I was reading some comments on a dating article last week, and they highlighted a point that I already knew: In this day and age, there are two opposing forces—chivalry and equality. (Please note that in this column, I am defaulting to opposite-sex couples, but similar concepts apply in same-sex couples.)

Chivalry: The guy pays.

Equality: You split the bill because no one is entitled.

Chivalry: The man holds the door open.

Equality: Whoever gets to the door first holds it open.

Chivalry: The man asks the woman out.

Equality: Whoever wants to ask the other person out should just do it.

I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again: I’m all for women’s independence, and I believe that women should be paid the same as men in the workplace and have all of the same privileges in life. That doesn’t, however, mean that I believe women and men should have the same place when it comes to dating. Equal partnership? Yes. But women also have a need to feel pursued, special, and secure. Does a man need to feel these things, too? I believe men need to feel appreciated, and sometimes needed, but not taken advantage of, especially financially.

Where does this leave most people? Honestly, confused.

When my female clients tell me that they want a take-charge kind of guy, the kind who asks them out confidently and who pays for the bill, what they have to remember is that things are now blurred. One woman wants this treatment, and another wants to yell “I am woman, hear me roar” and not be treated to anything. A woman may want a man to actively step around her to walk on the outside of the sidewalk. Another may view this same action as antiqued and rude. Neither of them is wrong. But men, at least some of those I’m working with, are shying away from taking risks on either end. Do they go for chivalry or equality?

For every piece of advice I give, there is someone who, of course, believes the exact opposite. Some women have no interest in being treated—financially or otherwise—to things, don’t want to be made to feel taken care of (“I can open that myself, thank you.”) and don’t think the man should be responsible for any more or less than the woman. I’m seeing that younger generations, like millennials, have much more of the equality mindset, whereas baby boomers prefer the chivalry. And those in the middle? A mixed bag. What’s confusing is that chivalry and equality are now butting heads.

I thought the last person I dated seriously handled things well… he asked. He asked if I liked the door held open for me (yes), if I liked to be treated sometimes to dinner (yes), and if I liked when he moved to stand on the outside of the sidewalk (again, yes). He asked because he didn’t know. His last girlfriend wanted none of that because she grew up in a home with such traditional gender roles that she was trying to break out of that mindset. Asking is always a good place to start.

Lastly, on the flip side, if you want something (mainly speaking to the women here), tell your partner. No one is a mind reader, so if you want someone to do something or you particularly like a gesture, mention it. You can’t get angry with someone for not doing something you want… if he simply doesn’t know.

The post Chivalry vs. Equality in Dating appeared first on .

 
You know the scenario well: The check comes. No one moves. You look at each other. You smile. The check sits there. This, my friends, is what we call a little game of “pick-up check.”

The question is: Should a woman offer to split the bill on the first date?

Notice that the question isn’t: Should a man pay on a first date? The answer to this should be an unequivocal “yes.” While I’m a huge advocate for women e-mailing men on online dating sites, and I’ll even dare to say that a woman should suggest meeting for a drink if the guy is trying to have an e-lationship, I am a stickler for the old-fashioned tenet that the man should pay on the first date. That said, should the woman at least offer to pay?

When the bill comes, the woman has a few choices:

1) The “reach” (going for her wallet to see what happens)
2) The offer (saying “May I contribute?” or something similar), or
3) The assumption (just saying “Thank you so much!”)

Given that the date should only consist of a drink or coffee (no dinner on a first online date) and should not be too expensive, I’d actually opt for #3. It avoids the awkwardness, and you get to show your gratitude immediately. #2 is a close second. Just hope he doesn’t take you up on it!

Men, generally when women offer to pay on the first date, we don’t want you to take us up on it. Even if we know there won’t be a second date and feel guilty for taking the free drink, deep down we still hope that you’ll pay because it’s still a date after all. The last thing you want is to accept our payment offer and then be labeled as “cheap.” Yes – she offered, but when it comes to paying on a first date, yes almost always means no.

I had one particularly memorable experience with the “pick-up check” game, and I’ll tell you off the bat that the results weren’t good. The scene: A JDate at Tryst. We planned to meet at 3:00 for coffee on a Sunday afternoon. When I got there, I saw a guy who looked vaguely like the guy I was expecting, but he was deep in thought on his laptop, and he was drinking a nearly-finished coffee. Was this my date? I went over to him and asked, “Are you Jason*?” It was, in fact, Jason. He had gotten there early to do some work. I certainly didn’t care about that, but when the check came for my latte (a whopping $3 and change), he never even looked at it. Apparently he had already paid for his drink, so he took no responsibility for mine. Awkward, to say the least. “Pick-up check” failure.

Ideally, the man will reach for the check before the woman even has the chance to decide between options 1, 2, and 3. Then, even if it’s not a love connection, she’ll tell her friends how generous he was. Let’s avoid the game of “pick-up check” and end the date on a more positive note… planning the second date.

If you’re curious, the experts agree.

*Name has been changed.

Tweet

Got burning questions you’d like answered in a future blog post? E-mail date411@alittlenudge.com

The post A Game of Pick-Up Check appeared first on .