About three months ago, I went to adopt a dog. This was a big step for me since, as a young girl, I was bitten by my neighbor’s dog (and still have the scar to prove it). So, after months of petting dogs to get comfortable and reading “Dogs for Dummies” so I would have somewhat of a clue after the pup joined the Ettin clan, I was ready to bite the bullet and adopt a pooch. I searched the list and fell in love with little Bashful’s pictures. She was just so darn cute! I read her bio, and she seemed to have everything I was looking for – the right size, a good age, and that nice, brown, low-shedding fur that I like.

On that Sunday morning, I went to the adoption event, pages of notes in hand so I would know what to buy at the pet store once little Bashful was mine. (I’m an obsessive note-taker.) When I got there, she was just as cute as her photos… maybe even more so. And she was sweet, walking right up to me and sitting in my lap. What more could I want?

So, I was told to buy a collar while they got the paperwork ready. I opted to sit with her for another few minutes, saying things like, “I’m gonna be your puppy mommy.” (I’m also a total sap.) As the forms were coming my way, and I was really starting to bond with my new friend, a supervisor came over to me and said (while Bashful was still in my lap, mind you), “So, we decided that we’re not going to let you adopt this dog. She can only go to a home with other dogs. And by the way, she can’t live in the city, either.” Had any of that that been in her bio? No. Had they told me that before I started to get excited and bond with her? No. Would I have even chosen her had I known this was the case? Of course not. So I left, feeling sad that I was not getting the new best friend I wanted, and deceived that something so important (a deal breaker, if you will) had not been stated upfront.

As I walked away, I thought to myself that the situation sounded oddly related to online dating. I’m sure we’ve all been in a situation where a profile says exactly what we want it to. We meet our date and everything seems to be going fine until…

BAM! – Your date tells you he doesn’t want children.
BAM! – She’s really just separated and not divorced.
BAM! – She has four kids but she only listed one.
BAM! – He said he’s Jewish but he’s not practicing and doesn’t care about his partner’s religious affiliation, yet when I ordered pork lo mein, it looked like he was going to have a heart attack.

In online dating, it’s so important that your deal breakers are out there front and center. If you don’t want children, that’s fine! Just make sure you check that box off in your profile. If you’re extremely religious, that’s fine, too! Don’t underplay that simply to get more dates. The last thing you want is for someone to go out with you only to be disappointed because you didn’t disclose something really important in your profile. So don’t be bashful. Be true to yourself. You may go on fewer dates, but your dates will want you for you rather than for the person who is trying to appeal to everyone simply by not sharing the truth.

And this goes for searching, too. As hard as it may be, try not to fall in love with someone’s pictures and profile (just words on a page) before meeting in person. I kept that in mind as I continued to search for a pet. I wanted a dog who loved me for me – living in an apartment in downtown DC, having no other pets (besides Sir Quackers, my childhood stuffed duck), and just wanting to show him/her love and affection. With that in mind, I have since rescued a different dog, Scruffy, from the same agency, and I could not be happier with him!

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I’m smart, funny, and attractive.

I’m humble, successful, and kind.

I’m romantic, thoughtful, and trustworthy.

I’m sexy, passionate, and fearless.

I’m compassionate, honest, and friendly.

How many times have we seen lines like these in online dating profiles? If I had a nickel for every time I saw what I call an “empty adjective,” I’d be a very rich lady. What is an empty adjective? It’s a word that you use to describe yourself that can’t be proven until someone gets to know you. For example, I might say that I’m funny, but how would you know if that’s the truth? Maybe I’m funny to some people (the ones who love puns and wordplay) but not to others. Or maybe my definition of honest is telling someone she has spinach in her teeth, but your definition is giving back the extra penny if they accidentally give it to you at Trader Joe’s. A long time ago, I dated someone for a few months who said in his JDate profile, “I’m really romantic.” Was he? Not at all. The curse of the empty adjective strikes again.

This is where the concept of “show, don’t tell” really comes into play. For example, rather than saying that you’re funny, say something that you find funny. That way, you’re not only getting your point across, but you’re differentiating yourself from everyone who simply states, “I’m funny,” or worse, “My friends tell me I’m funny.” The latter is just a way to say the same thing while attempting to be humble. Sadly, it doesn’t work.

Let’s think of a story for some of the adjectives above:

Friendly: I tend to walk into a room and immediately ask people’s names – the cashier at The Container Store, the doorman/woman at my building, the parking attendant at school, the baker at Safeway. I may not remember them all, but I always ask!

Fearless: Despite my fear of flying, I knew I had to go to India as my culminating trip for business school. I may or may not have hyperventilated a bit. And then I realized, “I can do this!” Since then, I’ve been to 12 countries in the last four years.

Trustworthy: It wasn’t until many years after college that I realized everyone on my dorm floor had put me down as their emergency contact. They must have really trusted me… or knew I’d have nothing else going on.

Funny: I’m a dog lover, especially when it comes to my wise old dachshund. Unfortunately, he doesn’t enjoy dining out quite as much as I do (he likes the leftovers, though), he can’t read the subtitles of the documentaries I watch, he can’t help me with that pesky last letter of the crossword puzzle, and when it comes to dancing, well, he has two left feet… literally.

Words like attractive, sexy, young-looking, and fit don’t need to be stated at all because someone can decide that for him or herself simply from looking at your photos.

These empty adjectives will get glossed over and end up having the opposite effect of what you want – they’ll become meaningless. Remember: Be sure to set yourself apart and not get caught in the… dun dun dun… curse of the empty adjective.

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