On Valentine’s Day, many people reflect on the fact that they are single and don’t necessarily want to be. (Side note: Being single is MORE than okay… sprawl out in bed, watch what you want on TV, and revel in the fact that your life is your own. Enjoy it!)

But, should you want to meet someone, while we obviously can’t control chemistry or the longevity of relationships, we can certainly control our approach to finding someone. Here are five tips on why you might be single and how you can change that:

1. You’re not using online dating sites effectively. 

Almost daily, clients and friends alike complain about being single, yet when I ask what they’re doing to change that, I’m often met with a shrug, a blush, or a response of “not much, I guess.” Dating takes work! We can’t rely on serendipity. We can count on hard work… and even then, there’s no guarantee. What does “work” mean as it relates to dating? Once you have a profile up, you have to reach out to people… and then actually set up the dates. Swiping endlessly with no conversation will get you nowhere.

2. You have unrealistic expectations of how you should feel on/after a first date (and too strict criteria for going on a second).

I know everyone wants the fireworks or the elusive “spark,” but when nerves come into play, it’s often difficult to gauge how well you might get along with someone. The first date should not determine whether you can spend your future with someone. Rather, it should simply be a chance to see if you have some rapport. And the criteria I advise for a second date is, “Do I want to have one more conversation with this person?” If the answer is yes, or even maybe, then I encourage a second date. Take some pressure off of yourself to “feel it” immediately. 

3. You’re not holding yourself to the standard of the person you’re looking for.

Are you looking for someone fit and active? Then it will help to be fit and active yourself. Someone who reads 15 books a year? Then you better get cracking on that reading list! I see clients all the time who have a wish-list, but they don’t look inward to see what they have to offer to a partner. Ask yourself, “Would I want to date me?” If the answer is no, then it’s time for some self-improvement.

4. You complain about dating a lot.

Yes, dating can be frustrating. But talking about how frustrating it is all the time is not a turn-on, especially on a date itself. Try to stay positive, and if you can’t, take a hiatus from dating until you can.

5. You’re not putting your best foot forward.

I meet with many clients in person. When I see how they present themselves, I sometimes ask, “Is that what you’d wear on a date?” or “Would you be chewing gum like that on a date?” (I definitely practice tough love.) I’m often met with, “No — I knew I wasn’t planning on seeing anyone today I’m trying to impress.” While perhaps true, we are always presenting ourselves… at a coffee shop, at the gym, or on a date. Remember this: first impressions can’t be redone.

So, this Valentine’s Day, whether single, coupled, or something in between, just know that I’m in your corner.

Love,

Erika

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Around this time of year, I always get a lot of questions pertaining to the cyclical nature of my job.  “Is this your busy time of year?”  “You must get a lot of business before Valentine’s Day.”  “Do people’s New Year’s resolutions affect how many new clients come your way?”  In short, the answer is yes.  In fact, Match.com even calls this time of year “Online Dating Season.”  I wonder what our forefathers would have thought about that.

What exactly is this “online dating season” that they speak of?  To put it simply, it’s the period between Christmas and Valentine’s Day, when there is a spike in both new members and member activity on the various online dating sites.  The dating company Zoosk reported that there would be a 20% increase in users in the first two weeks of 2016, and Match.com predicted a whopping 60% increase during the whole peak season.

Also, don’t fret if you want to peruse some matches on Valentine’s Day itself.  Let your coupled off friends have their day to frolic, drink champagne, and buy overly expensive chocolate.  This day is for you.  As reported by TIME, several major dating sites show an increase in users and user interactions on the big day itself when comparing week-over-week-results.  And considering Valentine’s Day is on a Sunday this year—and on a holiday weekend no less, with Presidents’ Day on the 15^th—we can predict that the increase will likely be exacerbated.  Many people log on over the weekend when work can’t get in the way, and we know that the busiest day of the whole year, Sunday, January 3, just passed not too long ago.  I’m not a betting woman (though I do enjoy a few hands of poker now and then), but I would guess that this Sunday, February 14, will prove to be the second biggest Sunday for online dating this year.  Only time will tell…

My advice, whether in the peak season or not, is to plan out how you want to portray yourself before you sign up for a dating site.  Scope out which questions each site asks, such as “favorite hot spots” on Match.com or “six things I can’t do without” on OkCupid, and have answers prepared and ready.  Online dating can seem overwhelming if you’re trying to come up with clever, witty answers on the spot.  Just as you’d likely write a practice essay before going in to take the GMAT (well, I did anyway), you want to prepare yourself for this important step, too.

Keep in mind that the best time of year to do online dating is still when you’re emotionally ready.  Don’t let the pressure of the season force you into prematurely perusing the sites.  Assuming you are ready, though, then now is the time to click, swipe, message, and date!

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Ah, Valentine’s Day.  Some people love the chocolates and flowers.  Some people hate the saccharine Hallmark cards that permeate the aisles.  And, of course, some people choose to treat February 14^th as just any other day of the year.  Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum, many people do place a lot of weight on the holiday, and that is evidenced by the number of people who log into the online dating sites in advance of, and after, 2/14.

In February of last year, the dating site Zoosk ran some numbers on their subscribers to see if any trends could be assessed.  The site found that there were 16 percent more messages sent in the two weeks following Valentine’s Day compared to the two weeks before.  Why might this be?  I have two theories:

1. The time leading up to Valentine’s Day is full of pressure, so perhaps people prefer to wait until after the holiday when the pressure is off and there’s no perceived deadline to find a date or a relationship.
2. Just like the Turkey Drop, perhaps many a relationship has ended, and the next thing people look to do is go online for a new belle or beau.

According to Zoosk, Valentine’s Day itself had the least number of profile views of any day in February for both men and women—25 percent below average.  This one makes sense.  Not too many people want to admit to looking at an online dating site on what is supposed to be the most romantic day of the year.  Valentine’s Day also had the least number of registrations of any day in February for both men and women, down 16 percent from the average.

Interestingly enough, Match.com said that its site is targeted to have more than two million users logging on over 36 million times in the first week of January, and the busiest period kicks off on Christmas Day each year and typically lasts until February 14.  During that time, the site boasts a 30% increase in new member sign-ups.

This is interesting.  Either Zoosk and Match see opposite trends for the two weeks leading up to the 14^th, or the busiest season is skewed a bit to the right, peaking in late December and January and dipping a bit in February while still keeping the numbers above average.  Two years ago, though, Match.com did come out and say, “Match.com sees a 20 percent uptick in new members the week after Valentine’s Day (when compared to the subsequent weeks).”

What do I say about all of this?  If you’re single and looking, the time is now to get online.  Whether this week or next week is statistically the best or the worst is irrelevant.  What’s most important is whether you feel ready, and if you do, then go for it!  And if you need some tips to help you along the way, feel free to read some of my older posts.

Happy V-Day!

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