I just read this article in Business Insider the other day called “Posing this simple question to a first date will help you decide if you have a future together.” As a dating coach who gives plenty of first-date advice, I was obviously curious to see what this “simple question” could be. I tell my clients to start a date with “How was your day?” to get the ball rolling and show that they want to hear what the other person has to say. Or, maybe it was going to be “What’s your ideal Sunday morning?” to see if you have similar lifestyle habits. Sadly, it was not. It was instead, “So how come someone as wonderful as you is still single?” I was appalled.

To start, this question is a back-handed compliment at its finest, with undertones of “What’s wrong with you?” or “Why does no one else want you?” This question immediately puts the person at the receiving end on the defensive, when that person has nothing at all to be defensive about. At best, the person can deflect this question by saying something like, “Aren’t you lucky that I am?” or “So I could meet people like you!” But this is just a way to move past the uncomfortable part. Remember that being single is not a crime. In fact, it’s a valid life choice that many people desire.

What is most bothersome is the word “still” here, as if one thinks you’ve been single since the day you came out of the womb. The reality is that we never know the other person’s story. Perhaps this person has been single for a month, after a breakup. Does that imply “still single”? Or, perhaps, god forbid, this person’s partner passed away. Does that imply “still single”? Or, maybe that person was taking some much-needed self-reflection time (which is too often overlooked) before dating again. Does that imply “still single”? Let’s dissociate the word “still” from “single” immediately. If someone is single and dating, then use the term “available,” not “still single.” Someone available can be an asset to you. Someone available connotes scarcity, that he or she won’t be available for long. Someone “still single” is deemed lagging or behind, and that is not the case at all.

Asking why someone is still single also implies that being in a relationship is the one and only best outcome for everyone. That’s simply not the case. I’d much rather be judged for being “still single” than in a relationship that doesn’t fulfill me or that makes me feel badly about myself. Yet, someone in people’s minds, relationship status overshadows single status every time. Let’s end that thinking.

When you go on a date, the focus should be on the present, not the past. For that reason, I discourage my clients from discussing past relationships on the first date. I want to make sure they have some rapport first before getting into the nitty gritty details of a divorce or break-up on a first date, or ever. Talking about prior relationships often brings up difficult feelings, usually negative, and takes the tone of the date down. Talk about things that make you happy, what you like to do, and who you are as a person… not who you used to be, and who you used to be with.

The author’s rationale is that someone will either hold him or herself accountable for the last relationship ending or not. That’s some deep stuff for a first date. I’d argue that you can learn just as much, if not more, about someone by asking “How was your day?” If someone goes into a tirade about his or her boss not being fair, that is very telling. Or, if someone is so excited because of a surprise Mexican food luncheon at work that day, that also gives us useful information.

So, do you want to know one surefire way to doom a first date? Ask “So how come someone as wonderful as you is still single?”

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As a dating coach, many clients come to me wanting to find that perfect partner, that person who makes them no longer want to be on the market, that “one.”  They tell me that they have had relationships in the past that haven’t worked out for one reason or another.  Or, they tell me that they have had that magical romance only to have lost their loved ones too soon.  Whatever the circumstance—and everyone has a story—they hire me to help them navigate the murky waters of dating in the hopes of finding the right fit.

It’s funny how things can change so quickly.  We all have that friend who is perpetually single, and then one day he or she meets the new love of his or her life, and the next thing you know, they become a “we” rather than an “I” plus “I.”  And so many times, these newly coupled friends forget what it’s like to be on the other end—single and looking.

Wherever you are in your relationship, it’s important to remember that everyone is on his or her own journey, and some people spend more time in certain chapters of their lives than others.  I’m here to remind the happy couples that the singles out there, especially in the wake of Valentine’s Day, need a special kind of friend, and there are certain things you can say or ask that will likely rub them the wrong way.  I want to share the five things that you should not ask your single friends or relatives:

1. You’re such a catch! How hasn’t anyone snatched you up yet?

I attended a Valentine’s Day party this year because my company was one of the sponsors.  As I walked in, this older gentleman who knew absolutely nothing about me said, “You’re too beautiful to be single.”  While on the surface this may seem like a compliment (I said a polite “thanks”), the actual implication is, “What’s wrong with you?”  This question puts undue pressure on that person, and no one likes being put on the defensive.  If you want to give a real compliment, instead say, “I feel lucky to have you in my life” or simply, “You’re beautiful.”

2. Do you think you’re too picky or you don’t give people a chance?

Everyone has standards.  It’s up to your friend to decide what his or her non-negotiables are.  There are nicer ways to ask this question, like “What are you looking for in a partner?”

3. Why are you still single?

It’s the word “still” here that is the most irksome.  Adding the word “still” makes this question sound like there is only one thing in life that people aspire to—not being single.  There are so many singles out there who want nothing more than to be independent, and a relationship is the furthest thing from their mind.  That’s a choice that I truly respect, and no one should make you feel guilty for making it.  Let’s remove the word “still” from single.  Always.  Period.

4. Do you think you’re afraid of commitment?

If the answer is “yes,” then what do you say next?  Do you have a solution?  And if it’s “no,” then it just makes the person feel worse.  Plus, the question may bring up painful issues from the past.

5. Maybe love will come when you least expect it?

Because of my job, I have to refute this one.  Dating isn’t easy, which many people don’t realize.  For example, when it comes to online dating, many people think they can just throw a profile up there and wait.  That’s like signing up for a gym but never setting your tuchus down on a bike.  It’s just not going to work.  Most things that matter in life—jobs, fitness, and even the pursuit of love—take work.  It’s always worth it to give something the old college try.

So, if you’re in coupled bliss, enjoy it!  Heck, revel in it!  But when it comes to your friends and loved ones, remember that everyone moves at a different pace, and everyone makes different decisions about how to spend their lives.  There’s no one “right” choice.  You simply make the choice that’s best for you.  Respect that in others, and hopefully they’ll do the same for you.

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