I got this question last week from a client:

“I wanted to share the details about my date on Saturday. It was okay – nothing to write home about – just okay. He’s not someone I would like to get to know further, but he sent me a text a couple hours after I got home asking if I’d like to do it again. Do I have to answer it, or can I just let it go?”

~ Monica, 52, Sacramento, CA

My response:

Monica,

First, I’m really glad you were able to meet, even if it wasn’t a match. I hope you were at least able to have a nice conversation and learn a few things about each other. My first question is this: Are you 100% sure you do not want to see him again? Remember that a second date doesn’t commit you to anything other than another hour or so of your time and one more conversation. If the answer is still a no about seeing him again, then, in response to your question, yes, you have to answer his text.

Here’s my rule: If someone makes him or herself vulnerable to you (like asking you out again), then you do owe that person a response. Nothing lengthy, but a tactful and honest response to indicate that you are going to decline. For example, “Thanks so much for your note and for a nice time today! Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the romantic connection I was looking for, but I wish you all the best!” You can replace “romantic connection” with “spark,” “chemistry,” or anything that feels right to you.

While someone may be disappointed that you don’t feel a connection, he can’t really be angry with you for feeling the way you do.

I know sometimes we think people should just “get it” if we don’t respond, but that actually has a much worse impact on both people. Ghosting not only makes someone confused, but it takes that person longer to get over someone in the absence of closure. The nicest thing you can do for someone is to tell the truth. Ignoring it doesn’t spare someone’s feelings – it does the opposite.

You’re welcome to run your text by me if you want me to give it a read before you send it to him. Thanks so much for asking!

Erika

Now, if the recipient of her text – the man she does not want to see again – were my client, here’s what I would tell him:

While it’s disappointing that she doesn’t want to see you again, she gave you the gift of knowledge and honesty so you don’t have to waste your time wondering. To keep everything mature and kind, please reply to her with something like this:

“Thanks so much for letting me know. It was fun getting to know you, and best of luck to you, too.”

Anything other than this – not replying at all or reacting negatively – will reflect poorly on you. Not replying in a kind manner implies that you do not want to accept this answer. And answering in a mean or negative way not only makes you sound childish, but it also may make her think twice before giving someone else the courtesy of a “no thanks” response. And please don’t argue with her. Everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings and rationale for not wanting to see someone again.

In the end, let’s all be adults. Say what you feel. Answer people’s texts. And don’t make dating a nightmare for people. It’s that simple.

Lastly, I want to share a recent example of a text exchange between a client and me (I’m on the right, in blue), showing how ghosting makes someone feel… and it’s not good.

The post How Not To Ghost appeared first on .

Over the past few years, there’s been a lot of talk about ghosting, the one-sided act of ending a relationship without having the decency to tell the other person in the relationship that you’re ending it. It’s a cowardly move, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. In fact, there is a whole episode devoted to it in my podcast, So, We Met Online… In the episode, I talk about how yours truly got ghosted. Bad idea to ghost a dating coach, by the way… I have the means and the venue to share the story! Just saying…

Let’s look at a few different scenarious.  How about after one or two dates… is that considered ghosting if you don’t talk to each other again? It’s not ghosting, per se, if you don’t want to see someone again, however, if the other person has made him or herself vulnerable to you (this is the key)—asking you out again—then the only decent thing to do in this case is to let the other person down, honestly and tactfully.

If your date wants to see you again, you’ll usually get a text that night or the next day. If you’re not interested, you have four choices:

1. Agree to go out with him/her again
2. Politely decline with a white lie
3. Politely decline with the truth
4. Ignore him/her until the whole thing just goes away

Assuming you really do not want to go out with the person again, as I mentioned above, the best option is #3. (#2 is just delaying the inevitable, and not everyone can read between the lines.) No one should be angry with you for feeling how you feel; the other person might be disappointed, of course. But, it’s all in how you say it. Try this on for size:

It was really nice meeting you, and thanks again for the drink. Unfortunately, I just didn’t feel the connection I was looking for, but I wish you all the best!

Not bad, right? It’s truthful, gets the point across, and there won’t be any miscommunication. Other variations are:

Thanks again for the coffee yesterday, and I appreciate your reaching out to do it again! After some reflection, I don’t see this moving forward romantically for me. It was great meeting you, though, and I wish you the best.

One more—this one I helped a client craft after a date where it turns out they know some people in common.

Thank you so much for a nice time the other day. You’re very interesting on many levels. Unfortunately, I’ll have to pass on meeting again as I didn’t feel a romantic connection, but since we know so many people in common, I have no doubt our paths will cross again soon, which I’ll look forward to. All the best to you!

What not to do:

• Ignore someone. It’ll come back to bite you in the you-know-what when you have that awkward run-in.
• Be rude to someone, by saying that you found your date to be unattractive or anything else that might tear that person down (remember: honest and tactful).

Now, should you ever proactively take this approach if, say, you both walk away from the first date with no interest in the other? Generally, in that situation, no further communication is necessary, but if you know you’re going to see each other at work (happens all the time) or elsewhere, it’s best to close the loop, or else some awkward avoidances are in your future.

I know a ghoster’s rationale is, “Well, I don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.” The only person you’re not hurting in the process of ghosting someone is yourself, by avoiding a difficult conversation.

The post The Alternative to Ghosting… Telling the Truth appeared first on .