even happened to a friend of mine after over a year of dating someone.  She got an email from her boyfriend saying that he was going through a rough patch.  She, as a dutiful girlfriend, said that she’d, of course, be there for him.  And that was the last time he ever spoke to her.  Her only remaining remnant was her Facebook profile photo, which she promptly took down in first confusion and then disappointment.

With the ubiquitous use of modern technology—text, GChat, Hinge, Tinder, What’s App, Google Voice, OkCupid—it’s almost too easy to think of people as disposable, just as the technology that once was so novel and exciting is now a bit older and less exciting.  But people are not things.  People have feelings.  For that reason alone, you need to buck up and have an actual, real conversation, whether you’ve been on three dates or 300.

While there are no specific rules, this is what I recommend:

After one date

If you mutually do not want to see each other again, then no follow-up is necessary.  If, however, one person asks the other out again, and the second party does not want to go, then the best option is to say something to the effect of, “Thank you so much for a nice time the other night.  I’m, unfortunately, not feeling that connection that I’m looking for, but I wish you the best of luck.”

After two to three dates

Given that you’ve now spent at least several hours together, it is best to acknowledge that there will not be any future dates.  “I think you’re great, and I’ve been having a lot of fun with you, but I unfortunately don’t see this going forward romantically.  Some guy/gal will be very lucky to find you!”  Email or phone is fine for this.

After four or more dates but before being exclusive

I have the same advice here as the two to three date guidance, but this should really be a conversation where you can hear each other’s voices, either over the phone or in person.

In an exclusive relationship

The only way to break up with someone when you’re in an exclusive relationship, barring distance, is in person.  Period.

Writing about the subject in The Date Report in May, reporter Sara Ashley O’Brien explained that ghosting just prolongs the time it takes to get over someone:

“A simple acknowledgment of an appreciation for the time we did spend together, ‘Hey, I had a fun few dates with you but I don’t think we’re right for each other beyond that,’ would provide so much more closure.  It’s always a blow, but you can get over it in a few days.  When the ghost disappears, you spend the first few days wondering when you’re going to get a text back and then weeks trying to figure out what went wrong.”

Greg Behrendt of He’s Just Not That Into You fame disagrees, saying, “It’s simple, and there’s no need to contemplate the many ‘reasons’ a date is unresponsive.  When someone’s not texting you and you see they’ve read your text, then you should really get it.”

Here’s the difference.  While someone might get it, he or she does not deserve it.  Behrendt goes on to say that when you’re tired of something, like a movie or a sports team, you just walk away.  He’s turning people into objects.  People are not things.  We have feelings and emotions and limited time to sit around and wait to see if our love interest is going to contact us again in the next three days… or ever.

Some people rationalize their “ghosting” behavior by saying that they are trying to spare the other person’s feelings by not sharing the truth.  If that’s what makes you sleep at night, then fine, but we all know that’s a big load of you-know-what.

The moral of the story is to own up to your actions, take a little discomfort in the present (telling someone how you feel) for a future of knowing you’re an upstanding person who doesn’t hurt others to spare yourself.  I’ve seen too many incidents of this happen with friends and clients.  Don’t be a culprit, and I certainly hope you’re not a victim.  Just be a good person, have fun with dating, and when it’s over, just have the courtesy to let the person you’re seeing in on your decision.

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Online dating has been around for a while now.  In fact, Match.com first opened its proverbial doors back in 1993!  As you may know, I was actually a very early adopter of online dating, using JDate back in 2000 or 2001, before people really had any idea what it was all about.  My parents, naturally, flipped out, thinking I was going to meet some psycho-killer, or worse, someone who wasn’t worthy of their daughter!  The worst that happened, of course, was a few bad dates with some socially awkward men… er… boys who were clueless as to what dating actually involved.  But why not try it out?  I was technologically savvy.  I mean, I did have a cell phone in college before anyone else did, even if it was this ridiculously large blue thing that I didn’t want anyone to know I had.  (It was very uncool to have a cell phone back then.)

I thought we’d take a stroll down memory lane and compare online dating in the early 2000s to online dating today.

Then

Person 1: Um… I’m going on a date with this guy Steve.

Person 2: That’s great!  Where did you meet him?

Person 1: Well, we haven’t actually “met” yet.  I found him on JDate.

Person 2: What?!?!  You’re not that desperate, are you?  Geez—protect yourself!  Tell me all the details.  Let me know where you’ll be.  I just hope you’ll be safe.  You never know what psychos are hiding on those sites.  Wow—I didn’t know anyone I knew would actually try online dating!

Now

Person 1: Um… I’m going on a date with this guy Steve.

Person 2: That’s great!  Where did you meet him?

Person 1: On OkCupid.

Person 2: Cool!  My sister met her husband on Match.com.  Have fun!

——

Then

OMG—I think that guy across the room at the dessert table looked at my profile on (whisper) eHarmony.  I can’t even look at him.  How embarrassing!

Now

I think that guy and I matched on Coffee Meets Bagel (an online dating app) the other day.  I think I’ll go say hi!  Maybe it’ll speed up the process of him asking me out.

——

Then

Which four pictures should I use for my JDate profile?  I guess I’ll have to upload the pictures from my new digital camera to my computer to post them on the site.  Or, I guess I can scan some of the other ones I have.  I hope it works.

Now

Which pictures should I use for my OkCupid, Hinge, and Tinder profiles?  Let me check out some pics on Facebook and my phone to see which ones I want to use.  Actually, I think there’s a really good one on Instagram that someone tagged me in!

Side note: I still only recommend posting three to five photos. 

——

Then

Person: How did you two meet?

Couple: Um… well… haha… it’s a long story.  (Look at each other embarrassingly.)

Now

Person: How did you two meet?

Couple (in unison): Online!

The stigma is gone, and online dating is here to stay.  Daily Mail UK predicts that in 20 years, half of all couples will meet online, and this number may rise to 70% by 2040.  If you’re not already playing the online dating game, now’s the time to give it a whirl.  Why not?

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There was a very popular post written the other day by a blogger named Matt Walsh called, Dear Single Dudes: It’s Time to Man Up.  The gist of his article is that men are often commitment-phobic, and they need to get themselves into gear to stop messing around and to have a serious relationship.  I read the post in its entirety, which I would advise you to do as well, and then I made the following comment:

I have to agree with everything you said in the article, both as a woman and as a dating coach.  But I have to wonder… had I written the exact same thing but coming from a woman’s point of view, would I be tarred and feathered for looking like I’m bitter, or worse, asking for something that shouldn’t be asked? Just a thought… I totally agree with all of your sentiments, though, and these are ones I preach to my clients all the time.

This brings us to the question: Whose responsibility is it to “(wo)man up?”  I dare to say the responsibility lies in both camps.  It’s true—almost every woman I know, whether a client or a friend, whether 25 years old or 65 years old, wants much of what the article says.  In particular, she wants a partner who is decisive, proactive, commitment-minded, future-oriented, and ready to discuss hard topics.  Very few women want the man-boy who calls it “hanging out” or “talking” rather than “dating.”  The best advice I could give to any man is to be clear about what your intentions are up front.  If you’re looking for a serious relationship, then say so.  And if you’re not, then make that clear as well… half of the people on Tinder do!  I know we live in a “hook-up” society, in part due to technology and the ease with which we now plan our rendezvous, but the best thing you can do is to be honest and let her have the choice as to whether to stick around or not.

Now, for the ladies…

I hear complaints like this all the time:

“He won’t pick up the phone to call me.  I am so sick of texting!”

“He only contacts me once a week.  What’s up with that?”

“Why can’t he ask me before Friday if I’m free this weekend?”

All of these are, of course, valid questions and concerns.  But what’s not valid is not saying anything about them to the person you’re dating!  As much as we want them to be, people are not mind readers.  Even if we think we’re being as clear as a freshly washed glass door (I use this as an example because I walked into one recently—oops), we often dance around things that bother us until the other person figures them out… which rarely happens.  This leads to the demise of many a relationship, when often simply talking it through would resolve the problem.

Let’s take the example of texting.  In this day and age, the default is to text.  Running late?  Send a text.  Curious to know what someone’s up to later?  Send a text.  Ask someone out on a second date?  You guessed it.  I pose this question: If this overuse of texting bothers you, what do you do about it?  Too often, the answer is nothing.  If you allow the texting to go on by answering all the time and not mentioning that you would prefer a phone call, then your date/partner assumes that it’s okay.  In fact, very recently, a 54-year-old female client called me to ask what to do about a guy from Match.com who has been texting her since asking for her phone number.  She said, “He must be lazy!  Should I just ignore him?”  My response was, “Write him back saying, ‘Why don’t you give me a ring, and we’ll schedule a time to meet.’”

In life, many people end up being passive-aggressive or unclear when trying to get a message across.  The act of having a real, honest conversation about something that’s bothering you is a lost art, but it’s the foundation of a good relationship.  Rather than having little things, like the frustration with texting, add up until you can’t take it anymore, instead, you can ask yourself, “Have I mentioned that I would prefer a call sometimes?”  If the answer is no, then before you break up (likely via text, given the circumstances), have a conversation about your different communication styles, and try to find a middle ground.

Now, let’s get back to the bigger issue at hand.  Let’s say someone new in your life is not “manning up,” as Matt’s article suggests.  Try this on for size: Ask what he’s looking for.  If the answer is not to your liking, then it’s time to cut the ties before you get too invested.  Remember that you get what you allow, so by allowing the “problem” to go on, you’re sending the message that it’s not a problem at all.  It would be nice if, as women, we never had to pine for more, but as we know, that rarely happens.  If he’s not “manning up,” it’s time to speak up!  And if you then find out that he’s not ready for the serious relationship that you are, and your nudge doesn’t push him in that direction, then it’s time to take stock of what you want and go out there to find it.

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